ive been reading, albeit breifly,but i gather strongly the main subject is fear of infection because of risky lifestyles...Well,if you keep on gambling with hiv,logic and science dictates that you will get a test result you DO NOT want to hear...eventually.
Trust me.I know.

Actually, Kell11, there are quite a few of us who are HIV+ and respond to queries to the Board. While I can't answer why others participate here, I can tell you that for me, it provides me with an outlet to speak honestly and candidly about a subject of which I am learning more and more about. Each of us comes from a different background and some of us where infected through varying modes of contact. But all of us, at one time or another, have lived through the fear, dread, anxiety and guilt that people who come to the Boards are living through. It is my role here to try to help them to relax, to provide the best knowledge I have, and to direct them to a course of action that will both relieve the anxiety and provide them with enough information to make an informed decision.

Whether or not people participate in risky behaviors or not has, ultimately, little to do with how they are feeling. Most of us did participate in risky behaviors. SOme of us have spent years beating ourselves up about those behaviors and, for those of us who are gay or bisexual, then we've heard enough people suggesting that what is happening to us is well deserved. Remember, no disease is more imporant than the person who has it.

On the other hand, and I have to speak only about myself and my reactions, I decided some time ago that I could learn from this disease and be open to the places it was bound to take me or I could be angry and envious of people who do not have the disease but participate in risky behaviors nevertheless. It's all a journey, Kell, and for whatever reason, I intend to make the most of it...I will learn the lessons I need to learn, love the people who remain constant in my life, do what I must do to remain healthy, and see what happens. Please, do not misunderstand, I get angry and frustrated. I sometimes weep. I, on occasion, have been asked to speak at a funeral of a friend who has died and I hate it every time because this is stupid disease and most of us who have it have it because we decided to believe that love was stronger than anything that stood in its way.

I hear you frustration and pain...but know that there are wonderful people here who will do whatever you need of them and answer any questions you may have. We will hold you in the palm of our hands and lift you higher than you've ever been lifted before. bless you and the place you are currently in...chris

[quote/] [quote/]

Hello kell ........
I am also + for about 15 years and not from a missjudgment in sexual experiences but trying to help someone out ( I guess a good scare was to much to ask ) anyway ......... I was infected with hiv,hepititasC, and also syphalis .
I actualy tested + for hiv at 15 weeks ( because that's when I went for my test ) and + for hepC at 9 months the syphalis went undiagnosed for around a little over a year and my problems were mostly blamed on the hiv .
I sufferd a ruptured spleen and also had 3 lymphnodes removed across my stomache ( because of the syphalis ) 2 lymphnodes ruptured and one was almost 3.5 centimeters .
I had 2 nervous breakdowns ......
First - was I got my results .........
Second - was when I got my first cold ( I thought I was going to die from a cold )
I didn't realy know too much personaly about the disease but I did have family and friends that lived and died from it .
My ( geno-type ) for hepC is mixed and although the numbers can be greatly reduced by ( interferon alfa ) they are resistant to treatment and I have yet to have them knocked down to the ( undetectable level )
When I was diagnosed I pushed my family , friends and just about every one that tried to offer me any comfort and help .
I followd the road of total bitterness and felt like a walking disease and didn't want anyone to evem touch or come near me .
I felt like I was an infectous freak and a time bomb that didn't deserve to live .
OVER THE YEARS I LEARNED DIFFERENTLY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I took a very long time to come to grips with what happend to me and I still fight with myself .
Its mot an easy thing to deal with I will admit BUT you only stop living when you GIVE UP and just because you are hiv+ doesn't mean you're not worth anything .
Let me explain bitterness to you ..........
BITTERNESS :::::::::
Bitterness lies to you and makes you believe that it you're friend and it is on you're side and it wants to help you and take care of you and it helps you make the rite choices and leads you down the rite path .
BUT........
IN REALITY .........
It makes you push away that which you want need and convinces you not to accept help , love and comfort .
It lies to you and makes you alone and feel unwanted and gives you a false sense of pride it takes away all the things we need to make us happy and keeps us angry and alone it makes us feel like and ( OUTSIDER LOOKING IN ) and gives us a sense that ( WE DON'T BELONG ) and don't deserve to be here .
BITTERNESS IS THE EASY PATH TO FOLLOW BECAUSE WE FEEL LIKE WE DON'T HAVE TO COPE !
It makes us feel safe but it a lie because all it is realy doing is sending ourselves further and further away from that which we need .
I'm not realy sure what path you are on rite now but the only one that can control it is YOU .
............. Lost Spirit ...............

