Hi. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know that you all are very busy with your loved ones. My boyfriend of a few months takes care of his 89 year old grandpa. My bf is 25. He has nearly all the signs of caregiver stress and we have "taken a step back" in our relationship so he can cope better. While I offer to accompany him to visit grandpa in his assisted living home, that has yet to happen. I am only able to glean bits of information about grandpa's condition. The stages of Alzheimer's that I have read about do not make a lot of sense given the little bit of what I know.

Since most of you guys have first hand knowledge, I was hoping you could tell me where his grandpa is in the disease, approximately. He calls bf 3 or 4 times a week crying and frightened and whatever he says makes bf feel that he has to go over there every time. Most of the calls come in the evening (although that may be because that is when bf gets off work.) Bf says gpa is sharp as a tack some days and like a small child on others. He cannot drive or do financial things. Last fall there was some sort of guardianship hearing in court. Occasionaly he call's bf by bf's siblings' names. I know that he must have new concepts repeated to him over and over. He thinks he has heart problems (he may, or they might be panic attacks) and demands to be taken to the hospital. I know that this is not much to go on, especially since I haven't me the man. I'm just hoping that you guys might be able to make some sense out of this. Again thank you so much for your time!

Gina

Wow Gina, your BF sure has his hands full, and trying to have a meaningful relationship at the same time sure makes it difficult at every turn. It's nice to see you supporting him.

I'm not a medical professional, and without knowing more, it's hard to make a diagnosis. Your BF's Grandpa could just be an old man, frightened of being alone and needing reassurance. He could be sick. His medications could be off, he might not be taking them, taking them properly or over-dosing himself which creates odd and sometimes manic behaviour. It could be anything - It's just a widespread area, it's hard to start. But start it must.

You need to speak to you BF and make him realise that Grandpa MUST be assessed by a professional and as soon as possible. His fears and behaviours are REAL, and it could be fixed if it's a chemical imbalance however if it IS dementia, then other actions must be taken NOW.

I'm sorry I can't help you further, but we are here for support. I'm sure some of the other members here might have some great ideas too. Please let us know how you get on and if we can help any further.

Cheers
Sally

Dear Gina,

My first thought was, "wow, a grandson is doing this? Where are Grandpa's sons and daughters?" Is anyone living with or near him? Does anyone have the power of attorney needed to help him with his finances?

My second thought was, "maybe he doesn't take Gina with him because it is embarrassing .." The elderly gentleman may make inappropriate comments, may smell bad (a common problem in Alzheimer's) or in some way act inappropriately. Your boy friend may want to spare you that, or may fear you would distance yourself from him if you knew just how awful his grandpa is doing ..

I agree with Sally that he must have a medical check up ..as soon as possible.

Your BF would be welcome to this Board to express his fears and proeblems and get some sage advice from those very experienced ones here who have been with an AD patient to the end. Come back and let us know how it's going!

Love to you,

Martha

Wow! Thanks for getting back to me so quickly! To answer a few of your questions, his mom is an only child and he has two brothers. None of them have any problem letting him do all the work. They are just fine with the fact that grandpa has latched onto him. I do know for a fact that he has been diagnosed with alzheimer's. The place he lives takes care of any physical needs he may have. He does seem to be aware that he is literally losing his mind, which is terrifying for someone who likes to have control. Bf says he'll take me there "one of these days" but that the two of us can't really be serious until his grandpa stops asking for him. Basically grandpa is his girlfriend (time commitment-wise). I think much of this will stop when gpa stops remembering that bf is around and available. Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Gina

GINA:

Whether you realize it or not your bf is walking the noble and right course by taking care of his grandfather. How long have you two been together?

Your boyfriend as a caregiver is realizing where his limitations are and unfortunately that limitation is your relationship. His grandfather may forget his name, but won't forget the feeling of him or his presence. Often times in families you find that one is the caregiver, the others back off.

The best thing you can do is support your bf and give him his space and allow him to do what he feels is right for his grandpa. You should read a book called Alzheimer's Essentials; Practical Skills for Caregivers it will help you and your bf, find it at any book store or at [ REMOVED ] great book.

good luck.

