sorry about the post and the name changed, i hope you remember me. my night in shining armor. and my princess' in shining stockings. I might get banned again but thats ok I hope you all get to read this and know that I am ok. just had a little bout with some massive problems last night and got kicked off here, I guess I should have watched what I said anyway I'm sorry. you all take care of yourselves incase I get banned again.
lots of love and hugs to all of you . dont be stupid like me and try to do the deed that I did last night. i'm sorry again. I guess I have greater issues than I thought. and I really need to be put somewhere where I wont hurt myself again. or try to hurt myself. I hope you understand. bye.
cathy

I've been worried about you since I read the post yesterday. I'm glad you're ok. Please take your kids and get out of your situation!

i wish I could but right now after last night james is the only thing that I have left. when push comes to shove I guess you could say he is my cornner. its alright for him to talk to me that way but dont let anyone else. I'll be alright. I really do just wish I could run away and hide from the world. but that wont help. I told him this morning I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. but he answered me what good would that do. it really made me think. you know not all the problems are his fault it is mine too. and I guess the only way through this is for us to try to help each other. my kids wont leave. I dont know who turned in my post but in a way i am glad they did. at least im still living. oh well I guess god wasnt ready for me yet. I just have to learn how to deal with these things. I told james that I was sick of being a door mat. people when they need you then your alright but when they dont need you anymore then all they do is wipe their feet on you and forget about you. I guess that is the way life is suppose to be. You know I wouldnt know how to act to actually have someone in this life that does love me the way your suppose to be loved so i might as well get use to the way things are and forget it. it really doesnt matter. if you talk to john and sam and eor and all of them please tell them that I am ok. thanks alot for caring

Cathy,
Don't get used to being treated like that! You deserve better. Maybe you could look into social services in your town. What you are experiencing is emotional and verbal abuse. You don't deserve it! What happened yesterday? Did you call 911 like we told you to? I'm glad you're ok, you said yourself you're glad someone turned in your post. You didn't want to die. The emotional state you're in right now isn't really "living", you're existing. Please do something to make yourself feel better so you can live again. How about riding a bike or some type of exercize? I know that's not the solution, but you need to start somewhere.

I know that I didnt see anyones posts. I posted and I went to bed with prince valu** I just needed to get away from everone. so I went to bed at 5:30 yesterday evening and didnt get up until 6:30 to get my girls off to school. to be honest I didnt care if I ever woke up but I did. when james came home from work last night he came in the room and played nintendo and I didnt even wake up I was out of it. I am still sleepy. and it is almost 1:30 p.m. well rose dear I have got to go and start supper I try to have it done when the girls get home from school. I will talk to you later. dont worry im alright now. thanks so much for caring.

I'm glad you're okay. (((((((((((((((Cathy))))))))))) I'm speechless. I didn't see your post from last night, but I can figure out what happened. :( I'm sorry you're feeling so sad.

I think you and James should have a good heart to heart. I wish I knew more of the back story so I could help more. Hang in there, sweetie. You have friends here and we love you.

((((((((Cathy))))))))))

Lots of love,

EoR

Cathy... I'm so glad you are back on here. You have scared me so much yesterday. Please don't ever go that way again. Do you know what it feels like to read a post like yours and have no idea where to run or where to send an ambulance? All we could do is pray and hope.
hugs,
Angel :angel:

Hi Cathy :wave:
I am glad you are still with us. You do need to get some professional help. I know you don't see the need for it but your girls need a mother. When, I saw your post, all I could do was pray. I hoped it wasn't too late. I felt I had failed you for not saying the right thing. You are very wrong about the way you live in NOT the way you should be treated. NO ONE DESERVES THAT TREATMENT!

(((((((((((Cathy)))))))))

Much love and continued prayers,
Sam :angel:

Cathy,

You scared us all!!! I prayed for hours for you and your family last night. Something told me you were O.K. I feel blessed that you are! Please don’t do this EVER AGAIN. Many of us including myself have such a rough time dealing with this. We all understand and care too much!

I am so glad that you see one thing. As I said in the past your problems are not just yours but I sense them affecting your whole family. I don’t know the real answer. Should you stay or should you go??? That is no ones but your decision. I feel and see your whole families problems and pains! Please don’t misunderstand. That does not constitute staying or leaving either. Yet I sensed all along some very strong feelings on everyone’s part. This thing is no ones fault but is everyone’s fault too. You all live it and you all feel it. You are all affected! Regardless what happens I continually pray not just for you but James and the girls as well.

God Bless and welcome back!

