jeffs1fan4ever
09-12-2005, 10:23 AM
They say there is a .04% chance of anyone getting this type of cancer under the age of 40. My husband is 33. I am writing out of desperation. My husband is my life. We were friends for many years before I decided to take the chance on him. It was the best decision I ever made. We have been together 7 years now.
They have tried every type of chemo. Hes gone through radiation. Which put him in the hospital twice. The dr. is suppose to be the best in his field.
I believe there is someone out there made for everyone. Your lucky if you get to find that once in your life. Jeff is mine. We dont just love each other. We are in love..and after 7 years thats hard to find. You can have your whole life planned out and something can come along and punch you right in the face. I watch him fade away a little every day. We have 2 boys.This has been so hard on them too.
The dr told me he has exhausted all possiblities. The tumor is resisting everything given to it. He told me its time to take a leave from work. That I'll be lucky if he makes it to Christmas of this year.
I could be doing dishes and the radio could be playing and he would come up from behind and make me dance with him. Wet hands and all he didnt care. First thing I would wake up in the morning and he would say " Do you know how beautiful you are" I'd look behind me and say you can't be talking to me. He would call me at least once a day and say.....have I told you today how much I love you? He would walk around with a zucchinni on his head if he thought it would make me smile. See its not just the big things. Its the little things. He is all about the little things. He is all that I am.
I sat down with Jeff the other night and took his hand as he was laying down and said to him.
Jeff, we don't know whats going to happen and I'm not about to stop praying. But we don't know what Gods will is but we have to trust Him and know that He is right in all things.
I told him..I am only going to say this once because in my heart I have to have faith that God will heal you but..if times get to be too much of a struggle, if the suffering is too much. If it is time for you to go "home" and you know it in your heart . Don't hold on for me. A tear ran down his face and he shook his head no. I said Jeff, I have loved you from the beginning and I will always love you, nothing will ever change that. Ever. I know if it is your time one day we will see each other again, and you promised me once that you would be there waiting for me.. Do not worry about me. I will be ok.
I would have to say that was the hardest thing I ever had to say to him. In my heart I know if he goes I will have a hurt beyond any words I could ever describe it but I don't want him to worry about me. I don't want to see him suffering when the time comes. Hes having such a hard time now and at home even with his oxygen I can tell what a hard time he is having.
I think he thinks hes invincible. He still does things around here like nothing is wrong with him. Until he has to sit down because hes out of breath.
My heart is so heavy and I have ache inside me that I cannot even describe. I cannot face this world without him. I am dieing inside. Please if you have time...any words of encouragment?
They have tried every type of chemo. Hes gone through radiation. Which put him in the hospital twice. The dr. is suppose to be the best in his field.
I believe there is someone out there made for everyone. Your lucky if you get to find that once in your life. Jeff is mine. We dont just love each other. We are in love..and after 7 years thats hard to find. You can have your whole life planned out and something can come along and punch you right in the face. I watch him fade away a little every day. We have 2 boys.This has been so hard on them too.
The dr told me he has exhausted all possiblities. The tumor is resisting everything given to it. He told me its time to take a leave from work. That I'll be lucky if he makes it to Christmas of this year.
I could be doing dishes and the radio could be playing and he would come up from behind and make me dance with him. Wet hands and all he didnt care. First thing I would wake up in the morning and he would say " Do you know how beautiful you are" I'd look behind me and say you can't be talking to me. He would call me at least once a day and say.....have I told you today how much I love you? He would walk around with a zucchinni on his head if he thought it would make me smile. See its not just the big things. Its the little things. He is all about the little things. He is all that I am.
I sat down with Jeff the other night and took his hand as he was laying down and said to him.
Jeff, we don't know whats going to happen and I'm not about to stop praying. But we don't know what Gods will is but we have to trust Him and know that He is right in all things.
I told him..I am only going to say this once because in my heart I have to have faith that God will heal you but..if times get to be too much of a struggle, if the suffering is too much. If it is time for you to go "home" and you know it in your heart . Don't hold on for me. A tear ran down his face and he shook his head no. I said Jeff, I have loved you from the beginning and I will always love you, nothing will ever change that. Ever. I know if it is your time one day we will see each other again, and you promised me once that you would be there waiting for me.. Do not worry about me. I will be ok.
I would have to say that was the hardest thing I ever had to say to him. In my heart I know if he goes I will have a hurt beyond any words I could ever describe it but I don't want him to worry about me. I don't want to see him suffering when the time comes. Hes having such a hard time now and at home even with his oxygen I can tell what a hard time he is having.
I think he thinks hes invincible. He still does things around here like nothing is wrong with him. Until he has to sit down because hes out of breath.
My heart is so heavy and I have ache inside me that I cannot even describe. I cannot face this world without him. I am dieing inside. Please if you have time...any words of encouragment?
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Karen44
09-12-2005, 04:05 PM
I am so very sorry to hear about your hubby!!
My hubby also has SCLC,he is 44 Y.O.,he has had 9 rounds of chemo,and 36 rounds of radiation!!
Have you tried to seek a second opinion?? Have you checked on clinical trials in your area??
I know believe me that this is rough,but remember the bible states that God will never give us more than we can bear!!
Now is the time to make everlasting memories!!
I will pray for you and your family!!
Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible
God Bless
Karen44
My hubby also has SCLC,he is 44 Y.O.,he has had 9 rounds of chemo,and 36 rounds of radiation!!
Have you tried to seek a second opinion?? Have you checked on clinical trials in your area??
I know believe me that this is rough,but remember the bible states that God will never give us more than we can bear!!
Now is the time to make everlasting memories!!
I will pray for you and your family!!
Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible, and achieves the impossible
God Bless
Karen44
jeffs1fan4ever
09-12-2005, 10:07 PM
Thanks for replying Karen. My heart goes out to you and your husband because I am exactly in the place you are in.
This has been the hardest 6 months of our lives. Yes we've gotten a second opinion from Roswell Cancer Institute. They looked at his records and said they would not do anything different then his doctor has already done. That his doctor is the best of the best and he is doing all the right things. I've tried putting him on an alkaline diet which worked for a friend. Tumors arent suppose to be able to live in alkaline. That didnt work for Jeff.
He had chemo again today and had more tests done. The tumor has started growing again. His breathing is getting worse because of it.
I know they say God doesnt give you more than you can handle. But sometimes I think God has way too much faith in me. I'm a sunday school teacher of elementary children and its getting harder because my faith is like a rope right now and I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life. Have you ever felt like God isn't listening? The hurt is so great, and so many prayers go unanswered.
Yes I make the most of every minute I have with him...and put on a smile.
Thank you for your prayers and you will have mine as well.
This has been the hardest 6 months of our lives. Yes we've gotten a second opinion from Roswell Cancer Institute. They looked at his records and said they would not do anything different then his doctor has already done. That his doctor is the best of the best and he is doing all the right things. I've tried putting him on an alkaline diet which worked for a friend. Tumors arent suppose to be able to live in alkaline. That didnt work for Jeff.
He had chemo again today and had more tests done. The tumor has started growing again. His breathing is getting worse because of it.
I know they say God doesnt give you more than you can handle. But sometimes I think God has way too much faith in me. I'm a sunday school teacher of elementary children and its getting harder because my faith is like a rope right now and I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life. Have you ever felt like God isn't listening? The hurt is so great, and so many prayers go unanswered.
Yes I make the most of every minute I have with him...and put on a smile.
Thank you for your prayers and you will have mine as well.
Soulcatcher
09-12-2005, 10:42 PM
My husband is a radiation therapist so I hear the stories all the time and they break my heart. I know this is a hard time for you right now but make sure you know all his last wishes just in case. All you can do is live each day as if it were your last, you should do that anyway. My neighbor past two years ago and the day he got the terminal diagnoses he came over while I was trimming the hedges and he talked to me as no one would hear him, almost like I was God. He said "I'm afraid to leave Sue, I don't know if she can make it without me. I don't want to leave my son (he was 8)". I reasured him that Sue and his son would be ok that she was a very strong woman and her faith in God was VERY strong. About two weeks later he fell asleep for good while she read him Psalms. My husband was honest with her and even though the doctors told him six months my dh told her more like three weeks. She took my husbands advice and knew exactly what her husbands wishes were. Sue was a bit scared at first and called me alot. I would bring food over for her and teach her how to do things that a guy normally would do. I taught her how to fix almost everything. I'm a strong independant woman so I helped her, I hope so anyway. Her husband was all she ever knew, like you. She's learned to live without him in the physical sense and knows they will be together again. You will go on because you HAVE to. I'm sorry your heart is breaking, be strong for your husband. Have you talked with Hope Hospice? They are not always there for the "dying" but to help ease any discomfort. IF his breathing is getting worse you might want to bring them in to help. They will do anything and everything for him and you. I'm sure your doctor has told you that.