I 2nd that opinion .. your BF is a good man ..loyal and dedicated .. in a bloke, that's something to treasure, in a human being, it's something to strive for.

I'm glad your giving him his space, but he also needs to realise that there will be a life after Grandpa, and he doesn't want to come out of that situation, to find himself alone. He must make time for himself as well. If the demands of Grandpa are getting too much for him, the best thing he can do for himself is to speak to the people Grandpa is living with and limit the desperate phone calls.

Perhaps Grandpa could be put on mild anti-depressants? If you read some of our stories, you will find that in almost every family, one person is the carer, the rest stand back and let it happen. Yes, some families support each other, but unfortunately, that is few and far between.

Your BF might not want to take you there. Ill, not 'normal', old people scare younger peole. I know, my BIL's girlfriend uses that emotion as her way of not helping, and perhaps your BF doesn't want to put you in that position, which would be why he isn't including you. His Grandfather might not like strangers and react badly .. you just don't know .. so perhaps your BF is trying, in essence, to protect you.

At least your BF is grown up enough to know he can't stretch himself, but I'm worried that he's putting his life on hold for an indeterminate amount of time. Alzheimers doesn't always have a use by date.

Read up on everything you can .. educate yourself as best you can, read our stories, learn about Carer Stress Syndrome and burnout .. TALK to your boyfriend, and if your willing, let him know that your still there for him, that when it all get's too much or he just wants to cry (and he will), that you will hold him and love him unconditionally. Tell him how proud you are that he has fantastic ethics and morals.

Cheers
Sally

He is most likely in the middle stages, which are where most Alzheimer's patients spend the most time. The evenings are extra tough as they experience Sun downing (a worsening of their anxiety, etc.) Alzheimer's disease takes a team effort so your boyfriend is going to need help caring for grandpa. As the disease progresses he will become more and more confused and even preparing himself a simple meal will become worrisome. There are good books out there that will help your boyfriend have a pretty clear idea of what is coming as the disease continues. One of the best books out there is Into the Mist, When Someone You Love Has Alzheimer's Disease. (Xlibris)
Alzheimer's is too big for anyone to do all alone. Best of luck.

Hi guys. I wish that I had advice to post for you, but I really know nothing about all of this. Thank you so much for all of your help. Here's a few more things I know about the situation. Grandpa's home serves him meals, and will feed, bathe, clothe, and help him in the bathroom when the time comes. They say they'll take his phone away when he is much worse. BF has asked about meds to calm gpa down but they say that they would turn him into a zombie. What about some nice Zoloft??

Bf and gpa were never close so there are no positive feelings. Only obligation. Bf is so depressed and keeps having panic attacks. He went to a psychologist but I don't think much came from that. We got together in February and it seemed like we might be getting serious. I think he thouht he could juggle both me and grandpa. Our "step back" really means that he text messages me twice a week and we see each other once every three weeks. We also work together so we see each other there. We're mostly a couple in that we agreed to not see anyone else while he deals with his problems.

Why doesn't he take me to see gpa? Because he's too tired and depressed to call me? I don't think he wants my help. He has always been the "caretaker" of his admittedly dysfunctional family and can't handle the idea of me taking care of him. I think he got so tired of cancelling and standing me up that he is afraid to try anymore. Basically, he is a mess. He goes to work, comes home and watches mindless TV while he waits for grandpa to call. Honestly, I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to dump him, I've never felt this way about anyone, but I get tired of crying myself to sleep.

Do you think you can get your boy friend to call the Alzheimer's Association or the Social Services departmet at your local hospital and tell them that he needs some information and advice? There are medications that help. My dad was up as many as 40 times per night and then ready to be on the go all day with no sleep. He tried to walk away when he didn't know his way home, drive when he was hullucinating...it will get a lot worse as time goes on and the plaque affects more or his brain. Your boyfriend no doubt feels overwhelmed and it may be that grandpa needs to be cared for by professionals. Just try to get him to open up to someone and ask for help. It is the lonliest feeling in the world to try to keep up with an ever changing situation. He sounds like a great guy and he needs to know that it is a sign of strength to ask for help. Good luck.

