Dear Feelingnumb: I saw today that you had removed your initial query. I saw it posted yesterday and I knew that the answer I had to write back was an important one for you because it relates to both the health concerns of both you and your husband as well as to the stability and intimacy of your marriage. I did not answer not because I was embarassed or because I thought you were prying but because I had to reflect on this deeply and personally and wanted to give to my very most honest and truest answer. If you're embarrased, please don't be. If you still want me to respond, please let me know. love and blessings, chris

Yes I was kind of embarassed. I thought maybe to forward with my question. It is important to me to have a good marriage and I want to do everything I can to stay married and healthy. Your reply is appreciated. I hope you remember what I was asking. Thanks!

I do...it's just noon and I have get lunch ready. I will reply tonight but I wanted you to know that your question is important and needs an honest answer. chris

Dear feeling numb: Your question, as I said, was an extremely pertinent question to the way relationships function. We know that sexuality within a relationship is variable from person to person and from couple to couple. My wife and had the good fortune of being very good friends long before we decided to get married. We were both married once before we married each other and, in fact, she and her first huband, and I and my first wife used to double date before we either got married. In fact, we all went to the same church and when she and her first husband were in senior high school, my first wife and I (before we were married) would all go to church together, to the movies, dinner, etc. (Her first husband was actually an usher in my first wedding.) And, the fact is that we were never involved with each before our divorces. OUr children have virtually grown up together and we have pictures of her holding my new-born son while he first child looks on from the side, and now their brothers. So, while this in someways confuses matters, it also made our decision to get married a natural rendering of an already deep and abiding relationship.

As I have said before, my first wife and I were divorced before my current wife and decided to marry. Yes, there were (obviously) other relationships in between. I was first diagnosed in July, 1994. For the first seven years of our marriage (we were married for seven yrs before I was diagnosed) we were quite sexually active. We still had kids at home (hers all the time, mine on the weekends) so we were young enough for that to be important. IN addition, while we sexually active with each other, it never occurred to us to use condoms because there simply was no reason.

However, after I found out that I was positive (and, as I have said, my wife is and always has been negative in the eleven yrs since we've known my status) and after I got over the initial self-image issues, the issues of impending death, the issues related to how I could have brought this into my life and into her life as well. After those issues were resolved (and no, I did not got through extensive counseling. I did, however, see someone briefly about some of those issues.) we resumed a fairly normal sex life, this time however, using condoms all the time. And, the sexual part of our life was still good.

Over the past eleven yrs, I suspect that the meds have really screwed up my libido. My "sexual drive" is fairly low-key right now and I haven't been able to bring myself to discuss it with my doctor. Now, as I get older, there are still those nagging self-image issues. I don't perceive myself and handsome or rugged and not as someone who could be attractive to someone else. But this is transitional and I suspect once I get up the courage to talk to my doctor about this, maybe he can adjust my meds, put for on some kind of medication , or whatnot then it will be resolved. (It is so weird being able to talk about HIV issues with him, but not talk about sex with him. How profundly stupid is that?)

The point that I am trying to make here is that your sexuality will change throughout your relationship. What remains most important for me is that I have a wife who chose to stay with me; who didn't look upon me as someone dirty or a freak. She make a willful decision because of her love for me that I was the one she wanted to be with and that has made all the difference in the world. I know that our marriage is not determined by the amount of sex or the intensity. OUr marriage is built upon our deep and abiding love for each other, our mutual respect, our ability to laugh all the time, our shared interests, and our family (of which I am so very proud!).

Was I embarrassed about buying condoms as a married guy? Yes. Did I like having to use them? No! Would I have changed anything about the last eleven yrs? Absolutely not. I have learned so much about myself and my family. And, most importantly, I have learned all about unconditional love from the only person in the world who could have shown it to me.

You are amazing and you are blessed. You have a husband who is healthy and someone with whom he can partner his life. No one said this was going to be easy and no one said that it would be smooth sailing. Your love for him will be his rudder and his keel. ANd lastly, I truly believe, that this disease will become, for many of us, a chronic illness. I cannot imagine how painful it is for those people out there who do not have the blessings that our marriages have brought us to. You are blessed...and it will all make you an incredible wife, a successful woman, and a truly extraordinary mom. chris

I thank you so much for responding. You are a very special person and Im sure your wife is happy that you are her husband. You seem to have what most people wish they had and thats a strong true love. I do love my husband and hope that this experience will make our bond stronger. We are young, I in my twenties and him a little older. We have been through things in the past and I hope to get through this with our love. Take care and about your issues hopefully things will get better and your sexual life will continue as before or even better, until then continue to enjoy what so many others desire and thats a relationship that is strong and not based on just a physical attraction. Boy some people would give a limb for that!!

thanks again! :)

hey there, I responded to you other post. DO you think you husband would be willing to talk, via posts, to me? We walk the same path, you know... chris