As far as your faith, YES this is a test. Don't you think the devil wants you to doubt God? By even thinking for a second that God is cruel your making Satan happy. Rejoice because there IS a life after this one. Look around you.....go look at the stars and tell me that there isn't a God! It's so much bigger then we are. IF your sad be sad that he is suffering here on earth not that his physical presence will be gone. IT's only temporary and you'll be together again. That's all faith is......you have to believe. Prayers do NOT go unanswered.....sometimes they are not meant to be granted again, it's something bigger then us. Angels are around you....talk to them, God, is around you...talk to him...and don't stop, he will give you strength I promise. Lots of love to you.
As far as your faith, YES this is a test. Don't you think the devil wants you to doubt God? By even thinking for a second that God is cruel your making Satan happy. Rejoice because there IS a life after this one. Look around you.....go look at the stars and tell me that there isn't a God! It's so much bigger then we are. IF your sad be sad that he is suffering here on earth not that his physical presence will be gone. IT's only temporary and you'll be together again. That's all faith is......you have to believe. Prayers do NOT go unanswered.....sometimes they are not meant to be granted again, it's something bigger then us. Angels are around you....talk to them, God, is around you...talk to him...and don't stop, he will give you strength I promise. Lots of love to you.
jeffs1fan4ever
09-12-2005, 11:15 PM
Thank you soulcatcher. Your reply touched me more than you could ever, ever realize. As heavy as the hurt is..you made me look at it differently, for that I thank you.
May God Bless you and keep you.
May God Bless you and keep you.
tuckygal
09-13-2005, 07:24 AM
I also send my thoughts and prayers to you and your precious husband. I was diagnosed in April, had twelve aggressive chemos and 34 radiations. My SCLC was considered limited stage even though it had spread to lymph nodes by my right collarbone and each side of my neck. I just finished brain radiation, because chemo can't get there like it does throughout the body. Some side effects were pretty bad and I still have bad headaches. The good news is my last scan was 'clean.' The outlook with SCLC is still not as good as I would like. I spend each day asking our Lord to walk with me and I find so much comfort from Him. You sound like such a loving person and I know your heart is breaking. I am praying for you all and always remember that miracles do happen and sometimes in our darkest hour we receive the help we need. The only certain thing I can hang on to is that there is a reason for everything and it might be a long time before we see it. God bless you and give you both strength for the journey.
carolina girls
09-13-2005, 09:19 AM
What does one say to another ..about death. I am a Buddhist, and we believe in re-incarnation. I read the posts and and assume you are christian. What do you believe.
Death for us Buddhists- is sad, we grieve - but it is also a time of joy knowing they will be back. Please accept my sincere condolences.. may you and your families be strong.
Death for us Buddhists- is sad, we grieve - but it is also a time of joy knowing they will be back. Please accept my sincere condolences.. may you and your families be strong.
jeffs1fan4ever
09-13-2005, 10:58 AM
Thank you tuckygal and I pray your cancer stays gone. You're a strong person having to go through that and my thoughts are with you. I can't imagine life without Jeff. If he goes hes taking my heart with him. I know we will see each other again in Heaven one day but it doesnt take the hurt away that I have now. Sometimes it feels its someone elses life I'm in because the pain is so great. Jeff is so young, this doesnt seem possible. Hes my everything. My best friend.
Thank you for the kind words.
Thank you for the kind words.
jeffs1fan4ever
09-13-2005, 10:32 PM
Dear Kimoslos,
I don't know what help I can be but I will try. I know the hurt and I am there with you. When the spot on his lung was found they assumed it was an infection. They said at his age of 33, there is no way it can be anything cancer related. Then we got a biopsy done. Then our world fell apart. In the past 6 months they have changed his chemo more times then I can count. Because nothing is working.
Small cell is a tough one and very deadly. They don't give much hope to the ones of us that are looking for it. The tumor/mass is in his left lung and some lymph nodes. He went through 6 weeks straight of radiation which seemed to of stunned it. But as you know you can only get so much radiation before it will kill you. So to speak.
Small cell is related to asbestos. Jeff worked with asbestos for 9 years, but we thought his equipment and clothing kept him safe. Because of his age its growing at a faster rate because of his metabolism is running faster then say someone whos elderly. I put him on an alkaline diet. I did some research and it said tumors cannot live in alkaline bodies. But like everything else because small cell is so aggressive and because Jeff is so young anything given to it did not help. Epoposide, Cisplatin, there are many others but I don't have it all in my head at the moment.
Brain radiation has not even been discussed. The dr feels its not necessary in his case. That they need to worry about the tumor at hand before anything else. As far as clinical trials. Nothing. Small cell is so rare. It makes up for 15% of all lung cancers. I can find so much information on non-small cell but nothing on small cell. I do know the outcome is worse then any other lung cancer. 10% chance of survival past 2 years. Without treatment 2-3 months survival, and so on.
The doctor is desperate. Because the tumor has grown immensly the last 3 weeks. He told him he was going in the hospital or keep driving to his office 104 miles round trip for 4 days straight to get chemo. This is the last thing he is trying. The chemo thats being used is Topotecan Hydrochloride. The dr has tried every other combination he can. Nothing has worked. I've gotten second opinions, they all tell us the same thing. If I can be of any more help please please don't hesitate to ask.
Jeff and I are both 33 years old. I see so many people sweat over the little things. I wish people would see whats important. What matters. If I could stop time...I would do it in a moment. Hes sleeping now and as I sit here and watch him sleep, tears flood my face knowing that one day I may not be sitting here watching him sleep. The ache inside is something that never goes away. Something I could never describe. I am afraid, afraid that I won't know how to carry on without him. I have never been so in love in my life. He always made me see the world a little bit differently. That things may be not as bad as I think. He makes that glass 1/2 full instead of 1/2 empty. The ache hurts but everyday I wake up I put that smile on my face for him and I thank God he let me love Jeff for the time hes given to me. Every night I pray for Him to give me one more day.
Thank you for your thoughts. My prayers are with you.
I don't know what help I can be but I will try. I know the hurt and I am there with you. When the spot on his lung was found they assumed it was an infection. They said at his age of 33, there is no way it can be anything cancer related. Then we got a biopsy done. Then our world fell apart. In the past 6 months they have changed his chemo more times then I can count. Because nothing is working.
Small cell is a tough one and very deadly. They don't give much hope to the ones of us that are looking for it. The tumor/mass is in his left lung and some lymph nodes. He went through 6 weeks straight of radiation which seemed to of stunned it. But as you know you can only get so much radiation before it will kill you. So to speak.
Small cell is related to asbestos. Jeff worked with asbestos for 9 years, but we thought his equipment and clothing kept him safe. Because of his age its growing at a faster rate because of his metabolism is running faster then say someone whos elderly. I put him on an alkaline diet. I did some research and it said tumors cannot live in alkaline bodies. But like everything else because small cell is so aggressive and because Jeff is so young anything given to it did not help. Epoposide, Cisplatin, there are many others but I don't have it all in my head at the moment.
Brain radiation has not even been discussed. The dr feels its not necessary in his case. That they need to worry about the tumor at hand before anything else. As far as clinical trials. Nothing. Small cell is so rare. It makes up for 15% of all lung cancers. I can find so much information on non-small cell but nothing on small cell. I do know the outcome is worse then any other lung cancer. 10% chance of survival past 2 years. Without treatment 2-3 months survival, and so on.
The doctor is desperate. Because the tumor has grown immensly the last 3 weeks. He told him he was going in the hospital or keep driving to his office 104 miles round trip for 4 days straight to get chemo. This is the last thing he is trying. The chemo thats being used is Topotecan Hydrochloride. The dr has tried every other combination he can. Nothing has worked. I've gotten second opinions, they all tell us the same thing. If I can be of any more help please please don't hesitate to ask.
