I just spent the weekend with my ex inlaws. I hadn't seen them in 15 years. My kids started asking about their mother and her family a couple years ago, so I told them what I knew and about what we did way back then. Then they wanted to see their mother and her family. So a couple months ago I took them to see their aunts and grandparents for the first time since they were 3 and 18 months. Since their mother is an alcoholic that lives way out in the boonies (doesn't even have a phone) I thought there would be no way she would show up. Well she did. So they all made a date to come down here where my kids and I live and treat us to a day at a theme park. And of course their mother had to tag along.

Their mother (my ex wife) did a real number on me. I haven't been able to have a relationship with a woman since I left her 15 years ago. Can't seem to trust them or even care about them. Sure, I am physically attracted to them and want a relationship, but actually going through with it is just too much to handle. I am basically scared to death I will screw up again and get such a horrible person who will take their time to purposely drive me crazy.

So then the "big day" came and everyone showed up. Her sisters don't seem to resent me as much as I feel they should, which was nice. I thought "Hey, it's been 15 years. I haven't thought about the ex for a long time. I am over that. I can be an adult and not freak out about her being around. I won't even argue or fight with her, no matter what she does." I did not fight with her. I couldn't bring myself to even talk to her for the entire day really. She married a registered child rapist. He's just as much an alcoholic as she is. He's a slight little sicko who really shouldn't have survived the 6 years he spent in prison for forcible sodomy on a female child under 12. And she was loving on him like he was Tom Cruise. She was doing it to drive me nuts. I knew it and she knew it. It worked too. She did everthing she could to both attract me to her and make me insanely angry at the same time. Well, everything he would allow her to do. He didn't leave her side for one second the entire time.

Her sisters were as friendly as they could be considering. I always liked them. They are very materialistic, quite trashy, and only really know anything about cars. But they are still entertaining and usually nice to be around.

So I spent a weekend in what most resembles a waking nightmare experienced on acid. I had frequent deja vu because it seems I dreamed nearly every minute of that weekend in snippets over the last 15 years. Luckily after a couple rides (and a couple hours in line, not speaking) the ex went back to her van (yes, the child molester drives a creepy van) the ex and her chester hubby went back to sit in the unaircondidtioned van, in 96 degree heat, to drink beer and listen to the race on the radio. That left me and my kids with her family for the rest of the day. Imagine, you haven't seen your sons since they were 3 and 18 months, it's 15 years later, you have a whole day to get to know them, your ex will not interfere and would much rather be elsewhere anyway. And you go sit in a metal box, in the south, during August, to drink beer and listen to a silly NASCAR thing. What a woman.

I was trying to feel comfortable and maybe talk to her family a little and since the two pretty sisters had husbands I didn't want to freak them out by hanging with their wives. So I spent my time trying to think of what to say to her oldest sister. She's fat and ugly, is quiet and keeps her head down. But darnit if I didn't find we had a lot in common. I enjoyed spending the day with her despite the intense anxiety I was feeling.

The next day we all met up and went to a large mall. They are from up north and the heat was driving them crazy. Since the mall has A/C and you can hang out there it was where we went. Again the same thing happened with the ex. She tried a few times to make me upset, gave the kids their first ever (and probably only ever) school clothes money and then promptly went back out to the van (again 96 degrees) to drink beer and listen to another race. She could have sat on a bench with her kids and spend the whole day talking to them. I wouldn't have even walked by, and yet that beer and race is more important. Afterwards we went back to the ex's motel room and watched the end of the race with them while she got really drunk. For a brief moment, (a few seconds) before enough beer kicked in to where she wasn't herself anymore we started talking like old times. In that 20 seconds or so it was like nothing had ever happened. Then we both realized what we were doing and stopped. Then almost immediately her new chester molester hubby took her out of the room and when she got back we didn't talk again. It was a very uncomfortable situation that became even more uncomfortable.

I ended up spending even more time talking with the ugly sister while at the mall. I felt and still feel bad that my inability to handle any contact with the ex whatsoever for more than a decade kept them away from their nephews. So I tried to apologize. I couldn't get all the sisters alone enough to say it to all of them so I told her. But as I was trying to explain she already knew. She is the first person I have talked to since my marriage broke up that actually seemed to understand how I felt and why I felt that way and what I did. It was so strange.

So what is the point of all this? I am depressed for reasons I can't understand, and I miss the ugly sister. I don't get it. We didn't actually talk that much. We rode a few rides together and I tried to keep the tension low with light conversation. But today at work I kept wondering if she missed me. I feel like I want to travel the 250 miles to her town and spend time with her. It's stupid and silly and I know it. If anything she looks at me like a lost cousin I would guess. She was 11-15 when I was married to her sister. Why would I be depressed and wanting to hang out with her after so little time spent together and knowing she is almost as messed up as the ex? She's not an alcoholic, but she has had 2 children taken away by social services (one of which was interracial) and has other issues. I feel like a sappy idiot. She's not pretty, smart, outgoing, or even datable (due to family stuff). But still I keep thinking about her and even find myself posting this. It's distracting.

