I could use some kind words.... [Archive] - HealthBoards.com Message Boards

SOE

08-25-2005, 01:05 PM

My ex-fiance is getting married tomorrow night -- to someone else.

I am so overwhelmed with sadness today that I'm sitting here at work with tears running down my face as I type this.

I've been trying to deal with this for several weeks now and I thought I was doing ok, but I'm not.

To give a little background, it was probably 10 years ago when he and I first go together. He had his good and bad points. Most people who know me will say that he was not the right guy for me. Some people would physically try to stop me if I did try to marry him. I think I knew that then, or I would not have broken up with him. We were together 3+ years, and had many years after that alternated between being close and not speaking at all. I was there when his mother was terrible ill. I was there when his sister died.

3 years ago I had a very traumatic experience, and he was there for me briefly, then he cruelly left me in the lurch friend-wise, because.... well that's another long story.

The other part of my story you may have read on these threads. I spent 10 months tapering off all my ADs, and I have been off them for over 11 months now. About a month ago, I started feeling like I did 10 years ago -- like I was that person and the last 10 years have been a hazy bad dream. Like 10 years ago, to me, feels like now. All the emotions and feelings I had then, I feel now..... I don't know if this makes any sense. It is as though I have been drugged for 10 years and now I am coming out of it and wondering where my life went.

So I think that is why this hurts so much time, emotionally, I back where I was 10 years ago, but my ex-fiance has moved on and is getting married tomorrow.

Does this sound insane to you guys?

I am just so sad.... I want to go stop him and tell him how I feel, and what the drugs did to me, but I can't. He wouldn't understand, and I can't tell how real any of these feelings are right now anyway.....

I'm just so very sad.

Sponsor

EoR

08-25-2005, 01:37 PM

(((((((((((((sickofeffexor)))))))))))))) ) You make perfect sense and you don't sounds insane at all. It was nice to read more of your story and know you a bit better. I'm sorry to hear of your sadness. :( I understand the pining for an ex. Have you thought about entering a new relationship? I don't want that to sound insensitive, but sometimes, it's the best way to ease the pain of a break-up, especially if the new person turns out to be so much better for you than the last--which has often been my experience, and it sounds to me that you had plenty of hardships with your ex. That there were people who would've physically intervened to prevent the two of you from marriage--that speaks volumes. What is it about him you're missing, in particular? I've heard of something before about how when two people in love separate, that it sometimes happens that one person can't remember anything good about the other person. It can also be the other way--that they can't remember anything bad. He sounds like he was incrediby heartless to adbandon you during a traumatic period in your life, but without knowing that whole story, I don't want to be too harsh. I guess what I'm getting at, is that maybe these things happen to us because there's something better in the works. That probably sounds cliche, but I've found it to be true in my experience. I hope this will happen for you, too. Sorry for the redundancy. I guess I'm at a loss, but I still want to try to help. Maybe you could take the rest of the day off so you can sort your feelings out at home and in peace.

I'm sincerely sorry for your suffering, and if you need to talk more, I'll be around.

Take care, sweetie --

EoR

brokenspirit

08-25-2005, 02:21 PM

:wave:

Smile
Though your heart is aching
Smile
Even though it's breaking
When
There are clouds
In the sky,
You'll get by
If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile
And maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun
Come shining through
For you

Light up your face
With gladness
Hide every trace
Of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near
That's the time
You must keep on trying
Smile,
What's the use of crying?
You'll find that life
Is still worth-while
If you just smile

smile I love you!! :bouncing:
cathy

gwenatron

08-25-2005, 03:00 PM

I'm sitting here in work with tears running down my face reading your post. I can only imagine what pain you're in, and I shudder to think of how badly I would cope. Yay you for even being able to be in work.

I'm off my meds too.....feel like I'm regressing, but it's early days for me.

What you're feeling is TOTALLY ok and valid. You don't spend 3 years loving somebody and let go because everybody says you have to. If you can just switch off feelings then they're not sincere.

The horrible thing is there's really nothing you can do, except feel the pain and lean on people you can trust for support.

I feel upset and angry on your behalf.

xxxx

Samantha317

08-25-2005, 03:11 PM

Hi Sickofeffexor :wave:
I am so sorry you are feeling so sad. I wish I could be there to wrap my arms around you and comfort you. You are entitled to have those feelings, of a relationship that you had hoped would be for you. I hope you can see past the hurt and see that some things are not meant to be. When we are in the middle of all of the pain, it's hard to see beyond that pain. You deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect. I don't have the words of wisdom that you always do, but know that my heart goes out to you. I hope and pray that you will have someone that will be much better to you and much better for you.

I think you are an amazing person to have weaned off of your meds and still continued to work. That is an amazing feat in itself. I don't know what traumas you have gone through but you did deserve for the person that you loved to be with you and support you.

Please take extra special care of yourself and know that you need this time to grieve a loss. It's normal and allow yourself that time. Be gentle with yourself and let us know if you need anything. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love and many heartlfelt healing hugs,
Sam :angel:

SOE

08-26-2005, 12:07 AM

Eor, Cathy, Gwenatron, and Samantha, thank you so much for your compassion and support!

I think tomorrow may be the hardest day for me. I feel haunted by this sadness. Like it's a past dream or hope that is being taken away and will be gone forever. He told me once that I would never find anyone who would love me as much as he loved me. Those words are ringing in my head and haunting me.

I'm so afraid that he was right. What if he is right? What if no one will ever really love me?

I really am afraid that no one is going to love me again.

Here I sit, with the tears streaming down my face. I'm just sobbing like a baby. This sadness feels so overwhelming.

I hate feeling like this.

Jecca1

08-26-2005, 12:20 AM

Samantha317

08-26-2005, 12:30 AM

Hi Sickofeffexor :wave:
I don't think your ex finance would have been good for you. I know you are grieving a loss and I don't want to minimize those feelings. It's hard to go through but necessary just the same. Get all of it out, the hurt, the anger, the lonliness and the pain.

You have always been here for me and you always have the right words to say and even the way you say them are always just what needs to be said. You are a special person and you do not deserve to settle for nothing but the best. I can't help but bellieve that there is someone out there for you, it's not the right timing yet. I believe that when you and that person are ready, you will meet.

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I know it must be so painful. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and hugs,
Sam :angel:

SOE

08-26-2005, 12:30 AM

I agree with Sam. Take good care of yourself. You can't undo the past, but you can make the most of the future. I'm so glad you had the strength to get off your meds. My hat is off to you!! I am also glad you are coming out of the fog and feeling yourself again. Even though it is a sad time for you, at least you are able to feel something. That means you are well on your way to a better life. You will also find a new love, have a fresh start, and keep your fond memories of your ex, while making new memories you can cherish with your new loved one.

You're a strong person and life is getting better. I admire you.

Give yourself some time like Sam said and be gentle with yourself. You know she always has the right words to say. Ha! How does that woman do it?

Your next relationship will be even better as you go into it with eyes wide open and alert, in better health. Sometimes your friends can see things that we can't. Maybe your friends saved you a lot of heartache.

Much love,

Jecca1

Thank you Jecca, I know you are writing to me, but as I read it, it sounds like you must be talking about someone else. I have come through a lot, but I don't feel strong. I feel like a failure. I'm tired of everything being so hard. And never seeming to get what I want.

I had thought that by now I would have been married for a long time, with children.... but my life is nothing like that and it is too late for children -- another dream that breaks my heart.

Thank you for trying. I think it helps to hear positive things, even though I don't believe it right now.

Samantha317

08-26-2005, 12:45 AM

((((((((((SOE)))))))))))

We are here for you sweetie! The depression is lying to you...don't listen to those lies! You will get through this and you will be glad you did. There is something spectacular waiting for you dear.

Hugs and love,
Sam :angel:

SOE

08-26-2005, 12:47 AM

You are a special person and you do not deserve to settle for nothing but the best. I can't help but bellieve that there is someone out there for you, it's not the right timing yet. I believe that when you and that person are ready, you will meet.

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I know it must be so painful. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you Sam, may your words be true... I desperately need your prayers and I thank you for them, especially through tomorrow. I'm scared at what my emotions will bring me on the day of his wedding. I've been dreading it for weeks, but now the sorrow is so great....

Jecca1

08-26-2005, 12:49 AM

Give it time. The sun will shine again. You are stronger than you think.

You are certainly no failure. You have been an inspiration to lots of folks here.

If you want to have children, there are many to adopt. It's not exactly like having your own, but if the love is there, you can make it work.

I haven't adopted, but I have taken care of so many foster children that I can't count them. Some were precious, some were hurting, some were mischievious. Some hurt my feelings. Some had real deep issues. I loved them all. In the world we live in, there are many children that need a home, either foster or adoptive, and agencies would love for you to adopt. This opens a space for another unfortunate child to be placed in.

We can make a difference, starting with one small life. That one small life can make a difference in ours.

Give yourself some time and pampering, or I'll sik Sam on you. ha!