Jeff and I are both 33 years old. I see so many people sweat over the little things. I wish people would see whats important. What matters. If I could stop time...I would do it in a moment. Hes sleeping now and as I sit here and watch him sleep, tears flood my face knowing that one day I may not be sitting here watching him sleep. The ache inside is something that never goes away. Something I could never describe. I am afraid, afraid that I won't know how to carry on without him. I have never been so in love in my life. He always made me see the world a little bit differently. That things may be not as bad as I think. He makes that glass 1/2 full instead of 1/2 empty. The ache hurts but everyday I wake up I put that smile on my face for him and I thank God he let me love Jeff for the time hes given to me. Every night I pray for Him to give me one more day.
Thank you for your thoughts. My prayers are with you.
kicknit2
09-14-2005, 12:15 AM
Fan, I have some understanding as to what you're going thru now, since I've been there and done it. My husband is a small cell survivor, in remission for over 6 years now. But, I went thru the anger, the fear, the tears, the depression, the pleading with God, all of it, because I suddenly realized I wasn't qualified to be alone when he was diagnosed with a 10 centimeter tumor in the left bronchus. He too went thru all the treatment regimen, radiation to the chest, the brain, IV chemo, oral chemo, and was so sick for so long. I was often amazed at how he could tolerate all this, and on Christmas morning, I noticed he had lost all his hair. I don't know what caused this cancer, he's been a smoker, had been exposed to Agent Orange in VietNam, had been a powerhouse operaor in a large sawmill, and exposed to asbestos. Who knows what caused it. We drove 100 miles one way for treatment while I tried to hold down a full-time job to make ends meet without his income. I thank God for his cancer treatment TEAM, who allowed the entire family to be involved, and his oncologist, Dr. David Notter, in Wenatchee, WA, who is a miracle worker in my estimation. Please explore every treatment option and be strong for your husband and your family. Remember, God must believe you have broad shoulders to bear this terrible weight. Good luck and God bless.
Kimslos
09-14-2005, 01:23 AM
In response to kicknit2-
How wonderful to hear your husband is okay after 6 years. How many treatments did he receive to the brain? My husband is so unsure about whole brain radiaiton. Let me know if you have any suggestions or advice. Did they gamma knife or do whole brain radiation?
Very nice to hear positive news about small cell and know there is hope. We hold on to that everyday and Jeff's wife should too.
Thanks for the posting that put a smile on my face knowing someone is doing so well.
Take care....
How wonderful to hear your husband is okay after 6 years. How many treatments did he receive to the brain? My husband is so unsure about whole brain radiaiton. Let me know if you have any suggestions or advice. Did they gamma knife or do whole brain radiation?
Very nice to hear positive news about small cell and know there is hope. We hold on to that everyday and Jeff's wife should too.
Thanks for the posting that put a smile on my face knowing someone is doing so well.
Take care....
sheryl555
09-14-2005, 07:24 AM
jeffs1fan4ever,
You will now be in my prayers. My heart goes out to you, Jeff and your boys. But please, please believe that God will make the difference. Do you watch Joel Osteen? I have never gotten into watching preachers on TV, but we love Joel. He is so positive. His own Mom had cancer, BUT refused to die. Her situation was "hopeless", she placed her faith in God and stayed positive. Today, you will see her in the front row of all his sermons! She is a beautiful lady.
You guys are so young, I am so sorry you have to experience something like this. You have something though with your beautiful husband, some will never. Cherish it, keep praying and I will be praying hard with you also.
With prayers,
Sheryl
You will now be in my prayers. My heart goes out to you, Jeff and your boys. But please, please believe that God will make the difference. Do you watch Joel Osteen? I have never gotten into watching preachers on TV, but we love Joel. He is so positive. His own Mom had cancer, BUT refused to die. Her situation was "hopeless", she placed her faith in God and stayed positive. Today, you will see her in the front row of all his sermons! She is a beautiful lady.
You guys are so young, I am so sorry you have to experience something like this. You have something though with your beautiful husband, some will never. Cherish it, keep praying and I will be praying hard with you also.
With prayers,
Sheryl
jeffs1fan4ever
09-15-2005, 12:03 AM
Thank you for all the beautiful replies. Talking with all of you has helped me so much. I have family and friends here but they have all gotten to the point where they don't know what to say anymore because they havent been where we all are. Its hard to imagine it unless your in it. Somehow as hard as it is we all here at this forum have to reach down and pull what little bit of strength we have and get through it one day at a time. I know its a lot easier to say then to do. Jeff and I planned our whole lives out. At 33 you think you have all the time in the world. My reality is this nightmare but everyday I pray that God gives me one more day. One more memory. At times the anger wants to take over, because the hurt is so great and you feel so helpless. I have to hold on to the fact that with God nothing is impossible, and I try to hold onto my faith a little bit tighter. Each and everyone of you are in my prayers and thank you for your warm thoughts and your prayers for us.
Janmarie2
09-15-2005, 03:17 AM
I just want to say that you, Jeff and your boys will be in my prayers.You are lucky in the fact that you found your true love as so many people never do.Continue to enjoy what days god gives you. I know that is easier said then done but I know for my mom it is much easier for her to just go on with life as if she has forever rather then spend time thinking of the cancer and what lays ahead.Hey it must be working as she is a 14 month survivor of Stage IV NSCLC at this point and is still out living. My heart goes out to you both and the fact you are too young to have to go through this. Use this message board to vent any time you need to as it does really help and everyone here knows what it is like to be dealing with lung cancer .Best wishes to you, JanMarie
Lady_J_1_01
09-16-2005, 03:08 AM
My prayers are with you.... I cried at your post knowing of the despair, sorrow so great its unexplainable...Take pictures, have him write letters to your children, If possible cam what he would like to say to them, record his voice for them... maybe the songs they sang.. etc... .. even if he has to go into another room and do it alone...Trace his hand ... We did these kinds of things. It gave us a sense of peace. He to is my soul mate, cut of the same fabric.... Although Clints ca hasnt returned, I know your heart aches and the exhaustion to the point we just cry out at a loss for words.... feel free to read my posts.
For us, as christians ...although the time apart is hard on us, we know we will be together again...
Someone once told me, You and Clint dont belong here, its not the end... yes we live in the USA, but it is all like being in newguinea (sp), china,etc.. You are on a missionary field here on earth, our real home IS heaven. From then on I looked at it so differently, This ISNT our real home, and as many missionarys do , we go threw trials, tribulations, diversity, sorrow, hardships and some times die in untimly manner on this missionary field.....and although it is painful, we had come to the conclusion that if, and when clint/I die (we are all termanial), we will also feel a sense of honor, knowing we upheld our minestry here on earth, we fought a good fight, and was a faithful servants. That will never make it any easier. I cannot see myself living without seeing his face everyday. I have to trust God will help me with all those uncertainties when his/ or my time comes.
Dont waste a second. Document memories for your children. Get rest as much as you can, take care of yourself. I will be praying for you both. Sending Love... Mattie
For us, as christians ...although the time apart is hard on us, we know we will be together again...
Someone once told me, You and Clint dont belong here, its not the end... yes we live in the USA, but it is all like being in newguinea (sp), china,etc.. You are on a missionary field here on earth, our real home IS heaven. From then on I looked at it so differently, This ISNT our real home, and as many missionarys do , we go threw trials, tribulations, diversity, sorrow, hardships and some times die in untimly manner on this missionary field.....and although it is painful, we had come to the conclusion that if, and when clint/I die (we are all termanial), we will also feel a sense of honor, knowing we upheld our minestry here on earth, we fought a good fight, and was a faithful servants. That will never make it any easier. I cannot see myself living without seeing his face everyday. I have to trust God will help me with all those uncertainties when his/ or my time comes.
Dont waste a second. Document memories for your children. Get rest as much as you can, take care of yourself. I will be praying for you both. Sending Love... Mattie
jeffs1fan4ever
09-16-2005, 12:13 PM
Thank you for your heart felt posts and thanks Mattie. You gave me some things to think about. The problem is Jeff seems to be in denial. He says hes not about to go anywhere and that he'll be around a long time no matter what the doctor says. He says a love like ours wasn't meant to end. I know it the darkest days miracles do happen. So I'm letting him hold onto that. In my heart I feel I know what the outcome will be. My fears have come knocking. I found a drawing my 9 year old son had drawn last night. My heart broke when I found this drawing. He drew himself, his brother and his dad and me. Over his dad he wrote special dad. The drawing of me he had drawn tears running down my face. I was speechless.
