I was thinking about just how far back in time my depression might have been manifesting, and wondered what input others might have. For those of you who have been dealing with this for a while, do you think it may have stemmed all the way back to your childhood? Why?


I remember sometime in grammar school reading about a native american going out in the woods and simply willing himself to stop living after witnessing the destruction of his entire tribe. I thought it was the best idea I'd ever heard of, and started in earnest trying to will my heart to stop beating, or to just quit breathing. This was the first time I can recall embracing the idea of choosing to end my own life, and that maybe it was ok to do if you suffered too much.

My Grandmother told me once that I was the saddest child she ever knew, although I remember feeling somewhat "happy" before the childhood sexual abuse started (or maybe just a lot less happy after?). I have only vague memories of playing "dress up", but my mother tells me when I was pre-k age (possiby pre-abuse) one of my favorite games was "sleeping beauty", wherein I would put on a pretty dress and tiara, lie in bed with my hands neatly folded, and pretend to be "dead".

Anyone else have some freaky stories?

JCcat

Not so much freaky as sad. Yes, I believe it begins in childhood. My mother was very good about keeping us clothed and fed with plenty of books for company. Meanwhile emotionally she was absent, trapped in her own hell with my father. They divorced when I was nine and a couple of years later came the step-father who, though a good man in many ways, gave my brother and I the message that our problems were nothing compared to what he had endured. And the step-mother who resented my existence on the planet. Anyway... I have many stories about how my life was never encouraged or celebrated... and how all the elders expected me to fail for one reason or another until I adopted this attitude as well. Knowing more about these same elders and their struggles and hardships helps intellectually, very much so when they take the time to explain, but that little girl still can be quite needy for affirmation and approval. Something I am wary of while I too, do the best I can and find comfort in the independence and strength that grew out of a lonely childhood. Good question.

Not so much freaky as sad. Yes, I believe it begins in childhood. My mother was very good about keeping us clothed and fed with plenty of books for company. Meanwhile emotionally she was absent, trapped in her own hell with my father. They divorced when I was nine and a couple of years later came the step-father who, though a good man in many ways, gave my brother and I the message that our problems were nothing compared to what he had endured. And the step-mother who resented my existence on the planet. Anyway... I have many stories about how my life was never encouraged or celebrated... and how all the elders expected me to fail for one reason or another until I adopted this attitude as well. Knowing more about these same elders and their struggles and hardships helps intellectually, very much so when they take the time to explain, but that little girl still can be quite needy for affirmation and approval. Something I am wary of while I too, do the best I can and find comfort in the independence and strength that grew out of a lonely childhood. Good question.

well, i dont know if this has significance in my case, but i do remeber feeling alone, sad and scared, many if which now as an adult i understand is wrong to feel at that age all the time. i sumtimes think back and realise that in some way my whole outlook as a child was slightly distorted-ive heard my family sarcastically mention i was a weird child.

i was always afraid of being left, small things like my mom going into shops without me or anything-i thought she as leaving me on purpose or she was going to be killed. i think alot of it comes form my primarty skool,i was buillied and excluded so i spent alot of time feeling alone, i never learnt to interact without beign nervous of a persons reaction, i spent alot of time on my own little world were i had lots of freinds but ended up being unable to communicate my feelings, now i wud be mortified if i had to open up to someone. alot of these things contribute to depression. i think its more proof that environment plays a big role. is it me or when you are a child, very small things can majorly affect a child, stand out and scare them, they see everything different and its a delicate balance that if upset can have disasterous consequences. anyone ?? xox

I started thinking back and I JUST CAN'T GO THERE. Maybe sometime, but not today.

The horrors visited on children are INCONCEIVABLE.

There's a line from an old Broadway play uttered by a then very young Swoosie Kurtz: "People shouldn't have children; TREES should have children."

is it me or when you are a child, very small things can majorly affect a child, stand out and scare them, they see everything different and its a delicate balance that if upset can have disasterous consequences. anyone ?? xox

I think it seems reasonable enough to assume that if we are already experiencing depression/anxiety issues that small things could seem disastrous as children, since that the way it sometimes happens to us as adults, but I suspect most of us have had more than minor abuse or neglect related issues somewhere along the line as well. I'm not sure I can remember a time when there were ONLY minor events upsetting me, as usually an overreaction to a small thing was more about the BIG things that everyone in the family was either in denial about or hiding.

(((((hugs)))))

JC

im not sure.
my doctor wants me to go in counseling and im afraid to because i might leave the counseling and end up hating my parents.

i dont know.......
ever since i started Lexapro i dont no anything anymore.:confused:

my doctor wants me to go in counseling and im afraid to because i might leave the counseling and end up hating my parents.


I completely understand, but as a person who's had some success with a few different therapists ( i.e, I felt I was less depressed/anxious for the help they gave me) I hope it will comfort you to know that not all therapy is about delving into the past and finding fault with your upbringing.

Some therapy is about how to cope with the effects you are feeling NOW, and how to lessen the severity of some of the tough times. I do think the meds work WAY better if you have some good therapy too... and not the parent-blaming kind, but the kind that helps you to understand that it's ok to take care of yourself, be kind and patient with yourself, and that you're not a complete freak because you need medication or have a few issues. What I've said here may sound really simple, but for me anyway, I needed lots of convincing.

