Hedgehog No 1
08-21-2005, 08:06 AM
NOTE TO MODERATOR ~ please move if posted on the incorrect board.
I am currently undergoing some VERY extensive psychotherapy.
This is due to my long running mental health problems.
These are due to a considerable amount of physical, mental, emotional and financial problems which have accumulated over the last forty years.
ONE question keeps coming back ~ Was I abused as a child?
It would explain a VERY large part of my current presentation of my problems.
My current dilema is if I should consider some form of regression?
Although my decision to continue with my therapy has been a joint decision between My Psychotherapist ~ My Psychiatrist ~ My Wife AND myself, I am undecided as to taking this potentially fatal decision.
I am already having recuring suicidal feelings due to my reaction to the therapy. (nothing by way of action ~ only thoughts and feelings).
My therapy has opened a 'pandora's box' of emotions ~ mostly anger.
My MAJOR concern has always been for that of my Wife and our kids.
Advice, comments, suggestions welcome on the following,
IF you were abused (at least physically, possibly sexually)
How do you/did you find out?
How did you deal with it?
How has it changed you?
How has it changed your relationships?
Have you considered any form of regression?
How did it effect you?
Thanks ~ Hedge.
I am currently undergoing some VERY extensive psychotherapy.
This is due to my long running mental health problems.
These are due to a considerable amount of physical, mental, emotional and financial problems which have accumulated over the last forty years.
ONE question keeps coming back ~ Was I abused as a child?
It would explain a VERY large part of my current presentation of my problems.
My current dilema is if I should consider some form of regression?
Although my decision to continue with my therapy has been a joint decision between My Psychotherapist ~ My Psychiatrist ~ My Wife AND myself, I am undecided as to taking this potentially fatal decision.
I am already having recuring suicidal feelings due to my reaction to the therapy. (nothing by way of action ~ only thoughts and feelings).
My therapy has opened a 'pandora's box' of emotions ~ mostly anger.
My MAJOR concern has always been for that of my Wife and our kids.
Advice, comments, suggestions welcome on the following,
IF you were abused (at least physically, possibly sexually)
How do you/did you find out?
How did you deal with it?
How has it changed you?
How has it changed your relationships?
Have you considered any form of regression?
How did it effect you?
Thanks ~ Hedge.
Sponsor
Ruth6:11
08-21-2005, 12:42 PM
I was abused emotionally, mentally & sexually for three years..
I was 19 when it started and as naive as a 7 yr old.
I dealt very poorly with it to be honest. I was in denial, I was an enabler, I pushed it to the back of my mind.
It has changed me - forever. I am frigid, I cannot stand the smell of alcohol on anyone's breath & avoid places like bars & bonfires. I have a phobia about being "cornered" even if accidentally.
It has changed all my relationships. I am too passive. Men got upset because they can't "please" me. My marriage works because good ol' Mr. Ruth also has a low libido (Thank God for matches made in heaven!)
I was old enough that I can remember it if I push it up in my memory. I am sure that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to some degree. If I even suspected that I had been abused in my childhood I would probably strongly consider the regression. The suicidal thoughts would be there BECAUSE the memories were submerged - just not deep enough anymore. If the memories are brought out it would be rough for awhile until it's all sorted out -
but at least you would KNOW what you are - or are not - dealing with.
I know this really didn't address the concept of buried memories that you are asking about. But abuse is so much more common than you know because people don't talk about it. Thought you'd like to know there's someone else standing shoulder to shoulder with you on this one.
:angel:
Ruth :cool:
I was 19 when it started and as naive as a 7 yr old.
I dealt very poorly with it to be honest. I was in denial, I was an enabler, I pushed it to the back of my mind.
It has changed me - forever. I am frigid, I cannot stand the smell of alcohol on anyone's breath & avoid places like bars & bonfires. I have a phobia about being "cornered" even if accidentally.
It has changed all my relationships. I am too passive. Men got upset because they can't "please" me. My marriage works because good ol' Mr. Ruth also has a low libido (Thank God for matches made in heaven!)
I was old enough that I can remember it if I push it up in my memory. I am sure that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to some degree. If I even suspected that I had been abused in my childhood I would probably strongly consider the regression. The suicidal thoughts would be there BECAUSE the memories were submerged - just not deep enough anymore. If the memories are brought out it would be rough for awhile until it's all sorted out -
but at least you would KNOW what you are - or are not - dealing with.
I know this really didn't address the concept of buried memories that you are asking about. But abuse is so much more common than you know because people don't talk about it. Thought you'd like to know there's someone else standing shoulder to shoulder with you on this one.
:angel:
Ruth :cool:
Hedgehog No 1
08-21-2005, 03:02 PM
If the memories are brought out it would be rough for awhile until it's all sorted out - but at least you would KNOW what you are - or are not - dealing with.
:angel:
Ruth :cool:
That's EXACTLY where I (or collectively, we the family) are at.
Oh, believe me, it IS rough, i'm currently, (barely) existing in my own personal living nightmare.
I know perseverence is the right thing to do in the long term.
But it's finding the strength to keep going from one visit to the next.
If I'm honest, which I am, I'm not even close to coping with the therapy. Especially now.
What would life be like if I discover my past is even worse...???
Thanks for being here Ruth.
Hedge ~ (42 and a mess)
:angel:
Ruth :cool:
That's EXACTLY where I (or collectively, we the family) are at.
Oh, believe me, it IS rough, i'm currently, (barely) existing in my own personal living nightmare.
I know perseverence is the right thing to do in the long term.
But it's finding the strength to keep going from one visit to the next.
If I'm honest, which I am, I'm not even close to coping with the therapy. Especially now.
What would life be like if I discover my past is even worse...???
Thanks for being here Ruth.
Hedge ~ (42 and a mess)
Bin_man
08-21-2005, 09:10 PM
I'd say continue with the therapy, but if you're not sure that you've been abused drop the idea - the memories will come back on their own if they're there.
Anger, and a whole host of other emotions, are totally natural to be experienced during and because of intensive therapy, irrepspective of whether or not you've been abused. Very often people have feelings that they'v unconsciously repressed themselves, and which seem frightening when they return. Others feel angry at themselves for their illnesses. Don't worry about it.
