CocktailSausage
09-09-2005, 08:32 PM
I'm sure I have OCD. When I went to a counsellor a while ago her opinion was that yes, it could be OCD, but unless it is controlling my life then it's not a problem.
I have intrusive thoughts, such as wishing my mum & dad would die in an airplane crash so that I could have the house home alone forever, for example. OBVIOUSLY I don't wish this. I love my parents to bits and would rather have no house or anything, just as long as I had them.
I thought that it had only come on in the last few years, but thinking back in hindsight, I remember when I was in the first or second year of school (about 10 years ago) I wrote a christmas card to my teacher. I must have opened it and re-sealed it about ten times, to keep on checking that I hadnt written anything bad in it, or "Love from" instead of "From". I never did have the nerve to post that card.
I was watching somebody clear the dinner table the other day and she got some food on her thumb from someone else's plate! It made me feel sick, sent a shiver down my spine and made my stomach turn -this FOOD from someone's plate -on HER THUMB :eek: -and she didn't even care!!! :nono:
Thus I am pretty certain I've got some OCD. I've been reading this board for months and everything I read is so familiar and relevant to me.
But the real reason I'm posting is because something else is wrong. Sometimes I just need to do things that are so completely disgusting. It's so bad that I wonder whether this is even the place to be posting it. I'm going to lose all the respect I had up to now by writing this next bit... Hmmmmm. Well I suppose I've not got much to lose. /Well, sometimes, when I'm in public toilets and I need a number 2... I will do something quite morally wrong. I will take a small piece of the untalkable and hide it somewhere, say stick it behind the toilet cistern or some place it won't be found. It's disgusting - I know it is, but why do I do it? Once, I did a similar thing. I discreetly nudged the offending article outside with my shoe. I then waited, moving back and forth between the sinks and the hand dryer, waiting for my victim to make the wrong step. My college lecturer was that victim. I didn't feel happy, sad, guilty, or feel any satisfaction out of it at all - so why do I still need to do it? Not that it makes it any better, but I have only done this kind of thing about 3-4 times.
My concern is this. If I am doing such weird (and disgusting) things like this now, what if I do even more sick and twisted things when I am older? Maybe I'll be a killer, and start cutting people up in a Texas Chainsaw Massacre style. I don't think I will - I certainly don't feel that way inclined...
And as for the disgusting compulsions described above - it is very odd. I am so careful not to touch anything in public toilets - I use toilet paper to turn the tap on and get soap, and a new piece of paper to turn tap back off. Then I have to either wait for someone to come in so I can leave without touching the door, or use another piece of toilet paper to open the door etc etc. So how can I be so different - being so disgusted that I can't touch a tap that someone else has touched, yet, am quite happy to do what I mentioned earlier on. :confused:
I've just had a thought. Could it be some subconcious 'animal instinct', to mark the place as my territory, in an attempt to feel more comfortable in the currently dirty cenvironment :confused:
I have intrusive thoughts, such as wishing my mum & dad would die in an airplane crash so that I could have the house home alone forever, for example. OBVIOUSLY I don't wish this. I love my parents to bits and would rather have no house or anything, just as long as I had them.
I thought that it had only come on in the last few years, but thinking back in hindsight, I remember when I was in the first or second year of school (about 10 years ago) I wrote a christmas card to my teacher. I must have opened it and re-sealed it about ten times, to keep on checking that I hadnt written anything bad in it, or "Love from" instead of "From". I never did have the nerve to post that card.
I was watching somebody clear the dinner table the other day and she got some food on her thumb from someone else's plate! It made me feel sick, sent a shiver down my spine and made my stomach turn -this FOOD from someone's plate -on HER THUMB :eek: -and she didn't even care!!! :nono:
Thus I am pretty certain I've got some OCD. I've been reading this board for months and everything I read is so familiar and relevant to me.
But the real reason I'm posting is because something else is wrong. Sometimes I just need to do things that are so completely disgusting. It's so bad that I wonder whether this is even the place to be posting it. I'm going to lose all the respect I had up to now by writing this next bit... Hmmmmm. Well I suppose I've not got much to lose. /Well, sometimes, when I'm in public toilets and I need a number 2... I will do something quite morally wrong. I will take a small piece of the untalkable and hide it somewhere, say stick it behind the toilet cistern or some place it won't be found. It's disgusting - I know it is, but why do I do it? Once, I did a similar thing. I discreetly nudged the offending article outside with my shoe. I then waited, moving back and forth between the sinks and the hand dryer, waiting for my victim to make the wrong step. My college lecturer was that victim. I didn't feel happy, sad, guilty, or feel any satisfaction out of it at all - so why do I still need to do it? Not that it makes it any better, but I have only done this kind of thing about 3-4 times.
My concern is this. If I am doing such weird (and disgusting) things like this now, what if I do even more sick and twisted things when I am older? Maybe I'll be a killer, and start cutting people up in a Texas Chainsaw Massacre style. I don't think I will - I certainly don't feel that way inclined...
And as for the disgusting compulsions described above - it is very odd. I am so careful not to touch anything in public toilets - I use toilet paper to turn the tap on and get soap, and a new piece of paper to turn tap back off. Then I have to either wait for someone to come in so I can leave without touching the door, or use another piece of toilet paper to open the door etc etc. So how can I be so different - being so disgusted that I can't touch a tap that someone else has touched, yet, am quite happy to do what I mentioned earlier on. :confused:
I've just had a thought. Could it be some subconcious 'animal instinct', to mark the place as my territory, in an attempt to feel more comfortable in the currently dirty cenvironment :confused:
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bkm4673
09-09-2005, 08:41 PM
wow.....the toilet thing im not sure but ive done things kind of awkward not necessarily to harm anyone and it didnt make me feel better i just did it and i have ocd . i also use toilet paper to open the doors in bathrooms but i do that even at peoples houses and even jusst opening car doors it sucks.im gonna start taking lexapro soon and i use to and do sometimes have horrible thoughts but would never wish harm on loved ones either i dont know i hope the meds only help for the better....
hry33
09-09-2005, 09:20 PM
to cocktail
it sounds like OCD, which is an anxiety disorder, learning new ways of relaxing and calming yourself would help a lot, also get more exercise
an antidepressant med sometimes helps but you might not be old enough
self help recovery books on OCD have useful advice, 'brainlock' is helpful for unwanted thoughts
it sounds like OCD, which is an anxiety disorder, learning new ways of relaxing and calming yourself would help a lot, also get more exercise
an antidepressant med sometimes helps but you might not be old enough
self help recovery books on OCD have useful advice, 'brainlock' is helpful for unwanted thoughts
Zoie97
09-11-2005, 06:11 PM
Cocktail.....
Just a thought, could it be you "blame" others for the bathrooms being "Dirty",so you lash-out, at no one in particular?
I used to steal from a wealthy lady I worked for, and thru therapy, I decided it was because "she" made me feel inferior (poor), so, I would steal to releave her of some of her wealth for myself ( and she never would catch me) ------OCD thoughts----
Just a thought, could it be you "blame" others for the bathrooms being "Dirty",so you lash-out, at no one in particular?
I used to steal from a wealthy lady I worked for, and thru therapy, I decided it was because "she" made me feel inferior (poor), so, I would steal to releave her of some of her wealth for myself ( and she never would catch me) ------OCD thoughts----