Hi Everyone,
I have been away for a few weeks...I just read over your last post KFld, sure hope your son is doing well & that he got a job. I haven't seen my son for almost a month, he has been at college. I had't talked to him much because he only had a pre-paid phone & no minutes left. He did keep in touch during this past month. I did as thghtsreal suggested & have given him no $. It's amazing even without a car he got himself a JOB..washing windows...The complex was within walking distance & he could go after classes & in his off time. He hasn't even asked for any money.

He is planning on coming home for 2 weeks and then begining the fall semester away in another state. I am so nervous to have him back in our home. I really have no idea for sure what he has been up to as far as DRUG use. Seeing is believing. I cannot trust what he says. As far as I'm concerned as was said to me, "If his lips are moving, he's lying." He said that he will not tell anyone that he is home during this 2 weeks. The last 5 weeks he was home was pure H...and that's when we found out about the drug use.
I am making up a contract for him to sign when he gets here. He is basically going into seclusion for 2 weeks. I can't believe he is willing to do this. I need to see this change.
Contract
No phone calls in private.(home phone calls recorded)
No one comes over except Matt B.
You do not leave this house except with dad to work or accompanied by mom or dad (store, eat, whatever)
Work everyday Mon-Sat, with dad
Church with family on Sundays
We will screen your calls; remember you are not home!
Meet with counselor
Go to recovery classes on Wed. ( Mom & dad go too!)
Random home drug testing
Contact recovery program where you will be going to school
Enjoy your family
Read in spare time!

I like this quote from one of you, "You hurt me once , shame on you.
You hurt me twice, shame on me."

These addict kids are so scary and so untrustworthy. The whole family gets nevous to have them home. Yet they love the brother they once knew. My son thinks he got off drugs all on his own. I cannot believe him. Besides even if it is his desire, he needs so much more knowledge & power to deal with the situations that will come up througout his life. If life was easy & you turned to drugs. What will these kids do when life gets tough. What will they do when a botttle of pain meds stares them in the face, when temptations come at them, when life kicks them in the butt, when they have a surgery or "real" pain, where will they get their strength. I feel a recovery program is so important. Drugs lure is really more than addicts are prepared to deal with on their own.

I will keep you posted. I know what I am dealing with when I see him. I am scared. I continually pray for each of you & your children.

Sad mom

I know how nervous you must be. I hope it goes well for you and I hope he signs and follows the contract and isn't saying all of this figuring once he walks in the door you will back down.

My son has been home for 2 1/2 weeks and as far as I know, he isn't attending meetings, hasn't finished his community service hours and is still looking for a job, but I'm not to sure, because he hasn't really had time for the ones who supported him through all of this. Haven't really seen him much. He goes to court on Thursday and I can't decide whether to go with him or not, though the lawyer said I should be there. I may call the lawyer and tell him I'm not really sure how he's doing and that I can't be there and see what he says.

I will be thinking about you. I can feel the knot in your stomach as you wait for him to come home. If you are anything like me, I hope you got a good night sleep last night, because you probably won't sleep again until he goes back to school. Please let me know how it goes.

Make it easy on yourself. When he gets home, tell him that he needs an emergency plan in case he gets kicked out. Tell him that if you find he is on drugs, he is out of the house that very moment. No fighting. No arguments - OUT.

Also, you should have the contingent that if you feel uncomfortable or if it is not working, then you can kick him out with 24 hours notice.

It isn't a very warm message, but he needs to know that he is a guest and that you do not have any obligation to house him. If he is a good guest and brings joy to the household, he can stay. Otherwise, he has got to go.

Good luck.

How did your first night go????? I can't wait to hear. I hope it went smooth. I'll check back soon to see if we've heard from you.