I'm no expert, but I don't think you should be frightnened of the therapy.
Anger, and a whole host of other emotions, are totally natural to be experienced during and because of intensive therapy, irrepspective of whether or not you've been abused. Very often people have feelings that they'v unconsciously repressed themselves, and which seem frightening when they return. Others feel angry at themselves for their illnesses. Don't worry about it.
I'm no expert, but I don't think you should be frightnened of the therapy.
Ruth6:11
08-22-2005, 07:40 PM
Don't thank me for being here Hedge.
The truth is that sometimes I have nowhere else to go. This place not only helps me with my problems but it helps me feel better if I may even remotely help someone.
Please re-think fearing discovering that your past is worse.
The past is who we are. If you are not happy now (and it sure sounds like life has become pretty unbearable) the odds are good that the only thing that revising your past can do it make it better today. At least more understandable.
It's hell to know that something is wrong and NOT know what the hell it is.
I had that until I was 30. Finally found out I had Bipolar Disorder. No one was more thrilled to have a Mental Illness than me!!!
Hang in there - I'm here (my other home) if you decide to do the regression and if you choose not to. I do understand that it sounds scary. But it might actually be like putting the jigsaw puzzle pieces in and having them FIT for a change.
Ruth
:angel:
The truth is that sometimes I have nowhere else to go. This place not only helps me with my problems but it helps me feel better if I may even remotely help someone.
Please re-think fearing discovering that your past is worse.
The past is who we are. If you are not happy now (and it sure sounds like life has become pretty unbearable) the odds are good that the only thing that revising your past can do it make it better today. At least more understandable.
It's hell to know that something is wrong and NOT know what the hell it is.
I had that until I was 30. Finally found out I had Bipolar Disorder. No one was more thrilled to have a Mental Illness than me!!!
Hang in there - I'm here (my other home) if you decide to do the regression and if you choose not to. I do understand that it sounds scary. But it might actually be like putting the jigsaw puzzle pieces in and having them FIT for a change.
Ruth
:angel:
Hedgehog No 1
08-23-2005, 11:09 AM
I'd say continue with the therapy,
but if you're not sure that you've been abused drop the idea
- the memories will come back on their own if they're there.
Anger, and a whole host of other emotions, are totally natural to be experienced during and because of intensive therapy.
Don't worry about it.
I'm no expert, but I don't think you should be frightnened of the therapy.
Thanks for replying, I appreciate it.
I will continue with the therapy.
I always resisted the temptation to jump straight to the
"I was abused as a child" situation to provide an answer for my problems.
(even though it does provide an answer that fits...!!!)
The most I have ever done is accept it as a 'possability'.
I do agree with what you said about letting the memories come back ~ on their own.
The occasions when people have been 'persuaded'
(whilst under hypnotherapy)
that certain 'incidents' occured is way too many. (in my opinion).
My concern regarding the release of my anger is due to my former profession.
I am ex-forces.
When I got angry ~ it got messy...
Worried it might happen again...(despite reassurances from Health Team...!!!)
By the way, you ARE an expert.
In YOUR experiences.
Many thanks.
Hedge ~ :cool:
but if you're not sure that you've been abused drop the idea
- the memories will come back on their own if they're there.
Anger, and a whole host of other emotions, are totally natural to be experienced during and because of intensive therapy.
Don't worry about it.
I'm no expert, but I don't think you should be frightnened of the therapy.
Thanks for replying, I appreciate it.
I will continue with the therapy.
I always resisted the temptation to jump straight to the
"I was abused as a child" situation to provide an answer for my problems.
(even though it does provide an answer that fits...!!!)
The most I have ever done is accept it as a 'possability'.
I do agree with what you said about letting the memories come back ~ on their own.
The occasions when people have been 'persuaded'
(whilst under hypnotherapy)
that certain 'incidents' occured is way too many. (in my opinion).
My concern regarding the release of my anger is due to my former profession.
I am ex-forces.
When I got angry ~ it got messy...
Worried it might happen again...(despite reassurances from Health Team...!!!)
By the way, you ARE an expert.
In YOUR experiences.
Many thanks.
Hedge ~ :cool:
Hedgehog No 1
08-23-2005, 12:51 PM
The truth is that sometimes I have nowhere else to go.
This place not only helps me with my problems but it helps me feel better if I may even remotely help someone.
Please re-think fearing discovering that your past is worse.
It's hell to know that something is wrong and NOT know what the hell it is.
Hang in there - I'm here.
I do understand that it sounds scary.
But it might actually be like putting the jigsaw puzzle pieces in and having them FIT for a change.
Ruth
:angel:
I'm VERY grateful you come here.
Your help may be 'remote', but is a LOT more than you can imagine.
I admit I am worried that whatever is in my past is WORSE than anything I've experienced, so far.
I think I've ALWAYS known that there was SOMETHING wrong, just never knew what it was.
I know YOU will be here for me, you always are (even if it takes a while to get hold of you).
The jigsaw puzzle idea is 'spot on' ~ time to make them fit.
Hedge ~ :cool:
This place not only helps me with my problems but it helps me feel better if I may even remotely help someone.
Please re-think fearing discovering that your past is worse.
It's hell to know that something is wrong and NOT know what the hell it is.
Hang in there - I'm here.
I do understand that it sounds scary.
But it might actually be like putting the jigsaw puzzle pieces in and having them FIT for a change.
Ruth
:angel:
I'm VERY grateful you come here.
Your help may be 'remote', but is a LOT more than you can imagine.
I admit I am worried that whatever is in my past is WORSE than anything I've experienced, so far.
I think I've ALWAYS known that there was SOMETHING wrong, just never knew what it was.
I know YOU will be here for me, you always are (even if it takes a while to get hold of you).
The jigsaw puzzle idea is 'spot on' ~ time to make them fit.
Hedge ~ :cool:
Hedgehog No 1
08-23-2005, 01:43 PM
UPDATE
I've had my weekly appointment with my Psychotherapist earlier today.
We discussed in some detail, my thoughts concerning 'hypnotherapy'
in an attempt to move forward my 'psychotherapy'.