SOE

08-26-2005, 12:55 AM

Thank you Jecca, I so appreciate that you are taking the time to comfort me.

I'm going to go to bed now, I am tired, and so afraid of tomorrow....

Thank you for being here for me.

Johnsternow

08-26-2005, 01:59 AM

SOE, :wave:

What is all this??? You say he said, “You would never find anyone who would love me as much as he loved you.” Nice Guy and such a warm going away present he left you!!! :mad: He lied!!! Would you have the audacity to say that even to a stranger here??? Thanks for the boost of confidence with a side order of insecurity. :rolleyes: No dreams have been broken. He was not the right one!!! Count your blessings dear friend! Yes like Sam say’s your grieving a loss. Sweetheart how many stories have you seen here that are worse? I know you have because you are here to help so many in so many special ways. Your pain is understandable for now but you see the old saying always comes up. One door closes and another one opens. You may have been delivered a blessing here. :angel: An unanswered prayer even for your future children too. Do you see the way many woman and their children suffer in unhealthy unwanted abusive marriages? You may never know just how bad that one could have been for you dear friend. I believe someone out there is watching out for you. They see your heart and it’s purity. You might just deserve someone better than one who tells you something as abusive as that. We all love you!!! :D Does that count for something? Not for what you look like or what you were. Not the money you have or the things you do. We all post to you because we love your heart. Your compassion. Would he do this for others here? And if we can love you for that with nothing in return why would you believe and want to marry this liar??? You will find the right person or they will find you. I feel it in my soul. You my dear must first close this chapter on this book before you can move forward. I do understand. :( Many of us have been thru this same thing. I will pray for you like crazy both tonight and thru parts of the day tomorrow. We need you strong and healthy again. Strong and encouraging for many here as you always are. YOU ARE LOVEABLE!!! :)

I hope I have helped you half of what you have for others.

God Bless you through this difficult time. :angel:

John

s1980

08-26-2005, 03:11 AM

hi there,
sounds like tough times, hope better times are on the way. Maybe this story of mine may help a little, I don't know but bear with me.

I believe that sometimes we can get fixated on one person, I know that I have experienced this, I don't know if it is the same for you.
I had a relationship with somebody who was obviously not the right person for me but my feelings towards him were so intense that still now to this day I can't believe it. He was an egotistical person, vain and very selfabsorbed, he believed (and probably still believes) that he is better than other people, he is somebody special or destined to greatness in someway. I believe in none of those things, I never felt those things for myself or admired them in others. But still I overlooked all of this. I just felt an intense (love?) fascination and awe for him and I could never really understand why, it was more like an intense attraction and worship.

He hurt me in many many ways. Of course he did. In the end I had to cut myself off from him completely, that was a very very hard thing to do. I never phoned again, I was friendly with his family, I cut them off, on recieving phone calls from him (I suppose he continued contact with me as an ego boost) I would be civil but unrevealing, perhaps cold, certainly brief, then I stopped taking them. I made sure I heard no news of him.

It felt like a hole in my life for a long time, I even had dreams of him at night, still sometimes do, but I was resolved to cut him out of my life as he had caused so much misery over such a long time.
I needed to move on.
It's been years since then, I built a whole new life. I tried to look at it like a blank canvas. There were many tears behind closed doors but in the end it has been totally worth it. I found a loving partner - there are no egos here - there is just love for us. I am very very happy.

I still think about the other man sometimes but I am at the point where I can say that if I saw him today, I would wish him well. I wouldn't want anything to do with him anymore but I feel I could wish him well.
Over time maybe you can get to this point too. I know right now it is all pain, but one day it wont be anymore. That I can promise.

All the best

gwenatron

08-26-2005, 07:24 AM

Hey SickofEffexor

Thinking of you today.
Don't believe the 'nobody will ever love you like I do' crap. It's manipulation at its worst and doesn't warrent 1 MINUTE of your time.

Please do something really nice for yourself today and demand hugs.

xx

Johnsternow

08-26-2005, 10:44 AM

Hey SOE,

Let us know how your doing today a little later O.K?

Samantha317

08-26-2005, 10:51 AM

Hi SOE :wave:
I just wanted you to know that you are in my prayers today. We are here if you need to talk.

Hugs and love,
Sam :angel:

lostangel

08-26-2005, 10:53 AM

Me, too, SOE. :wave: Hope today is better and brighter. Talk to us.
:angel:

bluejulie5

08-26-2005, 11:37 AM

I am sorry that you are so sad. I can actually feel your pain.

I wish he would have stuck with you through your hard times.

Maybe people were right when they say he was not the right one for you.

That still does not take away the pain.

I hope that you can get some kind of relief from all of this and be happy again.

good luck.

SOE

08-26-2005, 01:22 PM

You will find the right person or they will find you. I feel it in my soul. You my dear must first close this chapter on this book before you can move forward. I do understand. :( Many of us have been thru this same thing. I will pray for you like crazy both tonight and thru parts of the day tomorrow. We need you strong and healthy again. Strong and encouraging for many here as you always are. YOU ARE LOVEABLE!!! :)

I hope I have helped you half of what you have for others.

God Bless you through this difficult time. :angel:

John

Thank you for the kindness. I have wondered for years if there is really someone out there for me, I hope that you are right! And you are most definately helping me, with both your prayers and compassion -- and taking the time to let me know you are there. I appreciate it it so very much.

I know right now it is all pain, but one day it won’t be anymore. That I can promise.

Thank you s1980, I know in my head that is true, but it’s my heart that is hurting today. Hopefully when today is over, I will be able to stop the grieving.

Thinking of you today.
Don't believe the 'nobody will ever love you like I do' crap. It's manipulation at its worst and doesn't warrent 1 MINUTE of your time.

Please do something really nice for yourself today and demand hugs.

xx

Gwenatron, you and John both said the same thing about what my ex told me “nobody will ever love you like I do”…. it is manipulation, right? Why would you say that to someone you were supposed to love? Still, they are very scary words to me. So far they seem to be true, but maybe once I get past this pain I will see it differently? I hope so.

I wish I could demand hugs. I miss being hugged. The closest I get is with my dogs, thank heavens for them.

Samantha, Lost Angel and Julie,

It means so much to me to have your support. I so appreciate yours and John’s prayers. I know that is what will carry me through this day.

He is getting married tonight. I still have to get through the day at work, and then through the night at home alone. Still scared of the pain. My heart is aching.

Thank you all for being here for me. If it’s not too much for me to ask, I would really appreciate it if you would continue to pray for me and help me through this. I really don’t want to be alone. Even though you’re not here in person – it helps me to know that people out there care.

brokenspirit

08-26-2005, 01:30 PM

SOE,
I wish there were some magic words or potions that I could say that would ease your pain. If I could I would turn a frog into a prince just for you. It breaks my heart to see anyone in so much pain.
all the others were right there is someone out there for you. I just don't believe we were all ment to be alone. I wish you all the love and happiness in the world and beyond. Try to look at it this way he is not good enough for you. You are so kindhearted and caring about others and he wasn't worth your time. I'll talk to you later
Many prayers for you and hugs!
cathy

brokenspirit

08-26-2005, 01:37 PM

Oh by the way I had to get off here last night hubby was home from work and i couldnt finish the cake. I will try to send you another tonight ok

EoR

08-26-2005, 02:07 PM

SOE

08-26-2005, 03:59 PM

SOE

08-26-2005, 04:05 PM

(((((((((((((SOE)))))))))))))) I know this isn't as sufficient as a real hug, but I wish it could be. Good luck today. Hang in there, sweetie. You've come so far. Is there someone that can keep you some company today? I will continue to think of you and pray for you, and it seems like a handful of us is here (on the board) most times, so if you need some shoulders to cry on...you don't have to suffer alone. We do care.

Much love,

EoR

Thank you EoR for your hug! It does help. Especially from Eeyore -- as he has always been my favorite Disney character. I have many Eeyores at home!

It's hard to get through the work day because I am hurting... and I'm not really looking forward to being alone tonight -- unfortunately many of my friends are going to his wedding tonight. I don't want to think they are betraying me.... some of them I am not as close to anymore because he lied to them about me. One friend called him on the lies and he admitted it -- but not to the others.

So why do I hurt for someone who has not just been cruel to me, but also lied? Because the first couple of months with him were so good and those memories haunt me -- and still that he said no one else would ever love me like he did. I know logically that if he really loved me, he wouldn't have said that -- but at the same time, it is such a big fear.

I'm going to be ** next month and for me it is too late to have kids, so that dream is gone-- and it's a painful one -- then on top of that to fear no one will ever love me.... I'm so scared, so sad. And I hate feeling like this. I hate that he is getting to me like this. Will I feel better tomorrow when it's all over?

EoR

08-26-2005, 04:41 PM

I have tons of Eeyores, myself. Eeyore isn't just a reflection of the depression, but he's my passion. I'm typing this to you while wearing pink Eeyore jammies. :)

You don't have to be alone, sweetie. Stay with us. Somebody will be here. It's not the same as physical company, but you'll have people who are readily availble, listening with eager ears and waiting to comfort with open arms.