Good Morning Kfld & thghtsreal...
When I got home from work yesterday...son had called & his ride won't be leaving until today... Soon my son called to talk to me, which I was happy about. I am so suspicious of everything he does even him not coming home is suspicious. I told him this (never do have a problem telling him how I feel, sometimes that's one of MY problems). He was very nice & explained what was going on with his ride. I told him I need to set down rules with him because we hadn't had time to REALLY discus this, "HOMECOMING". He mentioned the that he could talk/see Matt which I agree, so we are on the same page there. He again stated that we would be able to see the change & that things will be different. I am anxious for him to come home by Wed. night becuase I want him to go to the meeting. (My problem: contol). I feel just as you said thghsreal, this is a privilege for him to even step into our home...to sleep & eat here is a honor for him. I have a question...Do you think I should take down all the "STUFF" in his bedroom of the , "GOOD OLE' DAYS"? High school awards, trophies, the stuff that looks like , "What a great kid I am?" Because he seems to live in this idea...that he is the ALL-American good kid..."Everyone would want me for their son attitude." (Yeah! right everyone loves a nightmare!") It really isn't his bedroom anymore...Maybe I shoud ask him to pack this stuff up?
I've read over both of your threads...I have so many of the exact feelings that you have gone through & are going through. I know we need to take care of these boys for the Now..but I am so concerned for the future. Do you feel that there is something inside them that is being covered up by the drug use & other behaviors they exhibit?
KFld- I am getting the sense that things are not all that great with your son. I can relate to you so much. I know your heart is breaking for him. Your son is younger than mine. Mine has been in varius stages of causing us problems for apx. 4 years, always escalting. The way I see it he should be in jail right now for bringing drugs (OXY) across state lines. When I called him a drug addict, he was so offended. But that's how I see him. I loved the "detaching" comments...I finally felt that I could detach from my son..I had to I was driving myself nuts. If you can detach a little bit more things will seem better, it's a good feeling. I feel it is harder to do the younger your son is, anyway it was for me. When I finally detached (I thought I did) he seemed to come back like a boomer-rang! Actually our whole family is in various stages of detaching...like you thghtreal it is so hard for siblings to go from the one they loved & supported in everything he did to the one they loathe.
I want to keep in touch. If I can get to the "Truth" about where my son has been (over these past years), why he feels he has the need for trouble & drugs, and if he is willling to make a change..it's going to be a long road. I will share more with you. Maybe something he shares can help you son. I just don't understand the whole drug mentality. I need insight... You are both just what I need. Thanks A Bunch..

Thanks for listening,
Sad mom

No need to thank us for listening, that is what we are here for :)
Anyway, about the changing his room thing, I think I would give him the option and ask him if there is anything that makes him uncomfortable and give him permission to pack it up, or ask if you can do it together.

As far as how my son is doing, I think I blow things up and over react sometimes when he's not doing things my way. He may not be using at all. He looks good, when he's home, but I'm expecting him to go to meetings 7 days a week, and be looking for a job 24/7, and because he's not doing it my way I automatically assume he's not doing it right. I have to learn patience and get away from the control thing. I'm learning this from alanon, but it's not always as easy to practice it when I actually have to. DETATCH, DETATCH, DETATCH!!!

I guess sometimes I worry that if I detatch too much he's going to think I just don't care and I'm not longer there to support him if he is doing well, then he may think, why do all this if they don't care, or they don't believe me.

So much to worry about, so little time :)

I am having a good day today though because I went to alanon last night.

Hope your sons homecoming goes well. It sounds like he has a good attitude and I think you will be able to tell very quickly if there are really changes, or he just wants you to believe there are.

Keep us posted.

You know what life is so hard when you think you have it all right! Life takes a U-TURN. I dont know what to say over the his bedroom. I think I would just have to leave it as a reminder of what life was like before drugs. I think him knowing that you know what he has been doing is enough! I think seeing the hurt in your eyes will speak for its self alone with you puting the rules down. I hope you can enjoy each other while he is there, detaching is a hard thing to do , But we all know that if it may save our child we have to. Alone with saving our self from the hell thay are putting us in. God bless you and your family. and I have a saying.. when you dont know what to do stand back and wait the answer will come. When you dont know what to say!( say nothing.) it always works for me...... most of the time anyway! Felicia

felicia-- God bless you. that is a wonderful way of looking at things. one of my problems is that i always want to help everyone then at times regret it. your motto of standing back and doing nothing and saying nothing is pretty much what my therapist suggested. take a step back and think it through before you act or speak. thanks and best to you and yours.