The result is I will pause my current treatment from today.
I start hypnotherapy next week with a therapist who has worked with MY therapist before.
She expects two or three sessions should be sufficient.
Then I return to my regular therapist to continue my treatment.
I actually feel positive.
I feel like I am finally going to get some answers.
I definately feel like it's the right thing to do.
Thanks for the support ~ hedge ~ :cool: (back smiling again...!!!)
I've had my weekly appointment with my Psychotherapist earlier today.
We discussed in some detail, my thoughts concerning 'hypnotherapy'
in an attempt to move forward my 'psychotherapy'.
The result is I will pause my current treatment from today.
I start hypnotherapy next week with a therapist who has worked with MY therapist before.
She expects two or three sessions should be sufficient.
Then I return to my regular therapist to continue my treatment.
I actually feel positive.
I feel like I am finally going to get some answers.
I definately feel like it's the right thing to do.
Thanks for the support ~ hedge ~ :cool: (back smiling again...!!!)
Ruth6:11
08-23-2005, 08:59 PM
That's one small step for a porcupine,
One giant leap for a Hedgehog......
Wonderful! Just knowing may be like the most awesome spring thunderstorm you could ever imagine. Know how it feels after it has passed?
I'm really optimistic for you - it would honestly explain alot of your symptoms over the years even if one can only wish it had never happened if it did.
You made my day (which was long and fraught with upset people) today.
So for that, you must once again ask that wonderful significant other in your life to give you a MamaRuth hug from me!
:angel:
One giant leap for a Hedgehog......
Wonderful! Just knowing may be like the most awesome spring thunderstorm you could ever imagine. Know how it feels after it has passed?
I'm really optimistic for you - it would honestly explain alot of your symptoms over the years even if one can only wish it had never happened if it did.
You made my day (which was long and fraught with upset people) today.
So for that, you must once again ask that wonderful significant other in your life to give you a MamaRuth hug from me!
:angel:
kerry1
08-29-2005, 10:37 AM
There is a form of therapy called GERD** (?) for post-traumatic stress disorder. I've considered it, but have been feeling better lately.
I know something bad happened when I was a kid (around 5?); I just don't remember what. I was a happy kid until that age. I don't know if I was abused, or if the family disease (depression) just kicked in around then, or if I developed some subclinical health problem that nobody understood. The rest of my childhood I remember - screaming, yelling, name-calling, etc.
I don't feel the need to know what happened. Just knowing it happened is enough for ME. Therapy is supposed to make you feel healthy, whole, in control, in charge of your life. I don't believe you necessarily have to remember everything - just find your own way of feeling well. That's just my humble opinion. Good luck to you. :)
**GERD is gastro-esophagal reflux disease - I just saw it on this board. So that's not the name for it. But it's specifically for post-traumatic symptoms and I will try to find out the REAL name. Give me a few days. It's supposed to be very effective - only takes a few months.
I know something bad happened when I was a kid (around 5?); I just don't remember what. I was a happy kid until that age. I don't know if I was abused, or if the family disease (depression) just kicked in around then, or if I developed some subclinical health problem that nobody understood. The rest of my childhood I remember - screaming, yelling, name-calling, etc.
I don't feel the need to know what happened. Just knowing it happened is enough for ME. Therapy is supposed to make you feel healthy, whole, in control, in charge of your life. I don't believe you necessarily have to remember everything - just find your own way of feeling well. That's just my humble opinion. Good luck to you. :)
**GERD is gastro-esophagal reflux disease - I just saw it on this board. So that's not the name for it. But it's specifically for post-traumatic symptoms and I will try to find out the REAL name. Give me a few days. It's supposed to be very effective - only takes a few months.
bbybyrd
08-29-2005, 11:44 PM
I was emotionally and verbally abused as a child. My ex-therapist also thought that I may have been sexually abused. Some of the stuff I told my sister that I won't do/afraid of/doesn't feel right made her ask me if I was every sexually abused. I don't know. I can't remember anything that happened to me like before I was 15 years old. Everything is just blank. I've always been told that the memories will come back but it's been 4 years and nothing. I guess I'll just have to live without knowing what makes me do the things I do.
*music23*
09-03-2005, 07:43 PM
I am currently working a lot with my therapist on something similar. Recently I have started dissociating... like there are people in me that I "become", with names and character traits... it sounds a lot like DID/MPD. It's very scary. I start referring to myself as a "we"/"us" automatically when it gets really bad... it tends to get better and worse. It seems to be at its worst when I feel anxious or guilty.
Verbal abuse is already mostly confirmed, as it was all mostly within the past 4 years (I'm 18 now). My memory of scary things is terrible now. And any time I interact with my dad, I don't remember the details later. Sometimes I don't even remember that I saw him unless someone reminds me. This is all even if the interaction is harmless...
My therapist is being cautious, because we don't want to falsely accuse anybody. I don't either. Personally I don't think there was anything physical/sexual. But I don't know... we're still trying to work things out. Meanwhile, it gets scary sometimes.
Kristina :wave:
Verbal abuse is already mostly confirmed, as it was all mostly within the past 4 years (I'm 18 now). My memory of scary things is terrible now. And any time I interact with my dad, I don't remember the details later. Sometimes I don't even remember that I saw him unless someone reminds me. This is all even if the interaction is harmless...
My therapist is being cautious, because we don't want to falsely accuse anybody. I don't either. Personally I don't think there was anything physical/sexual. But I don't know... we're still trying to work things out. Meanwhile, it gets scary sometimes.
Kristina :wave:
Hedgehog No 1
09-07-2005, 07:40 AM
I am currently working a lot with my therapist on something similar.
Verbal abuse is already mostly confirmed, as it was all mostly within the past 4 years (I'm 18 now).
My memory of scary things is terrible now.
My therapist is being cautious, because we don't want to falsely accuse anybody. I don't either.
Personally I don't think there was anything physical/sexual. But I don't know... we're still trying to work things out. Meanwhile, it gets scary sometimes.
Kristina :wave:
Hey Kristina,
Thanks for the post.
I understand what you are saying.
My strongest suggestion is to keep going with it, but don't rush it.
