bif01
09-14-2005, 07:46 AM
Hi People. I was diagnosed with OCD sometime last year. I still doubt I have it and question other things like schitzophrenia and insanity, me saying that probably just proves I have it. Doubting all the time. I've been having problems lately, and I want to know if anyone has experienced something similar. I played Texas-Hold-Em Cards on the computer for many hours the other day. And when I went to try to go to bed I could not get the thought of numbers out of my head. They were everywhere, randomly occuring in my thoughts. It was driving me nuts and causing me lot's of discomfort almost to the point of a panic attack. I just am wondering if anyone with OCD out there has had such a thing happen. Like perhaps being exposed to certain things for such a long time - our brains just mop it up like a sponge? And they just randomly come in. It's driving me nuts, and if anyone can offer some insight or advice, I would really appreciate it.
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GatsbyLuvr1920
09-14-2005, 09:05 AM
Oh, yeah! I get this a lot, too, but it's almost always with textbooks. I have a photographic memory, and after studying, all I can see is the pages in my mind, and where certain information was in terms of columns and location. I can still see certain parts of my textbooks all the way back to 9th grade (I'm a college freshman, now). There's a scene in "The Aviator," where DiCaprio's very stressed out, and before talking to his engineer, he says, "Give me a second," and all these images of blueprints flash on the screen, and he puts his index finger on his temple and closes his eyes tightly, trying to get rid of the pictures- exactly how I am. Sometimes I have to clear my head of these pictures because they're literally all I can see. Another hinderance of this is regarding past reading- I seem to get stuck on very minute details, and I have to flip back to old chapters/sections to confirm what I remember reading. It's always stupid things that don't matter, never "big picture," conceptual ideas. For example, in the sixth Harry Potter book, Hermoine receives her O.W.L. results, and they say that she got a total of 11 O.W.L.'s. They list all of Harry's classes, and they're were nine. So, I figured that Hermoine's other two were Arithmancy and Ancient Runes, but then I realized that one of Harry's classes was Divination, which Hermoine dropped in the third book- what was that eleventh class? The only other class ever offered was Muggle Studies, so I'm guessing that this was it, but she also dropped it at the same time as Divination... Needless to say, I flipped through the rest of the book to see if they mentioned that elusive eleventh class, which they never did, unfortunately. Another example from that same book was that they said that the head of Ravenclaw was Flitwick, but I know, that I remember reading in the fourth book that it was Sinestra, the astronomy teacher...These are the stupid things that I must search for. Another common one for me is ages/names of siblings: like, if someone says they have six brothers and sisters, it drives me crazy if they only say four ages, so I make myself reason out where the other two belong, and flip through the book to find that age. Last book I can remember this happening in was Tess of the D'Urbervilles- Tess never did tell us the name/age of her one sibling... That's another thing- names! Cheaper by the Dozen- In chapter three, they list all of the kids' names, in descending order from oldest to youngest, but when I counted to see how many girls and boys, there were only eleven... The title implies that there were 12 children present, so I spent at least a half hour searching for that other child, and I found it, Mary, on the top of a page in chapter 13. Later, when I read the sequel, I found out on the very first page in a footnote that Mary had died of diphtheria in 1911 at the age of three. Still bothers me, even six years later that they couldn't tell you this in the first book, and more so, that the book is a sham- there weren't 12 kids! Mary was number 3, and she died so young, that she never was around! Come talk to me if you want to vent about the annoyances of OCD! God bless! :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
bkm4673
09-14-2005, 01:32 PM
yea listen to gatsby shes smart and she knows what shes talking about..
