My brother is at her house. I just found out that he's been diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer. We haven't been close in the past few years. I lost one brother to cancer in 2001. He was 53 when he died. This brother is 53 now. I also lost a brother in 1995. He was 43.

Brother B has two more chemo treatments to go. He didn't want the family to know. This is such a shock.

I spoke to dad earlier today. He was laughing at the thought of our neighbor digging up part of our front yard without any of our knowledge. I had to call the police on them and the police wanted to know if I had a survey of this property. So much for that. The neighbor is supposed to have a building permit in his window (which he does not).

And dad didn't even mention to me that my brother had gone the 700 miles to visit him and my sister. It didn't even seem to sink in with him that B has cancer.

R has informed me that dad doesn't remember much anymore. She just thought I should know that. What on earth ever gave her that clue???? DUHHHHH!!! I know the world has to have some idiots......but do I have to be surrounded by them???

I haven't spoken much to my brother lately but I still love him. He's my brother. I hurt when he hurts.

I've lost nine family members in the last twelve years, three of them immediate family. This is so hard.....

Love, Barb

Dear Barb,

I'm so sorry for this bad news. But it doesn't mean he will have to die of it. A close friend of mine in NY went through the whole thing: colon cancer diagnosed, operation, radiation, chemo. She came out of it weak and thin but alive. No cancer was found at the last few exams. She is getting her old weight and strength back. One horrible thing: her Mom has Alzheimer's and was not aware of her illness, the whole time her Mom complained abut how seldom she came to see her...

Maybe your brother will get through it too.

Your sister could not wake up until she actually had him there for some length of time. How long has it been now? My sister was still in denial after 3 weeks ... maybe longer is needed with the really, really 'unbelieving' ones ..use another word if you choose ...

Mom talked happily to me on the phone again this week; did not remember falling or not being allowed to swim, and told me something about her parents' farm (abandoned since 1959 and only visited occasionally by men in the family who like to hunt) as if she had just been there. I don't know if she overheard someone talking about it , or what. She went on and on about how high the uncut grass was. She didn't say a word about her own injuries. I'll try to find out later from Bill if they perhaps actually drove to the farm which is quite far from their summer cabin, but not impossible ...

The day she returned from Ohio and her sister called, and asked Mom how E is doing, Mom replied "Oh I don't know. I haven't heard from E for a year." I never told E this as it would have come across as a lie to her. She thinks those visits are Mom's lifeline since ONLY there does anyone treat her as a normal human being.

Oh, that's funny! Her promised visit in July didn't happen. Oh, Maybe she meant July 2006?? When Mom is nearly 98?

I wish your brother a full recovery and I hope you get more understanding from R after this ..

love,

martha

Hi Barb,

So sorry to hear of your brother's illness and am glad he's getting treatment for it. Hope you can talk with him soon to express your love and best wishes.

So R has at last enough evidence that your Dad is forgetful. No sh**, Sherlock!! What was the clue that she latched on to? It is incredible how so many relatives can cling to denial until the evidence clobbers them over the head, isn't it??????

Hope your own doctors are aware of your family history of cancer and early death, so will take special care of you. Be sure to tell them this worrisome news about your older brother on Monday.

No answer to the idiot question here - sorry!

Sending hugs and best wishes to you - Barbara

I'm just sitting here, shaking my head ...

FAMILY .. !! Sheesh !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope brother recovers!!

Hugs
Sally

Thanks everyobe for the well wishes. I've just been sitting around absorbing things and trying to rest my brain if that's possible.

R called again and started talking about dad's will. She's never seen it although I've told her what's in there. My brother B is concerned about if he's in there or not (he's not). He's spent all of his life leaching off of people. He never calls unless he needs something. That's why we haven't spoken much in the last several years. I've refused to give him money. Back then, I had a brand new house and a new car and lots of big bills. He thought I was selfish for not helping him anymore when I was making lots of money. Well, that's when I realized it's not my responsibility to pick up B's mess. He's 12 years older than me and has never been a big brother to me.

This has made me rethink some things and I would like to have some sort of a relationship with him. He's using my dad and R right now because he has no place to stay.

Anyway, enuf about that.

My brother who died in 2001 died of thyroid cancer that spread very quickly. That really scares me. I have a bad thyroid which is giving me a lot of trouble lately again. My blood levels are all over the place which is causing me to loose my hair again and sleep long periods of time (other symptoms too yukky to mention). The doctor had to lower my medicine because I was having heart palpitations. So now here we go again with about 6 months of adjusting (slowly raising) medications and having blood tests done every six weeks and hopefully a thyroid scan to check for nodules.

I'm sorry. I know this is not the place to post about these things. It's just easier to type it than to speak it right now if that makes any sense.

I'm trying not to worry too much about things. I like to take the attitude that when trouble arises, having gone through it will make me a better person.

Gotta go take Nipsy (my Jack Russel/Toy Fox Terrier) up to Romeofest. Dh is working driving shuttle busses for the fest and Bo (my son) is working there for our local tv station. He does volunteer work at the station. He does everything from grip to cameraman (his usual job) to directing and editing.

A PROUD mama, I am!

Love, Barb

Hi Barb,

Hope you enjoyed the Romeofest. I think it's a hoot that your Jack Russell mix is named Nipsy! I'm sure Nipsy Russell would be pleased!

Do take care of yourself and make sure your doctor knows of the family history of thyroid cancer so he orders scans as part of your care. I have lupus and know the frustration of fatigue, medications, and the hassle. Try to be peaceful. There is a book I love that has nothing to do with illness. It's called "A Touch of Wonder" by Arthur Gordon. Its chapter length stories restore my spirit.