P.S. Please never do that to us again O.K?

sam thanks, i do need profesional help i know that i have known that for a long time now. im not trying to hide anything. this tme it wasnt james' fault. i cant go into details about it. but lets just say this time he was the only and i mean only thing that kept me going. yes i did try but with no avail. now today i have had some of the awlfulest chest pains I have ever had in my life. oh well i guess it is side effects from all the vall*m that i took last night. I slept from right after I posted till almost 7 this morning. so about 14 hours. and I could still sleep but i have make myself stay awake alot of coffee!!! trying to stay busy around the house today I even went out and worked on the stupid lawn mower so I could try to stay awake. boy I emaild my sister in law and I let her have it too. I dont really care anymore. I didnt bawl her out or anything I just told her what was what. just because she had a bad day didnt meant she could take it out on me

Hello Brokenspirit,

I am so glad to hear from you today. I have been depressed all day, due to the post lastnight.

I really feel for you. You know, girl, we have a lot in common. How I wish I could help you more than just these words. I'm at work and that is where I always get on, so I have to get off quickly sometimes. I also have been gone for a week, and when I got on at my boyfriends, I read one of your post. I tried to talk to you, but it asked me my password and I didn't remember it. I could have kicked myself, as I wanted to talk to you so badly.

How I'd love to take you under my wing as a sister and help you. I'd buy you some clothes since you haven't had anything for a while, I'd take you out to eat, and we could have a real heart to heart talk for several hours.

I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I am so glad you are o.k. I have worried about you all day and prayed for you last night and today. My Father in Heaven knows I've been concerned about you. That is why you are here today.

I am so relieved to read your words. I don't even live that far from you. A few measly states away.

Take care of yourself. Eat right. Get out into the bright sunshine, girl. I hope I'll be able to right more in the future, as I am trying to get cable at my house. I can't afford it though, so it may not be for long, unless I can find more part-time work. My fulltime job also ends in about 10 months, so I've got to get on the ball right before it ends.

Once again, Brokenspirit, we are all broken at one time or another. You have many friends here, of which I am at the top of the list.

I don't think I told you that my daughter moved out of the house at age 14 to live with her dad. This lasted a year, and was very hard for me. After that, she moved back in with me and stayed there. She is now married with 2 beautiful children, and told me a few days ago that I was better off than who he married. She has seen him hit her before. He used to hit me.

I know your husband doesn't hit you. Be thankful for that! I am just saying that sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. I am hoping that your family will rally around you now, realizing how blessed they are to still have you, and your situation will steadily improve.

I will be praying for you, my sister and friend, that you will get stronger and happier, and that your family will show their love for you in many ways.

Be looking for them.

Your Friend,

Jecca1

I can't find my post to you, don't know where it went. Hope you can find it. I am so glad to hear from you. I have been so worried! You just have no idea how depressed I've been today. It is so good to read your post today. It is a Godsend. I've been praying for you. So glad God answered.

You mean an awful lot to me. Don't you ever forget it.

Love,

Jecca1

P.S. I haven't gotten the hang yet of how to find certain posts, or how to post new ones. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually.

Well, I guess that whole post was erased, or not, I dunno, couldn't find it, but anyways, that's way besides the point. I don't know all the details or any of that, but from what I've read in here, I am very glad to hear that you're ok and that you're here with us. Keep thinking positive and keep your head up. Know that things aren't always perfect, actually they never are, for anyone on earth, there's ups and downs, good days and bad days, and we all have to somehow accept that and deal with it the best we can.

Don't let it consume you, and I know you can do it. I have faith! :angel:

Well, just wanted to say hello, and glad to hear you're doing okay. Keep the faith, and keep walking tall, keep waking up to a brand new day! :wave:

Sincerely.......

yep they erased every one of them oh well. Jecca im doing better today. In alot of pain with my back but I m better. I hope you are doing good today. thanks everyone for being my friends. I really need them. I need you all more than you probably will ever know.

I'm sorry to hear about your back, but I'm glad to hear that you're doing better, otherwise. I hope the trend continues to be upward for you. Happy Friday. :)

Love,

EoR

Broken Spirit i truly undersatnd your pain. But what u did last night was cruel. It caused a lot of wonderful ppl worry. I am glad u are alright and hope that you getr the help u need.

I also am in a marriage that is destoying my dignity and my self worth. I can see no way out and want to sleep away the hours just to find relief from the pain. I have no where to go either and it makes me feel so trapped an d alone.

Be well and keep coming here to your friends for support. But if u feeel the way u did last night 911 is the place to call. We can't help u and it hurts us.