I'm holding on to every moment I can. Wishing time would slow down.
I know we will be together again one day but its hard when we all live in the here and now. If I could put him in my pocket and keep him there forever I would. I cannot picture living a minute of my life without him in it. When I lost faith in myself he believed in me. When I stumbled he was right there. There were hard times and I know I survived because he stayed right by my side.
I'm glad I didn't know how it would all end because I might have missed the pain but I might have missed the best 7 years of my life. Holding him I held everything.
I know I'm only 33 but I will never love again and thats a vow I've made to myself because he could never be replaced and I could never feel for anyone what I feel for him, and I would never try. When he goes my heart is going with him.
To anyone whos reading this I say this. If you love someone show them everyday and tell them every chance you have because tomorrow may never come.
I'm holding on to every moment I can. Wishing time would slow down.
I know we will be together again one day but its hard when we all live in the here and now. If I could put him in my pocket and keep him there forever I would. I cannot picture living a minute of my life without him in it. When I lost faith in myself he believed in me. When I stumbled he was right there. There were hard times and I know I survived because he stayed right by my side.
I'm glad I didn't know how it would all end because I might have missed the pain but I might have missed the best 7 years of my life. Holding him I held everything.
I know I'm only 33 but I will never love again and thats a vow I've made to myself because he could never be replaced and I could never feel for anyone what I feel for him, and I would never try. When he goes my heart is going with him.
To anyone whos reading this I say this. If you love someone show them everyday and tell them every chance you have because tomorrow may never come.
cdaus
09-16-2005, 12:54 PM
Don't deny your husband or yourself the little bit of hope and optimism that he is hanging on to even if you think you know the outcome. Enjoy what you have regardless to how long he'll be around.They say there is a .04% chance of anyone getting this type of cancer under the age of 40. My husband is 33. I am writing out of desperation. My husband is my life. We were friends for many years before I decided to take the chance on him. It was the best decision I ever made. We have been together 7 years now.
They have tried every type of chemo. Hes gone through radiation. Which put him in the hospital twice. The dr. is suppose to be the best in his field.
I believe there is someone out there made for everyone. Your lucky if you get to find that once in your life. Jeff is mine. We dont just love each other. We are in love..and after 7 years thats hard to find. You can have your whole life planned out and something can come along and punch you right in the face. I watch him fade away a little every day. We have 2 boys.This has been so hard on them too.
The dr told me he has exhausted all possiblities. The tumor is resisting everything given to it. He told me its time to take a leave from work. That I'll be lucky if he makes it to Christmas of this year.
I could be doing dishes and the radio could be playing and he would come up from behind and make me dance with him. Wet hands and all he didnt care. First thing I would wake up in the morning and he would say " Do you know how beautiful you are" I'd look behind me and say you can't be talking to me. He would call me at least once a day and say.....have I told you today how much I love you? He would walk around with a zucchinni on his head if he thought it would make me smile. See its not just the big things. Its the little things. He is all about the little things. He is all that I am.
I sat down with Jeff the other night and took his hand as he was laying down and said to him.
Jeff, we don't know whats going to happen and I'm not about to stop praying. But we don't know what Gods will is but we have to trust Him and know that He is right in all things.
I told him..I am only going to say this once because in my heart I have to have faith that God will heal you but..if times get to be too much of a struggle, if the suffering is too much. If it is time for you to go "home" and you know it in your heart . Don't hold on for me. A tear ran down his face and he shook his head no. I said Jeff, I have loved you from the beginning and I will always love you, nothing will ever change that. Ever. I know if it is your time one day we will see each other again, and you promised me once that you would be there waiting for me.. Do not worry about me. I will be ok.
I would have to say that was the hardest thing I ever had to say to him. In my heart I know if he goes I will have a hurt beyond any words I could ever describe it but I don't want him to worry about me. I don't want to see him suffering when the time comes. Hes having such a hard time now and at home even with his oxygen I can tell what a hard time he is having.
I think he thinks hes invincible. He still does things around here like nothing is wrong with him. Until he has to sit down because hes out of breath.
My heart is so heavy and I have ache inside me that I cannot even describe. I cannot face this world without him. I am dieing inside. Please if you have time...any words of encouragment?
They have tried every type of chemo. Hes gone through radiation. Which put him in the hospital twice. The dr. is suppose to be the best in his field.
I believe there is someone out there made for everyone. Your lucky if you get to find that once in your life. Jeff is mine. We dont just love each other. We are in love..and after 7 years thats hard to find. You can have your whole life planned out and something can come along and punch you right in the face. I watch him fade away a little every day. We have 2 boys.This has been so hard on them too.
The dr told me he has exhausted all possiblities. The tumor is resisting everything given to it. He told me its time to take a leave from work. That I'll be lucky if he makes it to Christmas of this year.
I could be doing dishes and the radio could be playing and he would come up from behind and make me dance with him. Wet hands and all he didnt care. First thing I would wake up in the morning and he would say " Do you know how beautiful you are" I'd look behind me and say you can't be talking to me. He would call me at least once a day and say.....have I told you today how much I love you? He would walk around with a zucchinni on his head if he thought it would make me smile. See its not just the big things. Its the little things. He is all about the little things. He is all that I am.
I sat down with Jeff the other night and took his hand as he was laying down and said to him.
Jeff, we don't know whats going to happen and I'm not about to stop praying. But we don't know what Gods will is but we have to trust Him and know that He is right in all things.
I told him..I am only going to say this once because in my heart I have to have faith that God will heal you but..if times get to be too much of a struggle, if the suffering is too much. If it is time for you to go "home" and you know it in your heart . Don't hold on for me. A tear ran down his face and he shook his head no. I said Jeff, I have loved you from the beginning and I will always love you, nothing will ever change that. Ever. I know if it is your time one day we will see each other again, and you promised me once that you would be there waiting for me.. Do not worry about me. I will be ok.
I would have to say that was the hardest thing I ever had to say to him. In my heart I know if he goes I will have a hurt beyond any words I could ever describe it but I don't want him to worry about me. I don't want to see him suffering when the time comes. Hes having such a hard time now and at home even with his oxygen I can tell what a hard time he is having.
I think he thinks hes invincible. He still does things around here like nothing is wrong with him. Until he has to sit down because hes out of breath.
My heart is so heavy and I have ache inside me that I cannot even describe. I cannot face this world without him. I am dieing inside. Please if you have time...any words of encouragment?
jeffs1fan4ever
09-16-2005, 12:58 PM
I'm trying.......
Janmarie2
09-16-2005, 04:27 PM
Your posts always tug at my heart.I would like to share with you what a dear friend/coworker of mine told me when I commented about my mom living in denial and how hard it was for the rest of us to hear her talk about things that will be years from now knowing in our hearts that she will probably not be here for them unless we see a miracle. This friend found out she had Hodgkins Lymphoma right around Christmas last year, she had a huge tumor wrapped around her heart.She did 12 weeks of chemo and 12 weeks of Radiation and they feel that she is in remission and possibly cured but only time will tell for sure. Alot of people were upset because she too lived in denial and she did not want to even learn anything about the lymphoma. She told me to let my mom live in denial as like her it is the only way she can cope.She said that denial kept her from giving up or sitting around having pity parties it allowed her to live her life as the rest of us do with the belief that she has a life time ahead of her. That made sense to me as my mom is really no different then me, she does not know when she will die as neither do I know as I too could die today or tomorrow we just do not know. My mom's denial no longer bugs me as she is out living which is so much nicer then having her sitting around planning her death. Live each day as it comes and let tomorrow bring what it may, My prayers are with you in this part of the journey we call life. Jan Marie :wave: Hope is a song born of the heart that never stops singing.----Flavia
jeffs1fan4ever
09-16-2005, 08:54 PM
Thank you Janmarie. Maybe in a way that is exactly what my husband is doing. It makes more sense to me since you told me that story. The problem is as hard as he tries to live his life and go go go the more it sets him back. At 33 we all expect we are unstoppable. The little things like going up stairs, playing outside with your kids...more than once he had to sit down before he fell down. Hes never been one to have a pity party for himself. The more someone tells him he can't do something the more determined he is to do it. You're right, any of us can go at anytime but knowing the could be's and probably's are what get us right in the heart. Because we are expecting them. A quick sudden untimely death is never expected. Whether its expected or not...the pain is always there. I don't know if I'm rambling or making any sense. Every night I am on the foot of my bed praying for a miracle, I haven't given up on him. So please don't think I have. But when you watch the days go by and the breathing getting worse along with the pain....you can't help think maybe that miracle won't happen this time.
