My husband does not discuss what's going on with his health at all. I am so concerned and I dont initiate any discussion as a result of what took place the last time I asked. He seemed uncomfortable and irritated. He gives me bits of information. There are times I see a bandaid from blood work yet he does not tell me anything. Im not aware of his viral load or if it has decreased since he started meds. He had a lump behind his ear and he told me briefly that he was going to get a biopsy. I wanted to ask more but he shyed away from further discussion. Im trying not to be pushy or act like he owes me for staying with him but as his wife I feel that I have the right to know what is going on. Im sitting here wondering and left in the dark. What do you suggest? It is still new I guess its not something he is quite use to but should I be more patient or start demanding information? I dont want to be insensitive at all but am tired of not knowing what the heck is going on! Any advice is appreciated. Thanks! :confused:

Hello again: I think that he thinks that if he doesn't worry you then you won't be worried. Guys like to put on the he-man front but I would imagine he's scared to death inside. HIV is the huge secret and you think that if people find out, then think you're a terrible person. It affects everything from how you perceive people perceive you to your own self image (personality and physical). There are time when I wonder if people wonder if I'm sick. When I was in the hospital to have my spleen removed everyone I worked with (and I work in a hospital and have worked in the same hospital for 12 yrs) wanted to know what makes a spleen go bad. We don't really know but it could have been the HIV meds and while I am 100% better now and my labs are out of sight, I still wonder what they think. (Yes, my chart was off limits to only those people who had to know in order to care for me per my doctor's orders).

You will have to give him some time to move through this but you can't give him too much time or exclude you for too long. My wife told me, "OK you've got two weeks to get over this and then we have to continue living our lives." And she used the words "we" and "our" and I knew she was OK with me and who I was.

Finally, at some point you'll just have to let him know that you decided to become educated just like if you were the wife of a diabetic you would need to know what foods he'd have to stay away from. You are a partner in his health care. Ask him about his t-cell count and viral load. Is he on meds? You may have to include and force yourself through this but he does need to understand that it is the two of you that are partnering in his long-term health care.

And, if nothing else, have him post here and there are tons of people who will help. Being married and having HIV is so different than being single...chris