Hi everyone,

I was working on getting my mother and father to go and sign DPOAs and 2 Living Will forms, that my attorney showed me, but as of right now, I have given up!!! My sister is going to work on them, still. I said I would help if they needed me when/if they go to sign somewhere else!!

My father (the one with alzheimers) would go along with anything that sounded useful if only my mother would agree to it. But...my mother is another story. I could go on and on about her attitude. She has uncontrolled diabetes and early dementia (prob. a 3). She thinks everyone (including us/her family) is out to take over her life and take all her money, land, and everything that is theirs! Sometimes she eggs me on, and I just yell at her, then she apologizes to me. Other times, I can hold it in and keep helping them and visiting, until I get in my car and drive home. Then the tears start flowing. I am sure part of her behaviour is due to her illnessess. I try to remind myself of that. And part is of her being a full time caregiver for my father. That is why I try to relieve her anytime she wants to go somewhere.

But she is the one that will not hear of any type of home care or cleaning people. She is the one that will not talk about adult day care. I think, right now, she thinks that my father will never need to go anywhere else, but at their home. She does agree that they may need to move sometime, but what she does not realize is, that they will move to 2 different places (Probably in the same town.).

I had been to our lawyer and talked with them and gotten copies of the legal forms and even a price list. I made copies for my sister and my parents. My sister and I each wrote them a letter, very nice and telling them that we love them and only care about their well being. I took it slow, more that 6 weeks. I would talk just a few minutes and show the forms every week. I even added up the amount of $ that they would need to pay (which was less that $500.) I even said we were going to get our will changed and get living wills done too.

Well, last Tuesday, she just flat out said that she was not going to do it with our lawyer and part was because of the $. She said that she would get some forms (free) and do it theirselves. I told her (without crying and yelling) that they will end up spending "Thousands of Dollars" more, because she would not do it now. And I also told her, that her way would probably not be legal. My poor little daddy just sits there and listens and only knows part of what is going on. He would not say, to do most things that my mother is against. I think that he knows that she takes the most care of him, and does not want to bite the hand that feeds him. The fact is she will most likely, never get anything accomplished, unless my sister can talk her into it. So...

Ok, now for the Helpful Information: I cooled down a little and am still doing some behind the scenes looking and researching. I called the Houston area Alzheimers Assoc. They were really helpful and I am sure I will call them back some more in the future. They are sending me a copy of what info. they have on alzheimers places in stay. They gave me the tele. # of the Houston Bar Assoc. too. I called them and they sent me a Elder Law Booklet. I had to send a SASE (8x10 manilla envelope with $1.85 postage on it) and a note telling what I wanted (the Elder Law Booklet). Well, I received in 2 days and read most of it.

Boy did that booklet really answer a lot of my questions!!! I think that I will get my sister to get one and read it. I do not know if it would help to get one sent to my parents. Might just make my mom upset (more!). So I will leave that up to my Sis. Anyone that does not have an Elder Law Attorney, should write off for their citys Elder Law Booklet (or the closest biggest City).
It really helps and will help in the future. Go for it ladies! :>

Thanks for listening to my BIG BOOK. Yall Take Care. Wannabe

Hi Wannabe -

If your Dad can still answer questions about the president, day, month, his age - or can after rehersals - take him by himself to the elder lawyer. Getting half of it done is better thatn none, especially since he's the one that is further downstream.

Good luck! Barbara :)

I know it's frustrating. My dad was like that too (he still has his moments). I tried to put myself in his shoes and came out with a little more understanding.

My dad is 79. He comes from a time where everyone had to be self sufficient. His family lived through the depression and he was in WWII. He moved pianos for a living. Now he has a hard time lifting a medium sized suitcase.

I see the look in his eyes when he has to ask for help with simple things. The look was once more of humiliation. Now the look is turning more towards confusion. Either way, dad knows what's happening to him. He was frustrated, scared, angry.

I suspect your mom is pretty burned out caring for your dad. And her own illnesses make matters worse. She knows that one day, she will be depending on you and your sister to help her. So maybe it makes her feel a bit better thinking she's not depending much on you just yet even though she may be.

One suggestion (take it or leave it as you wish), offer options to your mother. Avoid saying things like "You should" or "You need to". That used to throw my dad in defense (no, defiance) mode every time.

If your mom doesn't want to use your lawyer, tell her she can choose the lawyer. Sometimes the way we word things can make a lot of difference. I learned that the HARD way. :)

About the elder care booklet, order a copy for your mom and have it sent to her house in her name. She doesn't have to know you requested it.

And if your mom still doesn't want to do the DPOA, take your dad. Tell him you just want to be sure that your mom is taken care of should something happen to him.

