D & K's Mom
08-19-2005, 12:44 PM
HI My son has me feeling really guilty this morning. As he is going on a new med, (Focalin). Which, frankly, doesn't seem to be doing much for him at this point. He is absolutely out of control! Now, my question is, knowing that he is having a hard time right now, do the house rules change for him? I have been a bit more understanding, but certian things, i just can't tolerate. Yesterday, I told Devin about 10 times to stop throwing in the house. He just kept doing it. I placed him in several time outs, and as soon as he was out, he was pitching things around my living room again. Knocking over plants, throwing pillows, hitting Kyle with the remote that he sent hurling across the room. ( I think you get the idea) I finally placed him in a corner, away from everything, and insisted that he write "I will not throw in the house" ten times. ( not an unususal punishment aroiund here) He did it with no problems. Until the next time, when I made him write it 15 times. Then on the third occasion, when I made him do it twenty times. The last time, he sat there throwing a fit, then finally after about an hour and a half, he decided to start on it. by the time he was done it was bedtime. You can imagine how that went over. Well, this morning, he is doing it again. He threw Kyle's stuffed cat in his face. I gave him a warning. "Because Kyle was screaming that you give him the toy NOW, I will let this one go, but next time, you will be in the corner writing sentences." Not 5 minutes later, he again knocked over my plant by throwing a pillow at it. Plant dirt all over!!!!!! So, as promised, I put him in the corner to write his sentences. He has been there over an hour and hasn't even started, but this time, he's not crying or throwing a fit, he's making a joke of the whole thing. He's doodeling on the paper, he's slamming the desk into the wall, he's calling the dog and cats to come and see him, he's broken the pencil three times already, and broke the tip off one ink pen getting ink all over himself. Currently he has locked himself into the bathroom claiming that he really has to go. But he's been in there for over twenty minutes. So, am I being unrealistic thinking that he can do this right now? I mean he did way more writing yesterday..........or.........is he doing this to drive me nuts? I am a firm believer that he does need a bit more understanding right now, but at the same time, I can't let him do whatever he wants, just because of his med change. I guess I just want a little bit of advice, am I doing it wrong? I just had to get up and escort him back to his corner, because he sneaked out of the bathroom and decided to go watch TV. He's laughing about it. He just told me that he will write the sentences, but he is "omitting the word not" so that the sentences say "I will throw in the house". So now what? I told him that he can write all the sentences he wants that way but he will not be leaveing the desk until I get 10 that are written correctly. This is a big joke to him. So, what do I do? I can't keep letting him trash my home. I even went as far as to tell him if he needs to throw to do it outside or in the basement. At which point he threw the remote in the pool. HELP!!!!! I am going crazy with this kid!!!!!!! I don't believe in spanking, and every one that I know tells me that if I just spanked him once, he wouldn't continue in this way. I don't see that as an option. I give him time outs, and I take away privelidges, make him write sentences. But it's not working. I just don't know what to do!!
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D & K's Mom
08-19-2005, 01:15 PM
Okay, so, now he just gave me a paper that has "I am sorry that I am not your favorite child" written ten times on it. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I told him that I do not have a favorite child, that I love both he and his brother equally. But, he still needs to write the approiate sentences before he can come out. I am so upset, I feel like a total ***. Is he just playing me? Or does he really think that I love his brother more? HELP!!!!
jeffreys mom
08-19-2005, 01:30 PM
It sounds to me like he's feeding for negative attention. It will continue if you continue to give attention to the undesired behavior. I'm not living it so it's easy for me to say, but ignore it. Take the item he is misusing away from him without saying a word. Have nothing to say until he does something positive then reinforce the good behavior with something positive to say. It takes time, but once the child realizes they are not getting reinforced for the negative behavior it lessens and lessens until it finally stops. Give it time and prepare your self to have to ignore alot of screaming but it's a strategy that does work. If after he screams when you've taken the item away, when he stops screaming say " good job for having a quiet voice" Now if you would like to play with your ball lets go outside then give him the ball once he is outside.
I'm no expert but this type of strategy works with all kids. I hope it helps.
I'm no expert but this type of strategy works with all kids. I hope it helps.