Keep in touch, Hedge ~ :cool:
Verbal abuse is already mostly confirmed, as it was all mostly within the past 4 years (I'm 18 now).
My memory of scary things is terrible now.
My therapist is being cautious, because we don't want to falsely accuse anybody. I don't either.
Personally I don't think there was anything physical/sexual. But I don't know... we're still trying to work things out. Meanwhile, it gets scary sometimes.
Kristina :wave:
Hey Kristina,
Thanks for the post.
I understand what you are saying.
My strongest suggestion is to keep going with it, but don't rush it.
Keep in touch, Hedge ~ :cool:
Hedgehog No 1
09-07-2005, 08:19 AM
NOTE TO MODERATOR:
If ANY of the information contained infringes on the 'posting rules' please edit.
I have deliberately been as restrictive in the detail as I can be.
UPDATE:
I have participated in two hypno sessions. (so far).
SESSION ONE.
Last Tuesday (30th). It was basically an introduction to my therapist and an introduction to how the hypno would work. It only lasted just over thirty minutes, but both my therapist and I thought it went very well.
It seems I am the type of person who can work well with this therapy.
Two days AFTER this session, I had a remarkable evening.
I spent the ENTIRE night dreaming about my childhood (pre 5 years old).
The images I was seeing was EXACTLY like watching an old fashioned 'slide show' on a projector screen ~ but at a fast forward speed.
I could recognise the images ~ but not enough to see what they were.
(very much like subliminal advertising).
HOWEVER.
I did start to have a recurring image relating to a specific room in the old house where I lived (up to being 4 years old).
It was my parents room.
There was something about the wall above the bed.
There was something happening ON the bed.
I thought I was stood at the side of the bed looking.
That was ALL I could remember.
SESSION TWO.
Yesterday (6th).
After an hour long session, I made some amazing progress.
I was told BEFORE I started my sessions, that I would automatically know what it was that was causing my current problems.
I was told it would be so clear to me that I would quite literally say,
"That's it..."
"That's what is causing all this..."
Yesterday, I discovered mine.
The mental picture I had been seeing all week became considerably clearer.
It WAS in my parents bedroom.
SOMETHING happened ON the bed.
INITIALLY, I thought it was my mother, kneeling forwards and somebody else (not clear if it was my father, or not), having sex.
THEN,
The picture changed to ME being on the bed, kneeling forwards, facing the wall.
(looking directly at something?)
I now remember looking at a small clock. Fixed to the wall.
I also remember looking at it telling the time on three occasions. (4,8 and 12)
BUT,
I don't remember if I was alone or not. NOT YET.
SESSION THREE.
Booked for next Tuesday. 90 minute session.
My therapist thinks with the extra time we might be able to discover what we need to.
NOTE:
I have a HUGE amount of detail to help verify this.
I am deliberately refraining from being detailed.
I do not want to upset or offend ANYBODY.
I am only trying to inform others who might be in a similar situation, (past or present) as to MY experiences with this type of therapy.
After nearly forty years of mental torture, it now appears that I might just find the cause and then be able to start to deal with it so I can move on with my life.
Additionally, I had a drive home from the session (90 mins) on mostly open roads and I felt FANTASTIC...
THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.
Hedge ~ :cool: (still here)
If ANY of the information contained infringes on the 'posting rules' please edit.
I have deliberately been as restrictive in the detail as I can be.
UPDATE:
I have participated in two hypno sessions. (so far).
SESSION ONE.
Last Tuesday (30th). It was basically an introduction to my therapist and an introduction to how the hypno would work. It only lasted just over thirty minutes, but both my therapist and I thought it went very well.
It seems I am the type of person who can work well with this therapy.
Two days AFTER this session, I had a remarkable evening.
I spent the ENTIRE night dreaming about my childhood (pre 5 years old).
The images I was seeing was EXACTLY like watching an old fashioned 'slide show' on a projector screen ~ but at a fast forward speed.
I could recognise the images ~ but not enough to see what they were.
(very much like subliminal advertising).
HOWEVER.
I did start to have a recurring image relating to a specific room in the old house where I lived (up to being 4 years old).
It was my parents room.
There was something about the wall above the bed.
There was something happening ON the bed.
I thought I was stood at the side of the bed looking.
That was ALL I could remember.
SESSION TWO.
Yesterday (6th).
After an hour long session, I made some amazing progress.
I was told BEFORE I started my sessions, that I would automatically know what it was that was causing my current problems.
I was told it would be so clear to me that I would quite literally say,
"That's it..."
"That's what is causing all this..."
Yesterday, I discovered mine.
The mental picture I had been seeing all week became considerably clearer.
It WAS in my parents bedroom.
SOMETHING happened ON the bed.
INITIALLY, I thought it was my mother, kneeling forwards and somebody else (not clear if it was my father, or not), having sex.
THEN,
The picture changed to ME being on the bed, kneeling forwards, facing the wall.
(looking directly at something?)
I now remember looking at a small clock. Fixed to the wall.
I also remember looking at it telling the time on three occasions. (4,8 and 12)
BUT,
I don't remember if I was alone or not. NOT YET.
SESSION THREE.
Booked for next Tuesday. 90 minute session.
My therapist thinks with the extra time we might be able to discover what we need to.
NOTE:
I have a HUGE amount of detail to help verify this.
I am deliberately refraining from being detailed.
I do not want to upset or offend ANYBODY.
I am only trying to inform others who might be in a similar situation, (past or present) as to MY experiences with this type of therapy.
After nearly forty years of mental torture, it now appears that I might just find the cause and then be able to start to deal with it so I can move on with my life.
Additionally, I had a drive home from the session (90 mins) on mostly open roads and I felt FANTASTIC...
THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.
Hedge ~ :cool: (still here)
Ruth6:11
09-07-2005, 08:04 PM
Hedge, I have already stood up and yelled "Yes, Yes, Yes!!" and run around the house twice at breakneck speed.
But I am still elated!!
Too much for words - so now I'm off to jump up and down about a kazillion times.......
:angel:
But I am still elated!!
Too much for words - so now I'm off to jump up and down about a kazillion times.......