Shay's mom, you mentioned that gpa might need to be cared for by professionals. Does that mean someone not at the ALF? I know there is a nursing home-ish place next door which seems to be connected and has an AD unit. I told bf again that I would be willing to help out and that I know that his life is crazy right now and that I want to try and be a part of it anyway. He says his feelings for me haven't changed and yet we haven't spent time together outside of work for a month now. He is having panic attacks at work now. He had me stay late the other day so he wouldn't be alone in case the attacks started up again. He used to be able to pull it together for work but not quite as much anymore. I can only imagine what he is like at home on a regular basis. I think in a way he is hiding from me. Does he not want me to see him like this? Is this a Caregiver stress thing or some masculine pride thing? Is there anything I can do to help, preferably without him knowing about it?

My 2c again ....

Your bf is under WAY TOO MUCH stress .. this is not healthy for him. If he's having panic attacks, it's his body saying "get help"

See if you can get a professional ALZ person to talk to him. He has to be sat down and be told he will lose his LIFE if he keeps up this stress.

Of course he's hiding, he KNOWS he's not handling things as he believes he should, however, he's doing a SUPER job without much encouragement from others (Not you, other family members, the carers and the centre etc).

He needs to see a doctor, he needs a full medical work up, he needs to know he CAN relinquish care of Gpa into good hands in the AD unit and he needs to know that Gpa is CONTROLLING him and that is against the Geneva Convention if not just plain old moral ethics!!!

UGH arrrghhh .. ***FRUSTRATION***

Get ... no MAKE .. him get help .. NOW!!!!

Hugs & Goodluck
Sally

Hi Alto,

Another 2 cents here. My elderly little mother had Alzheimers.

During the course of her disease, I requested she be put on a mild anti-depressant in the mornings after I read an article that said how logical it is to be depressed about losing your mind and yourself to Alzheimers. Mom did lots better on that medicine. She was calmer and she quit crying constantly.

When she reached the sundowners stage and wandered all night, I requested she be given a mild sleeping pill. That helped immensely. She slept at night instread of being restless and frantic.

If your BF has his grandfather's Durable Power of Attorney to give him the legal right to request changes in his grandfather's care, I suggest he ask for both kinds of medicine for his grandfather. With an Alzheimer's diagnosis, the point becomes doing what you can so the patient is safe and happy. If pills can make that happen, great. There is no worry about becoming dependant on a medicine. With those pills, maybe his grandfather will sleep at night and stay off of the phone.

To get his life back, I suggest your BF get a new phone number or insist that his grandfather not be allowed to use the phone after 7pm or at all. He needs to step back from his grandfather's care and let the staff do as they're being paid to do. He can visit weekly and his grandfather will not know that he wasn't there every day before. His grandfather would never behave this way if he could help it. He would be horrified if he knew how he was harming his grandson.

BF needs to understand that all of his sacrifice of peace, sleep, fun, you, and his job preformance will not help make his grandfather one wit better and is actually, sadly, useless. The sense of responsibility that your BF had chosen to take on is also dangerous. He is being harmed. That is not reasonable or logical.

Perhaps you might go to his home, cook supper, take the phone off of the hook, and sit at the computer with him and come to this site, so he can read how others are coping, ranting, and how he can reasonably step back into his life.

Part of my story is that I never cared for mother in my home. I lived across the country, but as I considered whether to move her to an ASLF of take her to TX to my home, 3 of her friends called me (from Maine, Chicago, and VA) and told me not to bring her into my home because the toll on my health, my marriage, and my kids would be too great. They said mother would not want me to sacrifice that much at the end of her life. I was too young to give all for a dying person when my sacrifice would not help at all. I give this sage advice to your BF.

He must help himself. You cannot help enough to haul him back from the brink of disaster even though you care deeply and see the danger. I hope you can help him see reason. I hope you two can live happily ever after, too.

Your BF is blessed to have you in his life.

Hugs - Barbara

How goes it, Gina? I've certainly been thinking about you.

