frozeninside
09-10-2005, 03:11 PM
These memories just came back to me after many years...strange
I guess it all started when I was 9 or 10. I heard voices in my head telling me, "I wish mom was dead, kill mom, I want her to die." Whenever I saw the image of a casket, a cemetery, a funeral, I instantly associated it with one of my family members, mostly my mom.
I had rituals: I made myself tap the window before anyone managed to pull out of the driveway, otherwise the person would get into a crash and die. The same thing occured with tapping the sink before anyone walked out the door. If I didn't color a picture for my mom every weekend before she went to work (she was a nurse), something horrible would happen to her.
I used to watch tv and pick out one word or phrase that would gallop around in my head for days.
I used to think people could read my mind and that news anchors were watching me.
I never told anyone. I thought I was possessed by the devil and I guess I just prayed and prayed for God to perform an exorcism or something, because eventually it all stopped.
Years later, my perfectionism and shyness turned into full blown anxiety and depression, and now I have major depressive disorder, anxiety, and obsessive thinking. I'll add that I had my thyroid removed at age 18 (I'm 20 now) and my parents use the thyroid as the source of any and all of my mental issues. But, knowing what I know about my past, I just can't help but think it's not my thyroid. I just want someone to agree with me. I have been fighting my parents for years and it is really causing me so much pain. I'm tired of having to prove myself. They're in denial of my depression and hate all of my therapists and psychiatrists. I'm just trying to get better. Is anyone out there on my side? I don't know what to do. :(
I guess it all started when I was 9 or 10. I heard voices in my head telling me, "I wish mom was dead, kill mom, I want her to die." Whenever I saw the image of a casket, a cemetery, a funeral, I instantly associated it with one of my family members, mostly my mom.
I had rituals: I made myself tap the window before anyone managed to pull out of the driveway, otherwise the person would get into a crash and die. The same thing occured with tapping the sink before anyone walked out the door. If I didn't color a picture for my mom every weekend before she went to work (she was a nurse), something horrible would happen to her.
I used to watch tv and pick out one word or phrase that would gallop around in my head for days.
I used to think people could read my mind and that news anchors were watching me.
I never told anyone. I thought I was possessed by the devil and I guess I just prayed and prayed for God to perform an exorcism or something, because eventually it all stopped.
Years later, my perfectionism and shyness turned into full blown anxiety and depression, and now I have major depressive disorder, anxiety, and obsessive thinking. I'll add that I had my thyroid removed at age 18 (I'm 20 now) and my parents use the thyroid as the source of any and all of my mental issues. But, knowing what I know about my past, I just can't help but think it's not my thyroid. I just want someone to agree with me. I have been fighting my parents for years and it is really causing me so much pain. I'm tired of having to prove myself. They're in denial of my depression and hate all of my therapists and psychiatrists. I'm just trying to get better. Is anyone out there on my side? I don't know what to do. :(
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sinnister81
09-10-2005, 04:22 PM
why was your thyroid removed?
Punkdizzle
09-10-2005, 04:33 PM
"I used to think people could read my mind and that news anchors were watching me."
sounds like maybe you were a little paranoid but i dont know..
when i was young ( 8- 10 ) i had to snap my fingers twice everytime i entered a dark room or before i went to bed or the wolfman would get me.. :dizzy: sounds strange even to me when i say it now but at the time it was very real. i dont know if thats paranoia or what but its kind of like what you were talking about.
the rest of what you said sounds a lot like OCD (intrusive thoughts) and not thyroid.
sounds like maybe you were a little paranoid but i dont know..
when i was young ( 8- 10 ) i had to snap my fingers twice everytime i entered a dark room or before i went to bed or the wolfman would get me.. :dizzy: sounds strange even to me when i say it now but at the time it was very real. i dont know if thats paranoia or what but its kind of like what you were talking about.
the rest of what you said sounds a lot like OCD (intrusive thoughts) and not thyroid.
frozeninside
09-10-2005, 05:53 PM
Oh, cancer. Does that make the thyroid to blame for everything and I'm wrong? I can't deal with that.
bkm4673
09-10-2005, 06:34 PM
i have ocd and my parents think its my the reason for all my mental issues and i wont try to defend myself anymore i think it gets so old and ridiculous.ive had crazy thought also and now i just saw a movie emily rose excosim and i want to goto church i go anyways.i hope the lexapro helps me are you taking any medicine?i bet its not all from your thyroid you know your past better than anyone i feel for you and believe you.