How long will I be this way? I know she ain't going to call me and there is no way I will going to where she lives for many, many months. I ain't going to call her because it would be too weird and the only way to get her number is to ask her sisters and then it would be all "Why do you want it?" and then the rumours would start. It just not going to happen. Yet still I find myself thinking about it.

Am I going crazy? Will I be depressed for a long time? What made me that way and why? I look on the ex and don't feel anything for her. She hugged me at the end of the first day and I was repulsed. I even had an involuntary shudder that her brother noticed right away. I guess either he told her about or her chester dude had told her not to do it again. Either way I was relieved that she didn't touch me a second time. I am sure I am not depressed over her. I think. She's a drug dealing alcoholic that spends all of her waking hours drinking and selling "hillbilly heroin". We are so opposite that my kids marvelled over how we ever got together in the first place. She has lost all her looks and could be mistaken for my mother she looks so old and haggard now. I don't find myself wondering about her. I find myself wondering about her sister. And I shouldn't. But I do and don't want to. What is my problem?

Hi :wave:
I don't like to do relationship replies but I will give you my thoughts on what you have said.

I think seeing your ex brought up some issues that haven't been dealt with. I was recently around my ex of 10 years. I have 3 boys. The younger 2 were married this summer. It was a nightmare for me. Even though I have seen my ex, it's been about 4 years. I was so anxious, I made myself physically sick before the 1st wedding. It was awkward and we barely spoke. I don't think we spoke over 2 whole sentences for both weddings. I talked to my ex's wife some, but that was for the sake of my children. I always got along great with his family so they were excited to see me again. I felt even worse after the 2nd wedding. I cried for days. I wanted some answers to all of the feelings I was having. I didn't feel anything physical for my ex, he repulsed me. All I really know at this point is that whatever I don't have resolved still effects me a great deal.

The feelings you have for her sister is a connection to your past life you once had with your ex. I find it offensive that you call this woman, fat and ugly. She evidently has some good qualites or you wouldn't be thinking about her. She probably is a very sensitive person and a much more loving person than your ex. Just because she doesn't measure up to a models looks, doesn't mean she is an ugly person on the inside.

I think it would be a good idea for you to seek a psychologist or therapist, if the depression gets to the point where it is interfering with your daily functions.

Best wishes,
Sam

hi there,
Sounds like a lot has been going on for you lately.
First of all I must say that you really did a fantastic thing for your children. I know it was a nightmare for you but for your children to know about the other side of their family and to be able to see for themselves and make their own minds up that is a very important thing. I know that one from experience and I think you did a really good job of staying as civil as you could despite your negative emotions towards your ex and the various people that come along with her.

Secondly I think that you really need to take the time to talk to somebody who is completely unrelated to the whole situation. I think the reason that you felt the way you did towards the sister of your ex is because she was friendly and understanding towards all of what you are feeling in this situation. I believe that was all that you were seeking, someone who could be friendly and understanding towards you. It sounds (obviously) that no physical attraction occured and so I think you are attracted to someone who can spend time with you and talk to you about all of this. I don't think having further contact with her is what you I desire I think you just need someone to talk to.

All the best

I think that you really need to take the time to talk to somebody who is completely unrelated to the whole situation. I think the reason that you felt the way you did towards the sister of your ex is because she was friendly and understanding towards all of what you are feeling in this situation. I believe that was all that you were seeking, someone who could be friendly and understanding towards you. It sounds (obviously) that no physical attraction occured and so I think you are attracted to someone who can spend time with you and talk to you about all of this. I don't think having further contact with her is what you desire I think you just need someone to talk to.



You're right. But this is as close as it gets to talking to somebody who is completely unrelated to the whole situation for me. I can't think of single person who would really care to hear any of it. It would be nice to meet a woman who could really understand. But if she does, then she's going be just as traumatized as I am. I don't see how that could work. But you know, apparently I am blind or something because I never saw any possibility of any part of last weekend ever happening while awake and conscious. In scattered nightmares and dreams, yes. But not while awake.

So if I didn't see any of that coming, who knows what else I have been overlooking? I have declined several relationships because the women had serious character flaws. Maybe I will overlook the next one. Except lying. One can not have a relationship built on trust when the other would rather lie than speak the truth. I'll put almost everything else on the table now. See what happens. Jerry Springer, here I come.

hi there,
I don't know what exactly the best thing is for you, I can't experience your feelings - I haven't been thru what you have been thru. All I can do is try to offer a little help or a few words of comfort.

I realise that you must be having a difficult time because there is no one you can talk to about this. Many people are also having this problem and that is part of the reason that they post here - they have no where else to go. I don't know if posting here is helping you at all but if you feel you have nowhere else to go then people here will always try to listen and offer whatever they can.