:angel:
knotme
09-09-2005, 06:29 AM
hello no.1 :)
wow!! hypno really works!!:) I'm amazed at all the details, at such a young age. Glad it worked out 4ya!!
cheers,
knotty
wow!! hypno really works!!:) I'm amazed at all the details, at such a young age. Glad it worked out 4ya!!
cheers,
knotty
*music23*
09-11-2005, 04:50 PM
Congrats Hedge!!! I know some of this must be terrifying for you, but it sounds like you are well on your way to finding some answers. I'm so happy for you.
Kristina :wave:
Kristina :wave:
Missm68
09-27-2005, 04:38 PM
As a child I was abused emotionally and physically. AS an adult I was abused emotionally, financially and physically. I didn't realize I was abused as a child until I realized my husband was abusing me. I thought it was normal to be hit, yelled at stolen from ect....
I have never done regressions. I have done conscience therapy, looking at the similarities at my childhood and my marriage. It worked for me to realize this is not normal..... so now going forward..... I am a green belt in karate. Ok I know a bit weird but OMG as strong as I feel outwardly I feel inwardly. Looking at what I will put up with and what I won't anymore; who I am who I was and who i am going to be.
I have never done regressions. I have done conscience therapy, looking at the similarities at my childhood and my marriage. It worked for me to realize this is not normal..... so now going forward..... I am a green belt in karate. Ok I know a bit weird but OMG as strong as I feel outwardly I feel inwardly. Looking at what I will put up with and what I won't anymore; who I am who I was and who i am going to be.
BeginAgain
09-30-2005, 09:55 PM
Hi. I've posted on another board here because I have struggled with addiction and recovery. You are welcome to read my other posts for that part of the story. Long story short, I was in recovery for almost 11 years from drug addiction, relapsed and I am now at the two week clean mark. What I am beginning to realize is that I became complacent in my "recovery" and the growth ceased.
I had alot of childhood trauma. Emotional, physical, verbal. I also lost beloved people at a very young age that were very important to me and seemingly were my only link to "real" love and friendship. My highschool best friend died in a car accident when I was 18. My fiance died in a car accident when I was 20, 2 months from the wedding date. In both cases I felt like I lost my only link to people who could really relate to me, who really understood me and who really loved me without conditions.
I also believe I may have been sexually abused. I only have occasional flashes - it's like a black and white snapshot almost. I was about 4 or 5 years old. The scene is always the same.
I've never been in "traditional" therapy. I am pursuing that now. The only counseling I've ever had in my life relates to my substance abuse issues. I am now 37 years old and I feel like it's time to face my demons. The demons that probably lead me back to the drugs to dull some inner pain or defect that probably originated long ago.
I just read your posts and felt inspired to tell someone a little of my story. It helps to see that there are others who have experienced similar losses and pains. It's frightening to face this stuff. I live it over and over again in some ways through my interactions with my own husband and children. Thankfully, I did not repeat the cycle of physical and emotional abuse with my kids. Thankfully I have a wonderful supportive husband who has put up with much from me through our marriage and has stood with me like a rock. But I feel like I could be a better parent & wife. I so often see my father in some of my reactions with my kids and it just makes me nauseous. I know we are never perfect, but I do not want to hurt my children. I want them to grow up feeling they were loved and nurtured. Not hated and tortured.
Thanks for listening. It's helpful just to get some of it out and off your chest. :wave:
I had alot of childhood trauma. Emotional, physical, verbal. I also lost beloved people at a very young age that were very important to me and seemingly were my only link to "real" love and friendship. My highschool best friend died in a car accident when I was 18. My fiance died in a car accident when I was 20, 2 months from the wedding date. In both cases I felt like I lost my only link to people who could really relate to me, who really understood me and who really loved me without conditions.
I also believe I may have been sexually abused. I only have occasional flashes - it's like a black and white snapshot almost. I was about 4 or 5 years old. The scene is always the same.
I've never been in "traditional" therapy. I am pursuing that now. The only counseling I've ever had in my life relates to my substance abuse issues. I am now 37 years old and I feel like it's time to face my demons. The demons that probably lead me back to the drugs to dull some inner pain or defect that probably originated long ago.
I just read your posts and felt inspired to tell someone a little of my story. It helps to see that there are others who have experienced similar losses and pains. It's frightening to face this stuff. I live it over and over again in some ways through my interactions with my own husband and children. Thankfully, I did not repeat the cycle of physical and emotional abuse with my kids. Thankfully I have a wonderful supportive husband who has put up with much from me through our marriage and has stood with me like a rock. But I feel like I could be a better parent & wife. I so often see my father in some of my reactions with my kids and it just makes me nauseous. I know we are never perfect, but I do not want to hurt my children. I want them to grow up feeling they were loved and nurtured. Not hated and tortured.
Thanks for listening. It's helpful just to get some of it out and off your chest. :wave:
Hedgehog No 1
12-16-2005, 06:13 AM
This is almost an update - but not quite...
I have resurfaced this because (from another board) there is someone else who might get some help from this thread.
I am also moving forwards very carefully with my treatment.
I would add, that although I am somewhat of a 'basket-case' from an emotional point, the progress I am making is good.
I am getting my answers and have already had my first (of many) conversations with my father (by phone) and felt wonderfull afterwards.
I will keep you all posted.
Merry christmas and a happy new year.
Hedge ~ :cool:
I have resurfaced this because (from another board) there is someone else who might get some help from this thread.
I am also moving forwards very carefully with my treatment.
I would add, that although I am somewhat of a 'basket-case' from an emotional point, the progress I am making is good.
I am getting my answers and have already had my first (of many) conversations with my father (by phone) and felt wonderfull afterwards.
I will keep you all posted.
Merry christmas and a happy new year.
Hedge ~ :cool:
kiehn
12-16-2005, 10:15 AM
Hello Hedge
Dont know if this was the board you mentioned but I can diffenantely understand. I too was sexually, emotionally and physcially abused but never really honestly dealt with it until a few years ago when I discovered the same family that abused me abused my daughter. I was like a raging mother bear when I found out and that's when it hit me like a baseball bat to the back of my head. My parents didnt care, in fact just the opposite they hid, denied, and left my sibling and I to fend for ourselves. The sad fact of the whole issue, is it was one of my siblings that sexually abused my daugther and once again my parents did the same to my daughter as they did to me.