My sister was once in a 9 year relationship with a man who did drugs, drank, called her terrible names, and abused her physically. And she loved him fiercely. He, too, was a charmer for the first few months, and then he could no longer hold up the facade. His true colors began to shine through, but she was already taken. That was okay, though, because it was his bad boy persona that attracted her to begin with, and when he started abusing her, it was a behavior she had been familiar with. Sadly, the more she suffered, the more she loved him. There's a song in which one of the lyrics is, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?" Often, the reason one feels attracted to such a person, is because they have suffered in their childhood, and the feelings of being hurt are so familiar, they're almost comforting--comforting enough to feel like love. There's a book that explains it very well, it's called, "Women Who Love too Much," and if you can find it, I urge to pick it up. The author goes into depth about why women not only stay in cruel and abusive relationship, but why they seek such relationships. Your hurt probably goes far beyond the first couple of months.

Your ex couldn't have possibly known if his depth of love could not be surpassed by another, and frankly, I think somebody could love you far more than a person who treated you cruelly, lied, and left you in a lurch during a time you needed all the support you could get. How could somebody not love you more than that? He may have thought he loved you so immensely, but where is he now? You can't tell me that somebody won't love you more than THAT. Now, the ball is in your court, to open yourself up, trust again, and let yourself be loved again. It's likely you won't feel too differenlty tomorrow. It will take some time, and I know you hate feeling this way--it's empty, and raw, and above all, lonely, but it won't go on forever. That chapter of your life is now sealed, and you can start fresh, begin a new chapter, and find someone that WILL love you more than himself, and you can experience love cruelty and deception free. Don't fear that nobody will ever love you. I've been following your threads. I know you're intellegent, compassionate, kind, and loving. What's not to love? As for children, have you considered adoption or working with kids? It may not quite be the same as having your own, but may help fill the void.

Promise me if you're feeling too alone and blue tonight you'll come here and see if somebody will stay with you for awhile? I'll try to be around, but I can't make promises, as I never know what my evenings will entail. I'm sure there will be one or two people about, though.

I'll be thinking of you.

Lots of love,

EoR

SOE

08-26-2005, 04:51 PM

I've been following your threads. I know you're intellegent, compassionate, kind, and loving.

That is very sweet of you to say, and very thoughtful. I know you are trying to build me back up. I'm just reaching the really "freaking out" point. I have visions of me calling him and begging him not to marry her.... but then what the heck would I do with him?

I know all of this logically -- at least I think I do.

I'm not sure why I am freaking out so much. Or why I feel so scared and sad.

I hate this.

EoR

08-26-2005, 05:30 PM

It's probably due to the finailty of things. You'll be okay, sweetie. You're better than him. You deserve so much more. Hang tight, hun. I'm going on break, but I know Sam is around here--at least I think. Please seek her out if you need to talk. Be strong!

Love,

EoR

Samantha317

08-26-2005, 05:42 PM

Hi SOE :wave:
I have sent many prayers on your behalf today. I hope you can sense the peace I have asked for you.

EoR is right, ya know? You have no idea what pain and sorrows would have come your way if you were still with this man.

Much love, hugs and prayers,
Sam :angel:

SOE

08-26-2005, 05:56 PM

Thank you Sam, for your prayers, I need them so desperately. I think as it gets closer, I am going into panic mode.

I think this also hurts, because he's getting what I always wanted... it doesn't seem fair. Why does he get to be in love... when I'm not. I've wasted so many years on ADs and fighting depression, I've lost so much time.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm just having a big pity party.... I would really like to get past this. I'm so thankful for you and the others!!

Do you have any tips for me? I am so grateful for your prayers!

lostangel

08-26-2005, 06:02 PM

EoR

08-26-2005, 06:16 PM

You're not having a big pity party at all, sweetie. Losing a loved one, whether it be through death, or if they're being taken away in another sense, is probably *the* most painful thing a person will ever go through, and in a way, you've just begun mourning a loss that the depression and medication would not let you mourn 10 years ago. It's like you broke up yesterday. Fortunately, grieving allows us to heal, and hopefully, with time, you will find love again. Your ex was not your last shot.

Do you have anything for anxiety, if you do start to panic? Please continue to talk with us...

Love,

EoR

Samantha317

08-26-2005, 06:25 PM

I can see this situation as more of a blessing to you than a curse. You tend to see and remember the good times and the love that YOU feel. You think all of those years on AD's are wasted but they aren't. It seems to me that you were spared even greater pain than what you are suffering now. I know you have read my story of my 20 year marriage. I loved this man more than life itself and as EoR pointed out, he was all wrong for me. He abused me in every sense of the word. He is a master of deceit and I am still going through the pain of having children with this man. It's not all good and it doesn't always have a fairy tale ending (most don't).

The friends that you still have and they aren't there for you now, I don't consider that much of a friend. I know this doesn't ease your pain and the pain is necessary to get to the brighter side of all of this sorrow. I am sorry that you have to go through this pain. I would take your sorrow away if I could. There are reasons for the things we go through in life and we don't always understand until it is time to be revealed to us.

You know that saying that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I think that you should be thankful that you aren't the one walking down the aisle. It could be that you will see in time that even this man will ultimately show his true colors to this woman as well. Thank God, you aren't bound to a lier and a selfish man. You deserve so much more, SOE. You have a wonderful heart and it would be so sad to see this man have any more of your precious time spent on him.

Do you have any movies that can distract you from these thoughts of him? Take much comfort in knowing that your dogs love you unconditionally. Give them your undivided attention and they won't let you down. They love you for being you and they already know that you are a truly wonderful and compassionate person.

If you need anything, let me know. I don't know if this is any help to you, but I hope you are surrounded by your guardian angels.

Love and hugs,
Sam :angel:

EoR

08-26-2005, 08:47 PM

Are you hanging in there okay, sweetie? Still here for you. Hugs.

~EoR~

brokenspirit

08-26-2005, 09:29 PM

SOE, :wave:
hold on, this day is almost over and you will have made it through it. I feel so sorry for all the pain you are going through, I would take it away if I could. remember we all love you. I know its not the same but there is someone out there who will love you just for you and it will be wonderful when he comes and sweeps you off your feet.
I'm gonna try to send you one of the biggest hugs that I can, try to keep smiling. watch a funny movie or something, pop you some popcorn grab a coke and watch you a movie. there is a movie that I have called the stupids it has Tom arnold in it, that is what you need to watch it will make anyone cheer up it is so stupid. :bouncing:

lots of love and hugs
cathy

EoR

08-26-2005, 11:02 PM

((((((((((((SOE)))))))))))

Hope everything is alright.

SOE

08-27-2005, 12:22 AM

Dear SOE,

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time today... I can only imagine what you are going through as the hours go by. But life is often a wheel of fortune (or, a more happy thought, a ferrys wheel), and though he seems to be on the top now, your turn will come, too. It will come. Hang in there. There are only so many hours in the day, so many minutes in the week. You will find someone. This guy is not it.

Hugs,
Angel :angel:

Lost Angel, I used to love ferris wheels – they have always been my favorite ride at a carnival, thank you for bringing me a happy thought.

You're not having a big pity party at all, sweetie. Losing a loved one, whether it be through death, or if they're being taken away in another sense, is probably *the* most painful thing a person will ever go through, and in a way, you've just begun mourning a loss that the depression and medication would not let you mourn 10 years ago. It's like you broke up yesterday. Fortunately, grieving allows us to heal, and hopefully, with time, you will find love again. Your ex was not your last shot.

Do you have anything for anxiety, if you do start to panic? Please continue to talk with us...

Love,

EoR

EoR, you understand exactly, that I do feel like it was just yesterday I was with him. I pray it was not my last chance… that someone else will come along and love me.

SOE

08-27-2005, 12:24 AM

Sam, Cathy, EoR, Lost Angel, John, Gwenatron, Julie, Jecca1, s1980

I don’t know how to thank you for all of your support and love and hugs. He is married now, I have made it this far. I hope this will be the last hard night I spend in pain.

I don’t know how I would have made it this far without your help. You are amazing people and I would be fortunate to count you as my friends. I ask you please to continue to pray for me tonight and maybe the next couple of days. I believe I feel the strength of your prayers and thoughts. I believe it would have been so much harder to get through this without you. I don’t know how I can repay your goodness and kindness at the time when I need it the most.

One of my dogs is bringing me toys, I know he does not like to see me sad. (I had to tell people at work today that my allergies were bothering me because they all noticed my red eyes from crying. I don't think they bought it.)

I thank God for you and ask Him to bless all of you and bring you peace and love and comfort in your lives.

I'm going to take a Tylenol PM to help me fall asleep and crawl into bed with my two pups and a movie. I'm scared of the silence, I fear more pain when my mind has more time to dwell on what's happened tonight. I pray for good dreams and a better tomorrow. I want to get past this painful day.

