Sarabella
07-31-2005, 04:50 AM
I am new here. Hi. I have had a history of depression and eating disorders, low self esteem, impulse control, and trich (hair pulling). I am not on any meds because I don't want to be labeled as a crazy person. Please do not be offended by this. As you can tell, I am writing this because I am starting to feel as though I actually am crazy anyway.
I am anemic, so I don't know if I am depressed or just severely tired from that. But I do know that I pull my hair out, I have anxiety so I cannot drive far from my house or go out after dark, I get very violent when I have PMS ( I mean I am literally afraid that I could harm someone), I feel like I have to be perfect or no one will like me, I compare myself to people I perceive as perfect, or better than me, I am obsessed with my looks, and I am unsatisfied with the person I am. I feel like everyone is watching me and criticizing me, even strangers. I feel funny eating in restaurants, I always pick a spot where I can look at the wall instead of having to see another's face. I don't like to eat in my car, because I think that the other people are going to think I am a pig. That is why I don't like to see people's faces at restaurants too. I don't want anyone to see me put food in my mouth, because I think they will judge me. Just so you know, I am not anorexic or anything. Right now, I am eating like a normal person, i just have guilt associated with food...but it always revolves around what strangers think of me.
I also have an obsession of trying to copy people who I think are perfect. If someone has a spotless house, I will go home and clean clean clean until i can get mine just as clean or better. But it is all insane! Why the heck do I care? I feel crazy. Please help me and am I crazy enough to need a dr?
I am anemic, so I don't know if I am depressed or just severely tired from that. But I do know that I pull my hair out, I have anxiety so I cannot drive far from my house or go out after dark, I get very violent when I have PMS ( I mean I am literally afraid that I could harm someone), I feel like I have to be perfect or no one will like me, I compare myself to people I perceive as perfect, or better than me, I am obsessed with my looks, and I am unsatisfied with the person I am. I feel like everyone is watching me and criticizing me, even strangers. I feel funny eating in restaurants, I always pick a spot where I can look at the wall instead of having to see another's face. I don't like to eat in my car, because I think that the other people are going to think I am a pig. That is why I don't like to see people's faces at restaurants too. I don't want anyone to see me put food in my mouth, because I think they will judge me. Just so you know, I am not anorexic or anything. Right now, I am eating like a normal person, i just have guilt associated with food...but it always revolves around what strangers think of me.
I also have an obsession of trying to copy people who I think are perfect. If someone has a spotless house, I will go home and clean clean clean until i can get mine just as clean or better. But it is all insane! Why the heck do I care? I feel crazy. Please help me and am I crazy enough to need a dr?
Sponsor
Blue102
07-31-2005, 01:40 PM
Hi, just want to post and say that you're not crazy...but meds will probably help you. A lot of people (including myself) have slight imbalances in the serotonin levels in the brain. I mean, this is REALLY common. That could be why you're feeling the way you do. I say this because I can relate to some of the things you mentioned, like the trich, PMS and anxiety.
I would bet that counseling would help you sort through some of your self-esteem issues too. You really need to talk to someone who can help you put a perspective on things. Feel free to write back and ask questions or vent if you want to!
Hope that was a little helpful....and you ARE NOT CRAZY!!! :)
I would bet that counseling would help you sort through some of your self-esteem issues too. You really need to talk to someone who can help you put a perspective on things. Feel free to write back and ask questions or vent if you want to!
Hope that was a little helpful....and you ARE NOT CRAZY!!! :)
Sarabella
07-31-2005, 04:04 PM
Thanks for your reply, Blue. I do need to see someone. The last time I went on meds, I became suicidal so I am afraid to take anything. The meds were supposed to make me better, and instead they made me worse. I also do not want to get fat from meds, so I worry about that as well.
In my right mind, I know that being perfect is something that no one is, and can ever be. But in my emotional mind, it is what I feel I need to be. I just feel like if I am not the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect everything...that I am not worthy of anything. Being put on meds, well that is something I am afraid of. I am a control freak, and to me that would be like handing my control (or lack thereof) over to a pill. Then I would be dependent on IT, to get me through this life.
