View Full Version : a parents cry for help
07-27-2005, 11:49 AM
Hello, I am new to this sight, I found it by looking for help, I am not sure where to start, But My son came to live with me 6 weeks ago, after he found him self in jail for open container, His Grandmother called me and said he had no where to go, So as all parents do I went to his rescue, He was release on RR what ever that means. So he ask if he could stay a few days at my house. See My son is 20 years old I have not seen him very much in almost 7 years. He has been living with his father. We had a very ugly divorce, and my sons wonted to live with him, They never forgave me for leaving there father. I was always the bad Guy.It almost killed me when I lost my boys, They where my whole life.I have been waiting all these years for my boys to come to me. never giving up hope that one day they would see the truth.So now Jonathan is home with me or I thought. I knew he was on drugs and beer. He said he was finished. For a week we cryed togather over all he had done. And I tried to fix him. I marked every day he was drug free, But I made a big mistake and Let him have a few beers a day, I did not know how much drugs he had been doing or what he was doing and I was affraid he would go into withdraws I though a little beer would help him from having them. But little did I know he wonts to drink everyday all he can. If i bought a 12 pack he would not stop till it was gone, I did not have the money to keep this up plus his cigg, Plus he had no clothes, nothing I bought him a puppy because I felt he needed something to take care of, that it would help him, . As the weeks went on things were good I took him to see his grand parents and his father and step mother so he would not feel so bad. Then his friends start to pop up here. I would run them off, But they do care how ulgy you get they still come back. One of them was wonted by the police in a robbery, And to tell the truth I think my boys were in on it too. Stealing to get drugs. any way Time goes on I help him get a ID for work and a new SSN Some how his wallet got stole or he says. MOney money money.... beer beer beer, Well I help him get a job It is a good paying job he passed the drug test there. Which he should have becuse he was with me mostly all the time. And I really think he wont to stop drugs BUt not the beer.He has to be high on somthing. I tryed to get him to go to rehab, He says he does not need it, HE can do this But he will not stop the drinking. And when he gets drunk he wonts to fight and one All you have to do is look his way and he will go off. Twice this happen and we went to sleep with a chair against the door. He has no where to go. His father took a restraining order to stay away from his 15 year old brother, Because they were doing drugs togather, He was giving it to his baby brother. Can you belive that, Yeasterday I went to get him from work. everything was okay, I guess even though he had been talking kind of ugly to me for a few days Then he wonted a beer I told him no.He kelp on begging so I called my husband to bring him home ONE 22 ounce that was all he wonted he said. Well he drunk that then he said He wonted a 40 ounce I said no you do not need anymore you have to stop. All Hell broke lose He curse me called me some god awful words, He called his father, to come get him. Because my other son is at a boys home right now .. He thinks he can go to his fathers and drink With him... SEE his father drinks every day to... So he goes and sits there and gets drunk with him. HE took me he hated me.... And when I called his father to tell what was going on ! That lite a fire from him, He said he was going to knock my teeth out. It was so bad here. yesterday. I told him to get out. He said he wasent going anywhere. THen his father came to get him By then my husband got back home. my son started cusing again about how he is 20 years old and can do as he pleases. I can not stop him. MY husband spoke up and told him to get his clothes and leave..... HIs father turn to him and said WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO LIVE. they left four hours later he called. MAMA come get me... I am sorry I will quit drinking. I have no place to go I will lose my job..I need you to take me to work... I said I told you this but you wonted a beer.Please let me come home. My husband took the phone and said YOU 20 YEARS OLD YOU SAID SO YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU WONT. he handed me the phone and my son says does that mean i can not come back.....MY husband said its him or me You can do what you wont! Well here I am being pulled apart. I do not wont him on the streets, But I can not be talk to like a dog. I love both my kids. I love my husband, I do not know where to turn. Sorry so long I just have to get this out. I need to talk FELICIA
07-27-2005, 12:14 PM
This is an easy one, Felicia.
