Hello all

This is my first time posting on this board, but I already posted on "relationship health".

I have got a problem of uncontrollable anger: Six months ago I started to find it extremely difficult not to show my anger to my current BF. I always felt very insecure, and rightly so, becuase of his drukenness-related problems. He did lots of intolerably stupid/offensive things that deeply and very negatively affected my life, study (I am a final-year PhD student), and mood. I became very dark and unable to trust him because of the so many broken promises and frustrations I experienced with him.

Recently, he admitted having a problem and sought professional help but I couldn't stop the attacks of panick and anger fits. I would burst at the slightest disagreement or flag of a problem. I just came back from a two-week holiday with him at my mum's. He met my mum and dad for the first time, and was really nice to everyone. We had great time, except for the times in which I lost control for nothing things really, and cried loudly twice or three times. Everyone was amased at the change in my personality (I used to be very calm and tolerant), and they all thought my anger was unnnecessary. I felt extremely guilty for spoiling this wonderful time for everyone :( although everyone was understanding and forgiving. I said hurting things to him but apologised imediately after I calmed down (after few minutes usually). They just felt worried about me.

I would like to learn to exercise self-control and would truely appreciate anyadvice from people with similar experiences. I thought of going to yoga classes. I already had counselling to cope with his Alcoholism.

Thanks
D

I would think that If you only get this way with him and no one else than maybe he is not for you! Some times we pick some-one who we can do this sort of thing to because we know we can, and they keep coming back far more, I think there are things you do not like about him . He allows you to abuse him in this way, So he does not think much of his self worth. You need to ask your self why am I really doing this? Does this person really make me happy, There may be a void in the friend ship causing this. Felicia

Felicia

Thanks for your reply. My anger is not out of the blue. I loved him but his drinking habit put me and him in *a lot* of trouble and worry and stress. I was even prescribed anti-depressants and my GP said I had anxiety. That's why I feel insecure and apprehensive all the time. Now he's seeking professional help but I just can't take these problems out of my system easily :( I would like to learn to practice self-control because my anger does not help anyone, and I don't wonna lose him.

Thanks Felicia again for your reply

DIdo, . HI, I knew he was doing somthing to cause this, I have a husband that likes to drink and I use to do the same thing with him . BUT I have always had an angry problem. NOT only with him but alot of people that have come into my life. I knew that this was not normal to act like this, and I felt bad when it happen. BUT i can tell you this! people react to the way we act.! IT took me sometime too relize , that I have no control over what someone else does. letting go and accepting them just the way thay are, or moving on with my life with out them. I live a better life with out all that angry Not to say I dont get angry BEcause we all do BUT I have learned that I get alot more from him by talking to him in a diffrent way. ALSO YOU have to know that this power will come from you! DONT REACT to his actions. DONT give him this power over you, THIS is your way of showing pain. INSTEAD OF SAYING YOU ARE HURTING ME! AND I DONT LIKE IT. HEY if I can do it so can you ! It will be different for awhile but then it will be like riding a bike. AND YES your GP is right on the money. YOUR stress level is up there it is like a pressure cooker that is about to bust. You need to vent some where even if it is on here. GO for long walks, ride a bike, go swimming lay in the sun find some joy to balance thing out then IT will not get to you so bad when it does happen. GOOD LUCK.............keep me posted FELICIA

SUCH great advice Felicia! I have recently been trying to do things such as take walks, read outside or head to the gym more to help think out my issues so that I don't let them eat me up. It also gives me time to cool down so that I don't explode.

Great Advice!

Felicia and Hay, thanks a million for being supportive. Felicia, I read and re-read every sentence in your reply because it justs describes the way I feel exactly. And you are absolutely right. This morning I was at work and our flat landline was engaged for long. He said his ex called him to talk about his daughter!!! BTW hi daughter used to get scared of her mum's drunkenness when she was a child, his dad told me. Then I was shaking in the office and had to take time off because I couldn't concentrate on work. When I saw him I kept calm until he rang his dad and said that I was jealous. Then I burst into tears and we had an argument. I asked him to leave me on my own for a couple of hours and had few cigarettes, and few cups of tea...Then I remembered your words, they just were great. I thought he was in the process of recovering from Alcoholism and I didn't want to provoke him. I apologised and explained that I got annoyed first because he said something nasty about me, then because this ex is normally abusive and I thought that she was using his child just to talk. Despite this I told him than he can, of course, still communicate with her if it is to do with his daughter. He walked for an hour then came back with food. Then she rang me on my mobile and asked to speak to him!!!! this was the third time she's telephoned but I was absolutely in control of my temper and asked him to ring her back, which he did. I told her that I had no problem receiving her call again if it's about his daughter. Well I feel far better now that I opened the door for him and showed him that he could answer, although I don't really like the fact that she keeps on ringing. We were on holiday, we swam and went out and enjoyed it a lot. That's why I felt frustrated with all these negative influences again. However, as you said Felicia, I won't give him or anyone this power over me. They can't make me upset whenever they want. Right now I feel far better about myselg because I reacted in a way that satisfies me, thanks to your wonderful words and wise advice.
D