GatsbyLuvr1920
09-14-2005, 01:52 PM
Thanks, bkm. I'm having a really bad OCD-day right now. I'm not made for dorm life- I feel suffocated by all of these people, and I can't get away. There's absolutely no schedule to adhere to- the food changes day by day, there's no real homework to do, just reading, and the classes are in a different order and time every day. I just feel so out of control- I need a routine to feel comforted. Whoever said that college was the "best years of your life" obviously wasn't an obsessive-compulsive... Why I loved high school- classes began and ended at the same time every day, I got up at the same time every day, I was in such-and-such area at exactly 10:55 am, I brought the same lunch and ate it in the same order, etc. Here, I'm so shaken (literally- my hands are really bad right now), and I don't have anything to cling to. I'm not homesick whatsoever- I just need the same things to happen every day and I need to be by myself. Unfortunately, I don't get either of these here. I don't know how I'm ging to get through seven more months of this; every day is torture. Even my close friends, who I told about my OCD, don't really believe me. I think they just think that I'm exaggerating. :( No one understands... Half the time, I have spouts of derealization, and I don't even know where I am or where I'm going. I have breaks between classes on MWF, so there's extra time to go back to the dorm and wait. Waiting makes me nervous; having to switch buildings and walk a long way makes me nervous; performing lab experiments make me nervous. Almost dropped a buret about twelve times today because my hands are shaking so badly. Don't know how I'm going to make a suture in physio psych lab Tuesday: how am I going to hold a needle and forceps when I can barely hold a pencil? Sorry, but I just had to rant while I get this rare opportunity to be by myself, but wouldn't you know it? Have a class at 1:30, and it's 12:50, so I'm already panicking about being prepared for my presentation and getting there on time and shutting the computer down, all while my muscles are frozen with fear... Write back soon. It helps to talk to those who understand how it is... :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
bkm4673
09-14-2005, 03:29 PM
wow gatsby when i tell my parents they tink i may be exaggerating also they feel im causing it to myself. i get the feeling i would relate to you very well. i was having all those same problems when i went too my community college. i understand and feel for you also. i am going to a nuerologist today and im hoping he can tell me something to ease me like this or that is wrong i dont know.. good luck and i enjoy hearing and reading your posts. i get frozen also it sucks i shut down myself.....bye gatsby
GatsbyLuvr1920
09-14-2005, 06:39 PM
That's why being a pure obsessional sucks: no one believes you b/c they can't see your symptoms... Well, came home after that class at 1:30 and continued my breakdown (another reason people don't realize it's bad b/c I can hide it and stop crying when I'm around people). Called my mom b/c she's the only one who knows how I get, and she called the counseling center at the college and got me an appointment that was only 15 minutes away from when she called. Went there, talked to the counselor, and she's arranging to let me have meeting rooms alone, so I can have a place to escape and just be by myself, which was the thing that was bothering me the most: everywhere I turned, there were people around. Usually, my roommate and I will leave a message on the dry erase board on our door when we leave, but since this was so sudden and I was a foggy mess in a trance when I left, I forgot. I just came home about ten minutes ago, and my roommate was so concerned- she actually thought I committed suicide by overdosing on my pills! It was just coincidence b/c when she left me, I was huddled in a fetal position on my bed, and she told me my empty pill bottle (that I had on my bed from this morning while I was feverishly rummaging through my myriad of medications and had just thrown in frustration two minutes earlier, before she came in the room) was on the floor. So then, after I left suddenly, and she saw that pill bottle, and she also saw that I had another empty pill bottle (coincidently finished the last pill of my acne meds this morning...) she thought I was off getting my stomach pumped or something! Found it amusing, but sweet: sweet b/c she cared and the rest of the hall was worried with her, but amusing b/c suicide (especially overdosing on potentially hazardous substances) is the last thing an OCD-er would do! Feel better now b/c I know that there are many places I can go now where it'll just be me, my books, and peaceful solititude and tranquility...Write back soon! :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
bkm4673
09-14-2005, 10:13 PM
your awesome, im just really glad because i can relate to you and im way older 32.. you just seem awesome i went to nuero today got nothing accomplished.im gonna start my lexapro..i have to go ill write again
bif01
09-14-2005, 11:42 PM
Hey guys, thanks for replying. Gatsby, I'm glad you are getting things arranged with your school so you are more comfortable. It's nice to have a place to go to if needed. I called my Doctor today and they prescribed me(over the phone) Effexor and Trazodone. I've taken both before. It helps me during the fall/winter. I seem to get hit with OCD hard in the Fall/Winter. Not sure why. Looking forward to taking my trazodone and getting a solid night of sleep. I've only slept a total of 6 hours the last two days. Lack of sleep is such a ingredient to worsen OCD. For me at least. I hope you are both well. Thanks again for your comments.