Keep your husband and kick out your dead-beat drug-addict alchoholic 20 year old adult son. It sounds like your latest husband has a backbone which is something your ex and your son don't have.
You have been the ultimate enabler. You were giving beer to an alchoholic? That is like pouring gasoline on fire. What did you expect to happen? You have to ask if you like all that drama.
Do yourself and your son a favor and let him grow up on his own. He needs to be off the tit big time.
If I was your latest husband and you took your son back again, I would walk. No man would take that crap from some punk kid and if his woman tried to drag that crap into his life, he would likely throw them both out; stink and all.
There is a huge difference between supporting and helping someone who wants it and respects you for it and someone walking all over you and totally disrespecting you. Choose your husband because he will still be there when this is over, your son won't because he obviously has no respect for you, or your husband, or anyone else in the family. The only time he's going to pretend to respect you at all is when he need beer, money, or a ride :nono:
If you choose your son, you are going to be alone in the end.
Tell your son to come back and see you when he's clean and can respect you!!!
It's not going to be easy, love never is, but you are not helping him one bit if you choose him over your husband.
07-27-2005, 01:49 PM
Hello I am new at this to ..but the two people who just wrote to you are THE BEST for your situation. They are really helping me through all this mess, too! I am right on board with their view point. My son will be 20 in Sept. I am going through this tough love stage one-step-at-a-time, you can too! Keep the husband do not mess anything up with him, he is #1, right along side of YOU. Please read on my post: Drug Destruction. Great info there on LIES, it will help you. Do not feel guilty about your sons situation..He got himself there, not YOU! I have been married for 29 years same man...My son is all messed up with drugs & alcohol too! No one around here drinks, much less does drugs. SO don't feel like you could have done more. You did the BEST YOU could have for your particular situation. You could never even know your boys if you were an addict. So you took care of yourself & you got rid of a lousy husband & found a good one. Good for YOU! Now they want to come in and wreck havoc on your life.. NO WAY! this is a 20 year old man. He made his own bed, now he has to sleep in it....and it's not very comfortable. With all the blatant disrespect I would not lend him an ear. Don't let him cry on your shoulder. You are in nowise responsible for him. And remember YOU are powerless over his addiction & his choices.
Hang in there,
Sad Mom, Too!
07-27-2005, 02:00 PM
They are right....why would you buy beer for a 20 yr old anyway.........too young to drink.. but old enough to be an addict.........get tough....and you'll be glad you did.
07-27-2005, 02:21 PM
Felicia, Ohhhh where to start??? First of all thghtsreal is right on, take the advice!!!!! Your son is ONLY 20, he has been in trouble already and as you stated he displays BAD behavior when he is under the influence of alcohol, so one tends to wonder why in Gods name would you risk getting yourself arrested for buying and serving alcohol to a minor as well as putting yourself, your husband, or even other innocent people at risk of getting hurt when your son gets violent while drinking???
He is your son, you are his mother, NOT HIS FRIEND. It is your your job as a mother to teach and to steer your children in right direction. Not contribute to an existing problem.
As your son has said, he is 20 years old and can do what he wants....well you need to tell your son that you WILL NOT tolerate being disrespected in any way, you will not cator to him nor will you contribute to his BAD HABITS!
You need to give him his walking papers so as he can grow up and learn to make his own way.
Really, is your son's habits worth losing your husband over? I would really think about it.