I'm praying for all of you and your mother too JanMarie.
I'm praying for all of you and your mother too JanMarie.
kicknit2
09-17-2005, 12:57 AM
He had whole brain radiation for 3 weeks (15 times), after he'd finished six weeks to the chest. He had began to cough up blood in April, went to the doctor I don't know how many times, was misdiagnosed each time, and ended up with pneumonia. It wasn't until then that a PA FINALLY did a chest X-ray, and said, hmmm, I think I see something suspicious in there, and sent him home with antibiotics and decided to schedule an MRI after the pneumonia resolved. After a few days, with him getting worse by the minute, his head was terribly swollen, I called our son and had him come down and help me get his Dad into the car and out to the clinic we went, where I made it perfectly plain to the entire place, that my husband was dying and I wanted something done immediately. That's when he went to the nearest larger town, with a cancer treatment center, by ambulance. He had a life-threatening condition called Superior Vena Cava Syndrome, caused by the tumor pressing on the superior vena cava, which was causing his head to swell. By this time, it was June. Small cell cancer grows very quickly, and I'm still angry that we wasted almost 3 months trying to get a diagnosis. I've been a nurse for almost 30 years, and will forever be an advocate for those with cancer or any other catastophic illness.
Karen44
09-17-2005, 02:31 AM
kicknit2
This is a similar scene,the same thing happened to my hubby.In may of this year he went away for the weekend with his nephews,when he retured home I noticed that his face and eyes were quite swollen as well as his neck,I just blew it off until he started with this nasty cough that wouldn't go away,I urged him to see our family Dr,finally he gave in and he made an appointment.
The Dr examined him and told him he had pneumonia,but just to double check things he wanted to do a CXR,well on theCRX was a rather large "mass" measuring 7.5" X 1.5",it was also noted that the tumor was so large it was compressing his esophogus.
He referred my hubby to a pulmonolgist,three weeks later he is seen by the pulmonogist,they do a biopsy a week later,then after three weeks waiting for the results of the biopsy,they call and say the results are inconclusive,so they refer my hubby to a radiologist for a needle aspiration,another week goes go by,my hubby is getting sicker by the minute,now on O2 full time and using a nebulizer,hasn't slept for over three weeks,he can't lay flat due to the tumor compressing his esophogus.
He goes for the needle biopsy,those results are back in three days and he is given the dx as SCLC,he is refered again to a medical oncologist,another week goes past and his symptoms continue to worsen,I even took him to our local hospital and all they did was give him a shot to calm him and a nebulizer tx.
He goes into the oncologists office and this Dr takes one look at my hubby and calls an ambulance and has his direct admit to a larger hospital,he starts chemo that night,the Dr calls me aside and tells me that he doesn't think my hubby will live thru the night,the oncologist states that he was sure my hubby had cancer thru out his body
Still hold on and fighting now his breathing worsens,still unable to lay flat and still unable to sleep he makes it to day 2 in the hospital.
They try to do complete body scans to no avail,of course you must lay flat for those test and my hubby wouldn't tolerate that.
They started to give him injections of Atavan to calm him down and finally on day three they we're able to get the scans.(ca confined to right chest and lymph nodes,but no visible sign of ca elsewhere)
On day four was flurry of activity,they rushed to my hubby's room the radiologist oncologist(whom I never met) comes into the room and tells me they must take my hubby immediately to radiation,that he has a life threating superior vena cava syndrome,and they must shrink the tumor fast and aggressively.
He remained hospitalized for 10 days in total.
To make a long story short,my hubby has had 36 radiation tx and 9 rounds of chemo,two weeks ago he had another body scan and the tumor while it is still visible has decreased in size tremendously.
He now suffers with burns to his esophogus,and still unable to eat some foods,he takes Ensure Plus four times a day and eats what he can.
He is maintaining his weight.
I was very mad that they took so long to dx his condition,perhaps he wouldn't have had to go thru all that if he was promptly dx,in this horrid disease time is of the essence.
My hubby had all the signs and symptoms of superior vena cava syndrome,from the swelling of the face and neck to the venous distension on his chest,and the pulmonolgist had no clue??
This is a similar scene,the same thing happened to my hubby.In may of this year he went away for the weekend with his nephews,when he retured home I noticed that his face and eyes were quite swollen as well as his neck,I just blew it off until he started with this nasty cough that wouldn't go away,I urged him to see our family Dr,finally he gave in and he made an appointment.
The Dr examined him and told him he had pneumonia,but just to double check things he wanted to do a CXR,well on theCRX was a rather large "mass" measuring 7.5" X 1.5",it was also noted that the tumor was so large it was compressing his esophogus.
He referred my hubby to a pulmonolgist,three weeks later he is seen by the pulmonogist,they do a biopsy a week later,then after three weeks waiting for the results of the biopsy,they call and say the results are inconclusive,so they refer my hubby to a radiologist for a needle aspiration,another week goes go by,my hubby is getting sicker by the minute,now on O2 full time and using a nebulizer,hasn't slept for over three weeks,he can't lay flat due to the tumor compressing his esophogus.
He goes for the needle biopsy,those results are back in three days and he is given the dx as SCLC,he is refered again to a medical oncologist,another week goes past and his symptoms continue to worsen,I even took him to our local hospital and all they did was give him a shot to calm him and a nebulizer tx.
He goes into the oncologists office and this Dr takes one look at my hubby and calls an ambulance and has his direct admit to a larger hospital,he starts chemo that night,the Dr calls me aside and tells me that he doesn't think my hubby will live thru the night,the oncologist states that he was sure my hubby had cancer thru out his body
Still hold on and fighting now his breathing worsens,still unable to lay flat and still unable to sleep he makes it to day 2 in the hospital.
They try to do complete body scans to no avail,of course you must lay flat for those test and my hubby wouldn't tolerate that.
They started to give him injections of Atavan to calm him down and finally on day three they we're able to get the scans.(ca confined to right chest and lymph nodes,but no visible sign of ca elsewhere)
On day four was flurry of activity,they rushed to my hubby's room the radiologist oncologist(whom I never met) comes into the room and tells me they must take my hubby immediately to radiation,that he has a life threating superior vena cava syndrome,and they must shrink the tumor fast and aggressively.
He remained hospitalized for 10 days in total.
To make a long story short,my hubby has had 36 radiation tx and 9 rounds of chemo,two weeks ago he had another body scan and the tumor while it is still visible has decreased in size tremendously.
He now suffers with burns to his esophogus,and still unable to eat some foods,he takes Ensure Plus four times a day and eats what he can.
He is maintaining his weight.
I was very mad that they took so long to dx his condition,perhaps he wouldn't have had to go thru all that if he was promptly dx,in this horrid disease time is of the essence.
My hubby had all the signs and symptoms of superior vena cava syndrome,from the swelling of the face and neck to the venous distension on his chest,and the pulmonolgist had no clue??
CamillaNell
10-18-2005, 05:28 PM
blessings to you, I wonder how the past month has been for you.
Your particular love and courage and exhaustion and sadness and cherishing give me the nudge I need, just to extend my own update. It will be in part a response to this sacred conversation, the one you have begun but I will start a new thread I think, to honor my husband, and myself. I do ask that you take time to read it, and know I am thinking of your own journey as well. Different but with so many intersections...Shalom, Cam
Your particular love and courage and exhaustion and sadness and cherishing give me the nudge I need, just to extend my own update. It will be in part a response to this sacred conversation, the one you have begun but I will start a new thread I think, to honor my husband, and myself. I do ask that you take time to read it, and know I am thinking of your own journey as well. Different but with so many intersections...Shalom, Cam
jeffs1fan4ever
10-18-2005, 11:22 PM
CamillaNell,
I read your thread on honoring your husband and my prayers go out to you for comfort and yes, there are so many thing between us that have a likeness.
Its been a month since I've been on and I feel since I've told my story this far for any of you that are keeping up on what happens one day to the next I thought I would tell you what has happened the last month.
