:confused: Ok I'm writing this post A)becuase I need to vent, and B)I was hoping someone out there may relate to this or at least have some advice. I have been dealing with balimia for the past two years, but if I trace it back I really have had eating problems since I was like 11 (I know thats really young:( Up until recently I was doing alot better, and was at the point where I almost stopped doing it all together.
This summer I moved back into my parents house once again and at this point everything has gone to hell. For some reason the pressue of being "skinny" is way worse when I am with my mother. My mother is constantly comparing her self to me, like who can work out more, eat less, and where the smaller size. I seriously could care less if she shrunk to a double O, but for some reason if I did, she would be there right with me. Everyday she'll ask me if I am going the the gym, then inform me that she has already worked out twice that day. If I don't work out she gives me this look like shes ashamed or better then me, I mean **** I work out like 5 to 6 days a week and barley eat, what does she want from me. If I say something like "I'm really hungry all I ate today was a Lean Cusine", she responed oh all I ate was a salad yesterday. The other day I went shopping and bought a pair of shorts, she goes in my room and puts them on comes out and is like "wow these are big on me". When I walk into the room she looks me up and down, like girls at a party do when you walk into a room to see if your skinnier or prettier then them. I seriously am going crazy, ever sence I've been living at home again I have been purging like crazy, working out like a mad women, and barley eating. I am going right back into my habits of how I was two years ago and I am really scared that I am going to get much worse. The thing is I can't talk to my mom about it. I've tried to tell her how she makes me feel, she gets affended, then says its all in my mind and that I'm the one with low self estem and taking it wrong. Ok yes, maybe I do have an self image problem, but its not in my mind, this is how she has always treated me and I think is a major reason why I have always seen my slef image problem.
I don't know what to do, I can't talk to her about it, and no one else in my family wants to get involved. If I could only tell her about my ED, but she would either get angry and blame me, or get hurt and blame herself so I feel really stuck. I work 40 hrs a week, and don't have a car here so going to thearpy is really out of the question. But I am falling back into my old habits and am really scared once I go back to school I won't beable to stop. I don't know if this "mom" thing is common, or if it is jsut me. If anyone could offer some adivce or could relate I would love to hear it. Sorry this is so long but I've been keeping it all bottled uped, and needed to let some of it out!
Thanks for listening feels good to get some of this out!
Leash

Your mother is being seriously destructive to you. Have you told her this? Does she know about your bulimia? if she does know about your bulimia and is still making these comments, I am sorry, but that is pretty sick. NO disrespect to your mom....but it is.
Your mother sounds like SHE has an eating disorder. No healthy person works out twice a day and then comments that all she "ate today was a salad."
I am not surprised you have eating/food issues! Was your mom always like this, restricting her food and working out constantly?
NO MOTHER should be putting on her daughters clothes and comments that they are too big for her! I don't mean to sound so harsh...but bulimia is serious, and you can't afford to be in an environment that is encouraging her disease. Any chance you can move out???

I have been bulimic since age 13, off and on,and if I had a mother who was inadvertently (although it sounds like she is doing this deliberatly) encouraging my bulimia, I would be dead now. Thankfully I have a wonderful supportive mom. My mom is actually very thin naturally and eats normally, and that has always been annoying to me, that I am not that thin.

PLEASE tell you mother not to make these comments to you anymore. PLEASE tell her about your bulimia. PLEASE tell her that you could die from it (you do know that?) and that she is encouraging you.

I know how hard bulimia is. I have struggled with it for so long and probably always will. But there are people who understand and who do not intentionally try to sabotage your health, physical and mental.

Hey Leash. I really feel for you and your situation. I know how it feels to be on the biting end of those comments. My mom did the same thing. She did say harsh things that really HURT me...but what she didn't realize was that comparing herself to me really shaped how I saw myself...more than I thought it would. Little did I know AT THAT TIME that she was so vigilant on being thinner than me, she was taking diet pills and basically STARVING herself to achieve that! And like Natasha said...what your mom is doing doesn't seem healthy at all...and the "competition-like" mentality is VERY harmful for people with eating disorders. I wouldn't want you to put YOUR life in danger, because of this void your mom is filling by making you feel (whether intentionally or not) like what you're doing is not enough. Your HEALTH is MUCH more important and MUCH more valuable than trying and trying and trying to reach this "ideal" your mom has. I really do hope you realize that! And I also hoped this helped a little...I've never posted/replied on here...only lurked. But your story hit home and I wanted to let you know I relate to the feeling. Look out for yourself!
Love, aggiegirl :)