07-28-2005, 10:05 AM
Hello And I would like to thank you all for being here for me. First I would like to say I did not give him the Alcohol to keep his addict going . You have to relize I hardly seen my son for seven years. He was almost 14 teen when his father and I divorced. I am new as a new born baby when it comes to addiction. I have heard storys of withdraws. But I do not know anything. So I let him have a little beer to stop the withdraws from the Other (METH, POT,) God knows what? He says he has been using Since he was 16teen. Thats when he quit school, BAseball, Everything! I know it was stuped , But what parent does not wont to trust there children..... MY husband that I am married to now drinks, I do not like that But he is a grown man. And he does what he wonts too. BUT he does not act like my son does. ME on the other hand I do nothing, BUt smoke cigg. THAT is my down fall.... Well, He called yesterday , and my husband Told me to tell him He had one more chance. BUT NO ALCOHOL, NO FRIENDS, NO TALKING BACK TO ME. HE agreeded..... he said he was coming home after he seen his dad and spent time with his DAD for a while. OKAY While about (9 pm I got a phone call It is Jonathans dad) HE says Felicia. or you coming for jonathan? I think he just went next door to smoke a joint. Plus I gave him two beers.I am not sure thats what he did but I seen him come out of the woods with that little boy next door. . I said No he can not come here. I told him no more Beer, and I mean what I say. WELL to make a long story short............ HIS GRANDMOTHER THE LADY who up holds all his wonts and needs...... DROPS HIM OFF AND LEAVES... SO I told him the first time you even ask me for a Beer you are on your own. NO more me buying your cigg. AND IF you lose this job you are on your own. and YOU will pay me to stay here. DEEP in my heart I know my son can not live with out his alcohol. So I know he will be gone soon. Maybe even today. And his Grandmother will take him in and baby him. HOW can you give brith to a child and then watch them kill there self. WHY DOES GOD ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.... I pray HE will go to jail and stay there for years. at less I will know where he is and he is not using........ YOU know I have read the post about the lies they tell..... AND IT make me think of my baby boy who is 15teen (also in lots of trouble ) COMING home to day to his dads house. (on in house arrest), OUT of control. They found meth and pot in his system with a drug test. He had been hanging with JOnathan.........BUT JOnathan swears he did not give it to him........Any way back to what i was saying Adam my 15 year old call me one week before all the trouble broke lose...... He said mama will you give me 20 dollars to go to six flags with my girlfriend and her dad, They are moving and he is taking her to six flags before they move. I said on a Thursday .. I said Adam I dont have it I just gave Joantan 40 dollars three days ago. He said okay I will ask my DAD.. BUT you know what I think he was lieing to me now....HE wonted drug money too.... GOD what am I going to do I cant lose both of my boys..... WEll got to go get ready for court ... Adam is going home today....... GOD BLESS YOU ALL ! AND IF WE ALL KEEP PRAYING GOD WILL ANSWER SOME OF OUR PRAYERS> FELICIA
I'm sure this is extremely difficult for you because this is your first chance at being a mother to these boys, and you are probably questioning every decision you make because you are trying to make up for lost time. Does you husband have any children who live with you, or is this your first real experience at raising kids? If this is your first, it's not the best way to be thrown into motherhood.
The best advice I can give you is to let them know you love them, and that you will be there to support them, if and when, they decide to get the help they both need for their problems, and they should know that the only way either one of them can live under your roof is if they are no longer drinking or using drugs and can respect you and your husband and follow your rules. Never mind them not asking for a beer, or not drinking or using in your home, they need to not be drinking or using anywhere in order to live in your home. Just because they don't drink or use drugs while they are home, doesn't mean they aren't going to show up on your doorstep drunk or high from somewhere else. Make the rules clear and stick to them. You lived for many years without them in your lives, and you can do it again if you have too. You have to ask yourself if your life is more enjoyable and peaceful now then it was without them? Don't feel guilty about how they turned out, you had nothing to do with it. Nobody made them the way they are, now they need to choose what to do with their lives.