I don't think I am bipolar, and I don't have multiple personalities. But I know that taking meds is not a bad thing in my right mind. The hard part is getting the emotional "me", to hand control over to the smart "me". Does that make any sense? I am just really confused right now.
In my right mind, I know that being perfect is something that no one is, and can ever be. But in my emotional mind, it is what I feel I need to be. I just feel like if I am not the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect everything...that I am not worthy of anything. Being put on meds, well that is something I am afraid of. I am a control freak, and to me that would be like handing my control (or lack thereof) over to a pill. Then I would be dependent on IT, to get me through this life.
I don't think I am bipolar, and I don't have multiple personalities. But I know that taking meds is not a bad thing in my right mind. The hard part is getting the emotional "me", to hand control over to the smart "me". Does that make any sense? I am just really confused right now.
Blue102
07-31-2005, 09:54 PM
Hey,
I don't want to suggest that you have any certain disorder, but you might want to read about borderline personality disorder. My best friend has it, and in fact, I've read that up to a fourth of all women have it. (Not sure if that's a fact though.) It ties in with emotional distress and self-worth issues, like what you're describing. It sounds kind of morbid but it's nothing to worry about. I don't know...you might just want to check it out and see if that could shed some light on what you're dealing with.
The hard part is getting the emotional "me", to hand control over to the smart "me". Does that make any sense?
Makes a lot of sense! I'm trying to do the the same thing. I went off all my meds (which I've been on for about 10 years), hoping that I can sort of gain some personal control over my issues, without depending on the drugs. I don't know...some days I think that I really do need the meds. But if you want to understand yourself better, that can only help the situation, and counseling can definitely help with that!
Have you tried SAM-e? Just a suggestion...It's a nutritional supplement. I've been taking it for a couple of weeks and it *seems* to help me get a handle on myself to some extent. There's actually some good science behind how it works. You might want to try it if you're not ready to take the med route. But you should talk to a good psychiatrist and see what he has to say.
Good luck!!! Hope ya feel better. :)
I don't want to suggest that you have any certain disorder, but you might want to read about borderline personality disorder. My best friend has it, and in fact, I've read that up to a fourth of all women have it. (Not sure if that's a fact though.) It ties in with emotional distress and self-worth issues, like what you're describing. It sounds kind of morbid but it's nothing to worry about. I don't know...you might just want to check it out and see if that could shed some light on what you're dealing with.
The hard part is getting the emotional "me", to hand control over to the smart "me". Does that make any sense?
Makes a lot of sense! I'm trying to do the the same thing. I went off all my meds (which I've been on for about 10 years), hoping that I can sort of gain some personal control over my issues, without depending on the drugs. I don't know...some days I think that I really do need the meds. But if you want to understand yourself better, that can only help the situation, and counseling can definitely help with that!
Have you tried SAM-e? Just a suggestion...It's a nutritional supplement. I've been taking it for a couple of weeks and it *seems* to help me get a handle on myself to some extent. There's actually some good science behind how it works. You might want to try it if you're not ready to take the med route. But you should talk to a good psychiatrist and see what he has to say.
Good luck!!! Hope ya feel better. :)
NVR2L8
01-05-2006, 07:35 AM
I am in the same boat. Monday, for no appearent reason I started crying uncontrollably and had an overwhelming sense of doom. I also felt like I could actually hurt myself. It was an overwhelmig desire to hurt myself. It took everything to keep from doing it. I just balled myself up on the couch and rode it out.
This has happened before but only two other times. It is as if I am right on the edge you know? I felt trapped and so scared. I could have actually hurt myself if there hadn't been someone there with me I don't know what I would have done.
I am doing some research on bi-polar right now. I am hoping that this is not the case. If you have untreated depression or anxiety can it develop into bi-polar or BPD????
Thanks
This has happened before but only two other times. It is as if I am right on the edge you know? I felt trapped and so scared. I could have actually hurt myself if there hadn't been someone there with me I don't know what I would have done.
I am doing some research on bi-polar right now. I am hoping that this is not the case. If you have untreated depression or anxiety can it develop into bi-polar or BPD????
Thanks