Hello,
Has anyone had problems with a person they suspect has dementia refusing to seek help?

History: In her 50s, my mum had a couple of 'mini-strokes'. There are still aspects of her personality which haven't changed drastically, so some people who meet her just see her as excentric. However, she can't carry out simple tasks, follow a logical discussion, is extremely argumentitive, threatens whenever it looks like she won't get her own way, does everything very slowly and tries to control all aspects of our family's life, which causes many problems financially. However, whenever we offer solutions, she will go out of her way to do the opposite. She is adament that it is the rest of her family which has the problem and would never go to the doctor.

It would be a relief if she would just let others help, but currently she is frustrating all our attempts to make life better for us all (eg. she shops compulsively wasting money we can't afford, won't let anyone throw away the stuff she accumulates leaving our house more than untidy) I have only just discovered this board whilst searching for info on multi-infarct dementia, which is what I suspect she has.
Help!

Hi Alex,

How old is your mother now?

I don't know how much multi-infarct dementia is like Alzheimer's, but the experiences of many folks here is that early AD patient are in denial and act much like your mother is acting. Many conversations here have dealt with how to get them to the doctor. Be sure to alert the doctor to your concerns before the appointment, then trick your mother or tell her it's an annual physical because of past strokes that's required. It won't be easy, but it is essential to know what's happening. There may even be medicine or treatment that will help.

Is your father still there? If so, he can limit the money your mother has access to, take away the credit cards and such. If he's not there, it will be more difficult unless someone already has Durable Power of Attorney for your mother. If no one has that legal authority, you'll probably need an eldercare lawyer to help.

Maybe the family can quietly return the items she buys by finding the receipts in the bags. Everyone can work together to clean the house, too.

Try to not confront her, but to just do what needs to be done. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be. I do hope you have family support in trying to help your mother.

A telephone call to her current doctor and to the doctor who cared for her when she had the mini-strokes would be the place to start.

Wishing you well - Barbara

One thing I found out about my dad-if I tried to help him by telling him what he needed to do or what I was going to do for him, he ALWAYS did the opposite!

This doesn't always work in every situation and it doesn't always work for everyone. But I think it's always worth a try. When you want your mom to do something, make very subtle suggestions. If you see her getting aggitated, change the conversation to something more positive. Go back to the suggestion only when your mom is in a good mood. Dance around the subject by asking "Do you think it's a good idea if....?" If you ask questions instead of saying something like "I think you should", you may get better results.

My dad knew what was happening to him early in the disease. He would NEVER admit it to us but I would sometimes catch him saying things like "I'm getting like my dad".

My dad's been out of town for over a month now. I've had time to reflect on some things and try to figure out as best I can how his mind is working now and how he feels about his AD and all that goes with that.

So far I've figured out his anger directed at me (or so I think) is not always because I've done or said something to provoke an angry reaction. Sometimes he's angry at his illness. Sometimes he's angry at someone else. Sometimes he's angry because he forgot the Cubs game was on tv at 1pm and not 7pm. Sometimes he's angry because that's the only way he knows how to express his feelings of hurt. Sometimes he's angry at himself because (this is the big one) he feels that he and his disease are a burden to me.

I've also learned to listen to his stories over and over again. I know I'll miss them when he's no longer able to tell them.

I've learned to allow myself to feel sad over my dad's disease but to not let it ruin my life.

I've learned to ask my dad's opinion on things and if I can't use his advice, I tell him "Thank you. I really appreciate your opinion". This makes him feel good. He doesn't have to know I did it just to humor him.

Sure, it would be easier if your mom would let you help. But she may see your help as a loss of independence for her. To her, she may feel that giving up her independence means she's getting older and it's one step closer to the grave. And by giving up her independence, she may feel that she'll lose her dignity as well.

If you think the house needs to be cleaned, you can ask your mom for help with something. I know, I know. It'll be done faster if you do it yourself. Been there. Know that. :) But it may make her feel needed and useful. And that's more than worth the extra time.

The paragraph above is my Plan 1. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. And if it doesn't, I go to Plan 2. Here, I think of a few things that need to be done pretty badly in my opinion. Then I say something like "I'm in a cleaning mood but can't decide whether I should clean the bathroon or wash the curtains. What do you think?" And if he thinks neither of them are dirty, I say "Well, I can mop the floors or do laundry".

And if Plan 2 doesn't work, I enlist the help of my uncle. I either drop dad off at my uncle's house or my uncle picks him up. They spend some time together while I do what I need to do.

Now to answer your original question. Has anyone had problems with a person they suspect has dementia refusing to seek help?

YES!!!!!! My dad di the SAME THING! Reason? I think it was because, in his heart, he already knew. His dad had gone through it as well as a couple of people on my mom's side. He saw what happened to them. He was scared and still is. He's in between stage 5 and 6. But some days, he has glimpses of amazing clarity.

For my dad, the diagnosis seemed one step closer to the end of things as he knew them. That's a very frightening thought for anyone.

My dad has other health conditions so I used them as an excuse to get him to the doctor. I told him the doctor called and wanted to see him about his blood pressure medication and she said if he didn't go, she couldn't refill his prescription (ok, I lied!). While there, I discussed his memory loss and mood swings with his doctor (while dad was not in the room). She refered him to a geriatrician to be tested. That's how I got him there. And he's been going ever since then.

Hope this helps!

Please come back to the boards. BTW, welcome! You're in good company!

Love Barb

Yes, I know how you feel. My FIL has dementia caused by mini-strokes. I told him I was taking him to the Doctor for his check-up and then discretely slipped a sheet of paper with every symptom typed out on it to the Doctor. The Doctor did the memory test and then had him sent to a neurologist, who had him take an MRI which showed the mini-strokes. He is very argumentive at times and wants to boss everyone around. It's very frustrating! Of course, his memory is horrible. I wish you well and hope you can learn a lot here. I've just started posting and have learned a lot. Blessings and keep coming back - I feel that will help you. cindy

Hi Alex79,

My mom has diabetes and early dementia. She does not take good care of her diabetes problem and does not think she has early dementia. But that is what her doctor said. She does a lot of the same things your mom does. Some in a somewhat different way, tho.

She keeps everything also. She has a terribly messy house. I do try to pick up a little, when no one is looking. It is a lost cause with her. She will not let anyone come in and clean. They probably would not want to. She also does the thing about argueing a lot and about wanting her way. And sometime she is just mean and rude! Not only to me, but to store clerks and such. Especially when she does not agree with you or you do not do what she wants. Of course, it could be the uncontrolled diabetes. She also does not like to go to the dr. So we just do not discuss her medical problems. We just concentrate on my dad.

On the other hand, my father has alzheimers (5-6), as is as nice as pie! But he does like to sleep a lot and is getting worse.

I also agree with Barb and Barbara. The part about saying things the correct way, to prod them along and to help communication. And the part about handing the dr. a folded note that you had ready. The doctors always read the notes. And my dads drs. will call and talk to me and I can call them. They do not follow the privacy thing when there is alzheimers.

Hope you can get your mom to a dr. somehow, someway. Take care. Wannabe