ive been reading, albeit breifly,but i gather strongly the main subject is fear of infection because of risky lifestyles...Well,if you keep on gambling with hiv,logic and science dictates that you will get a test result you DO NOT want to hear...eventually.
Trust me.I know.

I am so sorry you are having to pay for your actions with such a heafty price. Not all cases of HIV+ are from risky lifestyles. I know of children who are infected because of parents, victims of rape, healthcare providers, and a 14 year old is + from reaching in a trash can to save an abandoned litter of kittens.

The ones that come to this board regularly are here to help those that are frightened that they may be infected and are looking for guidance and answers, but also to help support and listen to those that know their results and are living with it day by day.


Casey

LOST SPIRIT, I am so glad to see that you are found once again. Missed you!!!

I just want to say that I totally agree with what everyone has posted.

And, Kell, if you hang around here, you're bound to get lots of support, advice .....and tons of friends.


Lost Spirit - It's SOOOO good to see you. I'm so glad you returned.

God bless.

[B]Hi Kell: Here I am positive and most of the time happy. Cflas is much more understanding than I tend to be on some of these posts about careless behaviours but you know it takes all kinds to get the message across that HIV is not something you want to contract. So if your looking for support you have come to the right place. Lots of us from different walks of life and different modes of contracting this virus. I am female and in the medical field, not a drug addict or ex sex worker so there you see we all walk different paths. Hope you stay around and talk to us as we all know it can be a pretty lonely place we find ourselves in. For the most part I am pretty happy but yes I can honestly say that sometimes I feel isolated even among my friends. It takes walking in these shoes to understand all the different emotions that we go through. We are here to support you and anyone else who needs it....Peace....... :angel:

ive been reading, albeit breifly,but i gather strongly the main subject is fear of infection because of risky lifestyles...Well,if you keep on gambling with hiv,logic and science dictates that you will get a test result you DO NOT want to hear...eventually.
Trust me.I know.

Thanks to you all for your gracious answers and insight to what the board is all about.You all seem like very cool people,and I'll be back.

A little about me:
41 y.o. male -Ft.worth Texas
married 5 almost 6 yrs.
Had a beautiful baby girl 2 yrs ago.
Mom and baby are healthy.AMEN>
hiv status--about 6 years in(took me 5 to get over the shock)...done pretty well up to this year,just the usual fatigue meds dragdown.becoming slowly more problematic however,but Im hangin' in. this s***t is not going to take me out...(ps-found out applying for mortgage insurance in 2000.Hows that for a kick in the nuts)
I would like to know more about others journey through this bummer of a tunnel.I liken it to a tunnel because the medical community is stillin such a learning curve.(in the dark)
HOWEVER,Ive been hearing some profound things are being done with RNAi research(i meaning intereference)I pray and know we will see something break sooner than later.I always knew hiv would have to be dealt with inside the RNA of a cell(the DNA can/will tell the RNA inside the cell to stop making copies,but more importantly destroy any pirate/viral cell identical to it.
Thusly eradicating the virus...IT WILL HAPPEN,I KNOW THIS...
We're on the cusp but we need it NOW.
Everybody type RNAi in a searchbox. and read.theres a good summation on a PBS site.And it is profound science in itself...
Also hearing some recent noise about Valproic acid---I beleive the answer will lie with the RNA research.
And Oh yes! who cares how we contracted it...that doesn't matter.As for me I had one too many girlfriends and that last one was a doozie.
I do not judge,NONE OF US DESERVE THIS
Lost soul, you dont seem so lost,And Ive met plenty.God be with you.
And angel,(or whoever said it.sorry)one word resonated in my head as I read your reply "isolation".
I have to say i can relate to that...
Gimme some truth,the Drs damn sure dont give it...Virologists and oncologists just aren't people persons I guess.(lol) sorry sob's.
God be with us all.
Ive never spoke to anyone but my Dr and my wife and my parents...but,with the exception of my wife have not had any real support.
so here I am,will answer any question and will ask many as well.
Again,God be with us...later guys.
kell11