AggieMom
08-19-2005, 04:33 PM
I didn't see what age your son is, but in this case I don't think spanking is the answer. Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally against spanking, but you know how they say that kids learn to hit from being spanked- well with my 7yr old we are having to really rethink any kind of physical punishment because he's never shown any aggressive tendencies in the past, but struck out at my husband when he tried to "swat" him on the behind. Before that he started "spanking" himself and laughing when he was in trouble. So I don't think that's going to work for him. Don't let anyone tell you that you should spank your child. That is your decision.
SherriEleanor
08-19-2005, 10:58 PM
My daughter had a problem with screaming, so I would turn my back on her and as soon as there was a one second gap in the screaming, I would turn around and say "good calm" or something like that. If she started screaming again, I'd put my back to her again. It worked really well.
It will be hard, but I suggest that as soon as he gets up, start complimenting him on his behavior - thanks for getting out of bed, you're eating breakfast like a big boy, etc. If he does something negative, completely ignore it. The behavior may get worse for a little while, but as soon as he figures out that he won't get attention for throwing, he'll stop.
And put away anything you don't want broken before you start doing this.
It will be hard, but I suggest that as soon as he gets up, start complimenting him on his behavior - thanks for getting out of bed, you're eating breakfast like a big boy, etc. If he does something negative, completely ignore it. The behavior may get worse for a little while, but as soon as he figures out that he won't get attention for throwing, he'll stop.
And put away anything you don't want broken before you start doing this.
Jana2676
08-20-2005, 04:50 AM
((((HUGS)))) I hope it gets better!
raskul
08-20-2005, 10:23 AM
Hi I was just reading your message and was wondering if you had ever tried social stories. I work with children and I find these help alot. It can be very hard and exhusting sometimes but hang in there.
claste
08-20-2005, 11:49 AM
great tip SherriEleanor, my daughter screams alot shes 4 and i've been trying to figure out a way of making her stop, i will be putting it in to practice immediatly!
Curious Nana
08-20-2005, 12:58 PM
I haven't been back to the boards for awhile, and was quite taken with this strand. As a teacher of nearly 30 years, a mother of a challenging child, and the grandmother to an autistic 4 year old sweetie, I strongly support the advice you have been given to look for the positive and ignore the negative as best as you can. I also understand the question about whether the meds change has disabled him from seeing things as he usually might. As a teacher, I become aware oftentimes, that there are students that CAN'T do something as simple as sitting still for a short period of time. I try to address the situation, as best as I can, based on whether it is a case of CAN'T or WON'T. Just as you would not discipline a blind child for not seeing something, my consequences for a CAN'T child or different than they are for a WON'T child. As easy as it would be to be able to dole out the same consequences for the same situation every time, regardless of the child involved, (because you might have others talking about how it is the only"fair"thing to do), it truly is NOT FAIR to expect kids to do things they are not able to do. Also, with the spanking issue, I support the comments about violence begetting violence. I DO NOT believe that hitting children is the best way to bring about lasting change. (at least not the one you are looking for!) I have seen far too many times when it results in the child getting the message that hitting is okay for them to do as well. I found that when I was tempted to give my own children a swat, it was more out of my feelings of frustration and helplessness, and not a good way to bring about lasting change in the situation. There have been some studies that show that girls who were spanked by fathers who told them that they were doing this because they loved them, are far more likely to become involved in abusive marriages. I sure don't want to be planting any seeds in my children that violence is okay on any level.
I'll stand down off of my soapbox. Sorry I go carried away there....
I'll stand down off of my soapbox. Sorry I go carried away there....
Curious Nana
08-20-2005, 01:13 PM
One last thing....as a classroom teacher for a LONG time, I can also applaud your desire to reach out and ask for the advice of others who might have found something that works for them. That is what drew me to this board in the first place...seeking answers to help my grandson. I have found, over the years of my teaching, that my bag of possible solutions to a given situation has grown very, very large! Why? Because if I try something with a child that has successfully worked with another student, but does NOT work for this one, I go back into the bag to search for something else that might. I find that if I keep trying the same thing over and over and it doesn't work, I am wasting precious time with that child, time in which we could be engaged in positive interaction instead of a frustrating dance of negativity. I can remember thinking with my daughter, that this parenting thing was a breeze. She rarely tested us, and was a happy child. My bag of solutions was very small, because the same consequences worked for her. When my son was born, my real parenting education program started. The same thing rarely worked twice, and I was drawn to read and try, talk with others and try, cry and try, filling that solution bag with one possible solution after the next.
