Hey everyone! Life is kind of confusing right now. I'm so lost and incredibly scared which I feel really guilty about. Well here goes nothing. First of all I have so many mental issues it's not funny. Not too long ago I had cervical cancer removed (I'm fine now), and now they tell me I need a pacemaker. I'm only 20 with a 3 year old. I'm not supposed to have a pacemaker I'm supposed to be able to chase my little girl and have the time of my life. My life growing up was horrible. I was molested more than once, homeless, without food, heat, water, and I was physically and mentally abused. All that is just the tip of the iceberg. While I was growing up I had to take care of my mom and make everything better. So now when I really need someone I feel guilty for wanting to go to them. I have a wonderful guy in my life (my daughters father) and he wants me to go to him so he can help, but something always stops me. I want to curl up in someones arms so bad and have them tell me that everythings going to be ok, but I just think that things could be worse and people need me so I have to be strong. Whoever may read this thatnks for listening. I really needed to vent.
Best wishes and good luck to everyone,
Xiah

hey girl,
my name is crystal and im 17. i can say i kinda know how u feel. i was molested too when i was about 12 it was more then 10 times. it was by my moms b/f and i was close to him he was almost like a second dad to me. i would get really scard when i would have to stay alone with him and that's when it would happen. i was to scard to tell he told me if i did he would kill me and my family. i didn't know it at the time but he was doing it to my sisters too. he would pay me to keep my mouth shut. and now i have to live with what he did to my sisters. see it was my fault he did it to me first and if i would have went to someone he could have never done it to them. and i have to live with that. I was also physically abused growing up. if u cant talk to your b/f then plz know u can always talk to me.
hope i can help.
crystal

hey xiah,
I kinda know what you're going thru. I left home when I was 16, lived off of parties, traded "favors", always envious of the pretty one's, cuz there's always some old guy in a bmw that takes them home and gives them anything they wanted. Only to be thrown away later. Like trash. After you've been hurt many times, you tell yourself- "never again". It's your fault for trusting-Trust no one. I don't want to be abandoned. I'm trash. I don't deserve it. I'm not worth it. I only have myself to blame for this. Trust no one. I only have myself to depend on. I'm fine without you, F U you very much. I did it without you. You thought I would just curl up and die, didn't you? F U!!

Well, you prove them wrong. Not only did you survive, you've managed to take care of 2 other people. You got something to be proud of. It showed courage, determination and perseverence. It doesn't make you any less to ask for help. It won't make you a 'failure' to seek advice. You've got a friend who's willing to listen and willing to stay by your side. Don't ruin it. They're not all the same. Give him a chance.

Go see him babe, talk to him, let him know what you're going thru. You're not trading favors. If he really loves you, he will understand. Vent your anger, vent your frustration. He will appreciate it too.

I'm kinda in the same situation. My best friend has withdrawn herself. No matter what I say and no matter how hard I've tried, she's off in her own world. I feel so helpless and hopeless and I'm so angry at her BF because he knows her situation and won't help financially and offers little emotional support. All he cares about is getting his pecker wet. sheesh!!
anywhoo...good luck xiah, stay positive, never give up, don't let the ******* win!!

Xiah - wow! you have been through so much in your short lifetime so far!! I can't relate to your growing up but I can certainly relate to the need to lean on someone then the desire to "be strong" and not burden anyone with your problems. But you know what? Those people ARE there for you. If the guy in your life is telling you to come to him when you need a shoulder then do it!! You don't have to go through any of this alone - but you have to be the one to take the step forward and ask for help.

Crystal - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!! HE is at fault - you didn't make him do anything that he did! There are lots of things in our lives that we do that in restrospect we would have done differently; but in your mind you were 'protecting' your family...he TOLD you that if you said anything that he would kill them. How were you to know that he was just saying that to keep you quiet?? Don't live with that thought on your conscience that you are at fault for what happened to your sisters because I can bet you that he fed them the same lies....and all of you thought you were protecting the other!

Xiah: First off, I am very sorry to hear what happened in your past. It is something no one should have to endure. My best friend had cervical cancer and she is now cancer free with a new baby! Miracles can happen. Another friend of mine has a pacemaker (had a heart attack at age 18 when he didn't even know anything was wrong). He is extremely active, always mountain biking and playing hockey. The only thing that limits him is lifting heavy because it could cause the pacemaker to move under the muscle where it is located. Other than that, nothing limits him and he is a very happy person. I think if you had the pacemaker, you would probably be able to do more than what you can right now.

Just think of it this way... if none of those things happened in your past, you wouldn't have met the man who cares for you so much and gave you the gift of your daughter. He wants to be there for you and you deserve that!! You need to realize that you are allowed to be selfish & put yourself first for once. Go to him... let him comfort you and take care of you... the way you should have been treated before, and still should be treated today.

Best of luck to you & you will make it, girl! Do this for your daughter & make her have the life you should have. We're here for you & so is your daughter's father.

I too was molested as a child.I was also gang raped by my brothers friends.While my brother held me down.My own mother didnt bond with me.Her words.I am one of four children.She bonded with every one but me.It is a struggle to know you arent truely loved.I had one brother who litterally tired to kill me for years.Till my mother figured it out after she found me crawling up the front steps all buggered up that is.Aand the family thought I was just a clumbsy child...I also have been mentally abused by my family.I am frightened and scared of people and the outside world.I am a semi-functioning Agoraphobic.With panick anxiety disorders.I had a wonderful therapist where I use to live in the mountains.Just having some one to talk things out with helped me emencely.I cant really explain how it worked.Just that talking to some one not involved helped.I share all this to let you know.YOU ARE NOT ALONE in how you are feeling.
Peace to you from Willow