Dear Kell11 - thanks for sharing all this very personal but very pertinent information. I, too am married, and have been for the past 18 yrs. My wife is negative and we found out about my status 7 yrs after we were married. Fortunatly, she and I have been extraordinay friends before we were married and her status is really my only prayer. We have four children (all grown) between us. THis is the second marriage for each of us.

I try to stay away from "how this happened". As a medical worker who spent time in Uganda as part of a medical team I know that the possibility exists that, because we did not have the access to sterile techniques, I could have contracted it there. I also know, that as a bi-sexual male with 11 yrs between marriages, that the possibility exists that I contracted it there. ANd for a long time it really mattered because I saw it has good choice/bad choice and felt that there was a certain nobility if I contracted the disease in the jungles of Africa doing God's work. But, that really no longer matters. What I do with this illness, what I learn from it and what I can teach because of it is all that remains imporant.

Fortunately, my t-cell count is stabilizing (it is now higher than when I was first diagnosed) and my viral load has always been undetectible. Within the next two weeks I will be switching out some of my medications and will be on the following regimen: Reyetaz 150 mg two capsules one time a day, Truvada, one per day, and Norvir one capsule once a day.

Please let us know what we can do to help. You will find the most blessed people here and the most knowledgeable. Know immediately that you are loved and you have stumbled onto a remarkable group of friends and confidantes. These people rock my world.....chris :wave:

Dear Kell11 - thanks for sharing all this very personal but very pertinent information. I, too am married, and have been for the past 18 yrs. My wife is negative and we found out about my status 7 yrs after we were married. Fortunatly, she and I have been extraordinay friends before we were married and her status is really my only prayer. We have four children (all grown) between us. THis is the second marriage for each of us.

I try to stay away from "how this happened". As a medical worker who spent time in Uganda as part of a medical team I know that the possibility exists that, because we did not have the access to sterile techniques, I could have contracted it there. I also know, that as a bi-sexual male with 11 yrs between marriages, that the possibility exists that I contracted it there. ANd for a long time it really mattered because I saw it has good choice/bad choice and felt that there was a certain nobility if I contracted the disease in the jungles of Africa doing God's work. But, that really no longer matters. What I do with this illness, what I learn from it and what I can teach because of it is all that remains imporant.

Fortunately, my t-cell count is stabilizing (it is now higher than when I was first diagnosed) and my viral load has always been undetectible. Within the next two weeks I will be switching out some of my medications and will be on the following regimen: Reyetaz 150 mg two capsules one time a day, Truvada, one per day, and Norvir one capsule once a day.

Please let us know what we can do to help. You will find the most blessed people here and the most knowledgeable. Know immediately that you are loved and you have stumbled onto a remarkable group of friends and confidantes. These people rock my world.....chris :wave:

(confidantes,good)
yeah C, my wifes status and health is my everyday prayer as well.
Im glad to here your T count is holding steady.AMEN.
When was diagnosed I had a viral load of 16,000 some odd.
It took 3 mos to become undetectable(I beleive I found out early as some cases go,I was lucky.or blessed rather.)anyway,90 days to undetectable with
viramune,epivir,zerit.1 tab twice a day.
replaced zerit w/Ziagen 2 yrs ago. thats been the only change in regimen.
Ive seen my T-count go from 800 5 yrs ago graaaduallllly come to 400 where it is now(some may think 400! man,I wish).Ive seen it spike up to 650 just to see it back down the next visit.
There's so much I want to say and learn....I'll be back on tonight or tomorrow
Thanks for having me and gracias on the feedback.PLEASE KEEP IT COMIN'
God Bless,my prayers are with you all
Kell

P.S. I bet we all know some people in the grave who would gladly rather be standing in our shoes.

