Hi i just lost my hubby on august 3rd of 2005 and my father on august 28th of 2005 and i cant bring myself of doing anything with thier clothes,ect. i need to do something with them i keep looking at them and all i can do is cry i miss them so much i hate they died i try so hard to make it through the days but sometimes i dont want to just dont know what to do i feel like i am booting them out if i remove there stuff can anyone help me? :confused:

Is there anything in your locality for grief councelling?

Sandra

I am so sorry for the losses that you have suffered and them being so close together. If you are not ready to do something with their clothes dont, of course they make you cry when you look at them, they remind you of two people that you loved very much. We lost our son on May 14, 2005 and we havent gotten rid of any of things, except for the diapers, formula and feeding tubes, we gave them to a local group that was collecting for the hurricane survivors and it wasnt easy to give those things even though they were not something personal of his, so i can imagine giving his clothes to anyone right now. When it is time to do something with them you will, dont rush yourself and dont let anyone tell you that you need to get rid of their things, it has only been a few short weeks take the time that you need and when the time is right you will do something with the clothes

When you do find the strength to go through the clothes, keep at least one article from each person and put it away in one of your drawers. I kept two half slips from my grandmother when she passed away and everytime I straighten out my drawers, I think of her. She's been gone about 15 years.

same here. i always kept something. have a box with pieces from different people. when my daughter passed it took almost a year to go through her things. 8 years later i still have a pocket book of hers that i can't even look in. everytime i try i have major anxiety and can't stop crying. so i have it just the way she left it.

thank you for support i hope soon i can but right now i cant no there isnt no consuling here done checked i dont have many friends anymore noone wants to be around me anymore not sure why wish i did i miss having all my friends but when my hubby and my dad got sick i didnt have alot of time for friends my best friends where my dad and hubby and now i dont have them anymore now i feel so alone yes i have my kids and i am grateful for that if i didnt have them i dont know what i would do if i didnt have them so i thank god for them everyday for them but thank you for your suggestions...byesssss :angel:

tammy people can be so cruel sometimes. they leave you when you need them most. a lot of people don't know how to react when someone is grieving. you go from the ones who tell you that you should be over it to the ones who stay clear of you because they don't know what to say. my heart goes out to you. i know the lonliness you feel. time doesn't get you over it but it does help you to heal. there is no right and nor wrong way to grieve. let it all happen in your time when you are ready. i wish you a peaceful day at least for today.

angel

Yeah i know i understand why people stay clear of me and i dont get mad at them i just dont understand them me myself i try to get closer to them and help them but i guess everyone has there own ways but thanks for you alls support!!! :angel:

Well finally i went through there stuff and i took your advise and kept one thing of each of thems things but i alos feel so awfull about doing it i know there gone and never coming back but i also feel like i booted them out so now how do i get rid of these feelings? i just dont understand all these feelings i have anymore all i do is sit at home anymore nothing or noone to see atleast when they were here even if they were sick i had somone to talk to all the time and now noone i just dont know how muchmore i can take :angel:

Tammy......i lost my dad in march of this year. my first real close loss. if its not too late, (i know you said you went through the things, but not sure if you have actually gotten rid of them yet).......what my mom done was packed my dads clothes up and anything that reminded her of him....as it was too unbearable to see things that belonged to him......and she put them in a room that she never goes into, so that its not a daily reminder of dad not being with us, and yet it didnt make her feel like she was rushing to "get rid of him". maybe thats what you should do.

as far as grieving and how others respond to you.....there is no "getting over it". its easier said by the ones who have never lost someone so close. everyone feels that i am dealing with my loss in the wrong way....but its my "comfort zone"....i have not really accepted that my dad is gone, i have not truly dealt with it. i refuse to allow myself to grieve, because it hurts too bad....mentally, physically and emotionally. i suffer from panic attacks, and also when i get too upset or stressed, i have tremendous pain and pressure in my chest (from stress).....and that makes me even more miserable. so, the way that i have dealt with losing dad, is remembering things we done together, things he taught me, all of the good things...instead of focusing on the fact that we will never get to make new memories together.

Have you tried reaching out to your friends? Maybe they are waiting for you to turn to them when you are ready and when you reach out to them. Before I lost my dad, I never knew what losing someone so close was like....so when friends lost their loved ones, I never knew what to say and kept my distance because I didnt know what to say, and didnt want to bring it up for fear of upsetting them. But I found out through losing my dad....there are no words that anyone can say that will ease your pain. My friends have not "abandoned" me....but they just dont mention it. But thats ok with me, because I know that if I were to call on them, they would be there for me in a heartbeat.