Reacting as I did to my daughters abuse forced me to face my own abuse. It caught me so off guard, it has left me rather shell shocked and Im still trying to deal with the
constant waves of PTSD. Im terrified to trust others, I have no friends and will walk away at anything that comes close to hurt or betrayal even if nothing is meant by it which you have first hand experience with. Thank for accepting my apology.
I no longer speak to any of my extended family. As my counselor says now Im in a continual process of greiving because they are all still living yet pretending nothing ever happened.
The sexual abused was on and off for many years. If the truth be known I have never much cared for sex and the older I get the more I dispise it. Part of that could be from being drug when I was 15 and raped repeatedly unable to fight as the drug left
me in a paralyzed state. That situation also occured via someone I had known for a while and trusted.
I dont know if sharing some of my experience helps but I can honestly say the abuse and rape left me feeling like I was worthless and unloved, which has created a domino affect as I continually seek reasurrance Im loved and valued.
My hope and wish to anyone who's ever experienced such hurt, pain and trauma is to find peace and comfort. So I'll end with this, Wishing you and your loved ones a Warm Comforting Holiday Season, K
Dont know if this was the board you mentioned but I can diffenantely understand. I too was sexually, emotionally and physcially abused but never really honestly dealt with it until a few years ago when I discovered the same family that abused me abused my daughter. I was like a raging mother bear when I found out and that's when it hit me like a baseball bat to the back of my head. My parents didnt care, in fact just the opposite they hid, denied, and left my sibling and I to fend for ourselves. The sad fact of the whole issue, is it was one of my siblings that sexually abused my daugther and once again my parents did the same to my daughter as they did to me.
Reacting as I did to my daughters abuse forced me to face my own abuse. It caught me so off guard, it has left me rather shell shocked and Im still trying to deal with the
constant waves of PTSD. Im terrified to trust others, I have no friends and will walk away at anything that comes close to hurt or betrayal even if nothing is meant by it which you have first hand experience with. Thank for accepting my apology.
I no longer speak to any of my extended family. As my counselor says now Im in a continual process of greiving because they are all still living yet pretending nothing ever happened.
The sexual abused was on and off for many years. If the truth be known I have never much cared for sex and the older I get the more I dispise it. Part of that could be from being drug when I was 15 and raped repeatedly unable to fight as the drug left
me in a paralyzed state. That situation also occured via someone I had known for a while and trusted.
I dont know if sharing some of my experience helps but I can honestly say the abuse and rape left me feeling like I was worthless and unloved, which has created a domino affect as I continually seek reasurrance Im loved and valued.
My hope and wish to anyone who's ever experienced such hurt, pain and trauma is to find peace and comfort. So I'll end with this, Wishing you and your loved ones a Warm Comforting Holiday Season, K
Morgan1313
12-16-2005, 12:32 PM
IF you were abused (at least physically, possibly sexually)
How do you/did you find out?
I always knew it happened. I had just never labelled it "abuse" until I went into therapy in my late 20's after becoming extremely depressed (or tired of being chronically depressed).
How did you deal with it?
Therapy. Antidepressants. Therapy. I'm o.k. now. Life does get better. A lot better.
How has it changed you?
Deep-seated anger. Anger, anger, anger. I still deal with it, but handle it through exercise and being aware of it. I'm also stronger. More empathetic. Compassionate. And feel grateful that it wasn't worse. Being thankful for the millions of things that HAVE gone right in my life helps a lot. I'm not starving in Africa and dying of AIDS.
How has it changed your relationships?
Recognizing it hasn't changed my relationships. Relationships sucked when I didn't know what was going on, when I felt confused and depressed and blamed myself for it all ("something's wrong with me"). Therapy helped me not take on the shame of others' actions anymore, not turn that anger inward (depression) like I was.
Be careful. Move at whatever pace YOU are comfortable moving. It may be that you weren't abused after all. And if you were, it will come to you when you are ready.
There was a really good book out years ago regarding dealing with abuse. I wish I could remember the name. You might want to do a search and do some reading.
Good luck. People get through this and become more stable and more satisfied with life. You can do it.
How do you/did you find out?
I always knew it happened. I had just never labelled it "abuse" until I went into therapy in my late 20's after becoming extremely depressed (or tired of being chronically depressed).
How did you deal with it?
Therapy. Antidepressants. Therapy. I'm o.k. now. Life does get better. A lot better.
How has it changed you?
Deep-seated anger. Anger, anger, anger. I still deal with it, but handle it through exercise and being aware of it. I'm also stronger. More empathetic. Compassionate. And feel grateful that it wasn't worse. Being thankful for the millions of things that HAVE gone right in my life helps a lot. I'm not starving in Africa and dying of AIDS.
How has it changed your relationships?
Recognizing it hasn't changed my relationships. Relationships sucked when I didn't know what was going on, when I felt confused and depressed and blamed myself for it all ("something's wrong with me"). Therapy helped me not take on the shame of others' actions anymore, not turn that anger inward (depression) like I was.
Be careful. Move at whatever pace YOU are comfortable moving. It may be that you weren't abused after all. And if you were, it will come to you when you are ready.
There was a really good book out years ago regarding dealing with abuse. I wish I could remember the name. You might want to do a search and do some reading.
Good luck. People get through this and become more stable and more satisfied with life. You can do it.
kiehn
12-16-2005, 01:45 PM
Morgan
I figure you question was in general to everone but I'll answer. Yes I always knew
but thought I had dealt with it, until my daughters abused finally came out after
13 years. All of a sudden I was viewing my abuse thru a mothers eyes and realized
not only had I educated my daughters but I never allowed anyone outside of the family to watch them, as all my sexual abuse came from outside family members.
