Am I insane?

As a youngster I was always on the outside, I found it impossible to relate to other children, and as I grew up other adults.

I know this sounds madness, but I have always had a strong belief in some kind of fate. I believed from an early age that I had a specific purpose to be here on earth. Yet it did not satisfy my inner belief that I must accomplish something important, not necessarily on a grand scale, but something specific. I spent my time as an outsider, always feeling a physical pain in my chest and head that I did not know what that purpose is.

I am now 40 yrs old, I am told by my wife and other friends that I am overly sensitive, yet when I see atrocious things happening around the world, I feel pain deep inside, I feel it to the point of anger, and most extraordinary of all I feel somehow responsible for it. I have got to the point where I have few friends, I am almost reclusive and my family is being torn apart. My wife who I love more than words can say is going through so much pain because I seem to neglect her needs due to my obsession with what I should do about world problems.

Please don’t get me wrong, I know that I am just one person and have no control over what happens in the world, yet my stomach churns with every event of world crisis. My head feels like someone has put an electric whisk inside and is pulverising it, my heart beats so much that it feels like I’m going to explode.

I know this is totally abnormal, I am just one person who can not make a difference!! I know that I can make a difference to my family and I so much long to be there for them, but my inner anger is so intense.

I am not proud to say that I have taken that anger out on my wife, and she has been a great support to me, more than that I do not deserve her. I have recently hurt her more than any person ever has, and she has been hurt by many, but I am not proud to say that the hurt I have caused her is more intense than anything she has experienced before. This hurt is because I have decided to separate from her, because I am afraid of hurting her more. I hope that if and when I get my bizarre mental condition sorted out I will be able to return to her, if she will have me.

The reason for this post is to ask the question, has anyone else ever felt so intimately involved with world and social events that they take it personally in the way that I do? So much so that you feel somehow responsible, or deeply uncontrollably angry with everything.

I am not bigging myself up, I do not think I have any power to save the world, but what I do have is an irrational sense of self blame for the atrocities that occur. It’s kind of like sitting on some vantage point and seeing the world from a different perspective than most.

This is killing me, I am not egotistical, I would terminate my perception if I could, but in one sense or another it has been there since I was 8 or 9. It has ruined my life, I am now seeking help, but want to know if I am alone in this.

Thank you for reading this long post.

With gratitude

Brother Beyond.

Possible a mid-life crisis? And did you ever consider perhaps that most geniuses feel like they are not part of the pack but separate looking in?almost like an observer of human nature? And who said one man can't make a difference?Thank goodness, Christ, Buddha, Mohammed, Gandhi, Mother Theresa etc etc didn't think that way. You've reached 40 my friend,I got there before you!, it's not the end of the world and it doesn't mean it's too late to make your splash!have you actually tried anything?volunteer work,advocacy- there are plenty of groups out there, where's your passion -ethnicity, the disabled,animals etc..
Don't lose that passion, otherwise you will be what you think you are - a 40 year old with nothing going for him. You don't have to move mountains, just finding the greater meaning of life puts you way ahead of the game.
What really matters to you?what makes your heart sing?Set some small goals accomplish them and work from there :) Focus!

As annoying as this may seem we really have to be the deciders of what we want to experience. There is a lot pain in the world. Yes, no one really cares about how the oppressed people are suffering or about feeding aids stricken children in Africa. Policy is not intended to help. There are a few generous souls who devote themselves and their income to such projects but it's not your job to be concerned. The world will not change until it's ready. You are incorrect to say you're a part of it. Humans consume, are greedy, create waste, it's a bit like arguing half the population should kill itself so people can have more things. As populations increase the lower class need to be managed and are usually pushed aside. The truth is, the truth is ugly.

I got heavily into philosophy and sociology in my 20's b/c I felt I there had never really been a place that I fit. Our culture is nuts, the world is nuts, there's sh, err crap everywhere. But it's never been about the crap. It's not about having perfection. I have a feeling you had some hard times growing up and possibly controlling or over protective parents.

The fact that you were an outsider type (as was I) indicates you had concerns ad reasons for why you couldn't be like everyone else, which is generally somewhat careless and ill thought. You look at the behavior of most people in America and it's very self serving, then again we are quite threatened most of the time I believe, always trying to justify things we do. You need to relax, it sounds like you've been pretty wound up most of your life. I was unhappy and bitter through much of my childhood, learned to hate and curse the word, until about 21 when I calmed down a lot, left a lot of that behind.

The feelings that you have a purpose or something similar is also fueled by some need to feel special due to feeling guilty growing up or unworthy of enjoying things as other people do. I get a feeling about it from the tone of your writing as well. I'm guessing the root of your problems occurred growing up, guilt, feeling trapped, hiding from others, being an individual with above average intelligence, finding flaws and injustice and reasons why things don't make sense and are unfair.

The philosophical solution is to realize as I said, it's not about the crap, it's not about the pain. Even if you somehow did save the rest of the world, (fusion energy, new food sources) you'd still have plenty of unhappy people woofing prozac and gouging themselves on food. Things are how they for a reason, really it's about acceptance and understanding yourself. From your post you sound like someone who really hasn't found peace yet within himself. That's what everyone wants, to stop searching, to stop striving. Modern life makes us a little coocoo, but it's certainly not fault. Subjective pleasure is about all that saves us from cold desolate nihilism, so I advise you love your wife, take trips feel close to her, feel closer to her than you've ever felt before, because that's all there is. It's based solely on how the world feel to us, our experience in it.

Sorry to be deep if that's not you're style. I also advise you see some sort of mental health professional. Few person issues in my life were ever solved by philosophical ruminations. I realized these things slowly. A good rule to understand is we all have lies we live by for some it's god, for some a nutty self help technique, science or philosophy, we all see the world differently but that's the point is there is no more correct view than any other. You can't save the world, I advise you start by saving yourself.

Perhaps you could reply back with some of your past history or tenancies, but I'm really guessing the need to save the world and feel guilty is something that extends beyond this, seldom is it ever an isolated issue, there's a reason for this fixation. Working out issues is a lengthy process, no one gets over anything instantly or in a month or even a year. You may have quite the journey, I feel for you being well aware of the way depressive and anxious thoughts can take over. I'm not sure if this is the politically correct response, but my view the world is pretty different from most peoples, clearly the view you have hasn't enable you to find much peace or solace in yourself or the world. Feeling outside and distant from the world is the likely culprit. Reiterating, it's a matter of perspective, there isn't one perspective, the world will continue to have problems. Will you?

Anyway good luck working this stuff out. This post by no means offers any direct solution or fix, it takes time you will need to find yourself, but do take some of my points into consideration before you go running off basically acting nutty. These behaviors do no good despite being seemingly justifiable for this internal crisis you are having. You'll need to do most of the thinking and realizing, I can't do it for you, no one could do it for me, you certainly can't do it for the rest of the world. If you like post more history on yourself and your day to day experience and symptoms or how you see the world. This cannot be an isolated issues as I say. Good Luck.

Oh yeah and you're totally not insane. If you've ever seen Bill Maher: I'm Swiss, his comedy special, I feel basically allied in his view as for the state of America, it's worth some laughs to know you're not the only person to realize how insane the world is.