I imagine it's difficult to say no to a family member in need - until you've been asked, said yes and had them return for more and more or even foolishly spend what you gave generously. You're doing the right thing as hard as it is because to continue to say yes is to be an enabler and that helps no one for long. Stick to your guns, tell your brother you love him but the answer must still be no.

As was said in Steel Magnolias, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." After dealing with a loved one with Alzheimers and accompanying family members, I imagine that we are each amazingly strong, not to mention wonderful, women and men.

Hugs - Barbara :)

Dear Barb,

Hope you had fun at the Fest. Try not to worry.

In German they have a saying "It won't be eaten as hot as it was cooked." It means things will not turn out as bad as we sometimes think. Live for today. I wish I could be there to tell you in person to relax, have fun, enjoy your wonderful son, and let the future take care of itself.

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof ...

Love,

Martha

Awww, you ladies are soooooo sweet!!! I did enjoy my day at Romeofest. I spent most of it sitting with my husband as he worked. I didn't get to see my son as Nipsy was not allowed in that area and dh was working so he couldn't take care of her.

I can't take credit for Nipsy's name. The people who were fostering her before we adopted her named her. They said it fit her because she's a Jack Russel and she was bitten (actually attacked) by a bigger dog. She had an infected open wound that was stitched up poorly when I took her. Being the caregiver, I paid $100 for her and took her the next day to our vet and paid almost $200 more to get rid of the infection in her leg. Then a few months later, she had a seizure. I took her back to the vet and discovered she is epileptic and later found out that she, like me, has hypothyroidism. You'd never know it by the energy she has! :) I love her to death. She's my baby. She sleeps with me and sits on my lap almost all the time (except when I'm at the computer-she tries to type!).

I forgot to tell you ladies that I called my other sister S (in Oklahoma). I told her about B and his cancer. She was not as sympathetic. She thinks he should die a horrible death after what he's put everyone through. She says that anyway. I don't think she totally means it. But I respect the fact that she has no sympathy toward him. He's put her through much more than he has me.

He's pretended to be ill many times just to have a place to stay. He used the VA so much by saying he's an alcoholic (he is) and going into rehab because that was the last resort before sleeping in the streets. The VA won't take him anymore for alcohol abuse. To be honest with you, I don't know if I'm in denial or if I question whether he really does have cancer. He's the only person to bring out the schepticism like this in me.

R called again and said that B is getting on dad's nerves and she thinks an explosion is about to occur. She won't sit down with B and tell him how it has to be in her house. B likes to come into other people's homes and tell them what they should be doing. He's a neat freak and if you set a glass down after you drank all the contents, he asks if you're going to put it in the sink! He lives wherever he goes for free and he tries to tell others what they're doing wrong in their lives. One time, he had the gall to tell me what I should do with my life. He overstayed his welcome where he was at so he went to a shelter. This is where he was when he told me what I was doing wrong in my life. I was married and raising my son (he abandoned his wife and kids and blames the kids, who are now adults, for not wanting to see him!). I had a nice big house that was about 6 months old. I had a brand new car and he had just the clothes on his back and was asking me for money. But MY life was messed up, not his (according to him).

Oh ladies, I have issues with him. I need to get past this so that if it's true (there's the schepticism) and things don't turn out well for him, I'll be at peace knowing that I resolved those issues and was able to just love him. I really want that.

Am I making any sense? I'm so sleepy I can barely think straight.

Love, Barb

Hi Barb,

I am sorry to hear about your brother having cancer. Maybe it can be cured or at least delayed by many years. My FIL has had colon cancer 4 times! They always took out a little more colon and sewed him up. This man is now 90 and his bouts with colon cancer started when he was in his 40s!!! My DH needs to go and get his colonoscopy (has not had one in more than 5 yrs.). I think he is afraid that he will have something wrong, so he does not want to go.

I hope you are having regular colonoscopies. They are really important. Our DDs are supposed to start when they are 30, because of their Grandpa!

I am glad that maybe your sister is finally learning just how much the Alzheimers has affected yalls dad. Maybe she will be nicer now?! HA! HA!

I lost my sister when she was 40 (to an accident). I was 42. Am now 54. I really do miss her. I think you would feel better if you tried to communicate with your ill brother. Just do not let him move in with you, or give him any $. (I wonder how much longer your sister can stand all that extra family staying with her?!) It has been my experience, that when so many people you love die or get ill (alzheimers), you should really try to enjoy them more and learn more about them. I know it would probably be hard with you brother! You should do what you think is best for you. Mentally and physically.

Don't you just love doggies. Nipsy is a good dog name! I bet she is a sweetie pie!! We have a 11 yr. old yellow lab. His name is Alex, Al for short, or any other nickname we want to call him. He is our son, now that our DDs have lives of their own. They make you feel so much better, when you are down. They say that petting animals is good for a person. Our dog gets almost everything he wants. Loves car rides, playing ball (in spite of his arthritis!), and eating people food!!! Our puppy dog probably only has less than a year to live. Most of our dogs have died at 9 or 10 yrs. It will be almost like a person dying. Some great mourning will be going on at our house. But in 2 wks time, there will be a 4th lab. Just cannot do without those sweet lovable doggies!!!

Well, now I have written a book, with just a little said about alzheimers. I am sure I will come up with more AD talking in a short amount of time!

You take care of yourself Barb. Wannabe