Cathy, am so glad you're back with us, I haven't been one of your regular correspondants but from what I know of you I know enough to know that no-one wants you too leave us. Your last post scared me so much, we're all fighting the same deamon, and when one of us goes down we all want to help, especially when it's someone like you.
I'm glad you did post, I'm glad that you feel there is something on this board worth hanging on to, and all the fantastic people i salute for everything they say. I'm sure we'd all rather worry than have you disappear.
Please, get help, look after yourself, I'm so, so sorry you had to feel that way.
Big hugs, keep climbing back.
xxxxx

my dearest flinch, :wave:
only the people on here know how much this darkness can ruin a life . I didn't mean to worry anyone, I just got fed up with life and everything else and I couldn't take anymore.I'm still not 100% but I am working my way to that. I'd say at least I am maybe 30% if that but I am trying. I'm still holding on Thanks be to God, cause he is the one that stopped it. If people only knew everything, :nono: things I just can't talk about on here :nono: . Things that I don't tell anyone, things that are hid behind locked doors that I am just to afraid to open, because if I let them out I guess I would completely lose it :eek: . I could tell people things that would make your hair stand up on its end, things that have happened in my life and demons that I am trying to fight everyday. But see I ve been going about it the wrong way I cant fight them only God can, How can you fight something that you can't see. You can feel it as it trys to take over your mind but how can we fight it alone, we cant.
Again I appoligize to everyone on the board who was worried about me. I am truely sorry from the bottom of my heart I am.
thanks again flinch
cathy

I hope you are better tomorrow. No chest pain or back pain.

Keep looking up. I'm here for you.

I'll write more tomorrow if I can.

Jecca1

Hi Jecca,
im still here still in pain but not as bad today . I just have bouts with my heart and all this stupid stress isnt helping matters any. I'll be alright though.
How are you? I hope you are haveing a great day today.
love , hugs and lots of prayers for everyone
cathy

Hi Brokenspirit,

I was hoping to hear from you today. I am concerned about your chest pain. I hope it gets better each day. Look for ways to relieve the stress, although I know that's not the whole problem. I hope no damage has occurred. Can you see a Doctor? Also is your back pain related to your other health problems? I don't know how serious your health problems are right now, but I do hope everything is being done that can be done.

It was good to hear that your husband came through for you when you needed him. He has just made it to the next rung on the ladder in my book. I am thankful that he supported you at this crucial time. I am also glad that you set the record straight for his sister. Sometimes a good airing out is what's needed. It seems like people will often run over you when you don't stand up for yourself. You did the right thing, and that took some guts and pride. Keep it up! You even did it in a nice way, not ugly.

Does you family know and realize the whole situation, and how they need to support you right now and give you more love, concern, and help around the house? I hope they will all be there for you in a big way.

You have decided to stay where you are and make the most of it. I understand that and I understand your reasons. I pray for your strength from above. I'm glad you realize that's where our help comes from. Please don't give up. Pray and read your bible for an hour or more a day and watch for changes in your family and yourself. Thank God each time you see a change for the better.

You talked about your demons, your past, and the things you fight daily. You have had a hellish past. I can't even imagine the effects that would have on me. We have a lot in common as you said pertaining to our marriages, but my childhood was 100% different from yours.

I feel that the Lord has brought us together on this board though. Something you said in your post to flinch is exactly something I have said. No one can understand what it is like to battle the devil himself. He is an evil spirit and how do you physically fight that? Only God can, was your answer. That is exactly right.

I'll tell you a little something that you may or may not find hard to believe. My ex was called to be a preacher when I met him. We were introduced, then I didn't see him for a year. During that year, God put him on my heart to pray for him. I was only 18. My ex had not made a huge impression on me, so I couldn't remember his name. I prayed for a year for "that sandy haired boy and whatever his problem is". My aunt had introduced us, so occasionally I would ask how he was. One time she said "he's fine, he's engaged". I thought I could stop praying for him because whatever the need was, it must have passed. I stopped. God put him on my heart again. So I prayed again until I met him later.

We started dating, but I wouldn't tell him about it, because I didn't want him to think I was making it up to get close to him (like a set up). After we were engaged, I told him and he said that one night he and his fiance were sitting in church and they both saw a big hand make a wide swoop. After church, he talked to her about it. They had both seen it. They both knew that if he married her, God would take her life. This was going on during the time I was praying for him, not knowing why and not even knowing his name.

I knew it was God's will for me to marry him. Our marriage was good for a while, especially while we were doing God's will. He was suppose to be a preacher, but only did that part-time for about a year. It later got rocky as he became more self-centered, and years later we divorced.

I never would have been the one to leave him, no matter what he did. I felt it was my place to stand by him, no matter what. I was suppose to be his helpmeat. Who else could be that to him? It was my place. God had already shown him not to marry the other girl, and God had put me in the right place at the right time. It was God's will for us to be together for life.