He has grown up to be a fine young man....who is bipolar, and who is raising an autistic son. He, too, is creating his own bag of solutions.
He has grown up to be a fine young man....who is bipolar, and who is raising an autistic son. He, too, is creating his own bag of solutions.
sherilg
08-22-2005, 12:44 AM
Hi, I read that your son was starting a new medication. You might want to check with your doctor, but sometimes medications can have the opposite effect that you want them to have. So check with your doctor. Certain meds just aren't for certain people. Hope everything goes well!
sherilg
08-22-2005, 12:44 AM
Hi, I read that your son was starting a new medication. You might want to check with your doctor, but sometimes medications can have the opposite effect that you want them to have. So check with your doctor. Certain meds just aren't for certain people. Hope everything goes well!
D & K's Mom
08-25-2005, 01:16 PM
I just wanted to thank every one for your comments and suggestions. This has really been hard for me to deal with. We went back to the doc. yesterday, because the Focalin is just not doing it for him. We decided that he just does not react well to stimulants of any kind. Yes they help him to concentrate, and to slow down a bit, but the anger and rage that they cause him is just not worth it. So, she started him on a bloodpressure medication. It has only been a day, but I'm not liking what I'm seeing. He IS much calmer, and MUCH happier, but, he is so tired he can't see straight. And being over tired is making him overly emotional. It's hard to explain, it's like he's fine for long periods of time, being helpful, using manners without being prompted, not allowing his little brother to make him mad. He actually told me that he "feels drowsy, but it's in a good way because it slows me down and gives me time to think before doing the wrong thing." I was so excited over that statement that I called my husband at work to tell him that I think we're all going to be okay now. But suddenly, unprevoked, out of nowhere, he just lost it and started crying, and cries like I have never heard him cry before. During the time he was crying, he wouldn't allow me to touch him to comsole him. I actually got punched in the face when I tried. ( this is no small kid, he's 8 1/2 and weighs 110 lbs, he really hurt me) But it was odd, like as soon as he realized what he had done, he fell apart even worse, apologising, and sobbing about how sorry he is, ans how terrible he thinks he is for doing that to me. My poor baby, when are we going to find something that will really help him? I am currently really freaked out because he starts back to school on monday. Today is the open house, and I'm dreading it. He really wants to go, but I am so scared that he is going to loose it over something,( or nothing as it seems ) and give everyone there the wrong impression of him. I don't want to not go, It's Kyle's open house too, and he doesn't want to miss it. Devin is so volitle that I'm afraid to leave him with a sitter ( the story of my life, we finally get a reliable sitter, and she refuses to ever come back again after being around him a few times) So, I guess I have yet another rough decision to make. The doc warned me that he will be sleepy for the first week, but it should pass. She also told me that she could write a note to the school stating that Devin needs to start school a bit later. But we decided that would really send a bad message.....If I am so out of control, I don't have to go to school. AHHHHHHH pulling my hair out! SO, do I go and warn the new teacher, and give her preconcieved notions that this child is going to be hell, and basically tatoo the word scapegoat on his forehead? OR do I just go and see what happens? I am impressed with how Devin was able to verbalize that he thinks that the new med is good, and the doc did say that the being overly tired should just be temporary. So, if the over tired goes away, and he is still feeling "slowed down" maybe this is the answer that we are looking for, and it might not be an issue for long. I'm sorry, I guess I'm sort of thinking out loud in a way.... spinning my wheels and trying to decide what to do the open house is in a few hours, so I need to make up my mind quick! Just rambeling....sorry but thanks for listening.
talksquietly
09-06-2005, 07:02 PM
Was just reading about your doctor putting your son on a bloodpressure medicine. My son is 11 and was placed on bloodpressure medicine also. All it did was make him sleepy. He would literally fall asleep for hours then he would wake up really unhappy. He was fussy cried alot, threw himself down on the floor and tried scratching his sister. I finally had to take him off of it. Don't feel so bad you are doing the best you know to do. We are all learning meaning the children and the parents. This disease is a guessing game, hit and miss. Just don't give up and know that they really do love us as parents. They are just as frustrated as we are and we all need patience and understanding.