chromer roller
09-16-2005, 10:33 AM
Ladies,
Time for some much needed advice. I'm hoping other husbands listen to your replies. My wife finally found a new gyn, that "understands" her symptoms of peri (about two years running). She's got all the classic's along with the Jekyl and Hyde mood swings, which I fully understand. Sex is all but gone. It's not monthly anymore, it might be quarterly, and it's anything but intimate. No tounching or closeness. This pretty much goes with the other territory that includes a short temper and REALLY ugly verbal attacks. Still, I'm thinking this is normal. She finally got a whole load of tests and the doc says nothing is out of the ordinary for her to perscribe any hormonal balancing. So now I've lost any self confidence, because I'm doing my darndest to understand and be as loving as I can, but it's getting really hurtful. I'm reading the posts and the books and feel I'm as educated as I can be, but I'm still failing miserably at being there for her. Somebody just tell me, that this is normal. This is about the time the insensitive husband goes out and buys a red BMW convertible and tries to have lasting relationship with a 22 year old. Instead, I went out and bought the red book called The Pause.
Time for some much needed advice. I'm hoping other husbands listen to your replies. My wife finally found a new gyn, that "understands" her symptoms of peri (about two years running). She's got all the classic's along with the Jekyl and Hyde mood swings, which I fully understand. Sex is all but gone. It's not monthly anymore, it might be quarterly, and it's anything but intimate. No tounching or closeness. This pretty much goes with the other territory that includes a short temper and REALLY ugly verbal attacks. Still, I'm thinking this is normal. She finally got a whole load of tests and the doc says nothing is out of the ordinary for her to perscribe any hormonal balancing. So now I've lost any self confidence, because I'm doing my darndest to understand and be as loving as I can, but it's getting really hurtful. I'm reading the posts and the books and feel I'm as educated as I can be, but I'm still failing miserably at being there for her. Somebody just tell me, that this is normal. This is about the time the insensitive husband goes out and buys a red BMW convertible and tries to have lasting relationship with a 22 year old. Instead, I went out and bought the red book called The Pause.
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chromer roller
09-16-2005, 02:04 PM
The new gyn is female and very cool. I offered to be a part of the visits with the doctor for support, just like I was during pregnancy, but she had said she doesn't want me there. I'm ok with it, because I think she needed to talk about ALL of the symptoms, which include the hot and cold and tired and edgy and memory loss and on-and on. No anti depressants were prescribed, but I know she'd never take them any way. What has helped is the all natural over the counter supplement for the hot flashes. That made a big differnece because she's able to sleep. Excercise and regular meals consisting of balanced portions have also helped. We work out together, which is our only quality time together.
Maybe I'm trying to know too much, because there are times when she's quick to point out, "no this isn't one of my symptoms". I think she's just very frustrated and is very self conscious. Perhaps she percieves herself as always "on trial". I keep up with the boards often. Maybe, I'm just looking for a little something from her that she appreciates me being there.
Maybe I'm trying to know too much, because there are times when she's quick to point out, "no this isn't one of my symptoms". I think she's just very frustrated and is very self conscious. Perhaps she percieves herself as always "on trial". I keep up with the boards often. Maybe, I'm just looking for a little something from her that she appreciates me being there.
kathy42
09-16-2005, 03:10 PM
Well for me if I feel sick or something I'm always asking myself could this be one of the symptoms? And I'm always wondering when I'm out and about "does she have symptoms, what is she going thru, etc.....So when I'm with my husband I just want a few moments not to think about it. It's nice to know that you want to know everything and to help her as much as possible but maybe if you just told her that you'll be there if she ever wants to talk and just let her reach out to you. That's what works for me and my husband. And sometimes we're so absorbed with what's going on with our own bodies that we sometimes forget to tell those we love how much we appreciate them. Rest assured though from what I've read, that what your wife was like before peri she will come through this and be that person again with some added benefits. That was my biggest fear was will I ever get thru this and will I be the same person as before. I know I will be same person but I will have more wisdom on diet, exercise, nutrition, and what I want out of life. I'm only 42 and I still have a lifetime left and I still have to guide our 3 kids (21,20 and 17) But thanks for sort of reminding me that I need to say thanks to those who are going thru this with me. My favorite saying right now is "THIS TOO SHALL PASS".
