My SD is unable to walk anymore, or get up by himself to use the bathroom.He has an enlarged prostrate and he wakes up several times during the night to urinate. He's on medicine to help shrink it.
Mother complains all the time about how hard it is on her, and has become very mentally abusive toward him.
I know she is worn out, I have 3 sibilings and we have all pitched in to help as much as mother will allow us.
They have the money to hire some help, but, mother says she has rather be dead than have someone in her house. She continually tells us she can't stand it and ask what she is going to do.
Mother told him that she never had to wipe my dad's butt, and now she's having to wipe his. I took care of my dad, had to take a leave from work, and I don't regret a second of it, wish I still had him to care for.
Mother will tell him to wait when he needs to urinate. He told me it hurt when he couldn't go.
My SD doesn't have children of his own.
Mother treats her dog better than him. I just don't know what to do. If I get the chance I will ask him how things are going, but, he won't tell me the truth. Mother has threatened to leave him, and he loves her dearly.

Please, if anyone has an idea of how to handle this, please let me know. They are both in thier late 70's, and mother is fit as a fiddle.

Maybe look at it from a different angle, how about giving some tools to help your SD become more independent? There are a variety of helping aids in well stocked pharmacies and home health places that can help him achieve more independence. No one wants to be put in the position of totally relying on another human being and the more things he's able to do by himself the less of a "burden" he'll feel.
No matter how fit your mom is, 70 is still 70 and I'm sure this isn't exactly how she envisioned her "golden years". And although you and the other sibs help out I'm sure you'll agree it's not the same thing as being there 24/7. If this wasn't her personality before I'm sure you can attribute most of this behaviour to stress....so how to relieve the stress?more help than currently giving...how about a sleep over?i know I'm not the nicest person in the world when I haven't gotten my 8hrs of continuous sleep....a bed pan?....handles near bed, in bathroom?
Maybe she'll agree to help if she knows the aide will leave say after 1 or 2 hours?and perhaps get an older aide someone with a similar personality, who knows maybe it'd be good therapy for her to have someone to talk with.
It's very stressful on both sides for someone to totally rely on you and also to be the "burden". Maybe a well thought out gift would lift spirits in the household. All the best! :)

We have tried to give mother more help. I went over 4 days straight to give him a bath and just get him up and ready for the day. I cooked and cleaned while I was there.
He has a bedside toilet, urinal, and a wheelchair.He is confused at night and needs assistance, this is where mother gets mad. She has always wanted to be the center of attention and expects the world to revolve around her. I hate to say this, but, it's the truth. She did my dad the same way, but, I could step in and do more because he was my dad. My SD just takes it, and it's breaking my heart.
We have offered to stay at night and mother says no. I showed up one night to stay and she made me leave.
My husband feeds the cattle and takes care of the farm, so that worry is off of them.
It's like mother just wants him out of her way so she can do what she wants.
I have tried to get a lift chair and offered to do more, but she just likes to tell us how hard it is on her.
I can't stand the thoughts of someone who has been so good to her being treated this way. I just can't seem to find out what she wants, even though we have all asked how we can be of more help.

In that case Sky you have done everything possible to help. I'm quite impressed with all the help done and offered. Sometimes there is just nothing we can do about these situations. Your mom is mentally abusing him but he is not complaining. Other than making him stronger and more independent and perhaps giving her a night out with the girls to play for example bingo, you have done everything possible. Yes I know what you mean about having a mom who believes she's the center of the universe, fortunately and unfortunately there are many different personality types in the world and we just have to learn to live with or avoid these types. A parting thought: Keep an eye on the situation making sure the mental doesn't turn into physical abuse.
And perhaps did it occur to you that every time your mom complains you and your husband come running, in away your encouraging her complaining because she's getting the reaction she wants ie. you and hubby do the work. Good Luck darling you need it :)

I dont know if it is even possible for your SD and his condition, but what about a cath being placed in. It only needs to have the bag emptied once a day, maybe twice depending on the size of the bag. My dads cath only needed to be changed out every four to six weeks depending on his condition at the time. My dad actually felt better knowing he didn't have to worry about getting to the urinal in time. And when he went to the bathroom for other things during the day he could empty the bag then.

I wish you the best and I hope that you, your mom and your SD all find a compromise that you all can accept.

C

I thought about a Cath., but, my experience has been that you are more proned to infections with them. Mother would have it pulled out the way she handles him.
I told her last night that it looks like she'll have to hit rock bottom before she gets some help in there.
I wouldn't mine doing more, but, I have chronic pain, and I have to take more medicine just to be able to do what I do. I only have 1 sibling that lives close by, and she can't stand hands on contact.
Thanks for all your advice.

Unfortunately the more chances of infections is true. And her pulling it out sounds painful for him, unhealthy for them both, and then painful for him again.

Ummm, have you checked into seeing if he would qualify for a rehabilitation facility just until he is done with his treatments for the enlarged prostate. He no control when it comes to being able to schedule his urination times. And if he doesn't have the physical and mental support from mom that he needs for him to safety complete the treatment plan or the strength to do battle with your mom maybe a temporary stay at a facility would help. It might also give your mother the chance to see what is going to happen when he really is gone and she is alone by her own choosing. I dont remember if you mentioned this but has this always been moms personality? If not could she be acting this way because she is so scared as to what is going to happen to her once he is gone? And maybe by not reconizing his illness she doesn't have to accept it is real.

Just trying to think of different options you might still have for your peace of mind and your SD safety and well being. No one should be treated that way when they are up to par, to do so when a person is sick seems unjustly cruel.

C

Yes, this has always been mother's personality, it's just much worse has time goes on. She has a real problem with jealousy, and I have to make every thing about her in order to help him.
His prostrate treatment will be a long on going thing, since they chose not to have surgery.
I sugested rehab until we could regroup and decide what to do but mother says no, she wouldn't do that to him.
I think it has something to do with her wanting everyone to prasie her for caring for him at home,even though she can't handle it. I don't know if it has something to do with money, they have over a million in assets, so I think they could afford to hire some help. I realize they need to be careful with what they spend, but they certainly wouldn't go broke , since they do have monthly income.
I will be staying with him Sunday, so I intend to talk to him while mother is gone.
Just say a little pray for us.
Thanks

I hope that your talk with your SD get somethings cleared up and solved for both you and him. He shouldn't have to go through that. It is a form of elderly abuse.

And although you may feel that you cant do much I am sure that just knowing you care means alot to your SD so let that comfort you some.

I am will send good thoughts your way and I will pray for you all, mom included.
C

I just talked with Home Health Care, and they can send someone out to help with bathing and exercises.
Mother told me she doesn't want anyone but 1 day a week, that she doesn't want people in her house, so here we go again.
I love mother, but, she's driving me nuts. She has some mental issue's, and that is standing in the way of my SD's care. I hope to find someone with Home Health that can knows how to deal with her.
Thanks for all your advice and concern.

Even after you succeed in getting help don't be surprised if your mother runs them off if she does not want them there. Yeah! they are good at accusing hired help of stealing money and other items. My mom did this more than once.

Be sure your mother's money and jewelry is always under lock and key because there are light fingered people who do take things. We got a lockbox for mom to keep her money and she kept the key in her pocket. We got tired of her accusing all hired help of stealing, some were very trustworthy and others were not.