I love you guys -- you are the best.

SOE

SOE

08-27-2005, 11:43 AM

It's now the day after and the pain is very sharp this morning. It just aches like someone is physically stabbing me. Why does it hurt so much?

EoR

08-27-2005, 11:59 AM

((((SOE)))) It's always the worst in the mornings, when the realization starts to slowly sink back in. It will get better with time, and even better with a new relationship--I promise. Have you eaten something yet? I'm guessing you probably don't feel like eating, but it'll help stabalize your blood sugar and you might feel a little better (assuming you haven't eaten). The upside of things--you slept. That's a good sign. Keep hanging in there and keep talking to us, sweetie.

We love you, too.

~EoR

Samantha317

08-27-2005, 12:01 PM

(((((((((SOE)))))))))
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. It will take time and unfortunately the pain won't just go away. It's normal to feel the pain of a loss, but I know that doesn't make it any easier. Try to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied. I wish I could make the pain go away and I am sorry that I can't. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Much love and many heartfelt hugs,
Sam :angel:

Johnsternow

08-27-2005, 03:15 PM

SOE,

I am sooo sorry I have not been around much for you. I’m unfortunately having a rough time right now. I believe anything I would post to you would be as useless as my earlier post. I’m glad there are other special people here to help you at this difficult time right now. I just want you to know that you have become a great friend to me. Another of many persons who without even trying has helped me to get thru some pretty rough days in a different light. Even with your posts to others I have read in the past. I also want you to know that I have and continue to do as promised earlier. I have found an exact minute each hour I’m awake since my previous post that I reflect on your pain and the pain of others here too. That is the hour I still pray for you.

God bless you kind soul.

brokenspirit

08-27-2005, 06:18 PM

SOE,
How are you today? ive been thinking about you today alot . There is a saying time heals all wounds. I know that sounds kinda corney but it will eventually.

I thank God that you are not in a relationship like mine. I have been married for 17 almost 18 years now. I would love to get out of it, but to afraid I guess to leave. I dont have the means to leave either that is a big factor. what struck me the most one of your post someone said there is a book called "Weomen who Love Too Much" I need that book. That advice that they gave you was very good. I know that with me I keep telling myself
well if I love him more or if I do this more and so on then maybe he will love me . It is as if I wait to for him to blow up just so he will pay some kind of attention to me. If he is mad then at least he will yell and scream instead of the silent treatment all the time. No I take that back there never is a silent treatment it is a constant gripe and complaine You need to do this or you stupid your useless, you make me sick. that is what it is like but worse sometimes. then sometimes he is just so loving and compassionate. The way he use to be. But see I cant live in use to be's anymore. No one can.
See you could have ended up like me in this mess but THANK GOD YOU DIDN"T !!! It isnt an easy life. Maybe I do love him too much everyone says that I do. and that No one else could ever love him like I do. But I will tell you this it is so hard to Love someone and Despise them at the same time. I believe that is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life.
I love him so much it hurts, and the thoughts of losing him even if he is abusive to me scares me so much and I believe hurts me more.
I pray that God will ease your pain more and more everyday.

I'm sending you a great big hug.

your friend
cathy

SOE

08-27-2005, 08:28 PM

EoR, John, Sam and Cathy,

Yes it was so painful this morning – and you are right, I have not wanted to eat, in fact, I’ve been physically sick all day. I am so grateful for your prayers and encouragement, because I know you are all going through your own trials and sorrows. I don’t know how you find the energy and strength to help someone like me. My broken heart must seem like such a small problem compared to what you are going through.

I have been through so much in my life, and I find myself surprised at the depth of pain I am feeling for a relationship that was over a long time ago. I know that the 10 years of being numbed by the drugs kept me from grieving properly, but I had no idea that this grief would be so deep, so sharp, so painful.

The sharp ache from this morning has become an overwhelming sadness that weighs me down so heavily I feel I will never rise above it. I’m sure that is not true, but that is what it feels like right now.

I did not know it would be like this. For me, it was yesterday that I was with him – by the time we broke up I was deep into the medication, so it did not seem so bad.

I know he was not right for me, I know he did many thoughtless and cruel things, but I can’t seem to convince my heart right now that this is for the best. Although he is married now, and there is nothing that will change that – even if I wanted that to change it.

It’s hard for me to believe that someone will love me, and will really love me the way I desire, and not the way it was. It’s hard not to hear those words echoing in my head… no one will love you the way I do. It’s like he threw a curse out at me.

But in my sadness, I am so grateful for your support and so very grateful for your prayers. Without you and your prayers, I don’t know how I would get through this.

Thank you for helping me. Thank you for making me feel that it’s okay that I hurt.

I pray for God to bless you all.

SOE

EoR

08-28-2005, 12:48 AM

((((((SOE)))))) Your broken heart is as painful and real to you as anyone elses problems are to them. It's not small or trivial at all. I remember my break-ups, even the ones with guys I look back on now and say, "yuck," and they were awful. I think a person can mourn a break up (when it's unwanted) much in the same way one morns a death. There's this person who is very much a part of your day to day life, and when a break-up happens, you no longer have permission to relate to the person as you've related to them for weeks, months, or years. And when love and intimacy are involved, it's incredibly painful to be denied those feelings. You're experiencing something completely normal. I sincerely hope you think about trying to meet someone. I know you'll be loved again. It took me 9 failed relationships to find the right guy, but all the heartache and heartbreak was well worth it to get to him, and none of those guys hold a candle to my boyfriend. BUT, after some of the break-ups, I felt very much as you're feeling now--like I was completely, utterly, in love with the guy; like nobody would ever love me again; and like I would never love anybody else again. It retrospect, I came to realize that I didn't even love but two of the people I'd been in a relationship with. My last relationship prior to my current boyfriend was the hardest for me to get over. When I did finally come to terms, it was because I started thinking about *why* we broke up. The relationship was ALL wrong. I needed attention, he needed space. Our interests were completely different. He was a self centered piece of... You get the picture. I know you broke up with him, and you may have done it because of outside influences, but it sounds like these things came from people who really cared about you and were looking out for your best interests. They didn't want to see you hurt.

Give it time. It probably won't go away tomorrow, next week, maybe not for a few months--but that heaviness will eventually lift, and when somebody does love you the way you deserve to be loved, you will rise high above it.

Still keeping you in thoughts and prayers. God bless you, too.

Love,

EoR

SOE

08-28-2005, 01:17 AM

Hi EoR,

I'm afraid to go to bed. Last night I went to bed thinking that no matter how bad I felt, it would be a little better in the morning, but instead it was worse.

brokenspirit

08-28-2005, 01:20 AM

Hi soe,
please try to rest I hope you feel better in the morning. Ill say a special one just for you tonight before I go to bed.
lots of love and hugs going just your way
cathy

barbdoll5

08-28-2005, 01:28 AM

:bouncing: you hang in there; i've suffered from Bi-polar disorder; anxiety and depression many years; i'm white/female; from GEORGIA (USA); WHERE ARE YOU FROM!; I'M NEW A CHAT; ARE YOU A FEMALE? JUST RAN ACROSS YOUR MESSAGE THAT YOU COULD USE SOME KIND WORDS ----ON HealthBoards.Com.
(also, do you know where I can find info. and especially other ladies who have been diagnosed with: bilateral neuroforaminal encroachment ; i have been
diagnosed with it; after my doc did an exray --due to numbness in my figures and hand for several months now. hope to hear back from you; (not enough hours in a day --when you have internet, huh? barbdoll5. thank you; hope you are feeling better. i take Zyprexa for bi-polar disorder and now am on small dose of pamelor --along with it! more later - if you wish to discuss OUR depression problems and anything else that you may want to discuss. I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE! :wave:
;) :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing: YOUR FRIEND? barbdoll5 in GA.

SOE

08-28-2005, 02:32 PM

Hi soe,
please try to rest I hope you feel better in the morning. Ill say a special one just for you tonight before I go to bed.
lots of love and hugs going just your way
cathy

Thank you for your special prayer for me. Today I am just surrounded with a deep sadness and depression. I hate feeling like this -- it's a helpless kind of sad because I don't want to feel like this, but I can't seem to stop.

Jennita

08-28-2005, 02:57 PM

I haven't been to the board in awhile, I just saw your post. You poor dear, I really feel for you. The people here have been so wonderful to you and I agree with all they wrote. He did not love you like he should have and there is no reason to think you can't find love someday; many people have done it despite all odds. I'm sorry you lost those 10 years because of those pills. But you are healthy now so things will only get better.

I know the heartbreak, I mean, how it feels I've been there too. It does get better in time but at first it is like someone ran you over with a truck, doesn't it?