My husband was suppose to go into the hospital over night just to get some platelets in his blood because they were so low. That night turned into 2 weeks. All his levels were so low during the next day that they shipped him down to ICU. They said he probably would only have a few days to carry on. He told me that night that God could not let him die that he can't leave me behind. I told him this wasn't about me it was all about him. That I loved him and all my days I would always love him no matter what the outcome. Somehow for some reason he pulled through that. Then he was finally moved to the 9th floor. I never left his side. The morning I was suppose to take him home something horrible happened. He kept saying he couldnt breathe. The nurses kept telling me hes ok hes just over anxious, you need to just calm him down. After another hour I said he can't breathe and I don't know if he can even understand what I am saying to him. They assured me again, just calm him down it will be ok hes just anxious. Another hour went by, then I called his dr myself. He said he would put in an order for a chest xray.
It turned out the good lung had collapsed 90% of the way. The left lung he can't use because of the tumor. They put a chest tube in to try to inflate the lung but told me he wouldnt make it through the night. Once again, he found a way what little strength he had and pulled himself out of that situation once again. He is at home now with me. He has to have a oxygen mask on at all times. His legs and feet have swelled up beyond anyones imagination. He can't walk because he is too weak. He has a fentenyl IV drip at home for pain. The nurse comes every 3 days to change it. He sleeps in a big fluffy recliner we have here at home because he can't lay flat on his back. He suffocates if he lays back to far.
He'll still tell you there is always hope if your faith is strong enough... and faith can move a mountain. I am afraid he will suffocate because his breathing is so bad. He has a high flow concentrator at home and its up as far as it can go. In my mind I can picture him reaching out to me and holding his chest with the other hand with fear in his eyes saying help me....and there will be nothing I can do. That is my fear.
I know he hides alot of the pain but he still finds a way to smile and give me a wink from across the room. I am so consumed by his love, our love together, I don't know how I can ever let that go. He is my heart.
People think its too much for me to bathe him, wait on him, change his clothes, help him on the commode. Everything. But I do not look at him as a burden I look at him as my husband who I still am deeply in love with. I miss his hugs, I miss being held, But what ever moments I have I cherish.
I read your thread on honoring your husband and my prayers go out to you for comfort and yes, there are so many thing between us that have a likeness.
Its been a month since I've been on and I feel since I've told my story this far for any of you that are keeping up on what happens one day to the next I thought I would tell you what has happened the last month.
My husband was suppose to go into the hospital over night just to get some platelets in his blood because they were so low. That night turned into 2 weeks. All his levels were so low during the next day that they shipped him down to ICU. They said he probably would only have a few days to carry on. He told me that night that God could not let him die that he can't leave me behind. I told him this wasn't about me it was all about him. That I loved him and all my days I would always love him no matter what the outcome. Somehow for some reason he pulled through that. Then he was finally moved to the 9th floor. I never left his side. The morning I was suppose to take him home something horrible happened. He kept saying he couldnt breathe. The nurses kept telling me hes ok hes just over anxious, you need to just calm him down. After another hour I said he can't breathe and I don't know if he can even understand what I am saying to him. They assured me again, just calm him down it will be ok hes just anxious. Another hour went by, then I called his dr myself. He said he would put in an order for a chest xray.
It turned out the good lung had collapsed 90% of the way. The left lung he can't use because of the tumor. They put a chest tube in to try to inflate the lung but told me he wouldnt make it through the night. Once again, he found a way what little strength he had and pulled himself out of that situation once again. He is at home now with me. He has to have a oxygen mask on at all times. His legs and feet have swelled up beyond anyones imagination. He can't walk because he is too weak. He has a fentenyl IV drip at home for pain. The nurse comes every 3 days to change it. He sleeps in a big fluffy recliner we have here at home because he can't lay flat on his back. He suffocates if he lays back to far.
He'll still tell you there is always hope if your faith is strong enough... and faith can move a mountain. I am afraid he will suffocate because his breathing is so bad. He has a high flow concentrator at home and its up as far as it can go. In my mind I can picture him reaching out to me and holding his chest with the other hand with fear in his eyes saying help me....and there will be nothing I can do. That is my fear.
I know he hides alot of the pain but he still finds a way to smile and give me a wink from across the room. I am so consumed by his love, our love together, I don't know how I can ever let that go. He is my heart.
People think its too much for me to bathe him, wait on him, change his clothes, help him on the commode. Everything. But I do not look at him as a burden I look at him as my husband who I still am deeply in love with. I miss his hugs, I miss being held, But what ever moments I have I cherish.
Lady_J_1_01
10-20-2005, 01:02 AM
I want you to know how blessed you are to be able to have this time with him, to care for him. I know I will not have a choice but to continue to travel for my job to pay for our needs...
My heart hurts for you. I cant help but sit here and try to see the keys, as the tears stream down my face.. both for you and for me.. and all the others here...not knowing what else to say.. except...thank you or being their, thank you for sharing with me... hugs, mattie
My heart hurts for you. I cant help but sit here and try to see the keys, as the tears stream down my face.. both for you and for me.. and all the others here...not knowing what else to say.. except...thank you or being their, thank you for sharing with me... hugs, mattie
CamillaNell
10-24-2005, 06:28 PM
Just read your most recent note. So many times in reent days I've heard the comment, "I cannot imagine what you've been through" and it is an honest and compassionate word, no pretense, no minimizing. People will graciously go to me as far as they can yet not pretend they have a reference point to go any further.
But I read your current story and I think, yeah right there, that hard sad place filled with the will to love and live, I know that place. The sense of sorrow and powerlessness is rather overwhelming, yet all that life loving and people cherishing, it is so holy too.
thanks for letting us see a glimpse of your love, to peak at holy things. and as I am both sad and tired a lot, you reminded me somehow, I have lived through a hard hard thing, but I have lived through a holy thing too. Just to have been around, so up close to all that love and life. 11 and half months, yet a lifetime squeezed within it too...
Blessings for real gifts and real presence and real love in all the minutes even.
His will to live has already given you lots and lots of extra ones it seems, those precious things called minutes together on earth. Again, blessings over all of them and for as much of them as can be. And blessings for rest too, no sooner or later than is good for him...prayers on my heart for you.
Shalom, Cam
But I read your current story and I think, yeah right there, that hard sad place filled with the will to love and live, I know that place. The sense of sorrow and powerlessness is rather overwhelming, yet all that life loving and people cherishing, it is so holy too.
thanks for letting us see a glimpse of your love, to peak at holy things. and as I am both sad and tired a lot, you reminded me somehow, I have lived through a hard hard thing, but I have lived through a holy thing too. Just to have been around, so up close to all that love and life. 11 and half months, yet a lifetime squeezed within it too...
Blessings for real gifts and real presence and real love in all the minutes even.
His will to live has already given you lots and lots of extra ones it seems, those precious things called minutes together on earth. Again, blessings over all of them and for as much of them as can be. And blessings for rest too, no sooner or later than is good for him...prayers on my heart for you.
Shalom, Cam
wishn
10-30-2005, 01:51 AM
If it helps even a little...our hearts are there for you too. Giving Jeff so much of yours it makes us feel good to give you some of ours. I too went through your heartache a year ago and my heart aches for you. You are such a loving and kind wife and mother. For that Jeff has gotten what many men will never have. Unconditional and perfect affection, kindness and love. My prayers are with you and your family each and every day.
Warm hugs, Annie :angel:
Warm hugs, Annie :angel:
jeffs1fan4ever
11-08-2005, 08:51 AM
On November 4th, this past Friday at 6:30 am Jeff passed away in my arms. His last words to me were I love you.
The pain is great that there are no words to use. I surely cannot go on without him. I am dead inside. Today at 11:00 am I have to bury my 33 year old husband. My love, my life.
The pain is great that there are no words to use. I surely cannot go on without him. I am dead inside. Today at 11:00 am I have to bury my 33 year old husband. My love, my life.
chickypoo
11-08-2005, 10:34 AM
My heart truly aches for you. There are so few couples out there who truly loving toward one another. It seems so unfair that the two of you had to be separated so early. Try to remember, though, that God is good and that this sad place was never meant to be our permanent home. You will see your Jeff again.
Lilly10
11-08-2005, 01:24 PM
I read your post earlier and I have been thinking about you ever since. My heartbreaks for you so much. You are in my thoughts and prayers! I am so sorry that you have to feel this pain.
Karen44
11-08-2005, 02:01 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss
God Bless you and your boys
Karen44
God Bless you and your boys
Karen44
Kimslos
11-08-2005, 11:04 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I have you in my prayers. I am so scared myself at this point in time since I am in the same situation that you were. My husband has sclc and we currently are enjoying every moment we have together. We also have 2 boys who are 9 and 16.