Joe
Joe
bkm4673
09-14-2005, 11:45 PM
no problem..........
GatsbyLuvr1920
09-15-2005, 01:16 AM
Do you also have depression that seems to get worse in the fall/winter? Are you feeling more energetic, talkative, irritable, "on-top-of-the-world," and that you can do anything in addition to the lack of sleep? These could be signs of bipolar mania. If you're having these symptoms, or if you notice that you begin to have these symptoms shortly after you start taking the anti-depressants, immediately call your doctor- taking an anti-depressant by itself without a mood stabilizer can evoke mania in some... Not to worry, though, but just thought I'd warn you, just in case. :D bkm- It is cool that we can relate to each other, despite having a 14-year-age difference between us; at least OCD can link people by experience. Beginning to think that in addition to the OCD, that I have Asperger's. Asperger's mimics OCD, but I know for a fact that I have real OCD because, in Asperger's, you just get obsessively interested in something and memorize every fact you can (sound familliar? ;) ), but there aren't any actual blasphemous, sexual, or violent obsessions. If I do have it, it would be a mild case- I'm not a social outcast (do hate being around people after awhile, though), I'm not awkward, I'm not oblivious to other people's feelings (OCD makes me hyperaware of others' feelings and makes sure that I take extra caution not to hurt anyone or make them upset in any way...), I'm not egotistical, and I don't make the characteristic hand movements, but the sensory awareness thing, anxiety and compulsive rituals to calm myself during change (of course, this is probably just the OCD in general), and the fact that I am a walking encyclopedia of facts on certain subjects makes me wonder. There's no question in my mind that I'm obsessive-compulsive, but if I would have Asperger's as well, it would certainly understand my "obsessive interests," that I must research, the difference being that this is pleasureable; OCD is not. Even though it gets tedious to constantly search for info on the Internet, I enjoy learning and I purposely do it. However, my OCD-related obsessions are awful, and there's just fear, disgust, and guilt associated with them...Both of you write back soon! :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
bif01
09-15-2005, 01:43 PM
I get depressed because of all the anxiety. I've thought i've had manic depression since the beginning. I've been in psych-wards 4-5 times. No one has mentioned it. All my problems revolve around anxiety. Social-anxiety disorder, GAD, OCD, panic-disorder/agoraphobia. Lot's of anxiety can make you feel super-hyper. Or like you can't stop. I've asked about manic-depression and mania last year when I was in the hospital. Cause i thought perhaps that was what was going on. They said some rubbish about typically manic-depressives push people away and no one wants to be around them. There was one manic-depressive there. And that's exactly what he did. But, I'm sure it's more complicated than that. I have to go, I'll write again soon. Hope you are feeling a little better today.
bkm4673
09-15-2005, 07:12 PM
im not sure if things get worse for me in the winter i live in arizona so our winters are very nice. i cant seem to get this nuerologist place out of my head he had just given shots of botox before he saw me and my ocd convinced me i got it rubbed into me while he was examining me i actually feel even more off today and im blaming it on the botox that the dr had just given the patient before me. this really sucks because who knows maybe just a touch of it on me did affect me idk . i really need to start my lexapro damn....im going to start on monday because im going to an oasis concert sunday night.... take care u 2 ........