I do know what you are feeling. I hope your future brings a wonderful person to share your life with. :angel:

Besides, who knows, when your ex'es marriage starts to get a bit rough perhaps he will cop out on her like he did to you, or just live in an unhappy marriage... so maybe the "happy ending" you have envisioned his life to be won't actually happen anyway! Ok, maybe I'm being bitter here, but I have hear many stories of heartbreak where the person found out years later that the object of their affection ended up more unhappy than they were!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is not true that you can't be just as happy as the next person or find someone, it just so happens that someone isn't going to be who you thought it would be.

It just seems like your ex and his wife are the winners here but as we all know marriage does not always equal happiness and happy ending or there would be no such thing as cheating and divorce. Perhaps his wife won't be there for him when he needs it down the line, what goes around comes around.

So don't be too sad, ok? Don't assume they will have the storybook life while you won't. There is no guarentee they will walk into the sunset at the end of the story. It might be you instead.

I hope you find peace and happiness no matter what happens. :angel:

SOE

08-28-2005, 03:11 PM

Jennita

08-28-2005, 03:43 PM

Thank you Jennita, it is so good to hear from you and I so appreciate your empathy. I'm just so tired of being depressed and struggling to get my physical health back. Sometimes I'm tempted to try another AD, but I know I can't -- I've been through too much to go backwards.

Jennita, what if I get my health back and lose this weight from the ADs, and I'm still depressed? Do you think I would be? I don't want to think I've gone through all this for nothing. I'm so frustrated that I can't get those 10 years back. I hadn't counted on this "awakening" that makes 10 years ago feel like yesterday because I was so numb from the drugs. Did you experience that?

Psychiatry will tell you the original condition always comes back. I know that is not true for everyone. Besides, the original condition's actual cause (which they never seem to find or care to) might not be there anymore after so long.

I think none of us can totally escape depression as life can be quite burdensome and sometimes very disappointing. So there is no guarentees of how we feel. But I suppose we can only try to do what we can for ourselves...sometimes if I'm down about something I'll treat myself to something I like to have, eat or do in the smallest ways because sometimes that's enough. It could be an ice cream, or a new eye shadow, or an extra trip to the gym, or sit down to a favorite movie or go walk around Disneyland for no reason just because I like it there (I live close and have a pass).

Love yourself and take care of yourself isn't all that selfish....people do it all the time.

But for me, getting off medication was the biggest treat of all, I feel so much better I can't describe it. But as you know, I had benzodiazepine protracted withdrawal so it didn't happen for a long time. I can tell you though it's only uphill from here as far as that is concerned.

Now, other issues like your ex can't be helped and what you are feeling is in NO way abnormal or clinical. Love really can hurt to the bone. Time will help. I wish you the best!

Jennita

08-28-2005, 03:52 PM

Oh, I forgot you asked about the awakening part...yeah, I had alot of emotions too, some sad, some from my past and childhood. THat seemed to be replaced by anger over what had been done to me in regards to pills. I guess emotions will run high when the brain is regaining it's own abilities to feel again.

Samantha317

08-29-2005, 08:09 AM

SOE

08-29-2005, 12:44 PM

Good Morning SOE,
I hope you are having a good morning. I just wanted to drop by and let you know that I am still thinking of you and you are still in my prayers. I hope you are starting to feel a little better each day.

Much love and hugs,
Sam :angel:

:wave:

Thanks Sam, I did feel a little bit better this morning, which I am grateful for -- and I am also so very grateful for your kindness and prayers!

I am also keeping you in my prayers Sam.

SOE

SOE

08-29-2005, 02:10 PM

Jennita

08-29-2005, 04:17 PM

So here I am at work, trying to concentrate, but I cannot stop thinking about him, and about where I am at in my life. At least I'm not crying, but I'm having these constant pep talks in my mind telling myself that this is for the best, and there is something better for me out there :rolleyes:

But I have thought, after memory, after thought, constantly streaming through my head.

Needless to say it is difficult to get any work done.

I feel like eventually this is going to wear me down and I'll start crying again, which I have not done yet today.

I so want to be over and done with these emotions.

You know, crying isn't such a bad thing; it is natural and has a purpose!! I guess it might be embarrassing at work, though...well, hope you will feel better soon, it might take awhile. Focus on you, ok?

Have you heard of Happy Bunny? My daughter loves it, it's a little cartoon character of a cute bunny but it usually says some mean and/or self centered stuff. I think it's funny and one of the bunny's sayings I think you should repeat to yourself is: "Let's focus on Me". Time you started doing that because most times nobody else will.

I tell you that cute bunny cracks me up, my daughter has a whole deck of cards with sayings. Here's a few funny ones but it's funnier with the bunny in the picture.

"Let's keep notes on who pisses us off"
"Cute but psycho. things even out"
"School prepares you for the rest of the world, which also sucks"
"Since your'e gross, shouldn't you be smart?"
"I know how you feel. I just don't care"
"Do you suck at everything or just cards?"
"I'm just not listening"

THose are a few of the tame ones. She also has a mint tin with the bunny that says Poison for friends with the Poison word crossed out and mints written in. You have to understand, this bunny is adorable so it's so funny it is so mean it just cracks me up.

SOE

08-29-2005, 04:26 PM

Thanks Jennita -- that bunny sounds cute -- I particularly like the "Focus on Me" thing :D

I'll have to search the internet and see if I can find some pictures of that bunny!

Johnsternow

08-29-2005, 05:20 PM

SOE

08-29-2005, 06:41 PM

Hi SOE, :wave:

Do you ever take your puppy dogs for a nice long walk in the shaded woods or a park or something? :bouncing: O.K. I will feel real stupid if you live in the desert. :rolleyes: Anyway when my heart was broken years ago I would go to my moms house and borrow my old dogs for a few hours. I would take them for a long walk in the woods and it was nice, quiet, shady and cool there. The dogs loved getting out too. It was another thing that helped me thru that miserable ordeal. :D

Hi John,

Unfortunately I do live in a desert, but for fun, my dogs LOVE to play in the sprinklers, and LOVE even more -- to play in the hose. Very unusual I know, but cute. And it is kinda peaceful to see my dogs hang out in the sprinklers. They run through them, lay down, sit in them, and drink out of them.

SOE

Johnsternow

08-29-2005, 06:45 PM

SOE,

I knew it!!! My luck runs like that. Had I told you to put your dogs thru the sprinkler you would live in the woods. LOL! I don’t expect my luck to change even here. LOL!!! I do find it funny that you do find comfort thru hard times with your animals like I did though.

lostangel

08-29-2005, 06:54 PM

((((((((((SOE)))))))))
I know you need hugs and thoughts and prayers... You are in nostalgia about this guy, and apparently it's going to take some time to switch gears... Hang in there... I promise there will be time in your life when he pops in your mind and you'd ask yourself in disbelief, "Why did I ever cry over him?" You'll find the ONE.
Hugs and all things hopeful,
Angel :Angel:

SOE

08-29-2005, 07:28 PM

SOE

08-29-2005, 08:14 PM

There should be a smilie with tears....

lostangel

08-29-2005, 09:10 PM

I agree, SOE... :( and a smilie for hugs...
:angel:

index.html

08-30-2005, 12:48 PM

Hugs, ((((((((SOE))))))), I wish I could help!

SOE

08-30-2005, 12:52 PM

Hugs, ((((((((SOE))))))), I wish I could help!

Thank you! Just saying that helps me!

Johnsternow

08-30-2005, 01:01 PM

((((SOE))))) :wave:

Good morning!!! Just letting you know I’m still here praying for you!!! :angel: Hope it’s not too hot in the desert today. If I thought it would help I would stop by you and run through the sprinklers! :eek: LOL!!! It would look much funnier than your dogs I bet! LOL!!! You might even win a prize on the funniest video program with that one. I’m wishing you a great day!!! :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:

SOE

08-30-2005, 01:04 PM

I'm sitting here working when all of a sudden an old memory comes crashing down on me -- it's like being stabbed in the heart.

I know that some of this is related to my getting off all the medications, but it is kinda of scaring me. When I say that I feel like I've been gone for 10 years and those memories are like yesterday for me .... that feeling is so strong!

I feel as though I've been in a coma and I just woke up... but everyone else in my life has moved on and nothing is the same as it used to be. Like in the movie "Dead Zone" when he wakes up from his coma and finds out his fiance is married with a child....

Do you guys understand what I'm going through?

Samantha317

08-30-2005, 01:26 PM

I don't know exactly what you are going through. I don't even know how to explain what I am going through. It's so easy for other's around me to make comments such as, "Just move on" or "Aren't you over that yet?" It's very confusing and very frustrating to be in the middle of the pain. I find it harder to keep finding any hope of things getting better.

I know my heart goes out to you and I honestly don't know how you have managed to keep a job and go through everything you have in the last year. It does make me wonder if things are going to get even worse when the Effexor gets out of my system.

All I can do is have faith and continue to pray for you.