Hey Girls!
I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to read my post, I really appricate it. So I just wanted follow up on some of natasha's questions. First off like I said my mother doesn't know I am balimic, I guess that is one of the hardest things. I would love to come clean and tell her all about it, but the thing is I really feel like I can't. I have told her several times about how she treats me and compares her self to me and how it affects me. She doesn't see that she does it at all, and says its all in my mind, and I know its not. All through highschool I was the smallest out of all my firends, and all my friends would always comment on how my mom would treat me, and how here comments brought me down. Once I moved out of the house, things seemed to get worse with my ED but it was becuase of me not my mother, after a while I got alot better. Now I have just moved into my parents house for the summer up until school starts again, and my mother has been trying really hard to get in awsome shape so I think she compares her self to me constantly, and I can't stand it. I was finally being healthy, and now all my old habits are back. I now I need to get help before it gets completly out of control like last time, but I don't know where to turn. I have tried to talk to my brother and dad about it, but they don't want to get in the middle of the fight. They just don't understand how destrucive she is to me, I don't even think she realizes it. Now don't get me wrong I love my mother, and she's done alot of good things for me, so part of me feels really guilty talking about her like this. I know thats she probally doesn't have a great self image either, adn therefor has reflected the same thing on me. The thing that scares me the most is not that I will be sick for the rest of my life, but that I could pass on the same disease to my child. I never want to make anyone feel like that, but growing up all my life in a house hold where I never felt like my body was good enough, I am afraid I won't know any better:( So thanks for listening I hope that answers some of your questions Natasha.
Thanks for listening!
leash

Hey Aleash. Wow, that is a really hard situation. It is very unhealthy of your mother to be doing that to you. It sounds like she has some really big self-esteem problems of her own that she needs constant validation that she's better than her own daughter. I know you've said that your dad and brother don't want to get in the middle of this.. but if you can't tell your mom about your bulimia, do you think you could tell your dad or your brother? If they see how serious your problem is, that your health and life are at stake, they might really want to step in to talk to your mother. If there really isn't anyone that you can talk to about this and you are truly stuck for the summer.. maybe there are some small things you can do to make the situation better. Like try not to get into those conversations with your mother at all. When she tries to bring up if you went to the gym or how much you ate, tell her that you'd rather not talk about it and try to change the subject. Then she can't try to one-up you. I really hate to tell you to avoid your mom.. but I honestly think that's the best thing for you to do now. It's not healthy for someone with an ED to be around someone who triggers them, regardless of who it is. Maybe for the summer you could get involved with some activity to help keep you busy and out of the house. The job is good, but maybe you could do something else fun on top of that.

But I would really try to encourage you to talk to your mother again. Very calmly and rationally. Give her examples how comments she has says that have hurt you (calmly!). Tell her that you know she is not intentially trying to hurt you, but the fact is that her comments *do* hurt you. Tell her that you love her, but you feel like you could have a better relationship with her if she could try to stop.

Oh, the other thing I wanted to say.. it sounds like you have dragged yourself up from this ED once before. So you know what it means to be healthy and what you have to do to take care of *yourself*. So regardless of what happens with your mom, that is what you have to focus on: how to keep yourself healthy. In the end, we are all only responsible for ourselves. As much as we'd like, we can't control the people around us and what they might say. The only thing we can control is how we react to it. One way to cope with your mom is through your ED.. but this is not the healthy way and you know that. The ED is very addictive, but you've gotten over it once and you can do it again.

Hey Anterrabae-
I really appricate everything you said, you offered some really good adive and support. The thing is I do try to avoid my mother when it comes to anything about my wieght or body. She's the one that seeks me out! I never try to start it becuase I really don't want any part of it, it brings me down, and makes my ED way worse. I love my mother, but man she is a stuborn person, and if I try to talk to her about it she'll get defensive and deny that any part of it is her fault. I know what I do to my body is unhealthy, but when shes there always making me feel like I'm fat, I just want to lose more. She constantly says I am in great shape and a beautiful girl, but then turns around and makes comments about what size I wear or how much I eat compared to her. It's comments like that, that hurt so bad. I just feel stuck and I have another 2 months here and I'm losing it. I am constantly crying my slef to sleep, partially becasue of something she said, or the fact that I am starving and my throat hurts. I feel so stuck and no one to turn to, I don't know anyone here, and the only people I could talk to are my family and like I said before I can't talk to them. So thank you everyone for listening to me vent, it helps to get some of this out even though it feels like a completly lost cuase.
Leash

You're not a lost cause....please know that. There IS HOPE. Even for people who have been bulimic for as long as I have, and longer. As long as there is life, there is hope. You are young and you seem very smart.

Do you think you could write you mother a letter telling her about your bulimia? I wouldn't put anything in the letter about how her comments about your weight make you feel bad, so she won't get defensive. I would just write about how you have been struggling with bulimia for years and make print out some articles about bulimia online? A lot of people think that a bulimic 'should just stop' and not understand that they really can't! Maybe put the letter under her door when she goes to bed at night.

I really think that would help.....

Is there any way you can get into therapy? I know therapy helps some people. If not, then once you go back to school I would take advantage of the counsoling they offer at the university...most large universities offer this.