GatsbyLuvr1920
09-10-2005, 09:29 PM
Oh, how I know the torment of having intrusive thoughts that your mom is dead, being possessed by the devil, getting quotes from movies and TV stuck in my head all day long, and having images (in my case, any religious image or word) provoke the terrible obsessions... Being a pure obsessional sucks, especially when you're really religious and you have blasphemous thoughts like I do! Feel free to come and talk whenever you need to... :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
bkm4673
09-10-2005, 10:37 PM
gatsby i have odd thoughts like that but i can control them at times i think. didnt you say you have taken lexapro? does it help you?ive thought a evil spirit wants me to not do well in life isnt that part of my ocd also? you seem cool to talk to.....
Brandon
Brandon
GatsbyLuvr1920
09-11-2005, 09:38 AM
bkm- I did take Lexapro after I took Zoloft, and it actually made the OCD worse, so now I'm on 250 mg of Zoloft, and it doesn't really help either, but I'm starting CBT in two weeks. I have something similar: I think that if I say that I'll do well on a test, that God will punish me for being cocky and make me fail... Write back soon! :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
frozeninside
09-11-2005, 01:45 PM
Sorry to interject here, but I'd really just like your guys' opinions-is my current depression/anxiety/OCD connected to the horrible OCD I suffered with as a child, or do you think it's because of my thyroid (which didn't act up until about 2 years ago)? I say I was destined to this mental distress all along based on my childhood. I just want someone to agree with me...I can't take fighting my parents anymore...
bkm4673
09-11-2005, 02:51 PM
frozen i wouldnt think its your thyroid at all........gatsburt what is CBT? is that some new meds? if you feel your saying your gonna do good on a test keep it up cause i dont feel god will punish you becausae of that, keep doing well in school. i am witing till thursday when i go back to my drs to make sure my insurance covers lexapro before i start my samples i have like 60 samples. bye write back
GatsbyLuvr1920
09-11-2005, 06:53 PM
frozen- In my first post I said that I had very similar symptoms as you, so yes, I believe it's OCD, and yes, OCD often begins in early childhood as mine did. I was obsessive-compulsive since three/four...
bkm- CBT stands for Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy and is a way to block obsessions, stop catastrophic thinking, and resist doing compulsions or, in my case, mentally neutralizing. Have you read the fifth Harry Potter book? It was my favorite b/c it dealt with a lot of psychological issues- occlumency reminded me a lot of CBT: Harry was forced to think "bad thoughts" and try to block them out of his mind... ;) Anyway, it doesn't cure OCD, but it enables you to let go of the obsessions and make you able to live your life. CBT and meds don't usually work alone, but when combined, usually do wonders. I can tell you the exact moment that the "failure" obsession started: in seventh grade, I was sick and had to take a make-up test on adding and subtracting fractions, one of the few things, besides algebra, that I completely excel at in math. I remember thinking that I definitely aced the test, but I think my mind was still foggy from the cold or whatever, and I ended up getting a C. This was the time when my OCD was at its worse, and this started a snowball of superstitious, "magical" obsessions and compulsions. Now, every day before I go to school, but especially on test days, I spray at least four spritzes of a certain perfume on my wrists (five if there's excessive worry) and while I rub my wrists together, I repeatedly say, "Please, God, make me do good on such-and-such," or "have done good" if it's already been completed; I repeat "please" according to the worry as well- the more times, the worse the fear. Notice that I say "do good" rather than "do well," which as someone who's a stickler for proper grammar seems odd, but I began this compulsion around seventh grade (definitely by eighth), and I didn't know the difference between the correct uses of "good" and "well" yet- learned that around tenth grade- and I'm afraid of the consequences if I change the wording... :rolleyes: I also have a hierarchy of "lucky socks" for test days (worn, fuzzy blue, then worn, fuzzy gray, then socks that say "good luck," then second pair of "good luck"- I don't usually get to the fourth unless it's finals b/c I only wear them the same week if there's back-to-back tests) and I started having "lucky bracelets" and "lucky seats" in classrooms in sixth grade, when the OCD was just beginning to get bad. I had this one bracelet that was tied in a knot, so it wouldn't come off, and when it finally did fall off, I wasn't happy. Also, in my math/science class, we didn't have assigned seats, so I would try to get to class first to get my favorite seat- I would be sooo mad if someone already had it (especially on math test day...), and sometimes my friends would take it just to goad me. Then I got one of those ugly power bracelets, but the color meant "intelligence," so I wore it every day. Needless to say, I've had many instances of superstitious OCD, and I probably have more current examples, but they're harder to think of when you're currently doing them, unless it's a very frequent, obvious compulsion. Write back soon! :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