When my ex started entertaining ideas about another love, after 19 years of marriage, of course it broke my heart. What he was doing was wrong, and I let our children know it.

The fault was also mine. Since our marriage had been less than fulfilling for the last several years before the divorce, I had been fantasizing. Not filthy or not real filthy, but as an escape. I wanted to feel loved by someone in the way I thought it should be, so I invented the perfect mate in my mind. I never would have done this is person, in real life, but I didn't see the harm, in my mind.

After I had done this for a while, I had this spiritual feeling come over me that was like I was being told something bad would happen now. It was the Holy Spirit letting me know that I had brought this on myself, and now it must run it's course. I had crossed a boundary. I did not realize that fantasies were being taken seriously by God.

It was after this that our marriage began to crumble. My ex was dealing with demons of his own. He stayed up at night, couldn't sleep. He started drinking, which he had never done. I asked what was wrong, and he said that it didn't seem like one thing, it seemed like clusters of things. He did not get rest until he gave in to it. He used to tell me that if he ever cheated on me, he didn't think he could take it, mentally. It would eat him up. A month or so before this started to happen, he had even told my daughter that he would never jeopardize what we had together. She had asked him about his relationship with this other girl.

While my (husband) was going through this turmoil, I began to have fitful dreams. I began to also have visions. I went places in my dreams that seemed like I was being taken there. It was real. Things were revealed to me. I was asleep one night and was abruptly awakened. I didn't know what had awakened me. Was it a noise? My (husband) was laying in bed next to me, sleeping soundly. I then realized that there was an evil presence next to me, on my side of the bed. It was attacking my spirit. There was no way I could fight it. I didn't know what to do. What weapon can you use against something you can't see. How could it attack me and I couldn't attack it? I could not believe what was happening. It was evil. It was like a lion. Vicious.

This was too long for one post. See next one.

I did not know if I had what I needed spiritually to combat it. I prayed that I did. I knew that God was watching and I must have what I needed or else it wouldn't be happening.

I had been a christian since I was seven. During this time, I was only allowed 4 hours per night to sleep. I am prone to migrains if I don't get enough sleep, but I didn't get one this week, miraculously. I was awakened each night after 4 hours sleep.

I was also put in a black pit. The devil was in there with me, alone. Talking to me. God was not in the Pit. It was revealed to me that all the pain and suffering in the world came from this pit. I knew God would not leave me and He must be on the outside of the pit, watching. I tried to climb out, but couldn't. I didn't want to hear the negative things he said to me. I began to sing "My God is an Awesome God". He said things like "You are the only one who believes in God. What a Shame. God would help you if He could, but He isn't, so He must not have the power. He must not be real". He told me that my family would be broken up like a 1,000 piece puzzle. The Devil is a liar.
He is good at it. After all, he has had how many years dealing with mankind, and knowing all of his weaknesses. He sifted me as if with a fine tooth comb. That is what it felt like. He was looking for every weakness of mine. He also pestered me during the day. He tried to take over my thought processes. Forcing his thoughts on me. He is clever. He also tried to get me to call it quits, but I held on. He said kids were resilient, they bounce back. I told him that if I did such a thing, my children would be living with my husband and the B****, and I wouldn't have that! He tried to get me to believe him and lean on him instead of God. I said something to him that he couldn't respond to. I said "If I believe in you, a known liar, instead of God, who cannot tell a lie, that makes me a fool, and I don't appreciate you trying to make a fool out of me."!

I know your demons. Yes, they are real. My son, age 6, saw something in his room during this time and came to my bedside, but I wasn't there, he said.
Can you understand these things? It sounds like a bad movie. I wouldn't have believed it unless it happened to me.

Later, I was gone over again, as if being scanned, but this time, it was the Holy Spirit, looking for ways to bless me.

To sum it up, I dealt with this for a whole week. It felt like 3 months. I had to get up and go to work. It was like a heavy dark cloud was hovering over me and a weight was on my shoulders. It was an effort to breathe. I was dragging. I smelled several odd smells also. One was like sulphur. It hovered around me as I brushed my teeth. I have read since that brimstone is sulphur. I also had a hard time staying awake. I could sit down in a chair and go into something like a trance, then the fitful dreams would start.

I would drive the kids to school and smell the stench of excrement in the car, but there was no reason for it. I would also become short of breath and have to roll the windows down for air and I'd tell the kids that I loved them. They knew it was happening again. At work I'd have to take my bible and place my hand in it during the day to get relief.

What keeps the Devil away? This is what worked for me. I would sing spiritual songs.