Blessings - Barbara

Hi. Thanks so much for your support. Part of the problem is that when he first started having his panic attacks, I got him to get a physical and go to a psychologist. This was while we were still trying to see each other regularly. The psychologist told him that he was stretching himself too thin and suggested that he and I take a step back from our relationship. Bf comes from a dysfunctional family. His mom is bipolar and I think his dad has some workaholic tendencies. He basically helped raise his younger brothers and believes that he needs to save his family. He even buys Thanksgiving dinner for his family since his mom won't cook it. When the psychologist said that he needed to cut back on activities, "non-family" people (me) were the first to get cut. I also don't think he wants to admit that he has psych. problems like the rest of his family. I just know that when he looks at me at work he gives me looks like he's drowning. Like he's desperate. He's told me how much he misses me and I get the feeling that he feels like he can't do anything about it.

Sally, you mentioned that gpa was controlling him. Can people with AD be controlling?

I can't just tell him to give up his need to be his family's savior and they certainly reinforce this behavior. He sees this caretaking role as the foundation for his identity. He claims that this is a hard time in his life and that eventually things will just go away and get better. End of discussion.

AAARRRGGGHHH! I'm so frustrated!!

Love,
Gina

Gina.

I am worried about you. Your BF may see himself as the savior of his family etc etc ..OR maybe it is not the way he is describing it.. I am not in your shoes and can't judge from so little information, but I strongly believe that when two people really love each other they find time for at least SOME contact.

How long have you known this guy? Did you ever meet his family? Do you know for absolute certain that everythng he tells you is really so? I only ask because there are men who enjoy sympathy from women by telling a lot of tall tales which later don't pan out. It bothered me right away that he wouldn't take you to see his grandfather. Do you know for sure that he even HAS a grandpa with Alzheimer's disease?

Don't get me wrong, I admire your loyalty and IF everyhting is really the way he tells it, he is unique. BUT "if something is too good to be true," etc ...

Meaning well, don't shoot the messenger :(

Martha

Hi Gina ..

Yes, AD patients can be VERY controlling !! With adequate speech, they can, quite convincingly put guilt trips on people, or make themselves out to be a victim and people BELIEVE them!!

There was a lady that had a special ID bracelet on her wrist. It cannot be taken off with one hand. So, in one of her escapes, she managed to get on a bus, and ask the lovely lady next to her to 'help take the bracelet off cause it's too tight". Of course, she looked and sounded like a completely normal person, how was this lady to know otherwise? Ergo .. one bracelet off, one escaped ALZ person ... fortunately, she was found pretty quickly.

There is a gentleman in the nursing home I've volunteered from, who looks like Lord Baden Powell. Good stature, well spoken .. keeps telling people he's in the wrong spot and could we please let him out? Looks normal. Speaks normal. When you don't let him out he starts pleading "They hit me here, look, see my bruises?" (no bruises) "If you leave me here they'll kill me, don't leave me here"

Can you see how an elderly man can make people feel guilty? If he's saying things like "Nobody cares about me" you can understand the guilt trip.

And .. like Martha says ... some things don't ring right. No psychatrist in this WORLD would ask you to put a relationship on hold for family. And if he's read the psychatrist wrong, then that's a bad psychiatrist, because they are supposed to make sure the people they work with leave knowing exactly what is required. There is no way, no how he would advise cutting out relationships!!! We need non-family members to base us and be our sounding boards ... not to run away from !!!!

Be careful Gina ... be careful. Sometimes the sympathy bid can be overwhelming on YOU!

Hugs .. keep us informed

Sally

Martha, you are beyond insightful. I had similar concerns but could not put them into words.

Gina, I hope you will take Martha's concerned skepticism to heart. It does seem as if you may not have the whole story. He may or may not be deliberately being untruthful, but if your relationship has any substance to it, it seems strange that he would push you away so much at any time but especially at this time when he could use all the support and caring he can get. I am also puzzled why a psychologist would tell him to cut you out of his life when it seems your relationship could only help him. Crummy psychologist? Or what has he told the psych. to get such a response?

Bottom line, it may sound sad or harsh, but maybe you should be thinking of moving on. Even IF he is being 100% sincere about everything, it seems he has repeatedly let you know that he basically is not available and the message is "don't call him, he'll call you." To put it bluntly, he doesn't act as if he cares much about you.

I realize I may be completely wrong and this may just be an extraordinarily difficult and unusual time in this guy's life and otherwise he would treat you better...but it does not seem like a promising start.