GatsbyLuvr1920
09-15-2005, 11:33 PM
Glad to know that you're both doing well. Wish I was... my biggest fear of going to college was that my OCD would get bad again because I'd have to deal with too much change and loss of routines, and sure enough, I was right. Lucky me. Just seems like it always hits at the same time every year: either shortly after Christmas break, or, usually, at the beginning of school; why I hate February and March and the fall... I've been trying to cope with all of the change, but I can tell that I'm heading for an OCD breakdown- very obvious, especially since I had a precursor one yesterday. I just feel like a bunch of paradoxes: for example, I feel isolated from my non-OCD peers and isolated from my world, but I also feel so open and violated, like everywhere I go, someone is there. And it's not paranoia- people ARE everywhere. Today was pretty bad because I only had one class that ended at 9:15 am, so I had the rest of the day to sit around and mull over the "homework" I should have been doing, but then I think, "I don't have any real 'homework...'" I do have a 10-point math quiz tomorrow, but really, what's the point in studying? It's all review, and I know that when I get the test, even though half of it will be on fractional exponents and roots, something I'm very, very good at, I won't do well on it- doubt will set in and I'll make some mistake... Hate that about math- why I think I have a "math inferiority complex"- I know that I'm excellent in algebra, and I like graphs and trig when I get them explained well, but my work just never pays off, and I always perform at a mediocre level. Last year, I took a graph test on some type of function, and I literally looked at the material 10 minutes before the test, knew it front-and-back, and as soon as I got the test and looked at the problems, OCD set in. I knew how to do the problems, but math tests are the epitome of uncertainty- except for algebra, you have no real way of knowing you're right. It's like writing down some random number that, even if you know you did it the right way, just doesn't "feel right" or you panic that you did it wrong, so you go back and compulsively check, erase, start over, and still are not sure... Makes me feel like my teachers think I'm stupid, and I can never prove myself, except in a pure algebra class...The sad thing, too, is that besides the doubting, almost all of my mistakes in homework are just putting something in the wrong equation, and as soon as I say the answer, I know it's wrong and why it's wrong, but I still feel ashamed. That's the bad thing about the tests- despite studying sooo hard and trying to do well, I still never perform to my abilities, and this frustrates me because during homework, if I get one wrong, that's fine. I simply can correct it without being penalized, and then I get a further understanding, but on tests, understanding of concepts isn't good enough. No, the one, and only one, right answer must be achieved. Think of how many possible answers there are in mathematics, especially now that I'm in calc and you know that a graph can go on forever, infintisimally... That's infinity possible answers, and I have to get one, without knowing "for sure" if the one I wrote down is the right choice...Write back soon. :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
bkm4673
09-16-2005, 12:09 AM
gatsby your school work can really get your ocd going huh that ocd is a biotch.. im hoping i will soon be feeling bits better im still feeling very out of it and way off. gatsby do you think antidepressants like lexapro make you lose your passion for things i heard that more than once...?thxs gatsby i hope you do well in your quiz.. also my ocd gets bad during may and june crazy its the same time each yr i think.
rosequartz
09-16-2005, 12:12 AM
Gatsbylover - I'm not sure if you know this, or if it may help, but it's worth a try. I was told a long time ago by a teacher that when taking tests you should go with your first instinct. He said, you wouldn't believe how many tests he would grade where he would see that the right answer was there to begin with and ERASED or scratched out and replaced with the wrong answer. Trust yourself!
Good luck! Take a deep breath and try to go with the flow. You're smarter than you give yourself credit for!
Good luck! Take a deep breath and try to go with the flow. You're smarter than you give yourself credit for!
bkm4673
09-16-2005, 01:13 AM
shes very smart she knows it..................
GatsbyLuvr1920
09-16-2005, 03:53 AM
rosequartz- Thanks for the encouragement, but this, sadly, only works when time's up, I have to hand in my paper, and I need to have something written down for partial credit, but since I'm not "sure" I'm right, I automatically assume that I got the problem wrong, and, I'm usually right... ;)
-GatsbyLuvr1920-
-GatsbyLuvr1920-