If you can write the letter as soon as possible and just get it off your chest I think it would help. I used to write my mom letters about my bulimia because it was too hard for me to talk about it in person.

I really think your mom also has an eating disorder and gets defensive about weight and food because she is 'obsessed' with it. Maybe she is afraid to discuss it because then she would have to face her own disorder.

Ya thanks for the advice. The idea of telling my mother I have an ED is the SCARIEST thing I think I could ever imagine doing. I seriously rather do anything in the world then do that. I have talked about it to my brother, bf, and two of my close firends, which helps alot. But they all think I have completly stopped, which obvioulsy isn't ture. I know telling my mom sounds like it would help but in my case I think it might just make it worse. I see it going 2 ways. Either she'll be really mad at me and tell me I am being stupid and I am smarter then that and shouldn't do somehting so destructive which will make me feel even worse. Or she'll get really upset and blame her self (doubtful though). So either way I really don't see the outcome being positive, thats what I mean by a hopeless cause. The whole thing sucks I would love to just shut it all out and have never started the whole ED thing, but unfortuntley its not that easy :(
Leash

Leash

I really think you should tell you mother. I think you NEED to. I think you will be able to accept your illness and accept help, when you are ready, when your disorder is out in the open (I certainly don't mean sending flyers around the neighborhood or school, but once your family knows).

If she acts like you are stupid for having an ED and acts like it is your fault or no big deal, than that is just demonstrative of how wrong and I'm sorry, but stupid, she is.

You need to get the facts into the open and once they are there, trust me, it will be a big relief. The hiding and secrets are almost as bad as the disease.

And is there any way you can get to therapy???

You need to talk to someone....

Unfortenly I have no way of getting to thearpy until school starts at the end of September. My parents recently moved so I'm in a new town, I know no one, and don't have my own car. So do you see why I feel so stuck now? Theres no one to talk to or go to, and living with my mother is making my ED so much worse. I am not afraid to get thearpy when I go back to school, the thing that scares me is that is still 2 months away, and by then I am afraid my ED is going to be much much worse.... so its a ****** delima and I know telling my mother sounds like a good idea but if you met her I think you would disagree.
thanks for listening
leash

Hang in there leash!!

2 months isn't so long even though I know it feels like it.

Do you work? I don't know your financial situation, but it sounds like if you had a car and could get out more since you don't know anyone in your new town, and drive yourself to therapy, it would help. You do indeed sound trapped and if you could get a car somehow maybe it would help? Atleast you wouldn't be stuck at home with your mom.....

Ya I have a car, but its back at home (where I go to school in another state) and yes I work (40 hrs a week). I have been car pooling with my dad to work, and only have the weekends off, but would have to borrow a car from my parents to drive to thearpy, and how would I explain that?? They would want to know where I was going, plus I can't really afford thearpy right now, all my money is going towards school. Hopefully that answers some of your questions
Leash

Are you under your parents health insurance???
If so, therapy should be covered: Just another incentive to tell them. If you can get to therapy and it is covered under insurance, then it would be in your best interest to just go...tell your parents...if your mom doesn't understand, that is her problem...I mean, I know that would be bad, but atleast you could go to therapy once she knows. If you mom doesnt understand a therapist will.
The therapy you will get for free at your college is going to be substandard. You need an ED Specialist, not some random general counselor. Maybe you could call around to therapists around your college. They also have very affordable student health insurance available.

Sorry If I was intrusive asking all those questions :)
I was just thinking if you had a car you could get yourself to therapy, but you already have one....

No your not being intursive, not at all. I appricate your advice and concern. The thing is I know my parents won't understand. They have to know that I do it, if they don't there complete idoits. I mean last year my I came home from college for christmas break and I had lost alot of weight. This was when it was really bad, I had gone down 2 pant sizes in like 2 months. Over break my brother caught me throwing up one time, and said something to my parents. They kind of confronted me about it, and I denied it completly. And they were like "ya we didn't think you did". They just are the type that think I blow everything out of porportion and they will tell me that I don't really have a problem, that I just am over reacting.... so as I said agian for my own think I really don't think I should tell them. I know if they tell me that I don't have a problem, I will take it as I'm not that skinny and could lose more weight. Which in the end will make my ED a hundred times worse. I really don't know what more to say, I really feel like this is hopeless, I just am going to have to wait out the summer, and when I get back to school take it from there.
Thanks for all the advice and concern. Natasha I'm sorry you got sick, hang in there I know you can beat this. Don't get down on yourself you can get through this one day at a time, thats kind of how I look at it (even though it hasn't been working to well latley :( )
Take care,
Leash

Leash, once more suggestion:

Look into eating disorder SUPPORT GROUPS. I know there are listings in my cities sundays newspapers for different support groups..and as far as I know they are free. There should be one around your house or school. Kinda like AA but for people with ED's