My heart aches for you but what chickypoo said is true, but know that is hard to comprehend because I am sure if I am in your situation I would be so numb. Please know that there are so many people praying for you to comfort during this hard time.
Kim
My heart aches for you but what chickypoo said is true, but know that is hard to comprehend because I am sure if I am in your situation I would be so numb. Please know that there are so many people praying for you to comfort during this hard time.
Kim
rockie
11-08-2005, 11:35 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. Jeff was a very lucky man to have had your love and tender care up until the last breath. I pray that you will find some comfort, some peace in knowing that now his breathing is no longer labored, his pain gone, and that one day, he will greet you at the end of the road and together you will waltz into the sweetest of eterneties. I cannot even begin to extend to you the emotion I feel right now, except to tell you that my heart breaks for you, my tears are hot and I pray that God will keep you in the palm of his hand and love you tenderly.
Take care and God keep you and the boys.
Jan
Take care and God keep you and the boys.
Jan
Janmarie2
11-09-2005, 06:51 PM
I am sorry for your loss. I sense your great heartache and know it will take time for that numb feeling to pass but it will pass and he will always live on in your heart. Take care of yourself and the kids and drop in everynow and then to let us all know how you are doing as we do care. My prayers are with you. Jan Marie
CamillaNell
11-10-2005, 04:24 PM
I am sorry for your huge loss, glad for the good holding as he slipped away.
Keep breathing. Stay open.
I have lots of memories of acute sadness, heartbreak. but only two months down the road, and there are some glimpses of healing. Maybe because the caregiving road was so intense itself. for both my late husband and I--there is already some new peace. His in full by faith I hope. Me in part but the part is for real. Sometimes they just both are true.
Cry, scream, sit, run, be with people, be alone, all you need as you need it.
Find your pace for each day, no more no less. Be where you are.
Healing heart blessings to you. shalom, Cam
Keep breathing. Stay open.
I have lots of memories of acute sadness, heartbreak. but only two months down the road, and there are some glimpses of healing. Maybe because the caregiving road was so intense itself. for both my late husband and I--there is already some new peace. His in full by faith I hope. Me in part but the part is for real. Sometimes they just both are true.
Cry, scream, sit, run, be with people, be alone, all you need as you need it.
Find your pace for each day, no more no less. Be where you are.
Healing heart blessings to you. shalom, Cam
tuckygal
11-10-2005, 08:56 PM
God bless you, your sons and all your family and friends who are trying to deal with the pain and sadness. You are in my heart and prayers hourly.
hayley0610
11-11-2005, 01:53 AM
i just came across your post by chance as i was scrolling through things. I am so saddened to hear of your loss. My husband is 33 as well and the thought of me not sharing my life together with him is heartbreaking. I know the love you feel for your husband as it is the same love I feel for mine.I imagine you still have a lot of greiving and emotions to go through and thats understandable. You are such an incredibly strong and most loving wife to go through something like this in your life. Time will heal the saddness you feel right now but it will take some time. Sometimes we dont know why we have to be put through these things in life but for some unknown reason we do. You probably havent been back to post as the memories are still too familiar but just know your husbands knows how much you love him and look back with many smiles at all the years, as short as they may seem now, that you got to enjoy and love him.go ahead and cry and ask why and be mad its only human.
jeffs1fan4ever
11-23-2005, 12:28 PM
To all those beautiful people that took the time out of their day to give me the beautiful thoughts you did. I thank you from the depths of my heart. A few weeks have gone by and there is not a moment in the day that Jeff is not in my mind. As crazy as it sounds sometimes I feel he is talking to me. He always told me he would always be with me and that he would be waiting on the other side of Heaven when it was my time. That our love would never die. I cry myself to sleep and I say I need you Jeff and somewhere deep inside I hear....I'm right here. I wanted to share with you all what I wrote for Jeffs funeral. My brother read it for me.
I know this isn't conventional for me to have someone say what I have written. . But there was never anything
conventional about Jeff. He had a spirit you just couldn't break, no matter how hard things seemed. He braved
every storm no matter how hard the winds got, and even in his last few days he would still tell you that God was
going to heal him. He never gave up on that or his faith. He had faith that could move mountains. The greater
the pain the more his faith grew. He suffered everyday and never complained no matter how much he struggled..
He fought to the very end. Not because he didn't want to die but because he was scared of what it would do to
the rest of us to lose him. That was Jeff.
He touched my life in so many ways. I never felt love the way he loved me .He loved me with all that he had
in him. He always made me smile whether I wanted to or not. He made me laugh at my frustrations. When
I lost faith in myself he believed in me. When I stumbled he was always right there. He had the heart of a
thousand men. He always saw the good in everyone no matter what anyone else thought. I know I am a better
person just for having him in my life.. A good friend put it in such a beautiful way to me. Jeff was like a ripple
when a stone hits the pond. It touches all of the bank sides. That was Jeff. He touched so many people
in so many ways just by being "Jeff". We talked about several things in the last few weeks of his life. I
think as he watches over all of us now he would say ...do not cry for me, keep my memory in your hearts
forever and I will always be with you. He told me once that if I felt a warm touch on my cheek that would be him.
That he would never really be gone and that he would be waiting for me when I come "home". That is what I
hold on to. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born,
and a time to die; which he reminded of me often. If anything he wanted people to take this to heart. He wanted
you to listen to these words.Hate each other less and love one another more because tomorrow may never come.
Love with all that you have. Jeff lived by these words...Cancer is limited. It cannot cripple love, or corrode faith, or
eat away peace, or destroy confidence, or kill friendship, or shut out memories, or silence courage, or invade the
soul, or reduce eternal life, or lessen the power of the resurrection One thing I know, death cannot kill love, and
hands cannot bury it. We will love you forever. I came across this poem and thought it was exactly what Jeff
would want us to hear..You can shed tears that he is gone
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he's gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Again, thank you everyone for your beautiful thoughts. I will never love anyone but Jeff and I will wait til my dying day until I love again. God Bless you all, you are all in my prayers, and I pray those of you that are battling cancer that God will put his hand on you and heal you of that terrible disease called cancer.
I know this isn't conventional for me to have someone say what I have written. . But there was never anything
conventional about Jeff. He had a spirit you just couldn't break, no matter how hard things seemed. He braved
every storm no matter how hard the winds got, and even in his last few days he would still tell you that God was
going to heal him. He never gave up on that or his faith. He had faith that could move mountains. The greater
the pain the more his faith grew. He suffered everyday and never complained no matter how much he struggled..
He fought to the very end. Not because he didn't want to die but because he was scared of what it would do to
the rest of us to lose him. That was Jeff.
He touched my life in so many ways. I never felt love the way he loved me .He loved me with all that he had
in him. He always made me smile whether I wanted to or not. He made me laugh at my frustrations. When
I lost faith in myself he believed in me. When I stumbled he was always right there. He had the heart of a
thousand men. He always saw the good in everyone no matter what anyone else thought. I know I am a better
person just for having him in my life.. A good friend put it in such a beautiful way to me. Jeff was like a ripple
when a stone hits the pond. It touches all of the bank sides. That was Jeff. He touched so many people
in so many ways just by being "Jeff". We talked about several things in the last few weeks of his life. I
think as he watches over all of us now he would say ...do not cry for me, keep my memory in your hearts
forever and I will always be with you. He told me once that if I felt a warm touch on my cheek that would be him.
That he would never really be gone and that he would be waiting for me when I come "home". That is what I
hold on to. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. A time to be born,
and a time to die; which he reminded of me often. If anything he wanted people to take this to heart. He wanted
you to listen to these words.Hate each other less and love one another more because tomorrow may never come.
Love with all that you have. Jeff lived by these words...Cancer is limited. It cannot cripple love, or corrode faith, or
eat away peace, or destroy confidence, or kill friendship, or shut out memories, or silence courage, or invade the
soul, or reduce eternal life, or lessen the power of the resurrection One thing I know, death cannot kill love, and
hands cannot bury it. We will love you forever. I came across this poem and thought it was exactly what Jeff
would want us to hear..You can shed tears that he is gone
or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he's gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Again, thank you everyone for your beautiful thoughts. I will never love anyone but Jeff and I will wait til my dying day until I love again. God Bless you all, you are all in my prayers, and I pray those of you that are battling cancer that God will put his hand on you and heal you of that terrible disease called cancer.