In my opinion, if your best friend has never gone through a loss of someone real close to them...they are not going to understand your feelings....you need to talk to someone that has experienced it themselves, as they will have knowledge and more understanding about what you are going through and will be more compassionate about wanting to listen to you. When my dad first passed away, I realized just how many friends I did have....BUT...for the ones that never lost anyone real close to them, they just listened...and didnt say anything back to me....and the ones that had lost someone close....they responded to my words, to my feelings, because they had gone through it and knew exactly how i felt. so, i know that its better to talk to someone that knows what its like, than to someone who doesnt have to a clue what you are going through. my thoughts and prayers are with you. we are always here to listen....and respond.....so post as long as you need to.

You are right you never "get over it", so many people think that there is a time frame for grieving, there isnt, that usually comes from the people that have not lost someone that they are close to.. also when people talk about getting "back to normal", there is no "getting back to normal" your "normal" is forever changed.. I lost my sister in 1978 and I still think of her all of the time, my dad died suddenly in 1998 and our 17 year old son just passed away May 14th of this year after being sick for 5 years, each death made our "normal" change.. friends and some family do not understand that our son's death was only 20 weeks ago, but to many of them it is in the past and we should "go on" since we have 3 other kids but it is hard, very hard..we still have a lot of his things right where they were on the day that he died, right smack in the living room where his bed was, i know that my in-laws come over and want to say something to us about the things still being out, but they also know that i will not be nice if they do, so they make hints, which i ignore totally... i find that coming on to this and other sites and being about to vent, or just read that there are other people in the same situation that i am in helps so much.. thank you all for sharing your stories.

Ann

Hi thanks you all for your support yes i have tried turning to them and they all just say well i will call you back or something and then they never do yeah maybe they dont know what to say to me and i understand that but i just wish i had one person that would come to me and say here let me hold you you know when my hubby was here he would hold me and i would feel so much safer and it just made me feel so much better i miss him so much i guess i dont want to believe that they are gone and thats my problem i keep thinking they will come back to me and deep down in i know it will never happpen but it feels so good to think they will and to know i am loved by them and i know they watch over me i can tell thats for sure and i am glad they are there to watch over me i just wish i could have them here i hate feeling alone and yeah i know i have my kids but they are still kids and its not fair to put all this on them they are going through the same as me if not worse so i try to be strong for them but then on the other hand i just dont feel strong anymore when my mother passed away in her wreck it was hard dont get me wrong but my dad made it through it and we had something to be thankfull for and it kinda helped plus my hubby was here too i had someone to hold me and say i am here and now its like everyone i ever loved besides my kids are gone my sister lives in texas and my brother well he is not the loving type and his wife well she like to tell lies on you so i dont even try with her and all my friends well they stay clear of me which i dont blame them they probally like you said dont know what to say but just somone to hug me would be a huge help but i also feel like i shouldnt have to ask for it i think alot all the time love doesnt come easy someone has to earn it and it is so hard to find and for it to be taken that fast well it seems so unfair but i guess god has his reasons sometimes i use to think i done something so bad that i deserved this but then also sometimes i wonder if god testes us to see how strong we are and how much we can take and maybe thats for his purpose to see if we are gonna be strong for him i know this much i never thought i could ever do this and make it through this my dad had cancer for about 3 years and was only suppost to make it a year and i thought well if he goes i will have my hubby well needless to say when hubby went my dad was here but then it seemed like wam hes gone too then i was like oh my god what is this why now? but i guess i cant be selfish because i know i wouldnt want to suffer either and i thank god my dad didnt suffer like my hubby did because it is the worst thing in the world to see someone you love suffer so badly then you have to let go afteralll but one day i hope i will be with them i dont mean killing myself or anything just when its my time then i can see all them i love agian i know me and my hubby tried to have a baby and i miscarriaged so i hope he is with our baby and loving that child how i would want to and telling that baby how much i wanted it because that was really hard for me we tried so hard for that baby but anyways i guess i will go but thanks you all for listening to me and take care and i hope all goes well with you all too :angel:

Tammy- I lost my husband one year ago, in Spetember. I know exactly how you feel. You do not have to be in any rush to get rid of any of their clothes. I know you feel guilt when you think about it, but you do not have to, you are not abondoning them or throwing them out, they live in your heart now and that is where they will remain. It might help to remove only a few things at a time. In order to feel good about it, maybe you can take them somewhere so that they can be given to a person who really needs them. I recommend you do a little at a tine, this way, you are not overwhelmed by it, emotionally.

