My friend and her fiancee have been together for 5 years. They are both friends of myself and my partner, they are a fantastic couple, but he has a major problem. When they have arguments he cannot help but lash out in some sort of physically abusive way. She has had things thrown at her, causing swelling and bruising, been pushed over, resulting in stitches to the head, been spat on 5 times in a row, smacked in the head with a phone, etc, etc. He always orders her to leave their home as well, but of course less than a few hours later is all apologetic and stuff, hence they go back and start the circle again.
For anyone who has been the abuser and actually got over it, what help did you seek? He has finally agreed to seeing a counsellor of some kind, just need a direction in which way to go.

I would find out why he is doing these things, he may have some really troubling issues to work out. As a Man i know that we sometimes have trouble expressing problems and are not exspected to need to talk by society. Your friend can judge if these issues are understandable and support him while he works things out. I'm not saying it's understable to be abusive but if he has acknowledge the issue and agreed to work on it he may be salvagable, This is risky but she can judge if he is worth the effort.

My friend and her fiancee have been together for 5 years. They are both friends of myself and my partner, they are a fantastic couple, but he has a major problem. When they have arguments he cannot help but lash out in some sort of physically abusive way. She has had things thrown at her, causing swelling and bruising, been pushed over, resulting in stitches to the head, been spat on 5 times in a row, smacked in the head with a phone, etc, etc. He always orders her to leave their home as well, but of course less than a few hours later is all apologetic and stuff, hence they go back and start the circle again.
For anyone who has been the abuser and actually got over it, what help did you seek? He has finally agreed to seeing a counsellor of some kind, just need a direction in which way to go.

My advice to your friend would be to leave this guy. Good intentions or no, he's hurting her, and could seriously injure her if she stays.

That being said, I have never abused a partner, but I have abused a few walls, car doors, and performed occasional aerodynamic testing on breakable inanimate objects. The only thing that has helped me to tone this tantrumy behavior down was to stop being hard on myself (reacting to the problem) and start looking at what triggers the anger and how that relates to me (being proactive). The latter is harder, because you have to willingly enter the realm of The Beast (your rage), and most of us anger mongers hate our anger even more than the rest of the world does. It's frightening, reminds us of how much we can't stand ourselves like that, etc.

My anger issues stem from basic respect issues. I have a real problem with people treating me like they own me (being bullies to me, manipulating me, telling me they know what I'm REALLY thinking/doing, etc.) so when something sets me off, I try very hard to find the connection with those feelings. Most times, the slights are imagined, but sometimes they are real. Being proactive helps me to distinguish between them, and choose a calm, calculated response.

Doesn't always work, but it's the best approach I've found so far. Hope this helps.

:jester:

The Rev

Sorry, no abuser makes a fantastic anything. This friend needs to remove herself, after 5 yrs, from this situation. If she's afraid of what he'd do to her, there are women shelters that would help. She also needs to find out why she lets people abuse her. Her self-esteem must be pretty low. If you consider yourself a friend, I would definitely help her.

Siiiighhhh. This is always such a tough situation. If you try to talk to her, be careful. Women in domestic violence situations (and that includes her) are so difficult to help sometimes. If you call him a bum, she's likely to stick up for him. If you get angry with her, she'll feel abused by you. A lot of battered women stay with their mates because they love them, they're broke, they have children to care for, or are just terrified to leave. Some of them leave, and then go right back to him. Sometimes they' leave for good, and get tracked down and murdered by their exes. Approach her gently, offer her a place to stay if she needs it, encourage her to get help, but don't expect miracles. You're in a situation where you can't do one @#$# thing for her, unless she's willing to testify in court. Good luck.

P.S. I reread your post - you're asking what abusers think, not me. I took a training course in domestic violence advocacy. I asked the same question. I asked, "If you stand up to a bully and yell back at him and hold your ground, will that cool him off?" The answer was no. Sometimes the answer is: they abuse because they CAN. Because they're bigger. And because they enjoy it while they're doing it. It's a release of tension. My advice to her would be to stop trying to analyze and help him, and help herself by getting out of there and saving her life. But as I said above, that's not so easy.

Hi all!
Thanks for your replies, here is an update: He is getting counselling, but not in an office, down on the beach where he feels more comfortable. He has steps to go through when he feels angry and has put them into practice whilst fishing, you have to start somewhere. There is more than meets the eye of course and he is even having hypnotherepy to go back to times in his youth which may well play a part in all of this. She is still living seperately, but supporting as much as poss. Fingers crossed.

tell your friend to do some research on borderline personality disorder