[B]I know I am probably going to catch heck here but here goes. Since the subject of tcells is in the discussion. Has anyone here ever tried to do healing meditations? I believe there is a mind,body,spirit connection and that we really can make ourselves well from many things. eg, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, migraines, etc....I have meditated for many years now even before I was diagnosed. I studied Trancendental Meditation way back in the 70s lol and from there have tried various methods. When I was first diagnosed my tcells were 170 and viral load was through the roof. So Aids Defined is what I was. I did many things to get a grip on this thing but one thing I still do each and every day is take sometime to go within and heal myself. My tcells are now 1050 and holding, also undetectable. If anyone is interested in hearing more or would like to know how to do this I would be glad to explain it in more detail.
I am NOT by anymeans suggesting however that you stop your meds. I need to make that clear...
Also, Kell, yes the work they are doing with valproic acid is interesting as is the bacteria and viral fighting properties of crocodile blood. We must hold hope in our hearts that they will find a way to rid the body of this virus permanently. :angel:

[B]I know I am probably going to catch heck here but here goes. Since the subject of tcells is in the discussion. Has anyone here ever tried to do healing meditations? I believe there is a mind,body,spirit connection and that we really can make ourselves well from many things. eg, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, migraines, etc....I have meditated for many years now even before I was diagnosed. I studied Trancendental Meditation way back in the 70s lol and from there have tried various methods. When I was first diagnosed my tcells were 170 and viral load was through the roof. So Aids Defined is what I was. I did many things to get a grip on this thing but one thing I still do each and every day is take sometime to go within and heal myself. My tcells are now 1050 and holding, also undetectable. If anyone is interested in hearing more or would like to know how to do this I would be glad to explain it in more detail.
I am NOT by anymeans suggesting however that you stop your meds. I need to make that clear...
Also, Kell, yes the work they are doing with valproic acid is interesting as is the bacteria and viral fighting properties of crocodile blood. We must hold hope in our hearts that they will find a way to rid the body of this virus permanently. :angel:
Amen,Angel4me...I use the mind,soul,body connection everyday.
you sound like you're doing well.Im glad.
I got a lot to bring to this board and I can see there is much to read,butIm too tired for my dissertation--But i'll be back-----All be WELL.
God bless us all.amen
Youll be hearing more from me.
soon.

Dear Angel (and Kell) - I am certainly interested in the mind/body connection and know that there are methods that need to be considered when exploring options. When first diagnosed I, of course, went to my doctor (who is incredible and remains on the cutting edge of HIV) and to an alternative medicine phyician. The Alt. Med. Phys suggested that I stop taking the meds prescribed by my doctor, to stop seeing my doctor, and that he would treat me holistically. However, since I've been a medical social worker for twenty years, I find that, even with all the complaints, I am really comfortable with Western medicine. However, I talked to a close friend, a therapist, who suggested that I go to a Chinese Herbalist. (At the time, I was pretty toxic on the herbs and vitamins, with which I was self-medicating.) So, nothing ventured, nothing gained, I went to the Chinese Herbalist and took all the meds, vitamins, and herbs I was taking at the time with me as instructed. He examined me, and then told me to stop with the vitamins and herbs (all over the counter), continue taking the meds prescribed by my physician and allow him treat me as a partner in my care with my doctor. I mean, here was a guy who was willing to bring both philosophies together.

Anyway, I have attempted meditation rather unsuccessfully, however. It is this monkey-mind of mine. (If you can recommend any books,etc. then I would be indebted to you.) I have done Tai Chi (loved it!) and I go to an acupunturist ever two weeks. The acupuncturist, cooincidentally, is a medical physician as well, and has mananged my headaches and lower back spasms and may have something to do with increasing my t-cells.

Like you, when diagnosed, I was AIDs defined. Now, things are moving upward. (T-cells going up and viral load remains undetectible).

I think the area of alternative medicine, meditation, etc. is absolutely inherent when discussing this disease and certainly, by my definition, falls within the practical realm of being "health related."

Kell, I can't wait to hear more...and from you, too, angel. This is an area about which I seem to think I know something about intellectually but have been unable to put into practice.

LS - you, dear friend, are so important to me....thanks for being you. chris