Hi angel54, . it is hard to do sometimes But if you pratice it will become part of the way you react to things around you. remember people are always expecting a reaction out of an action. Dont give them one.... i am the same way when it comes to helping But There are some people that think you owe them that. Some people wore raised up thinking the world owes them somthing, WRONG!!! I have learned if I help you once and you take me for granted I wont be back for seconds.. They are people who prey on others kindness. You have to take care of your needs first because other people wont. I think we are all selfish in our own way that is human But, some are just plan out demanding and over barring with theres. I think not puting your self in to something you dont wont to do for someone, falls into what I said about not saying nothing. as a child I always was the one who listen , who did, who felt I had to have the answer, But I have come to relize I dont have the answer and I am a little person and I cant save the world, But I can save myself.... So stand up for your self and be happy with yourself, And if you feel it, or think it, than it is important, Because you are important. GOD DONT MAKE NO JUNK!!!!

we have so much in common. it is the one thing i am trying my best to learn. NOT TO REACT. therapist tells me inspite of being an intelligent woman i have a vulnerability that people pick up on. that's why i am chosen alot as the one whose buttons the users wish to push. needless to say i react very quickly and then regret it. i am going to practice your motto and relive the words in my mind until it becomes like my right hand.i always told my kids "don't let anyone ever tell you that you shouldn't feel a certain way, they're your feelings and you are entitled to them whether or not anyone else agrees with them . your feelings are valid"

angle . You are right own the money, You are going to be just fine. Thats a great thing to teach your child ... You go Girl........................ Felicia

thanks honey

(My problem: contol). I feel just as you said thghsreal, this is a privilege for him to even step into our home...to sleep & eat here is a honor for him. I have a question...Do you think I should take down all the "STUFF" in his bedroom of the , "GOOD OLE' DAYS"? High school awards, trophies, the stuff that looks like , "What a great kid I am?" Because he seems to live in this idea...that he is the ALL-American good kid..."Everyone would want me for their son attitude." (Yeah! right everyone loves a nightmare!") It really isn't his bedroom anymore...Maybe I shoud ask him to pack this stuff up?
I've read over both of your threads...I have so many of the exact feelings that you have gone through & are going through. I know we need to take care of these boys for the Now..but I am so concerned for the future. Do you feel that there is something inside them that is being covered up by the drug use & other behaviors they exhibit?

Thanks for listening,
Sad mom

The question about cleaning the room is a good one. We actually asked some councellors about that very question. In our case, our son's room was a messy disaster. He was arrested and his room remained as it was the day he was arrested. It was difficult to enter his room - too emotional, too dark.

Anyway, the councellors recommended leaving the room just as it is/was, so that is what we did.

Our son has been home for a couple of weeks now after spending several months in jail. When I get a moment, I will write about that experience and his status.

Concerning your son's strange viewpoints and "cover-ups", I can tell you that our son has huge memory lapses. He does not even remember weekend vacations we went on together when he was using (oxy addict). The number of things blanked out of his memory are sad and frightening. Some of the things are minor and some are major. For example, he says and believes that he only injected Oxy twice (after years of snorting Oxy), but he can't explain the multitude of used syringes that were found in his room. At this point, he has no reason to lie, so I believe he really does not remember.

Addiction is so destructive. I think he is now starting to see some of the damage. I can see it in his face when people talk about things he did and he just can't remember. It is like watching the face of a person with early signs of Altheimer's disease.

thgtsreal, I didn't realize your son has been home. I am really looking forward to hearing how he, and all of you, are doing. Hope things are going well and that he really learned from his experience.

Felicia, as far as learning to say nothing and thinking before you react, I really have to work on that one. It know it is very important for me to learn. I over react and may be accusing my son of things he's not even doing right now because if he's not doing it my way I have such a problem not keeping my mouth shut.

KFld-- you sound like me. i am still learning how not to react to everything that is said and done to me. it is so hard. i am one of these people that gives too much information.