07-28-2005, 01:36 PM
KFLD HEllO, And thank you for talking to me about this. MY husband has no children. And I was with my boys father for 16 years till I could not take any more. MY boys were 13 and 8 when we divorce, After a long battle and I had no more money, he won the boys it was one of the hardest things I ever had to live thou. I lost over 80 pounds . (Because Jonathan turn 14 while this was going on the court let him make his mind up, Jonathan chose his father so the court let Adam stay there with his brother. ) I had to live with the fact that I lost the two most dearest things in my life, NOt because I was a bad mother BUT because I was a Stearn mother . JONATHAN told me one time living with me was like living in a boot camp. I was hard on them BUT it was out of fear. (I FEARED THIS ) NOW AFTER ALL THIS TIME I AM FACED WITH WHAT I FEARED THE MOST. When I left them JONATHAN WAS AN A-B STUDENT IN SCHOOL . HE WAS AN ALLSTAR ON THE BASEBALL TEAM EVERY YEAR. YOU COULD NOT ASK FOR A BETTER SON, AND A CARING AND GIVING SON. BUT HE WONTED FREEDOM AND HIS FATHER GAVE THEM IT. AS I WRITE THIS I CRY MY HEART FEELS AS THOU IT WILL BURST. WHY OH WHY IN GODS NAME WHY? I JUST WONT TO TAKE HIM AND RUN ....I find myself hating everone that comes looking for him every one that calls here for him.and at the same time I wont to shake him so hard.....WHERE IS THE ANSWER??? I KNOW IT IS IN HIM how do i make him see this ...... RIGHT NOW HE IS AT WORK AND I AM HAPPY because he is busy doing what a normal person does... BUT soon I will have to go get him from work and I am affraid he will wont to go have his fun...... I know what I have to do when he does that.... Then i have to try and sleep knowing he has no place to live..... why does this have to be so hard, I have waited a long time for god to give me back my babys, BUT HE IS NOT A BABY ANYMORE. he is a grown man or looks like one . HE look so bad when he frist came here now he has put on 15 pounds and he is starting to look good. BUt I know he is getting board and I can not watch him every second of the day anymore I need rest. And I need to find a job and go to work. Thank you guys FELICIA
07-28-2005, 03:37 PM
Felicia, welcome to our family. We have experienced so much of the same pain as you. It would be difficult to recreate all that has been shared on this forum. Please move your computer pointer to my screen name thghtsreal and click on it. Then, see "all posts by thghtsreal". Do the same for nervous nellie, KFld, JoanHarvest, and others that you have noticed. Read these threads. You can start to understand what is going on with your boys and what you need to do for yourself and for them.
Good suggestion thghtsreal.
You really need to go back and read all of our posts because many of them are asking the same questions you are now and you can get a lot of good answers that we were looking for when we first came here, and believe me, we got a lot of them. The fact that you robbed of many years of raising them is heartbreaking, but you CAN learn to do what is best for them now. They knew you were stearn then, show them you still are now. They chose not to live with you because of that, well then let them have that same choice to make now.
07-29-2005, 11:00 AM
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY (THANK YOU MY GOD OF ALL GODS FOR ALL OF YOU) I know everyone here That speaks with me is walking down the same trail of darkest with me. ALL looking for answers to save our love ones or our self. I pray god will be with all of us as we try to find some kind of answer to this that torments us . AND please try to KEEP YOUR HOPES ALIVE. as I will mine.... GOD works in ways we do not understand, and he says he that he will never leave us or forsake us. AND TO CALL ON HIS NAME AND BELIVE IN HIM, ( even if it is the faith of a musterd seed) and we all no how small a mustard seed is.... I have seen his work with my own eyes .... SO PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE !!!! when it seems to much to bare . PLEASE know he is with us.. WE DONT KNOW THE WHY OR THE HOW? BUT I DO HOLD ON TO THE TAIL OF HIS YOKE BECAUSE THERE I KNOW I WILL FIND MY REST. I PLEAD THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST OVER OUR CHILDREN AND THAT DEMON FROM HELL THAT BINDS THEM! ONE DAY THEY WILL BE SET FREE>>>> and all who is prison from these demon drugs.. I DO NOT GO TO CHURCH MUCH AND I DONT PREACH TO PEOPLE BUT THE WORDS OF GOD WILL STAND WHEN THIS WORLD ENDS. AND I WAS LEAD TO SAY THIS MAY GODS MERCY AND GRACE BE WITH US AS WE BATTLE THIS THING TOGATHER! AMEN