Love and hugs,
Sam :angel:

Johnsternow

08-30-2005, 01:45 PM

SOE,

I had that happen to me too before. It may not just be from the meds either. You have been going thru some pretty dramatic experiences. I likened it to the movie The Awakening with Robin Williams and Robert DeNero. It helped me to also look at it a little differently though. I have seen it as a new beginning. You know I dreamed something like this last night and maybe it will help. I had a dream I was frustrated with the time I wasted in my life. All my mistakes too. I dreamed of different times and things that had happened to me and some of my regrets. “Maybe a middle age thing for me” LOL!!! All the sudden I was playing with an Etch a sketch. I was working on this picture diligently and it was taking forever. I realize that I’m not an adult but a kid again with little legs and fingers. Next thing I know this thing falls off my lap and on to the floor!!! Like a little kid again I cried and was upset this thing was destroyed now and a waste of time. Next thing I know I pick it up but my lap is of an adult this time. I start using the etch a sketch now and naturally I felt better drawing faster as an adult who is more experienced and does a better faster job this time. I became happy and looked forward to shaking that thing up again afterwards and starting fresh and new. I don’t know why that came to me last night but it helped me.

I hope this helps you a bit too.

SOE

08-30-2005, 04:55 PM

SOE

08-30-2005, 04:57 PM

index.html

08-31-2005, 04:57 AM

Here's hoping that today will be a better day for you!!!

(I know I ask this question alot, SOE, but are you currently in counseling? It might help to talk to someone who does grief work. And maybe support groups? Also, are you taking care of yourself - eating right? taking vitamins? getting some exercise?)

I've never been in your situation, but, unfortunately, I am extremely familiar with overwhelming depression and anxiety. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

I wish I could help.

SOE

08-31-2005, 12:54 PM

Hi Index, yes I am in counseling. I would hate to think of what kind of basket case I would be if I weren't...

I appreciate your support -- it does help!

SOE

index.html

08-31-2005, 03:22 PM

How is today going, SOE?

lostangel

08-31-2005, 03:34 PM

((((((((((((((SOE)))))))))))))
Hope this is a good , soft day for you, dear.
:angel:

SOE

08-31-2005, 04:09 PM

Hi Index and Angel

Thanks for the hugs Angel!!

I am doing better, at least I'm not crying as much :rolleyes:

I still feel so sad though, and I wish I could be done with it and move on. I wonder if my grieving is made worse by the fear that I won't ever find someone to share my life with? Fear of not being loved in that special way?

I have a favorite bible verse that I have been repeating to myself over and over (I'm sure I'm in the millions now...) "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. Plans for good and not evil. To give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

But even so, for whatever reason, I am really grieving this past relationship...

EoR

08-31-2005, 07:27 PM

((((SOE)))) I'm glad you're a little better, and I hope that trend continues for you. You have a future and hope. There will be happy times for you again. These things take time, but they'll fade with time. I know you will be loved again. You're too good not to be loved.

-EoR

SOE

08-31-2005, 07:49 PM

[QUOTE=EoRYou're too good not to be loved.

-EoR[/QUOTE]

As are you, EoR. Thanks for the encouragement. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. I'm sorry to hear that you are down.

(((((EoR))))))

SOE

kerry1

08-31-2005, 08:38 PM

It can take me YEARS to get over a guy who dumps me, even if he's "wrong", or a jerk, or didn't deserve someone as nice as me, or whatever. Tell that to my heart.

I'm sick of people telling me: "Get OVER him!" "Snap out of it." "Move on." "He wasn't worth it." "I'm so GLAD you're not with him anymore! I'm so happy! Yippeeeeee!!!" "I know a really nice guy I should introduce you to." "Find a guy who really cares about you". Yeah, it's all so easy to do. NOT.

I'm telling you - your love is real; so is your pain. He's moving on, but that doesn't mean he's over you. You may realize in time (as I did) that he wouldn't make a good life mate and you're lucky to lose him, but right now?? You are devastated and you shouldn't try to "bypass" that. Don't let your well-meaning friends tell you how to feel about it.

Kori Heusser

08-31-2005, 09:17 PM

SOE

08-31-2005, 11:29 PM

SOE

08-31-2005, 11:36 PM

H
HI
IM NEW TO THIS SO BARE WITH ME I WAS DRAWN TO YOUR MESSAGE BECAUSE OF YOUR (NAME) SICK OF EFFEXOR..... I HAVE BEEN OFF EFFEXOR FOR 8 DAYS NOW AND IM REALLY REALLY SICK AND DIZZY AS IM TYPING THIS BUT WONDERED HOW YOU FELT WHEN YOU STOPPED. I SLOWLY TAPERED OFF AND HAD NO IDEA IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY.. I AM SORRY ABOUT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND AND KNOW YOU'LL BE BETTER WITHOUT HIM. WOULD SINCERELY LIKE TO HEAR FROM YOU ABOUT STOPPING EFFEXOR AND HOW YOU FELT.
THANKS
KORI

Hi Kori,

It took me 10 months to taper off of Effexor. I had to go that slow in order to keep the vertigo at tolerable levels. If you go to fast, you may feel pretty dizzy, nausea, vertigo, etc... one of the things that helped me was Benedryl -- I don't know why, but it does tend to help with the Vertigo. Another thing if you can get a prescription, is Compazine. It helps with nausea. I've been off 11-1/2 months now. It can be done, you just need to go slow.

Good luck.

SOE

Johnsternow

09-01-2005, 09:43 AM

(((((SOE))))) :wave:

Just wishing you a good morning!!!

I’m hoping you have a GREAT DAY TODAY!!!! :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:

SOE

09-01-2005, 12:36 PM

(((((SOE))))) :wave:

Just wishing you a good morning!!!

I’m hoping you have a GREAT DAY TODAY!!!! :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:

Good morning John :wave:

You are so faithful. I appreciate your friendship and that you stop by to encourage me no matter what is going on in your own life.

You are very special! ((((((((((((((((((((John)))))))))))))))) )))

SOE

s1980

09-01-2005, 02:19 PM

hi there,
Just thought I'd say hello to you, it is a real tough one getting over a broken heart, if I knew a way to do it overnight I'd let you know, but no, it hurt like hell for a long time and that's why I'm thinking of you at the moment.

I have found one thing though, that when the time comes you will find someone new who will make you very happy. When I was terribly heartbroken over my ex, I felt I would never feel happiness like that again. I felt like that a long time but then of course life proved me wrong. I have gone on to find someone who makes me happy - more happy than I could ever imagine. I believe that one day that will happen for you too - life has a million surprises for us all and I have found that I have been wrong about many things along the way.

Good luck, treat yourself kindly,
all the best

Jennita

09-01-2005, 03:00 PM

SOE, hope you are feeling a bit better today. Say, isn't one of the stages of loss anger? How about making a voodoo doll of your ex for starters... :D

Johnsternow

09-01-2005, 03:09 PM

SOE

09-01-2005, 03:26 PM

hi there,
I have found one thing though, that when the time comes you will find someone new who will make you very happy. When I was terribly heartbroken over my ex, I felt I would never feel happiness like that again. I felt like that a long time but then of course life proved me wrong. I have gone on to find someone who makes me happy - more happy than I could ever imagine. I believe that one day that will happen for you too - life has a million surprises for us all and I have found that I have been wrong about many things along the way.

Good luck, treat yourself kindly,
all the best

Thank you -- from your lips to God's ears... I too have definately been wrong about lots of things... I'm really at a point in my life where I would like something to go well, for things to be easier -- at least ocassionally.

Thanks for thinking of me!

SOE

SOE

09-01-2005, 03:28 PM

SOE, hope you are feeling a bit better today. Say, isn't one of the stages of loss anger? How about making a voodoo doll of your ex for starters... :D

:D Good one... I think I will be glad when the anger stage of this grief gets here! Thanks for checking up on me... your support means a lot to me!

SOE

SOE

09-01-2005, 03:35 PM

Hi (((((SOE))))) :wave:

I tell you, you were the answer to my prayers today!!! While I was out I prayed that someone would come here today and feel a little bit better. :angel: This place is like a ghost town lately, you know what I mean?. I went out to do some things. I hurt my back even worse, burned my hand and got scratched up by a rose bush. :( I thought please God let someone be out there today that is feeling better. You were my answered prayer!!!

Yes it has been very quiet. I’m sorry about your back and your hand – and the darned rose bush!

Hi (((((SOE)))))

Thank you for spreading your love and concern around for all our friends even after your rough week. :)

John, you are an inspiration the way you cheer everyone on in spite of what is going on in your own life. :angel:

Hi (((((SOE))))) :wave:

By the way!!! Your welcome to the party anytime!!! The door is always open for you!!! What kind of treats do you want me to keep on hand for you? :bouncing:

I like pizza and M&Ms (not necessarily at the same time). Since it’s a pretend party, I can pretend to eat the things I love!