If you feel that you are lacking a relationship in your life, if you feel that a new relationship would help you, then good luck in finding that special someone. I know it is also hard to know what to share and what to not disclose to a new partner, you are right that all of this would perhaps be too much for somebody new in your life. That is merely why I suggest that you talk to someone - as in not a potential partner, certainly doesn't have to be a woman, I was thinking more of a councillor, therapist or helpline, or as I said before even just posting here. It is hard to go find help in this way and even harder to admit that maybe this kind of help is something you are lacking. People spring automatically to the opinion of 'Shrink? I don't need a shrink!' but if you are struggling with problems then why deny yourself every help that is available and could be really beneficial.

Good luck, all the best.

Well, I'd first like to say that it was a brave, yet very responsible move you made going there after all you've been through and after such a long time as well. I am probably quite younger than you, so I have not experienced the whole kids thing and marriage and all that, but I have been through a lot for my age, and I have seen and been in the middle of similar situations, so I can sort of understand, or at least picture what it must feel like to an extent.

I agree with the fact that the so called connection that you thought you may have had with the sister was merely a helping hand that gave you a little understanding from that side of the family that you probably hadn't had before. I think that talking to her, made you feel a bit better about the situation, and in turn, you have desires to be with her, mainly because she is understanding and you can vent to her without worrying that she'll turn away or be as traumatized as you obviously are.

I also agree that you should start seeing a therapist or counselor about these issues. Trust me, it's not a bad idea, I have been seeing a therapist myself, and yeah, at first, I didn't wanna swallow my pride and see anyone, but I realized that I had to if I wanted things to get any better. I have confidence that if you talk to a therapist exactly the way you were talking to the sister, you'll feel much better, and you'll realize that you can keep going to this person who has no relationship whatsoever with that family,(which I think you need to stay away from, for your sake and the childrens sake), you'll be more open to venting and getting all this stress and anxiety off of your chest. Trust me, it feels great to release your problems by talking about it to someone, even if you don't know this person.

From what you said about the ex's hubby, I would seriously keep away from that, that's just my personal opinion.....If I had kids, there's no way they would ever get close to someone like that...EVER!

Things happen, people lose interest and love, and that's the way it is, and kids can deal with it, even though it's hard, they will get over it and realize there are so many others who have had parents divorced and what not, like myself. I wouldn't even waste my time giving a big effort to making contact with her, because the kids probably don't need to be around that kind of person, and I'm sure if you sit down and have a serious talk with them, they may just tell you that they really don't care to see her again, but that's just my opinion.

I have similar issues with the whole trust thing....I'm afraid that I'm never going to be in another relationship because of being hurt and screwed over quite a few times, I have paranoia that restricts me from getting close to people in fear that they will cheat on me or just hurt me in some way. But, I try to have a positive attitude every day as much as I can, cuz' I know I'm wrong with my thinking, and things WILL get better, I just have to give it time, not concentrate on it, and the opportunity will come my way when I least expect it, or I will come out of this phase, and approach someone I take an interest in, and realize that all the thoughts I have are nonsense and silly. Being cautious is okay, but there's a certain point when it turns into extreme paranoia and excessive worrying about things that will probably not happen, and that's when you need to reevaluate things and/or get some help!

Well, I wish the best of luck to you, keep your head up, and do things to keep your mind off of all this, you need to put the past in the past, and move on with your life....because IT IS WAY TOO SHORT for this kind of stuff. Good luck.......later.

I get a lot of advice to see a shrink. I couldn't afford it even if I wanted to go to one so it's just not an option. I will end up ealing with this like I dealt with my marriage breaking up and my father's death before that. I thought I would have a few months to get over this last visit before I had to make another one, but her mother is going to be dead here in a week at most. She was put in the hospital yesterday for some kind of seizure, she's real sick and has late stage alzhiemers. So she's not going be around very much longer at all. I just know that I will have to take the kids up there for her funeral. I don't see why I should, they met her twice and she had no idea who they were. She did remember me though, which was kinda freaky. She never really liked me that much. Least I don't think she did. Anyway, they will want to go and I would be a cad for not taking them. So I have that to "look forward" to.

As to the ex's hubby, I've already told the kids that no matter how much she wanted them to visit, he ain't going to be around. I don't have to be, but he will NOT be. Based on his history alone he is on the verge of getting a severe physical assault for just being in my presence. Should he so much as look crosswise at my kids he would end up over some hill in WV where even the flies won't be able to find him. I am not a violent person, but I spend a great deal of my time with little girls and anyone that could hurt one them just strikes a particular nerve with me. It's hard not to think about the fact that he ruined a little girl's life. He took her innocence and destroyed her faith in men. I stand there and look at him and I fill slowly with rage about what he did and find myself needing to walk away in order to keep peace.

The oldest said he saw the ex as a crazy aunt type. The youngest has always felt abandoned by her and you can tell that he just wants the two of us to get back together. He has created all these ideas about what kind of person she is despite my blunt and straightforward revelations to him about her. I don't know why he would be this way, she was never really a part of his life when we were together and we split up when he was 18 months old. My mother has been his "mother figure" and to me that should be enough. So they both want to see her again. But just a visit and not a long one. Since she has so much money (being a drug dealer and all) the 15 year old keeps saying "She's buying me a 4 wheeler." I try to tell him that it ain't going to happen, but he is insistant. So it is all a mess.