Then to find out not only two seperate family memebers abused my daughter but my extended family all stood together (including my siblings who were also victims) protecting the offender (my brother) and even getting angry at my family for exposing him. For some reason the after affect of their behavior was worse then finding out about the abuse. Maybe it was like having salt rubbed into the first wound when they denied my abuse then denied and then tried to hid my daugters. Maybe someday I will be able to find a positive aspect to this whole ordeal but its still an open wound that wont heal. Wishing you Happy Holiday Memories, asltw (actions speak louder than words)
I figure you question was in general to everone but I'll answer. Yes I always knew
but thought I had dealt with it, until my daughters abused finally came out after
13 years. All of a sudden I was viewing my abuse thru a mothers eyes and realized
not only had I educated my daughters but I never allowed anyone outside of the family to watch them, as all my sexual abuse came from outside family members.
Then to find out not only two seperate family memebers abused my daughter but my extended family all stood together (including my siblings who were also victims) protecting the offender (my brother) and even getting angry at my family for exposing him. For some reason the after affect of their behavior was worse then finding out about the abuse. Maybe it was like having salt rubbed into the first wound when they denied my abuse then denied and then tried to hid my daugters. Maybe someday I will be able to find a positive aspect to this whole ordeal but its still an open wound that wont heal. Wishing you Happy Holiday Memories, asltw (actions speak louder than words)
Denco
12-17-2005, 01:30 PM
I'm glad that it's coming together for you!
In my experience abuse is one of the hardest things to overcome, but it certainly sounds like you're on the right road!
Congratulations and Merry Christmas!
In my experience abuse is one of the hardest things to overcome, but it certainly sounds like you're on the right road!
Congratulations and Merry Christmas!
frosty22
12-21-2005, 10:29 PM
I was sexually abused as a child by a male neighbor. I told my mother about it and she kind of disregarded it as child's play. As a result, i became very independent, judgemental, self-reliant, and I don't let anyone in, because if I let someone in I gethurt and who will help me. I was 31 years old before I confronted these demons.
I would think you would remember SOMETHING if you were sexually abused but I am certainly not an expert and I am certainly not saying you weren't abused. As far as relationships it has made my husband and I's relationship very difficult because I don't trust him, don't let him in, and I get very, very angry a lot and over extrememly smal l things. He has been a saint and put up with me finally admitting after 10 years of being together that I am controlling and have an anger issue. However, we have close to calling it quits several times and struggle with it every day
I would think you would remember SOMETHING if you were sexually abused but I am certainly not an expert and I am certainly not saying you weren't abused. As far as relationships it has made my husband and I's relationship very difficult because I don't trust him, don't let him in, and I get very, very angry a lot and over extrememly smal l things. He has been a saint and put up with me finally admitting after 10 years of being together that I am controlling and have an anger issue. However, we have close to calling it quits several times and struggle with it every day
Hedgehog No 1
01-27-2006, 07:49 AM
UPDATE
I tried the hypnotherapy - it only brought all my supressed anger and rage to the surface. So it was agreed that we would stop that until I was in a 'safer' frame of mind before continuing.
I continued regular therapy on a weekly basis to try and move myself forward. The result of that was a free-fall into depression and suicidal feelings. Apparantly all to be expected.
I am now back on meds to help with the 'overactive' thought process and also meds to help me sleep. (something that has eluded me for so long I can't remember how long.
I am slowly destroying the relationship with my kids as they neither understand nor have the ability to cope with how I am behaving.
I have just about destroyed my relationship with Carol. - it goes something like this - I am very ill, I can't cope with how I feel, Carol can't cope with how I am, she knows the causes of my ilness go back to my childhood and parents, that makes her angry, she has no outlet for her anger - except towards me. That makes me even more insecure and withdrwn and creates a situation of being 'clingy' towards her even more, this only makes her more angry because she can't cope with me as I am anyway.
Vicious circle or what!!!
So I am back on the meds . The very thing I tried to rid myself of over a year ago. My P-Doc says it should only be a temporary measure until I am settled and then continue with the therapy again. However, he suggest that I should be going once a month, not once a week. Apparently I made things worse by being impatient. (yet another trait of mine).
So the warning to anybody else...
Be VERY VERY carefull.
I'll consider keeping this thread open as there are very few dealing with this subject. I will refrain from 'graphic' details, but will inform you as and when my 'picture' becomes clearer in my head.
As a foot note when I spoke with my father on the phone I quized him concerning a four inch scare i have above my right eye which occured when I was three.( this is possibly my 'trigger incident') I never really knew the truth and never expected to find out but his answer was amusing (and digitally recorded by myself...!!!) He said he hit me with a shovel ... and if he didn't, he should have ...!!!
I'll keep you posted . I am having a four week break from ANY treatment with my new meds, then going back to see my P-doc. Then we will discuss if I am ready to start psychotherapy again.
Hedge ~ :confused:
I tried the hypnotherapy - it only brought all my supressed anger and rage to the surface. So it was agreed that we would stop that until I was in a 'safer' frame of mind before continuing.
I continued regular therapy on a weekly basis to try and move myself forward. The result of that was a free-fall into depression and suicidal feelings. Apparantly all to be expected.
I am now back on meds to help with the 'overactive' thought process and also meds to help me sleep. (something that has eluded me for so long I can't remember how long.
I am slowly destroying the relationship with my kids as they neither understand nor have the ability to cope with how I am behaving.
I have just about destroyed my relationship with Carol. - it goes something like this - I am very ill, I can't cope with how I feel, Carol can't cope with how I am, she knows the causes of my ilness go back to my childhood and parents, that makes her angry, she has no outlet for her anger - except towards me. That makes me even more insecure and withdrwn and creates a situation of being 'clingy' towards her even more, this only makes her more angry because she can't cope with me as I am anyway.
Vicious circle or what!!!
So I am back on the meds . The very thing I tried to rid myself of over a year ago. My P-Doc says it should only be a temporary measure until I am settled and then continue with the therapy again. However, he suggest that I should be going once a month, not once a week. Apparently I made things worse by being impatient. (yet another trait of mine).
So the warning to anybody else...
Be VERY VERY carefull.
I'll consider keeping this thread open as there are very few dealing with this subject. I will refrain from 'graphic' details, but will inform you as and when my 'picture' becomes clearer in my head.
