Hey everyone..I've been lurking here for awhile and you all seem like some super caring and wonderful people here who know what theyre talking about. I just need to get this off my chest. I'm doing the mental downward spiral again where I've convinced myself I'm HIV positive. About 2 years ago I lost my virginity unprotected to a guy that I was friends with and knew from work. I know how stupid I was, but the even stupider thing is that almost a year passed between that and the lightbulb going on in my head telling me I should probably get tested. I think I saw one of those 'Get tested' commercials on TV and went oh damn...

By this time I had had a boyfriend (different guy) for a few months and we had always used condoms, until one night he took it off mid-sex and i didnt know until the end. He had been tested before me, but I started worrying about what if i had something and had given it to him. I went for a full STD screening at my gyno's office when i went for my annual pap at about 10 months since the risky exposure. I was an absolute wreck the week before my appointment. I cried so hard every day that my contacts were permanently fogged. I drove my boyfriend, mother, and best friend absolutely nutty and i was convinced I had HIV. I asked the guy I slept with if he had been tested and he said yes, but i couldnt rely on that. I started researching ( i know bad idea) and i racked my brain trying to remember if I had had any questionable symptoms a year earlier. All that I could remember was swollen nodes, but that was most likely due to a skin infection I had at the same time. Anyway, bless my gyno's office they got my results back the day after I went in and called me and said negative for HIV and syphilis. Then when I went back in for pap results (HPV pos. booo) my doc told me again that all my other lab tests including HIV were normal.

Now it's a few months later and I went in on Monday to re-pap and decided to get another STD screening. I dont understand why, but the relief I felt and the peace of mind I had after the first test was negative is gone. I'm terrified again even though I havent had any risky encounters since i got tested. (still with same bf). I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 17 (im 21 now) and it got a LOT better gradually but now i think its rearing its ugly head again. I'm so afraid that the first test got messed up somehow and it was really positive, or that the doc's office is lying to me, or somehow i took over 10 months to seroconvert (although i dont think my immune system is abnormally functioning for any reason). the other day i got so paranoid that maybe they didnt even do the test and were just lying to me, that my mom got out the insurance bill from the lab to prove it to me. Im a wreck right now. its like a complete repeat of earlier this year, all the thoughts flying through my head about me having ruined my life.

well if anyone got to the end of this, i thank you, i didnt mean to write a book. i just need some support and know im not the only one having doubts and worries even though ive tested negative. wish me luck, im calling either today or tomorrow for my results. God bless.

Lily

I think you may be experiencing some guilt in addition to your OCD. It can be difficult to let go of the fact that you could have screwed up your life but somehow it didn't happen. Which is a good thing. When I got my negative test my mom had to go in and find out for me since I was out of state and they don't give you results over the phone. A couple years later I started thinking maybe it was a mistake and they told her the wrong results or then I started thinking maybe my mom was lying and didn't want to tell me the truth. Our minds can be our own worst enemies. I am really paranoid about my health for some reason and have been for a while now. and of course whenever something happens with my health you can imagine the first thing thta pops into my head. All I can say is I wish I never ever put myself at risk so then maybe I wouldn't have gone through the worry and all that. If it makes you feel better get tested again (easier said than done considering we were both wrecks waiting for results) or else just keep being safe with your current boyfriend.

Besafe, thanks for the kind reply. I think you are right about the guilt. I can't understand how I could have put myself at so much risk and not even realized it until months later. I was so naive and stupid. No kind of sex is worth this much regret and worry.

I did go for another test on Monday, and I'm debating whether to call today or tomorrow. Last time I tested they were back the next day, but I'm scared to call right now. Arg.

Lily you need to relax. First off do not try to diagnose yourself off of symptoms. I amde the same mistake and the first thing the doctor told me when I went for my test was symptoms mean nothing. Just get yourself tested and put your mind at ease. Trust you will feel like there is a huge weight off of your shoulders just after getting tested let alone getting your negative result. I am sure you will be ok. just be safer for now on.

I think if we all really sat and analyzed it, we could all find reasons not to believe our negative test results. I mean, when you've already convinced yourself through internet research etc, it's hard to let go of that notion. There are times when I want to test again because I too, have doubts. If we lived having doubts about everything, well, we'd be in a state of wrecks.
I think you're fine. You just have to convince yourself of the same. And hey, if for some reason it came out positive, que sera sera. I know that's not very reassuring, but what are you gaining by worrying about this situation? An ulcer? A headache?
Let me know how your test results go. I really think it'll be okay hun, just try to keep yourself occupied, and BELIEVE :)
~s~

Thanks Krask and Pana for the replies! I got my results and theyre negative =D I think im going to try and get some help for my OCD so it can stop taking over my life. God bless u all.