Love, Barb

Hi Barbara and Barb,

I really do appreciate your advice and help! I am afraid that if I took my dad by myself to my lawyer (1 hr. away), and she found out, she would ban me from coming over to their house to help them. She has said several times, that she should just take my dad and the two of them should just go out of town for a few days. She says this when she thinks they have been to a dr. appt. every week (she does not like drs. or spending $ on them or them giving my dad pills.). Twice when this happens. Or when she gets upset with me trying to urge them to do a living will or DPOA. Once when this happened. She might would eventually calm down and "let" me come back and help them. But by then the checkbook and finances and drs. would probably be a big giant mess! What to do? I will check yalls ideas out with my sister. She is more calm, because she lives 4 hr. away.

Barb, I know what you are talking about - about putting yourself in their shoes. I try to keep reminding myself, to stop and think, before I say something. And, most of the time I do, but... My niece says, that my mom just knows how to "turn my key", so she does it whenever we disagree or whenever she does not feel good or is tired! My niece is the only other relative with 1 hrs. range of their house. Actually she is within 15 - 30 min., closer than me. She works a lot and has kids, but she is trying to see after them 1x week!

I did offer my mom to do the papers herself and she said she would, but I do not know if or when she will. She is really busy with my dad and she gets tired easily.

I know they both get frustrated and feel a little helpless, having to ask their daughter and SIL to help them with things that they cannot do anymore! I think my dad has come to terms with it. But my mom still tries to act like she can do everything without my help. But my dad is the one who asked me in the first place 1 1/2 yrs. ago to help with the finances (checkbook, bills and tax time).

If you could tell me a way to offer my mom options on the DPOA/Living Will thing, and the Home Health Care/Adult Day Care thing, I would be willing to try. Really, I would. I would give anything, not to be at odds at times, with my mother. I would say it happens about 1 x month. Out of 4 - 6 times. I just do not think, that my mother would even be open to options or choices (still trying to run her life). And you a right, I have said "You should" and "You need to"!!! I am sure that that irks her. She does not like anyone telling her what to do - especially her daughter!

My sister is going to call 2 of my moms friends and talk to them - to try to get them to just talk to her and see her more often. Also, she thinks that they might influence her on the legal papers.

And I think I will (Monday), have a copy of the Elder Law Booklet sent to my mom and dads. I will just have to disguise my handwriting on the SASE. It sure could not hurt.

Thanks again girls for all your help. Anything else you need or want to tell me - about this subject, write back again. You words help me to rethink and to think about how I approach this problem. CALM, THINK, USE THE CORRECT WORDS, MORE UNDERSTANDING, MORE CARING!!! These are what I need to practice, and if I can - hold off till I am in my car on the way back home to let loose!!!

Take care. Wannabe

Easier said than done though, isn't it? :)

I keep waiting for that magic pill, the one that makes everything better. My mom told me about it when I was little. lol!!!

Love, Barb

Just a thought: perhaps the only magic pill is faith ....

Martha

Hi ladies and gents,

Barb, It really much easier said than done! But just talking to yall has given me some resolve, to try better and nicer ways to help my parents.

Martha, you may be right. I think that is what is getting my father thru this - his faith. I do not know about me and my mom and my sister?! My father has not been going to church much at all this summer. He says it is because he is dizzy. But, I think that he does not want to go and show the friends/church goers that he is getting worse. During the week he is not so dizzy, that he cannot go places with me and my mom (separately or together). I think he thinks he is dizzy - when in fact it is the way alzheimers and parkinsons makes him feel. I guess sort of off kilter and not himself. Right?! Maybe yall can put it in better words - how alzheimers people feel inside?!

Anyway, since they had not been to church in more than a month, my dad, mom and I dropped their check off at the church on the way to a dr. appt. Luckily several people were there, including the minister (preacher). My dad got to sit and talk with him for 20 min. and my mom and I looked around and talked with other ladies. I think it did them both good - maybe they went this morning?! He needs to go (he has a cane and a walker for support), those people at church (especially the ladies) love him and make a big fuss over him! And he sure loves that!!! :>

Thanks for all the talking and ideas and helping. It has made me feel much better and a little more at peace.

Yall take care of you. Wannabe

You might try having the Pastor talk to your Mom, having him be the "messenger" for the news you've been trying to give may work better than hearing it from you.

Also - pay for the lawyer for them yourself - if the paperwork isn't taken care of, or gets messed up if they try to do it, you're the one that will be out more time and money in the long run. 500$ is a huge sum to the Depression Era/WW2 generation.

You could tell them since you are getting your stuff settled the lawyer will take care of your parents for free.

Teapot

You are right about how people of that generation feel about money. (I am also an "end of Depression, beginning of war" baby.) At first my brother told Mom that the HHA was 'free' - supplied by Medicare. BUT ..Mom was very disrespectful to this person and told other people that she was untrained and did not know anything, and gave her an argument about when it was safe to cross the street (RED means go, said Mom.)