I hope that helps... One day at a time, that is all you have to do.

Renee

Tammy -

When my dad died, I kept some of his personal items (wallet, old-time shaving kit, pocket knife, etc.) and being from the old south, my mom was able to let me give away his clothes to cousins and uncles who could wear them.

My mom died a year later, and I kept a couple of things, but she had so much clothing (even new stuff she bought a year earlier and hadn't yet worn), that I was able to outfit 2 of my female cousins with quite an addition to their wardrobes. People in my family range from "well-to-do" to "downright dirt-poor" and I consciously targeted the relatives who would benefit most from her more 'gently-used' and new clothing.

I kept some items of furniture (my dad's La-Z-boys) and donated the washer/dryer to my college age cousin, and then my mother's preacher went through the furniture and was fortunately able to find families that had been through house-fires, bad times, etc. and could use a bedroom set, couch, lamps, etc. I reasoned that my parents would be most pleased to see the things go to families that really needed the hand-up rather than sold at auction for a small price. It made me feel better, too.

To sum it up, keep some personal items you would like as keepsakes, and see if you can help people needing it with other items. I don't think you can go wrong that way.

wb

hi thanks for all you alls sugestions for me i gave my brother all my hubbys clothes other than the ones i wanted to keep and he really needed them he struggles to make it so i know he needed them and my mother in law knew someone who needed my dads stuff also so i feel better about things now the only thing is that i got my hubbys autopsy report and it really upsets me these docs here didnt find any og these things worng with him and for so long he was sick everyone says sue them but i dont know if i can go through the heart ace agian i know i dont want what happened to my hubby to happen to someone else and i think they owe us an opolgy and him to but its just so damn hard i know we will have to rember every thing everyone says you and the kids will be set for life but also it feels like my whole world has came down on me and i just dont kow if i can do it today is my hubbys b-day i have been thinking of him alot and our annerversary is tuesday so this mounth is gonna be a bad mounth anyways then that damn autospy report comes to that was just to weird but they say his lupus and the meds they gave him for his lupus made his immune system go way down then that and his lupus killed him but there was like 40 things or more wrong with him can you believe it and all these docs here said it was all in his head go figure i just dont see why they treated him as he was there for pain killers and act as if he were lieing it bothers me alot but also how could i go through that agian and i think alot of times i thinkof him as gone on a trip not being gone griefing is not easy for me so if i dont beleive it its easier i know one day i have to face it but i just cant him or my dad with dad i can believe him being on a trip more than my hubby but i try to with both except today i cant its a really hard day then wondering if i should do this yeah i know it will help other people but how do i deal with it? i would feel like he had to die for us to have money and i rather be poor and have him here with me then my step daughter tells lies on me all the time like i was this cheating ***** and thats what she calls me and yeah at first i thought she is griveing but i can only take so much i helped raise that girl i always put her first how can she do this to me? well anyways thanks for your support..... :angel:

Hi all sorry i havent posted in awhile but these holidays are getting to me i miss my dad and my hubby so bad these days and its hard to eventhink about going on with a love life but then these married men wanting to sleep with me what the hell they all say thier wemon dont understand them i tell them well explain it to them and just dont ask me to do this... well anyways i am sure one day my mr.right will come along agian but as of right now well i am not sure i want him to because i reallymiss my hubbby sooooo much sometimes i dont even know how to act anymore i love my kids but i feel so lonely anymore i just dont know what to do is it right to have all these mixed emotions?
well anyways thanks for letting me vent this board helps me out alot i cna say things here that noone judges me for and it helps alot byesssss :angel:

Hi i just lost my hubby on august 3rd of 2005 and my father on august 28th of 2005 and i cant bring myself of doing anything with thier clothes,ect. i need to do something with them i keep looking at them and all i can do is cry i miss them so much i hate they died i try so hard to make it through the days but sometimes i dont want to just dont know what to do i feel like i am booting them out if i remove there stuff can anyone help me? :confused:
No need to hurry on this. You need time to feel the grief and you will know when it is time to remove their clothes. If the clothes are usable perhaps donating them to charties will help. That way you can feel as if you helped someone else out It has only been three months give it time you will know