bkm- CBT stands for Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy and is a way to block obsessions, stop catastrophic thinking, and resist doing compulsions or, in my case, mentally neutralizing. Have you read the fifth Harry Potter book? It was my favorite b/c it dealt with a lot of psychological issues- occlumency reminded me a lot of CBT: Harry was forced to think "bad thoughts" and try to block them out of his mind... ;) Anyway, it doesn't cure OCD, but it enables you to let go of the obsessions and make you able to live your life. CBT and meds don't usually work alone, but when combined, usually do wonders. I can tell you the exact moment that the "failure" obsession started: in seventh grade, I was sick and had to take a make-up test on adding and subtracting fractions, one of the few things, besides algebra, that I completely excel at in math. I remember thinking that I definitely aced the test, but I think my mind was still foggy from the cold or whatever, and I ended up getting a C. This was the time when my OCD was at its worse, and this started a snowball of superstitious, "magical" obsessions and compulsions. Now, every day before I go to school, but especially on test days, I spray at least four spritzes of a certain perfume on my wrists (five if there's excessive worry) and while I rub my wrists together, I repeatedly say, "Please, God, make me do good on such-and-such," or "have done good" if it's already been completed; I repeat "please" according to the worry as well- the more times, the worse the fear. Notice that I say "do good" rather than "do well," which as someone who's a stickler for proper grammar seems odd, but I began this compulsion around seventh grade (definitely by eighth), and I didn't know the difference between the correct uses of "good" and "well" yet- learned that around tenth grade- and I'm afraid of the consequences if I change the wording... :rolleyes: I also have a hierarchy of "lucky socks" for test days (worn, fuzzy blue, then worn, fuzzy gray, then socks that say "good luck," then second pair of "good luck"- I don't usually get to the fourth unless it's finals b/c I only wear them the same week if there's back-to-back tests) and I started having "lucky bracelets" and "lucky seats" in classrooms in sixth grade, when the OCD was just beginning to get bad. I had this one bracelet that was tied in a knot, so it wouldn't come off, and when it finally did fall off, I wasn't happy. Also, in my math/science class, we didn't have assigned seats, so I would try to get to class first to get my favorite seat- I would be sooo mad if someone already had it (especially on math test day...), and sometimes my friends would take it just to goad me. Then I got one of those ugly power bracelets, but the color meant "intelligence," so I wore it every day. Needless to say, I've had many instances of superstitious OCD, and I probably have more current examples, but they're harder to think of when you're currently doing them, unless it's a very frequent, obvious compulsion. Write back soon! :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
bkm4673
09-11-2005, 07:54 PM
gatsby your a good person ilike you...........
GatsbyLuvr1920
09-12-2005, 01:35 AM
Thanks! It's nice to have yet another OCD-friend on here in addition to CuriousLearner and Amberay! Write back soon! :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
aloneintheworld
09-17-2005, 12:18 AM
i think you know whats wrong with you and sometimes its hard for parents to accept that you have a mental problem. my doctor still doensnt know whats wrong with me all he knows is i have ocd and some other stuff he said i a have a severe phyciatric disorder but he doesnt know what. but my parents think im just over reacting i want them to just shut up i know i over react to things but i cant help it. anyway i think you know yourself better than anyone so i belive you
seriousperson
09-17-2005, 04:22 PM
I think frozeninside (what a sad name! :( ) has left the building, so to speak.
But, in case you check back here...
And in the interest of trying to give your family a way out of a mind set that seems to serve them as a cloak of denial, which they "need" because of society's still-ever present prejudice/fear of mental illness...
Thyroid cancer, as you probably know, is typically caused by exposure to environmental contaminants (nuclear weapon detonation, etc.).
It's possible that whatever pollutants contributed to your cancer could also have contributed to your OCD. Perhaps you could steer the conversation in this direction the next time they mention the thyroid as the root of all of your "problems."
BTW, when I was a kid, I would "have to" pull the sheet over my head with just the openings of my nostrils exposed, or else monsters/scary animals/scary people would find me.
What you posted reminded me of: from about the ages of 6 to 16, in 3 different houses and states, I had 2 dog puppets, one each on a bed post at the head of the bed. One had white fur; he protected me during the day. One had black fur; he protected me at night.
But, in case you check back here...
And in the interest of trying to give your family a way out of a mind set that seems to serve them as a cloak of denial, which they "need" because of society's still-ever present prejudice/fear of mental illness...
Thyroid cancer, as you probably know, is typically caused by exposure to environmental contaminants (nuclear weapon detonation, etc.).
It's possible that whatever pollutants contributed to your cancer could also have contributed to your OCD. Perhaps you could steer the conversation in this direction the next time they mention the thyroid as the root of all of your "problems."
BTW, when I was a kid, I would "have to" pull the sheet over my head with just the openings of my nostrils exposed, or else monsters/scary animals/scary people would find me.
What you posted reminded me of: from about the ages of 6 to 16, in 3 different houses and states, I had 2 dog puppets, one each on a bed post at the head of the bed. One had white fur; he protected me during the day. One had black fur; he protected me at night.