Thank you for being there for me! :D

Johnsternow

09-01-2005, 03:40 PM

Oh I see!!! :D

So I can get the pillow sized bag of plain and one with the peanuts too then!!! LOL!!! :)

Thanks so much you are GREAT!!! :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:

SOE

09-01-2005, 03:44 PM

I do feel a little better, but mostly because I am getting a little better at not thinking about it as much -- I'm literally chasing it out of my mind all the time. I'm a little concerned about how I will do over the weekend... As Jennita pointed out, I am probably due for an anger stage, which I think I would prefer to this sadness.

Johnsternow

09-01-2005, 03:55 PM

OOOH OOOH OOOH!!! :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:

I almost forgot to tell you something! I went out to the store to pick up a few things yesterday and I seen some Halloween candy in the aisle. They had those silly peanut butter candies “Mary Jane's”. I remember hating them as a kid. Anyway I told you about my dogs years ago. They inhaled food so fast they never knew what it tasted like. One day I gave them some of them. You know how they stick to your mouth forever? :eek: Once I gave them that. THEY LOST THEIR MINDS FOR THEM THINGS!!! I never laughed so hard as I did when I seen them react to the bag of them things and how crazy their tongs went trying to get it out!!! I don’t know I was thinking of that so I picked up a bag then remembered my STUPID comment to you about a walk in the woods. :D LOL!!!

SOE

09-01-2005, 04:20 PM

Johnsternow

09-01-2005, 08:10 PM

SOE,

What is going on here? I leave for a wile and all heck is breaking out. How about I start up the grill and we start a Barbeque? Maybe people will show up when they see all the fun we are having!!! What do you have a taste for?

Johnsternow

09-01-2005, 08:11 PM

O.K. I’m starting with fresh picked veggies. I have a few green peppers and some onions for starters. Should I sauté these puppies up or what????

SOE

09-01-2005, 08:13 PM

Hi John,

Can you bbq a pizza? hehehe Also that salami sandwich you keep talking about sounds good. But you can never go wrong with a good bbq'd hot dog. And I love a good potatoe salad -- I'll throw one together while you bbq.

Should we have the party here or start a party place?

SOE

Johnsternow

09-01-2005, 08:14 PM

I have a pretty big yard. We can also go swimming and I’m setting up the net for volleyball and bad mitten!!!!

I’m looking for some suggestions here.

SOE

09-01-2005, 08:14 PM

Yummmmmm, sauteed onions!!!!! :bouncing: :bouncing:

Johnsternow

09-01-2005, 08:15 PM

Lets start a new one!!! GREAT IDEA!!!!

SOE

09-01-2005, 08:15 PM

Got a croquet set?

Johnsternow

09-01-2005, 08:16 PM

YUUUUMMY!!!!!!!!! Your potato salad sounds to die for!!!!!!! :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:

SOE

09-01-2005, 08:16 PM

Lets start a new one!!! GREAT IDEA!!!!

Ok, I'll follow you over....

Johnsternow

09-01-2005, 08:17 PM

Yes I do and horse shoes too!!! Still looking for an illegal set of lawn jarts though. Remember those?? The ones that had the sharp points that got your feet? LOL!!!

Johnsternow

09-02-2005, 10:02 AM

(((((SOE))))) :wave:

GOODMORNING!!! :bouncing:

Hey I want you to know I have been working on an Excel spread sheet for that road trip to Maine? Well I figured with the new increase in fuel prices were looking at around $50,000.oo in fuel round trip. :eek: LOL!!! Maybe we can get some of our friends to pitch in for gas? :D LOL!!!

Hope you have a great day dear!!! :bouncing:

P.S. Don’t forget to leave a trail of breadcrumbs when you go deep into the woods today, and no nibbling on any life sized gingerbread houses either. LOL!!! :D

Johnsternow

09-02-2005, 04:35 PM

I've been waiting to here from my good friend SOE today!!! :) I’m sure if I’m patient she will come by and say hi. :wave: She already missed breakfast and lunch. Should I dare hope for dinner??? :confused:

Love you friend!
Hope your having a GREAT DAY!!!!

SOE

09-02-2005, 06:46 PM

Hi John! Can you believe I had to work through breakfast and lunch! What's up with that? It's so nice to see you here -- I can only stay for a few minutes, then I hope to be back this evening. Any parties planned? That was fun last night!

I'm started to get a little weekend depression going (more time to think), but I think I will do better than I did last weekend.

I'm glad you are here John!

love you!

(((((John)))))

SOE

Johnsternow

09-02-2005, 09:01 PM

(((((SOE)))))) :wave:

What’s this? Working thru breakfast and lunch??? :nono: You seem like a very busy person. Maybe we should form a labor union where you work. LOL!!! Boy I hope I can plan a couple parties!!! Too bad about the fuel cost. We could take a long holiday weekend up to Maine and get us some of that lobster served on some deck right off the ocean!!! Could you imagine? Quiet sea breeze with the sound of waves coming ashore. Probably some antique candles flickering, and some cheep imitation tiki bar. All is nice until that real bad piano player shows up and keeps singing a real bad imitation of The Love Boat. HA HA LOL!!! I throw a tip in his glass if he promises to leave. He seems a bit offended but hey he is upsetting all the customers. HE HE!!!

Dare I bring up the dogs again??? :D You could take them out on the beach and let them run up and down the shore in the water. It would be like a super duper sprinkler for them. ;)

I’m glad you’re here SOE! :bouncing:

Love you too!!!

God Bless you dear. :angel:

SOE

09-02-2005, 09:39 PM

We could take a long holiday weekend up to Maine and get us some of that lobster served on some deck right off the ocean!!! Could you imagine? Quiet sea breeze with the sound of waves coming ashore. Probably some antique candles flickering, and some cheep imitation tiki bar.

:wave: Boy does that sound good. I would even take the bad piano player if I could have the rest, along with my friends sitting next to me. Wow. What an awesome picture that is.

Maybe I could even sneak the dogs over. I have a feeling they would just love to play in the water and dig in the sand!

What a nice dream, thanks John! :bouncing:

For you: :angel:

Samantha317

09-03-2005, 09:51 AM

Hi SOE :wave:
I hope you are getting some much needed rest this morning and sleeping in. I just wanted to drop by and let you know, I am thinking about you and continuing to keep you in my prayers.

Love and hugs,
Sam :angel:

SOE

09-03-2005, 12:35 PM

Hi Sam, thanks for checking up on me.

I'm not doing well at all today. I had a dream about him last night and it has covered me in pain all over again.

It's as though I was just with him and now he's not here. I hate dreams for that reason. They feel so real, but then you wake up and you are in exactly the same place you were before.

I don't want to hurt anymore and here I am crying all over again.

:(

I know this does not sound like much of a problem to some people, but this is on top of a really horrific life-changing event 3 years ago that I still cannot talk about. One that changed my life forever and caused me more pain and heartbreak than I could ever have imagined, along with physical losses... only a handful of people know what happened -- and even they do not know all the details.

My ex getting married I think represents one more loss, on top of the fact that 10 years of ADs put me in an emotional coma and it's as if I just woke up -- so before ADs I was with my ex, and pretty happy and then things went bad from there. So my memories of him feel like yesterday -- even though they are not.

I wonder if this makes any sense at all to people reading this?

Johnsternow

09-03-2005, 02:21 PM

(((((SOE)))))!!!!!

NOT YOU TOO!!!

Oh SOE it’s O.K. to dream dear. Some are bad and some are good. Some happen when we are sleeping and some wile we are awake. I have shared some of my dreams with you and you have shared some of yours with me. I love your dreams SOE! Good bad and everything in between. I also appreciate you and all you have done for me as others. Go ahead and FEEL bad SOE. Never forget to mix it up once and a wile too though. FEEL good too. And all the other feelings. Bad is bad no doubt. But you do feel. How much better will you feel when it turns around again???!!! I dream and pray and hope for you. I am so proud of you as I know others here are too. Dream your dreams. Good and bad but never stop dreaming! Never stop hoping! I feel it in my soul. Soon you will find them good dreams too. You will LAY IT DOWN!!!

God bless and Love you dear

EoR

09-03-2005, 02:34 PM

It makes perfect sense to me. Dreams are such powerful reminders of loss. I hate dreaming about people, that when I wake up, are truly gone. I think I understand how you feel, but I don't want to be presumptuous. I've been through break-ups, and it IS okay to feel the way that you do, and I won't tell you to "get over it," or "move on." That's totally insensitive. However, I will tell you from experience that some of my losses have been honest blessings. For example, I have miscarried, too. At the time, my heart was broken--my soul was shattered... All I could think about was how much I loved that child and how unfair it was that it was taken from me. I was sure God was punishing me. It turned out that the man I was to have a baby with fell out of love with me about 7 months later (I was 2 months pregnant when I miscarried) and he left me in the blink of an eye. Had I still been pregnant, either A) he would've left me anyway, and I would've been a single mother trying to raise a child on little income, or B) he would've stayed with me out of obligation, and I would've been stuck in a relationship with a man who did not love me. While, yes, I still mourn the loss, I also can see how things worked out for the best. I know in the crux of the pain it's hard to see why God chooses to take the people/objects away from us that he does, but for me, time has always brought me the answers, and I believe that you will someday look back and see why this man was not meant to be a long term part of your life.