I don't know what happened. I must have hit the wrong button after typing so much. I'll have to finish it later, probably.

i try to do that all the time, you know it is so spookey how your life seems so much like mine.
i talked to my sister in law today we worked everything out. she said she was talking to james' brother last night and she said she is so worried about my mental state. that She thinks james is driving me crazy. I told her that is true. but I feel so much better today. mentally anyway. It is like God just gave me a big hug. and it feels so good. God really has blessed me. and I thank him every day for that.

He would back off. I would verbally tell him to leave my house and never come back "In the Name of Jesus Christ and by His Blood". He cannot win against the Name. I would pray and fast a lot and read the bible. I told him he would not win in what he was trying to accomplish, which was breaking up my family, taking my kids. All of this was in Jesus' name. We have no authority without Him. After doing this, I felt him hang his head down and walk away, defeated. I felt this in my spirit.

There was a period of time set for this to take place. I knew it, but didn't know how long it was, or what I was suppose to do to "pass" the testing I had to go through. I took the bible in my hand and went through the house yelling at him, proclaiming the Lord.

At the end of this week, I was awakened with a bright light in my bedroom and angels singing. I was happy and blessed. I was also weary after this trying week.

This sounds preposterous, but it is all true. I wouldn't turn loose of the Lord for anything. I need Him every second of my day and life.

I've never been tested myself again, and my daughter is a christian. Now to get my son through it all. He's 21 and unsure of spiritual things, but I'm trusting God to work in his heart.

I'm pulling for you brokenspirit.

Lots of Hugs,

Jecca1

:wave: Hello Brokenspirit,

Are you feeling better today? Is your chest and back pain better? I hope so.

I'm glad you and your sister-in-law have worked things out. I'm not sure that I totally trust her yet though. Please take it slowly with her and don't trust everything she says. You seem so willing to forgive, and so open to accept kind words and friendship where you can find it. Wasn't she the one who was ready to set your husband up with another woman just a few days ago? I hope she's not the type to get close to you so she can learn things to be able to use against you. I don't mean to be negative or have these negative thoughts, but it would infuriate me if you were hurt anymore!!

I posted so very much last night. I hope you understood it all and can relate to it. I only share it with certain people. If someone doesn't know me very well, they give me strange looks. One preacher even asked if I had seen a phychiatrist. ha! He was suppose to be so well-grounded in the Word, at age 70 something, and yet found it hard to believe. I can't blame anyone for that because they haven't had an experience such as that themselves.

When you are dealing with such demons, or the devil himself, you need to be fully equipped with the armor and the Word.

After this week, my family took a trip. I took the bible with me. My husband said "You don't need to take that, you won't have time to read!" I said, "I'm not taking it to read, I'm taking it as a weapon!" He understood.

You asked me how I'm doing. I am doing pretty good. I have begun to have problems with my hands. X-rays don't show that it's arthritis, but I hear that swollen tendons won't show up on x-rays as arthritis. It started with my longest fingers on both hands. Typing seems to help. I can't fully stretch them out now. They give a lot of pain. Especially when I try to mow grass or rake the yard. Keeping them in that position for a long time. I am to see a specialist in September. I hope no damage will be done that they can't fix. I need my hands of course. The problem, my Dr. said, isn't due to my diabetes.

My off days are Monday and Tuesday, so I probably won't be able to get to a computer on those days each week. I write from work. Isn't that great? ha!
As you can see, they didn't get a lot of work out of me last night, but I was doing my job in the process. ha!

Speaking of jobs. Does your husband mind you having a job? If ya'll have one car, could he take you and pick you up before he has to go to work? The reason I ask is that you could be building your skills or developing your skills in some field that could give you some pleasure and a little money on the side to buy a few things you want for yourself and your family. I don't know what jobs you've held before, but even working in a Day Care could get you started. It's just an idea, since your girls are older and could help cook and clean. The responsibility could be good for them. They would probably be proud of you. My kids, even though they like for me to be at home, seem to give me more respect when I work. So did my husband, even though he tried to find more things to spend it on.

Well, I'll sign off for now.

Hope your day is simply Marrrrvelllllous!!! :bouncing:

Jecca1 :)

I had a job till about 2 months ago, they put james on day shift and it caused me to lose my job because I didnt have a way back and fourth to work. He had to have the car and we both had to be at work at the same time and with 1 car that makes it hard. my chest hasnt been hurting as bad today my back still hurts though but that is normal for me. I have a buldging disc in my low back. just cant set along time or stand or walk but Im use to that Ive had it since 1993. it pinches the nerves going down my right leg .

I hope you have a great day
cathy