Kathy
Kathy
rmc12
09-16-2005, 04:18 PM
Hello ChromeRoller,
My husband is also very supportive but at times I know I put him through the wringer and say hurtful things , etc. and just am not myself. But like Kathy said this whole peri thing will pass and keep telling yourself that and it is a good mantra too for your wife to repeat. Sometimes that is all that gets me thru is that knowing it will NOT be always like this. And it hasn't been constant. Last year, eariler in the year, was the worst so far for me and early this year. I have been having symptoms for a couple years and am 51. The anxiety and the feeling like you just cannot control your mood are awful.
Knowing that my husband is always there for me and is supportive as you are to your wife gets me thru it and I am sure although she might not always say so your wife is grateful for your support and care.
The book the Pause is a great tool to realize what is going on and why. Testing of hormones during this time can really be unreliable according to my gyn and others as our hormones are all over the place. The very fact that women are in their mid 40s (sometimes earlier) they are in perimenopause, the time before menopause. The book you bought is a great eduacting tool and also is a calming influence i think as it shows you that this is all normal and women do get thru it. These boards act as the same lifeboat and you should be commended for being here and finding out what you can for your wife.
Hang in there,
rmc
My husband is also very supportive but at times I know I put him through the wringer and say hurtful things , etc. and just am not myself. But like Kathy said this whole peri thing will pass and keep telling yourself that and it is a good mantra too for your wife to repeat. Sometimes that is all that gets me thru is that knowing it will NOT be always like this. And it hasn't been constant. Last year, eariler in the year, was the worst so far for me and early this year. I have been having symptoms for a couple years and am 51. The anxiety and the feeling like you just cannot control your mood are awful.
Knowing that my husband is always there for me and is supportive as you are to your wife gets me thru it and I am sure although she might not always say so your wife is grateful for your support and care.
The book the Pause is a great tool to realize what is going on and why. Testing of hormones during this time can really be unreliable according to my gyn and others as our hormones are all over the place. The very fact that women are in their mid 40s (sometimes earlier) they are in perimenopause, the time before menopause. The book you bought is a great eduacting tool and also is a calming influence i think as it shows you that this is all normal and women do get thru it. These boards act as the same lifeboat and you should be commended for being here and finding out what you can for your wife.
Hang in there,
rmc
ainfante
09-16-2005, 04:35 PM
The new gyn is female and very cool. I offered to be a part of the visits with the doctor for support, just like I was during pregnancy, but she had said she doesn't want me there. I'm ok with it, because I think she needed to talk about ALL of the symptoms, which include the hot and cold and tired and edgy and memory loss and on-and on. No anti depressants were prescribed, but I know she'd never take them any way. What has helped is the all natural over the counter supplement for the hot flashes. That made a big differnece because she's able to sleep. Excercise and regular meals consisting of balanced portions have also helped. We work out together, which is our only quality time together.
Maybe I'm trying to know too much, because there are times when she's quick to point out, "no this isn't one of my symptoms". I think she's just very frustrated and is very self conscious. Perhaps she percieves herself as always "on trial". I keep up with the boards often. Maybe, I'm just looking for a little something from her that she appreciates me being there.
Hi there. U r great! I repeat, Great! Most men would have slept around or filed for a divorce, and in actuality, I wouldn't blame you if you did, coz we are not easy to deal with . Just because we are the ones going through it (women) doesn't mean we have the right to tear our husbands apart in the mean time. I would suggest therapy too. I believe there might be more than perimenopause going on here. Possibly she is angry and peri just drives the anger more. Some female or male gynes are just not recognizing perimenopause, I am lucky there, mine does but she is also an endocronoligist and an infertility specialist, sometimes they are just more up to date. I can remember back when docs didn't believe in PMS, now most do, lol My sister refuses to do hormones or anti-depressants so she does an herb called chastenberry and it helps her alot. why don't you research it. sure, it's not easy this permenopause, back in my mom's day and before, they institutionalized women coz they thought they were crazy. Now adays, much smoother but it's a rough ride. That Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde thing she goes through, I can fully understand, it's like being possessed all of a sudden and there goes the temper, mood, etc. Hope this helps
Andrea
Maybe I'm trying to know too much, because there are times when she's quick to point out, "no this isn't one of my symptoms". I think she's just very frustrated and is very self conscious. Perhaps she percieves herself as always "on trial". I keep up with the boards often. Maybe, I'm just looking for a little something from her that she appreciates me being there.