My Mother was my greatest loss, and I miss her dearly. I like to imagine that if she were still alive today, that she'd be the one person who could understand my depression and she'd be rock me on her lap and give me the all the love and acceptance that I so desperately craved as a child. However, the reality is, is that my Mother was very, very mentally ill. She didn't have any concept of self. She suffered enormously. I have to try to find comfort that my Mother is not only at peace, but that her spirit still resides, free of the insanity that she was bound to in life. I have to accept that the life I imagine I would've had, had my mother not killed herself, would realistically not be the life I always wished it to be. Once again, maybe, in a way, the loss was for the best?

I hope *I* make sense. Once again, I'm not telling you that what you feel is wrong or that you shouldn't feel it. A break up is very painful, and healing will take time. I am trying to impart optimism for your future, and help you to feel that maybe someday you can look back at this particular loss and see how it was a blessing.

As for your loss of 3 years ago, though I'm not aware, I am deeply sorry for the pain it has caused you. I hope someday you are able to talk about it to somebody in depth, as it can become a part of your healing process. I have had some pretty pressing things on my chest that only my boyfriend has known for years, and just about a week ago, I finally put my trust in another enough to share some of those things with her, and it was such an incredilble relief to me. Maybe it's part of why your answer could never be found in a pill.

I wish you all the best, and I sincerely hope I haven't come off the wrong way. I promise, I only have the best of intentions, and if I need to be a "well meaning friend" that you shouldn't listen to, I completely understand.

Lots of love to a brave and courageous woman,

EoR

Samantha317

09-03-2005, 08:09 PM

(((((((SOE)))))))
I had a feeling that you were having a rough day. I guess the Holy Spirit impressed upon me to pray for you. It was early this morning, so know, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I don't know the pain you are feeling. I don't know what it is that is hurting you so, that you can't even share. Sweetie, it's ok, it will be ok. It's never easy to lose, whether it be a loved one, a home, a lifetime, a dream, etc. You have to grieve and grief hurts, it hurts to the point of needing it to just stop and let you have some peace, some relief. It will get better, it will take time. I don't know if I am even making any sense. I hope you can find some kind of comfort in knowing that I love you and so hate for you to be in pain. Your smile and understanding make me want to believe it's possible to go on again, so I hope I can return that to you. I am sending you many heartfelt healing hugs, love and prayers.

Love,
Sam :angel:

sgt207

09-03-2005, 11:07 PM

Hang in there!

Johnsternow

09-03-2005, 11:35 PM

Hi (((((SOE))))) :wave:

I tell you, you were the answer to my prayers today!!! While I was out I prayed that someone would come here today and feel a little bit better. :angel: This place is like a ghost town lately, you know what I mean?. I went out to do some things. I hurt my back even worse, burned my hand and got scratched up by a rose bush. :( I thought please God let someone be out there today that is feeling better. You were my answered prayer!!! :D

Thank you for spreading your love and concern around for all our friends even after your rough week. :)

By the way!!! Your welcome to the party anytime!!! The door is always open for you!!! What kind of treats do you want me to keep on hand for you?

(((((SOE)))))

My day took a turn back for the better this afternoon. I pray the same for you too soon. I still don’t feel whole. You are missing and we still need you as the precious gem you are!!!

I went to one of the Super ******mart’s today. I went to the deli and noticed potato salad was on sale! I walked the aisle and low and behold what do I see!!! A humongous tank of Live Lobsters!!! I am not making this up! Even if I tried God won’t let me get you off my mind, “divine intervention?” Maybe, so I’m trying again! I will even make the potato salad this time. I know it won’t be as good as yours though.

God Bless you SOE and please come back to us soon!!!

Here, I saved you some Green M&Ms :bouncing: :bouncing: :bouncing:

mom'o'5

09-04-2005, 01:49 AM

I'm so sorry you have to agonize over this. The loss of a love is just like a death in the family. It is hard and painful, but that which does not kill you makes you stronger! I know that has been said a million times before, but, I definately know how true it is. Just as well, God will not put on you more than you can bear. Everything happens for a reason, so I have learned, and someday you will come out on top and realize this was for the better, and it will seem like such an insignificant faded memory. It's hard to see that now, but someday soon, you will wonder why you ever lost sleep over it. This is what gets me through the hard times; "It ain't gonna matter a hundred years from now"! I say that to myself on my sleepless nights. Works for me!!! Hope you feel better soon.

Johnsternow

09-04-2005, 08:43 AM

((((((((((SOE))))))))))))

GOODMORNING!!!!

I’m out making the rounds this morning as usual. I hope you have a much better day. Just reminding you that you’re in my thoughts and prayers :angel:

Love ya!!! :D

brokenspirit

09-04-2005, 04:33 PM

(((((((SOE))))))
Have a beautiful day today

love and hugs
cathy

Samantha317

09-05-2005, 01:49 AM

Hi SOE :wave:
I have missed you this weekend. I hope you are taking special care of yourself and even having some fun. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I Love You!
Sam :angel:

SOE

09-05-2005, 07:00 PM

John, Sam, Eor, Cathy, Sgt, Gwenatron and Mom05,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and encouragement. This was a tough weekend for me. I so appreciate your prayers especially because I am sure God hears you. John has Lobsters and potatoe salad reminding him to pray for me and Sam gets tapped on the shoulder by the Holy Spirit. Thank you all for listening and praying.

Saturday was the first day that I actually wanted to go back on ADs just so I could numb the pain. I actually wanted that "zombie" effect I have complained so much about. Sept. 16th will be one year since I've been completely off the ADs. I have read that it could take me up to 2 years to really feel better and not have any more of the physical side effects. But I was not prepared for the emotional side effects -- the emotional pain that I now have to go through again -- emotional pain I thought I had already felt and dealt with -- because off all the ADs, feels so different. As I said before, it feels like I was in a coma for 10 years, now memories and hurts, all feel fresh and new. It's almost like starting over as far as trying to heal goes. It certainly doesn't help to have dreams rubbing my nose in things.

I'm really tired, emotionally and physically.

Let me just say for the record, this sucks.

Thank you for being here for me.

lostangel

09-05-2005, 08:28 PM

Dear SOE,

I admire you for fighting this battle without the help of ADs... It is so brave of you... Your pain is very acute now, but it will pass, my dear, please don't let it cut you.

We are here for you, to pray and to hope, and to cheer you when you need to be lifted.

Love and hugs,
Angel :angel:

SOE

09-05-2005, 08:32 PM

Thank you Angel... I truly thank you because I so need the prayers and support. I don't feel brave, just desperate to find the path to healing, once and for all. I don't want to go through the rest of my life in this state.

Thank you for helping me. (((((Angel)))))

SOE

lostangel

09-05-2005, 08:34 PM

Dear SOE,

You may not feel brave, but, in my book, you are a real hero.
((((((((((((( SOE )))))))))))))))
The day will come, and you'll find happiness.

:angel:

Samantha317

09-05-2005, 08:35 PM

(((((((SOE)))))))
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I wish I could take all of your pain away. I don't know what to say about the AD's. I have a hard enough time dealing with the pain on them, I don't think I want to find out what the pain is like off of them. I do know you are a very brave and courageous woman. I admire your strength and always have. Hang in there sweetie. Lean on us as long as you need to. I love you!

Hugs and prayers,
Sam :angel:

SOE

09-05-2005, 08:37 PM

The day will come, and you'll find happiness.

Angel,

I pray that is true. For me and for everyone on this board.

Thank you! An angel for you, :angel:

SOE

lostangel

09-05-2005, 08:39 PM

:) SOE, make it an angel and a bowl of your famous potato salad! :bouncing:
(I promise to pay attention which one I'm eating! :) )

SOE

09-05-2005, 08:46 PM

:) SOE, make it an angel and a bowl of your famous potato salad! :bouncing:
(I promise to pay attention which one I'm eating! :) )

I just happen to have a big batch right here -- it's all yours!

SOE

09-05-2005, 09:51 PM

Saturday was the first day that I actually wanted to go back on ADs just so I could numb the pain. I actually wanted that "zombie" effect I have complained so much about. Sept. 16th will be one year since I've been completely off the ADs. I have read that it could take me up to 2 years to really feel better and not have any more of the physical side effects. But I was not prepared for the emotional side effects -- the emotional pain that I now have to go through again -- emotional pain I thought I had already felt and dealt with -- because off all the ADs, feels so different. As I said before, it feels like I was in a coma for 10 years, now memories and hurts, all feel fresh and new. It's almost like starting over as far as trying to heal goes. It certainly doesn't help to have dreams rubbing my nose in things.

I'm really tired, emotionally and physically.

Let me just say for the record, this sucks.

Coincidence? In addition to the bad dreams Friday night, Saturday was the 4th day without sugar for me. Of course after a night of those dreams, and being an emotional wreck... I went right back to the sugar.

Bu