MommaBee
12-01-2005, 06:04 AM
Just had to share this poem with you...
“Don’t grieve for me, for now I am free.
I am following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day to
laugh, to love, to work or play,
tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void, then fill
it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
ah yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life has been full, I savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me –
God wanted me now,
God set me free.”
I just found your posts tonight and I want to Thank you for sharing Jeff with us. You have my deepest sympathies for your loss and I hope you know that your story will help many others who have lost someone.
God bless you and your family!
“Don’t grieve for me, for now I am free.
I am following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day to
laugh, to love, to work or play,
tasks left undone must stay that way.
I found that place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void, then fill
it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
ah yes, these things, I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life has been full, I savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved one’s touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief.
Don’t lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me –
God wanted me now,
God set me free.”
I just found your posts tonight and I want to Thank you for sharing Jeff with us. You have my deepest sympathies for your loss and I hope you know that your story will help many others who have lost someone.
God bless you and your family!
rockie
12-02-2005, 11:56 PM
Mattie,
It took me several days to be able to reply. The knot in my throat no lesser. Thank u for sharing this with us. I have sat down a few times to word what I will say...what I could say. Like you, my hubby is my hero, my best friend, my lover...where...do I stop. I share this with you, knowing my time will come. I look at the lighted snowflakes we hung for Christmas..wondering..knowing..this is the last one. God help me...this is so hard. I type this tonight with a gut feeling, a knowing...that this is the last. I cannot express the sorrow I feel and share with you except that we are all here together and I thank my good Lord for this strength. I could not continue otherwise. Please pray for us to keep us strong..and faithful to our Lord. I find no fault in Him, but I wonder about my future, the future of his kids, and mine. We are all accountable. If we do not care for our bodies are we direspecing God? What about all of the little ones that suffer needlessly. I had someone recently recite to me about our misfortune due to our own choices. I can accept this and so can my hubby because we have made good and bad choices in our own lives. But, what about the babies...the innocents. I did not mean to throw a wet blanket but this was something recently sent my way. Are we wrong? Or, is no one right or wrong.
As we look to the future, lets remember that few things are those we can control. And ultimately, God controls the rest. I am at peace and pray for the rest of those that are looking for answers, a way out, a reason. Sometimes there is nothing but quiet. But if we listen, we can hear. Many prayers to all that read here, and post here. I keep everyone close at heart. Our God is great and he sees all off these pleas.
Take care all and God bless you.
From So IN
Jan
It took me several days to be able to reply. The knot in my throat no lesser. Thank u for sharing this with us. I have sat down a few times to word what I will say...what I could say. Like you, my hubby is my hero, my best friend, my lover...where...do I stop. I share this with you, knowing my time will come. I look at the lighted snowflakes we hung for Christmas..wondering..knowing..this is the last one. God help me...this is so hard. I type this tonight with a gut feeling, a knowing...that this is the last. I cannot express the sorrow I feel and share with you except that we are all here together and I thank my good Lord for this strength. I could not continue otherwise. Please pray for us to keep us strong..and faithful to our Lord. I find no fault in Him, but I wonder about my future, the future of his kids, and mine. We are all accountable. If we do not care for our bodies are we direspecing God? What about all of the little ones that suffer needlessly. I had someone recently recite to me about our misfortune due to our own choices. I can accept this and so can my hubby because we have made good and bad choices in our own lives. But, what about the babies...the innocents. I did not mean to throw a wet blanket but this was something recently sent my way. Are we wrong? Or, is no one right or wrong.
As we look to the future, lets remember that few things are those we can control. And ultimately, God controls the rest. I am at peace and pray for the rest of those that are looking for answers, a way out, a reason. Sometimes there is nothing but quiet. But if we listen, we can hear. Many prayers to all that read here, and post here. I keep everyone close at heart. Our God is great and he sees all off these pleas.
Take care all and God bless you.
From So IN
Jan
jeffs1fan4ever
12-05-2005, 08:43 PM
I realize I should not be in this forum anymore because the cancer took my husbands life and he is no longer here but my heart aches for all of you. Because I have been where all of you are.
I can tell you no matter what anyone tells you, time does not take away the pain. Your life will never be the same, it will be different. It has been one month and one day since I lost my Jeff, and I will tell you not one minute goes by that he is not in my thoughts. You don't get over it , you have to find a way through it. But it will never be over. I still cry myself to sleep everynight and I may have lost my mind but sometimes I still talk to him like hes still here with me.
I want to reply to Jan about the comment about are we all right or wrong. I feel as far as the babies and innocents. They did nothing wrong. The world did. Sin was brought into this world and no one can escape it. No matter what age. Some days all the wrongs of this world will be made right.
You are right in all the quiet if you listen close enough you can hear.
I still try to find reason everyday. Jeff is so indescribable. Yes, he was my husband, but he was also the best friend I have ever had. He could make me laugh and find a way to make me see everything would be ok when I thought nothing was right. People tell me I seem dead though I'm living. I tell them I'm breathing that is all I can do for now. This will be my first Christmas without him and the first Christmas the boys don't have a dad.
For those of you who have a loved one that is ill. I was Jeffs caregiver. I know how you must feel. You may be tired, you may feel worn out. You may even feel you can't do this anymore. You can. You look deep inside you and you pull out what strength you have left. You them everyday all day how much you love them...over and over......because tomorrow may never come.
My prayers are still with all of you each and every day, and I pray the people you love, or if you're the one thats ill. I pray you beat this cancer and be a survivor. My thoughts are with you all
Tricia
I can tell you no matter what anyone tells you, time does not take away the pain. Your life will never be the same, it will be different. It has been one month and one day since I lost my Jeff, and I will tell you not one minute goes by that he is not in my thoughts. You don't get over it , you have to find a way through it. But it will never be over. I still cry myself to sleep everynight and I may have lost my mind but sometimes I still talk to him like hes still here with me.
I want to reply to Jan about the comment about are we all right or wrong. I feel as far as the babies and innocents. They did nothing wrong. The world did. Sin was brought into this world and no one can escape it. No matter what age. Some days all the wrongs of this world will be made right.
You are right in all the quiet if you listen close enough you can hear.
I still try to find reason everyday. Jeff is so indescribable. Yes, he was my husband, but he was also the best friend I have ever had. He could make me laugh and find a way to make me see everything would be ok when I thought nothing was right. People tell me I seem dead though I'm living. I tell them I'm breathing that is all I can do for now. This will be my first Christmas without him and the first Christmas the boys don't have a dad.
For those of you who have a loved one that is ill. I was Jeffs caregiver. I know how you must feel. You may be tired, you may feel worn out. You may even feel you can't do this anymore. You can. You look deep inside you and you pull out what strength you have left. You them everyday all day how much you love them...over and over......because tomorrow may never come.
My prayers are still with all of you each and every day, and I pray the people you love, or if you're the one thats ill. I pray you beat this cancer and be a survivor. My thoughts are with you all
Tricia
rockie
12-05-2005, 10:33 PM
Dear Tricia (sorry I called you by the wrong name....) thank you writing. You are always welcome here despite... Your help to others will always be welcome and good. So many new ones come in almost every day. Seeking some guidance, answers that we don't have. But maybe, because we have already walked some of this path, we can shine the light before their feet and help them along. I believe in God and I know all things happen for a reason. Sometimes it is hard to believe in "fairness" about some of the things we hear day in day out, but I do believe that His design is bigger than what my mind can understand, accept. Especially right now. When I think about this being our last Christmas, I know that I am so very blessed that we have one. I have thought of you and Cam who so recently lost her hubby too. This Christmas will be so hard and so lonely, even with children around. I know that I too, will face that day. And, I dread it. For right now, each day is a gift. Another day I can hear his voice, have his arms wrapped around me, hear his corny jokes, cherish that loving face. I clean up his messes with increasing patience and thank God I have them to clean.
I have often thought of you and hoped that somehow you were getting through the hours, days and weeks. Keep close to us and you can still draw from our strength and companionship. One day I may need to draw from you. For right now, prayers, vitamins, occasional sleep when possible and lots and lots of hope get me through.
Hugs,
Jan
I have often thought of you and hoped that somehow you were getting through the hours, days and weeks. Keep close to us and you can still draw from our strength and companionship. One day I may need to draw from you. For right now, prayers, vitamins, occasional sleep when possible and lots and lots of hope get me through.
Hugs,
Jan