Hi there. U r great! I repeat, Great! Most men would have slept around or filed for a divorce, and in actuality, I wouldn't blame you if you did, coz we are not easy to deal with . Just because we are the ones going through it (women) doesn't mean we have the right to tear our husbands apart in the mean time. I would suggest therapy too. I believe there might be more than perimenopause going on here. Possibly she is angry and peri just drives the anger more. Some female or male gynes are just not recognizing perimenopause, I am lucky there, mine does but she is also an endocronoligist and an infertility specialist, sometimes they are just more up to date. I can remember back when docs didn't believe in PMS, now most do, lol My sister refuses to do hormones or anti-depressants so she does an herb called chastenberry and it helps her alot. why don't you research it. sure, it's not easy this permenopause, back in my mom's day and before, they institutionalized women coz they thought they were crazy. Now adays, much smoother but it's a rough ride. That Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde thing she goes through, I can fully understand, it's like being possessed all of a sudden and there goes the temper, mood, etc. Hope this helps
Andrea
katidid95
09-18-2005, 08:23 PM
Dear Chrome roller:
I appreciate so much your willingness to learn about peri for your wife. My husband has also been very supportive with my mood swings, etc. which started probably about 8 years ago. But it was only about 2 years ago that I finally read a book called "What your doctor never told you about peri menopause" that I finally realized what was going on. I did some basic changes (like diet and exercise, supplements) that helped a lot. I've recently started having major symptoms (like severe anxiety, heart palps, insomnic, etc.) and he has been so totally supportive. I mean for a while I thought I was dying of some horrible disease. I'm still struggling, but have sought doctors that I feel comfortable with and pursuing treatment that I want (this board has been helpful also!)
I haven't wanted to take antidepressants either and thought my doctors was crazy for even suggesting it, but after months of feeling angry and depressed, I'm reconsidering. At least until I can get my hormones balanced (I'm currently using bioidentical hormones). Each of us has to find our way and do what it is that works for us (mind and body).
I don't know what to say about sex drives - it's so different for all of us. All I can say is that many of us are low on testosterone (I was) and if I'm having hot flashes, insomnia and horrible fatigue, sex just isn't going to sound attractive. I think also just a general feeling of depressions, for me anyway, comes into play.
I have to say, there's nothing I hate worse than my husband asking "is it that time?". I think he finally just started keeping that thought to himself and just "know". Instead, he will send me an e-card, rub my shoulders or just do something sweet and I don't even realize he's doing that because he "knows".
Hang in there!
I appreciate so much your willingness to learn about peri for your wife. My husband has also been very supportive with my mood swings, etc. which started probably about 8 years ago. But it was only about 2 years ago that I finally read a book called "What your doctor never told you about peri menopause" that I finally realized what was going on. I did some basic changes (like diet and exercise, supplements) that helped a lot. I've recently started having major symptoms (like severe anxiety, heart palps, insomnic, etc.) and he has been so totally supportive. I mean for a while I thought I was dying of some horrible disease. I'm still struggling, but have sought doctors that I feel comfortable with and pursuing treatment that I want (this board has been helpful also!)
I haven't wanted to take antidepressants either and thought my doctors was crazy for even suggesting it, but after months of feeling angry and depressed, I'm reconsidering. At least until I can get my hormones balanced (I'm currently using bioidentical hormones). Each of us has to find our way and do what it is that works for us (mind and body).
I don't know what to say about sex drives - it's so different for all of us. All I can say is that many of us are low on testosterone (I was) and if I'm having hot flashes, insomnia and horrible fatigue, sex just isn't going to sound attractive. I think also just a general feeling of depressions, for me anyway, comes into play.
I have to say, there's nothing I hate worse than my husband asking "is it that time?". I think he finally just started keeping that thought to himself and just "know". Instead, he will send me an e-card, rub my shoulders or just do something sweet and I don't even realize he's doing that because he "knows".
Hang in there!
chromer roller
09-19-2005, 10:23 AM
A gracious thanks to all of you. The lack of words in our relationship is probably the most difficult, since we've always been able to communicate all through the years of raising a family. In listening to some of your responses, perhaps it may be the time for less words. In the last two years it has been an adjustment, but I'm learning the new unspoken communication of reading her emotions. Probably the greatest improvements have been made by me in understanding the signs and reacting accordingly. I know there is something special on the "other side" of all of this, but at times it's difficult to see beyond our own selfish desires. Thank you all again.
danigirl
09-19-2005, 11:28 PM
May I just start off by saying you are the greatest!! 98% of men would not have even taken the time to purchase that book let alone actually read it. This shows that you truly care about your wife, what a lucky woman she is. Has she considered natural progesterone? Its worth a try. It has worked for me and my fiance really notices a difference. And you know what really helps me more than words or anything else, is just him being quiet and holding me. It just makes everything so much better and I feel so "safe". If I start to have one of my anxiety attacks, or nausea feelings, he's there to just hold me for a little while. Try this.