Finally I sat her down and told her the real cost: $19 an hour for a 'companion' who went with Mom to her Senior Center or to the pool, but did not do much else. Later we got a different one who also cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and helped Mom take a bath (she was worth her weight in gold!!) but the point is that older people may think anything free is useless....

We got a POA for Bill at the time the Nurse came to interview Mom to apply for a home health aide... she said one of you (her children) has to have Power of Attorney over all her decision making: health, financial and anything else. My brother took that respnsibility upon himself and a day later she went with him to the Notary Public and signed all the papers without a fuss, not even being asked ANY questions by anyone .. it was still relatively early - maybe stage 4 - but dementia was easy to spot.

Your Mom in stage 3 Alzheimer's cannot be expected to reason well any more .. you've got to get those papers signed by hook or by crook because she is going to decline too and there will be NO ONE who can make any rational choices...

Love and best wishes

Martha

Faith...yes I believe that's it!

I agree with Teapot. The pastor may well be the missing link. If you and your sister could talk to him, he may be willing to help you by speaking with your mom and your dad.

On another note, my nephew and his wife, who usually ride out the hurricanes, decided to head north to southern Illinois. They'll stay with her parents. This hurricane is one of the worst the US has ever seen. My sister R said they may get hurricane force winds where she lives in Birmingham, Alabama. There will probably be flooding there because the ground is already saturated.

My sinuses are still acting up and the extreme fatigue is still here. I'm going to get to the doctor as soon as I can, maybe after work tomorrow. I need more blood tests done. I have to have them every six to eight weeks and I've been naughty. Haven't had them done in more than two months, maybe closer to three.

Back on the couch I go.

Love, Barb

My prayers are with everyone in the path of this monster storm, especially New Orleans ..

Love,

Martha

Hi there girls,

Thanks for you much help and advice! It helps to read and think about what you guys have said.

Teapot, I can talk to the pastor of their church. But, he might tell them that I did come see him and talk. Whenever my sister and I talk to him (1 x ea.), he always tells my parents in a round about way that we called or came by! But, it might work. I will ask my sister what she thinks about that idea. I already said that my DH and I would pay for their part (even tho they are better off that us). She said no, even tho. I was so much richer than her, no! (Sarcastically!) This was during what turned out to be an non agreeing conversation (I did not raise my voice!). And she would not believe that about getting it done for free.

You are right about that being a large sum of $ to my mom. My dad thinks its fine. But that is probably why my mom is such a pinny pincher. You name it and she does it to try and save $ (even tho they are middle class - I think - depends on what you call middle class!).

Martha, I had forgotten the past conversation about talking to the preacher and/or some people in the church - about someone to come to my parents home sometimes to watch and help my dad, so my mom could get out. Remember, we thought it might be cheaper than your $19.

You are right about my mom needing to get the POA done too. They both think she is normal, tho. She acts badly at times and says things that are not true and hurts peoples feelings. Sometimes she will half way apologize. And do the same thing she was against previously! It does sound partially demented when I think about it. My mother has not been tested at all, her GP just wrote that she had early dementia in her files, and she gave me a printout when she was first diagnosed with diabetes, about 2 1/2 yrs. ago.

Thanks Barb, I may (or my sister) indeed talk to the minister. We are getting where we are willing to try anything!

I hope you are feeling better soon. You had better keep up your dr. appts. Hope you get an appt. soon. Snuggle into that couch and the nice bed too!

I also, feel sorry for the people in Louisiana. Half of that state is really low! I hope that with their very smart Governor, that most of them went north or over here.

Yall take care. And thanks again for the wise words. Wannabe

Hi yall,

Just a little bit (hopefully) to update on this subject. I talked with my Sister today. I gave her the #s of my moms 2 best friends. She is going to call them and see if they will help convince her to do the DPOAs soon. She is sort of leary about going to talk to see or call the preacher. My mom got pretty mad, when the preacher told her, that my Sister had called him and asked if they took property as tithes?! My parents have about 10 pieces of property (not that terribly much $ - just in upkeep). She thought that maybe she could get rid of the most dilapidated one. Well, as it happens - 1 yr later - FEMA may buy it from them!

My sister talked with her friend whose mother has alzheimers, and she said we need to do it fast! Just like most of yall have said. But, I do not know how we can. Sis wants to do the thing you guys said: take Dad to do his, by himself. We will see if she does?! Plus I do not know if my dad would go by himself?! Without my mom, that is.

Well, that is all for now. Yall dont faint! Take care. Wannabe

Can Mum's best friends take Mother out for lunch and then snaffle Dad for his outing?

I be good at cunning LOL

Hugs
Sally

Hi Sally,

We have missed you and wondered where you have been for these few days. That is a good idea! I will tell my sister and maybe she will come down in a week or two (3-4 hrs away). That idea would probably be right up her alley! Plus, my sister is bolder than I am!! I do need to learn some more cunning ways, like you!!!

Thanks for the idea. I like the "snaffle" word. Take care. Wannabe