Angel, I think my biggest problem is that I take everything he does personally. I can't imagine why he wantS to continue hurting me and doing these things and not be willing to do it my way if he sees how much it bothers me. I just have to remember something

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME :nono:

;)

KFld-- you are right. it is so difficult to remember they don't do it to hurt us. it has nothing to do with us or love or anything other than their addiction. saw my therapist today and she asked me who he is hurting more. most definitely himself. he is killing himself. yes it hurts me and i might have to make a decsion someday i don't want to make but i stand a great chance of survival and living my life the way i want. until he gets clean he has no chance.

KFld Love that lol You are right it is not about you, But it has took a inpack on your life, and mine too. If we just didnt love them we would not care, and it would be alot easier. Everyone of us do things in diffirent ways, But I guess as long as we get the job done in the end thats all that matters. God made us that way... I too wish my son did things more like me, But he doesnt. WHY! because each of us is made diffirent , I talk alot to my son about other people and why they act that way, sometimes when we are going down the road in the car and see a bum on the streets I say to him wonder what happen in his life that made him like that? The mind is a funny thing, But when we put a thought in to someones mind over someone else, People seem to relate things back to themself. What I really said to him is that could be you in a few years, BE Careful, His remark to me was maybe hes on drugs mom. So that told me that he related that with drugs and I am sure in his mind he thought I never wont to be that way.... Funny thing happen this morning.... He was getting ready for work and i was having my coffee, I said I have to stop smoking .. He looked at me and said Mom if I can stop pot and drinking you can stop smoking.. You know he has a point. here i am addicted to cigg.. and telling him to change So I am going to get the patches set a date and fight the fight.if he can so can I. It is time to make a change what better way to show him than me giving my addiction to cigg up. For my health. I wont to live a long life too. Felicia

Good for you Felicia
I actually quit smoking when my son was a year old, so that I could be around to watch him live a happy productive life. How ironic, huh??? My quitting smoking is what I have compared to him as far as his getting clean. I told him quitting smoking was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. If I had one cigarette today, I would be smoking a pack by tomorrow. What keeps me from having that one???? I don't ever want to go through the pain of the withdrawals and quitting again!!!!! Therefore, he can't tell me I have no idea what he's going through. I have been told by people that cigarettes are actually the hardest addiction to quit.

I haven't had a cigarette in 17 years last month. You can do it Felicia. Give it a try :D

Thanks KFld I am I have been thinking about this, and I know I have too, I got to get me a game plan and do it. Felicia

speaking of the cigs being the worst. i have quit 3 times. have to again for health reasons. anxiety is soooooooooo bad right now i can't even think about it.have the lozenges in the house and look at them everyday. always said if a dr. ever told me i had to quit i would do it. i've had 3 dr.s tell me i have to quit and i light up every morning.everytime i quit someone dies or there is some other stressful happening in my life. and that is a big excuse too. there is never going to be the right ime if i keep making excuses. let me know how you make out. and good luck.

Angel, I think my biggest problem is that I take everything he does personally. I can't imagine why he wantS to continue hurting me and doing these things and not be willing to do it my way if he sees how much it bothers me. I just have to remember something

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME :nono:

;)

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!! Okay I agree But let me ask you something how do you stop caring... I gave brith to him I looked into thoses little eyes and held that little hand for the first time, From that moment on He won my heart, I showed him how to eat, how to walk, how to go to the bath room, all though the years I watch him grow, I always fixed what was broken, I played ball with him, I charted his growth on the side of his wall. When he was sick I walked the floor with him, I help with homework, All thou life I was there. Untill his father took him from me. BUT I never stoped loving him. YOU ARE RIGHT IT NEVER WAS ABOUT ME.... ALWAYS ABOUT HIM.... and it still is.... You know I am 40 years old and my parents still give me advice, But I think I was about 25 before I heard a word they said.... Once a parent always a parent. I think of it like this A mother bird pushes her baby bird out of the nest too fly. That would have to be hard for a mother to do, BUT the baby flys, if she did not push the bird would it just sit still? I think my son would uhhhhhhh! I had to push him to get a job, But now he loves it the money that is.... Everything we do we do for them. IT ISN'T ABOUT US........ WE HELP thats all we can do the path they take IS NOT ABOUT US!!! BUt It IS this hard to watch them fall, AND YES I know they have to fall in order to walk...