As a foot note when I spoke with my father on the phone I quized him concerning a four inch scare i have above my right eye which occured when I was three.( this is possibly my 'trigger incident') I never really knew the truth and never expected to find out but his answer was amusing (and digitally recorded by myself...!!!) He said he hit me with a shovel ... and if he didn't, he should have ...!!!
I'll keep you posted . I am having a four week break from ANY treatment with my new meds, then going back to see my P-doc. Then we will discuss if I am ready to start psychotherapy again.
Hedge ~ :confused:
Hedgehog No 1
02-14-2006, 08:35 AM
UPDATE
Well, it has now been three weeks since I started taking meds again.
I was given 'FLUANXOL' (FLUPENTHIXOL DIHYDROCHLORIDE).
Initially I was prescribed a dose of 1mg twice a day.
This had the desired effect of stopping my mind from 'racing' all the time but left me feeling very sedated. Quite a bit too sedated, in fact.
So I dropped the dosage to 0.5mg twice a day.
(I am quite used to safely self-medicating)
I was left feeling very calm but NOT over sedated.
I skipped my morning dose yesterday as I still felt sedated.
I decided last hight NOT to take my evening dose as I really felt like I didn't NEED it.
It has now been over 36 hours since I've taken anything.
I feel calm, relaxed, NOT sedated, fairly happy and cheerful. :)
Is this feeling what is known as 'NORMAL' ...??? :rolleyes:
A feeling I have often wondered what it would be like to experience.
I am hoping that this sensation is something I can hold on to.
I am due to see my P-Doc this time next week.
Preferably without medication but if I NEED to, I will accept the fact that I will have to take meds for a while. Who knows?
My overall mood has now turned to the considering of returning to full-time work. A MAJOR step forward for me.
I'll keep you all posted... :cool:
Well, it has now been three weeks since I started taking meds again.
I was given 'FLUANXOL' (FLUPENTHIXOL DIHYDROCHLORIDE).
Initially I was prescribed a dose of 1mg twice a day.
This had the desired effect of stopping my mind from 'racing' all the time but left me feeling very sedated. Quite a bit too sedated, in fact.
So I dropped the dosage to 0.5mg twice a day.
(I am quite used to safely self-medicating)
I was left feeling very calm but NOT over sedated.
I skipped my morning dose yesterday as I still felt sedated.
I decided last hight NOT to take my evening dose as I really felt like I didn't NEED it.
It has now been over 36 hours since I've taken anything.
I feel calm, relaxed, NOT sedated, fairly happy and cheerful. :)
Is this feeling what is known as 'NORMAL' ...??? :rolleyes:
A feeling I have often wondered what it would be like to experience.
I am hoping that this sensation is something I can hold on to.
I am due to see my P-Doc this time next week.
Preferably without medication but if I NEED to, I will accept the fact that I will have to take meds for a while. Who knows?
My overall mood has now turned to the considering of returning to full-time work. A MAJOR step forward for me.
I'll keep you all posted... :cool:
Sehsun
09-23-2006, 12:23 AM
IF you were abused (at least physically, possibly sexually)
How do you/did you find out?
How did you deal with it?
How has it changed you?
How has it changed your relationships?
Have you considered any form of regression?
How did it affect you?
1) I think I repressed the memory - or, at least, I didn't know that what had happened to me was sexual abuse....until I read a letter from a girl in a teen magazine and I thought, that could be me.
2) I dealt with it by writing a letter to my youth pastor and telling him about it, with the clipping from the magazine. At the time I was going to therapy for depression. I eventually told my parents.
3) It has changed me because now the pieces are all fitting together and I can see how this event has shaped my personality and the certain ways that I think and live in this world. It has caused me to have more compassion for those who have been sexually abused and also those who have EDs, and I have a desire to help them now.
4) It changed my relationships because now I am searching for deeper, more meaningful relationships with people, not superficial. I really long to talk with people and get to know them. I don't know if it has changed my relationship with my parents or the others I have told (because I haven't seen the latter much anymore).
5) No, I have not considered any form of regression. Although sometimes I still feel like a child in that I miss my mom a lot and my childhood days.
6) It affected me in so many ways. I have grown stronger because of this, and I will not let it ruin my life.
There is so much more I can say about this. If any of you have any questions or comments, please feel free to PM me.
How do you/did you find out?
How did you deal with it?
How has it changed you?
How has it changed your relationships?
Have you considered any form of regression?
How did it affect you?
1) I think I repressed the memory - or, at least, I didn't know that what had happened to me was sexual abuse....until I read a letter from a girl in a teen magazine and I thought, that could be me.
2) I dealt with it by writing a letter to my youth pastor and telling him about it, with the clipping from the magazine. At the time I was going to therapy for depression. I eventually told my parents.
3) It has changed me because now the pieces are all fitting together and I can see how this event has shaped my personality and the certain ways that I think and live in this world. It has caused me to have more compassion for those who have been sexually abused and also those who have EDs, and I have a desire to help them now.
4) It changed my relationships because now I am searching for deeper, more meaningful relationships with people, not superficial. I really long to talk with people and get to know them. I don't know if it has changed my relationship with my parents or the others I have told (because I haven't seen the latter much anymore).
5) No, I have not considered any form of regression. Although sometimes I still feel like a child in that I miss my mom a lot and my childhood days.
6) It affected me in so many ways. I have grown stronger because of this, and I will not let it ruin my life.
There is so much more I can say about this. If any of you have any questions or comments, please feel free to PM me.
shapleybug
10-03-2006, 12:46 PM
hedge, speak to your counsellor about if you should go in for this, i take it you mean hypnosis?
I'm a hypnotherapist and it can help, but i feel you would need to be a bit further along and mentally stronger before going down that road, it can help, its going to be hard, but its never as bad as the actual event ( if it happened at all )
good luck and keep working hard, you owe it to yourself and your family to beat this!!!!!
hugs
Sarah XX
I'm a hypnotherapist and it can help, but i feel you would need to be a bit further along and mentally stronger before going down that road, it can help, its going to be hard, but its never as bad as the actual event ( if it happened at all )
good luck and keep working hard, you owe it to yourself and your family to beat this!!!!!
hugs
Sarah XX