I think it's really wise of you to recognize that not all therapy is great for everyone, because it isn't. A therapist who fundamentally disagrees with you on certain issues (like the importance of lambasting your parents) might not be so helpful for you. My method for trying a new therapist is to sort of interview them at my first appointment. I like to know what type of psychology/therapy interests them, and I also find their spiritual/religious orientation and views on 12 step programs helpful toward making a decision about whether or not they are likely to be helpful for me, since I am opinionated about those topics and not likely to see eye to eye with someone of a diametrically opposed viewpoint, particularly if they lack tolerance. Clearly a therapist who believes your only hope at mental health is to figure out what your parents did wrong is not likely to make you feel a lot better right now. The best way to find that out from the very beginning is just to ask.

Sorry to hear you're feeling a little ookie from the meds. Hang in there. It gets better.

((hugs))

JCcat

I think it was not being able to sleep. I remember a lot of nights I was seriously trying to sleep and even had my father come in and give me tips on how to get to sleep. I see now that kids fall asleep pretty fast on a regular schedule. This might have been an indication that I was different neurologically.
I also perseverated a lot as a kid on things that hurt my feelings, having long drawn out fantasies about my telling people how badly they hurt me. Also odd for a child of 8 or 9 years old (I think???) I too had a lot of serious trauma as a kid (my mother committed suicide, father an alcoholic, neglected, mean stepmother). There's no question I would struggle with my own wellbeing well into my adulthood.

i CAN REMEBER NEVER WANTING TO GO OUT AS YOUNG AS 7.bUT AS GOT OLDER IT GOT WORSE.iSAT IN MY ROOM WITH A STEREO,OR OUTSIDE ALSONE.JUST THOUGHT I WAS A LONER! aFTER A 26 YEAR MARRIAGE THAT CONSISTED OF ABUSE IT GOT WORSE.i FAILED MISERABLY BUT LISTENED TO HIM BLAME ME.NOW I GO OUT,STILL DO NOT GO TO STORES UNTIL LATE IN EVENINGS,AM DIVORCED.DISABLED.

I saw this thread yesterday and was going to reply but something stopped me. I had one of those childhoods that is better not to remember, I already have too many nightmares. As a kid I use to spend a lot of time in my head for it was the safest place to be and as I aged I would still retreat back inside if something was not going right or I felt overwhelmed. I hid my depression for years until finally it came pouring out to the point where I lost control and over a year later I still can't grab on. I still live in my head interviews, elaborate storylines, and so on.

trg247

I do think I have been depressed my whole life.

I can remember when I had to start elementary school and being so sad. For whatever reason I did not like the change and did not want to be at school. I would cry during school because I had to be there.

I was clothed and fed but my mother was emotionally distant. I was never congratulated for achievements. I can remember as a child wondering if she loved me.

My dad is a drug addict/schizophrenic and prone to crazy rages. No one was there to comfort me and tell me things would be ok. So I was scared, sad and alone. I also had to suppress my anger so now I don't ever feel angry and I have mild PTSD around yelling and anger.

I remember when we had to do an assignment and I took it very literally and another classmate critcized my idea. I took it very personally. I must've had and still have low self esteem, confidence etc...

I think that we can probably be born with depression and certain environmental factors can make it worse.

My depression started around puberty. I think all the anxiety of that time brought on the depression, but many things had happened in my earlier childhood that set me up to become depressed later. It just didn't start to manifest itself until later.

Well I remember being sad alot starting at around age 6 I guess. My Dad was an alcoholic and beat up my Mom every wkend. He never hit me and my sister, just my Mom. And my Mom was the sweetest person you could ever meet. Dad passed away at age 15 from the drinking and it went down hill from there.I met my first husband that I became obsessed with and he treated me really bad. I did okay for a while after we split up and met my husband. I moved back home and my Grandmother and Mom got sick with cancer at the same time. I lost them both. After going thru the suffering with my Mom for a year and a half the depression hit full force and here I am. 5 years later and I'm as bad off as I think it gets. So anyway I guess age 6!

I remember from about 6 I would wonder if anyone would notice or care if I was gone. but i never told anyone when i was sad so no one could ever help. now i tell people too much!

I would lay for hours in the grass and pretend i was dead. TOTAL silence,peace and only movement was the clouds. So yea i guess i wanted to be dead and make it go away.Now that i think about it.Yours of feeling as wanting to be dressed as a princess, woulld maybe be someone unspoiled.And clean,still untouched beauty we are taught about a princess when we are small.just think about it that way.Its not at all freaky.:angel:

Wow..... well... My parents were married and appeared to have a happy marriage, my brother and I had a fairly good relationship, we lived in a nice house in a nice suburb, I had lots of friends on my block that I played with, and lots of friends in school. I was a pretty happy kid.

I did have chronic nightmares and horrible fear of the dark, though. Every night I'd wake up around 3-ish from a nightmare and be so scared I'd have to run to my parents' room and sleep on the floor. (To this day, I am pretty much comfortable sleeping anywhere-- I guess that's the one positive outcome there!)

I was also very scared of scary movies.. and sometimes, in the dark, I thought I saw the glowing eyes of monsters, and that sort of thing. I wouldn't quite say it was hallucination, so much as my eyes playing tricks on me due to extreme anxiety.

The major turning point in my life, as I've seen it for a while anyway, was when I was 11, and a good friend passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. I've pretty much struggled with depression from that point on (I'm now 23.) I don't blame her death for my depression; I mean I think it was kind of a springboard, but I think I still would have fallen into it anyway, just maybe more gradually.

Update on parents.. They are now divorced (have been for about 5 years), and I have a lot of issues with both of them. I feel that my dad does not really care about me, and with my mom there are just a lot of strong emotions, some of which are hateful, others which are good. Brother and I have NO relationship (since I was about 10, and he and I really haven't spoken, at ALL), and that upsets me.

I think my depression is mostly biological though. Some of us are just programmed this way.