Well, Mom's remarkable recovery got her as far as a rehab clinic (Thursday) and after getting adjusted to the new place and a restful weekend, therapy began today.

Mom was not able to do any of it.

There is not enough strength in her arms to support herself on a walker. Her legs are too painful to stand on ..the leg which had the hip operation cannot carry her weight, the other leg can't move because she would have to put weight on the bad leg to move it . .so she just stands there.

Then they tried to give her some exercises involving a sand bag to increase the strength in her arms so she can keep herself upright using a walker and later, maybe, crutches. She couldn't do it. Her arms are also too weak to lift the required sand bags.

Bill was there during therapy and said she really did try hard but had a lot of pain and no success, none at all.

She was crying and frustrated and ready to give up. Ready to spend the remaining part of her life in a wheel chair.

I think everyone (including me) was expecting far too much from her. The hip operation was only ONE week ago ..how can she be expected to start walking alone with a walker?? What is the hurry: oh yes, of course, the Medicare 20 day limit on therapy , in patient. That's why the great rush.

It is sad to think Mom may give up after her very positive attitude all weekend .. but maybe they will see the error of their ways and take it slowly. She may not graduate to a walker before time is up, but even if she can stand and shuffle along between 2 people as she did at the hospital (still on morphine, now on nothing) it will be SOMETHING.

None of her feelings today have anything to do with her dementia,(which seems to be temporarily suspended!!!) You or I would be just as frustrated and disgusted . I know I would.

I lived overseas for 30 yrs and I know at least one case of a person who got 3 MONTHS of rehabilitaion (in a clinic) after an operation .. at no extra cost, insurance covered everything ... that person was 60, not 97...

Or do they think it is useless to bother at her age, so 20 days will be enough?

I know it is not likely, but does anyone out there know of a person over 90 who could walk again after hip surgery?? I somehow see her relegated to a wheelchair from now on (this is not the end of the world either, but likely means a NH rather than 'going home" which Mom hoped for ...

love,

Martha

I just heard from a friend who is a nurse. She says they should be giving Mom painkillers 1/2 to 1 hr before the therapy sessions begin .. I sent it on to Bill. Hope that helps. This nurse said most hip surgery patients refuse pain meds because '"t only hurts when I move." Yet moving is what they need most. Paradox.

Let's hope tomorrow is better than today.

I'm sorry for what happened to your Grandma.

M

Hi Martha,

I certainly hope the key is found so your mom can have rehab at a rate she can handle. She's had such an active life, it's sad to hit a roadblock now and sadder to imagine her frustration. Bless her heart!

My Mom was in a wheelchair the last 18 months of her life because she couldn't follow the PT instructions and do strengthening exercises. At that point, she didn't mind in the least.

Hope things are better tomorrow.

Sending hugs - Barbara :wave:

Martha, when I started reading your post, I thought "I'll bet they're doing the PT when her meds are wearing off". I was shocked when you said she wasn't on pain meds. My dh was on celebrex and later ultracet for several months after his surgeries.

I think insurance companies set specific time limits without ever concidering age or other health impairments. Of course we all know the older we get, the longer it takes to heal.

I hope the doctor will rx something for your mom's pain. That's inhumane to expect someone of any age who has gone through a surgery like that to do PT without anything for pain!

Do you think a visit from you might help to lift her spirits? If you can't visit just yet, maybe send her a care package? I know a box of Fannie May or a bag of Dove chocolates always lifts my spirits. (hmmmm, for some reason, the smilies won't work-clicking them brings me to the top of the page. ???).

I'm so sorry your mom isn't doing as well as everyone had hoped. But with pain meds, maybe things will change.

In the meantime, your mom is with Sally's MIL in my prayers.

Love, Barb

I found out today that Mom can have Percodan for pain any time she wants it, but she says no. A friend who is a nurse (actually Jenny's sister in law) told me many hip surgery patients refuse meds because ''it doesn't hurt unless I move." But moving is what they need to do to get well!

Bill is very frustrated over the whole thing.

Jenny and I sent flowers yesterday and that cheered Mom up a little.

My oldest son and my granddaughter (from Germany) are thinking of visiting Grandma in a couple of weeks when school is cloesd for fall vacation. If they fly to NY I will certainly go too, we can stay at the same motel and visit Mom every day, and also spend time together; it's been 2 years since I saw them! That would be on October 10 to 16th.

I have to wait and see what Bill thinks of that visit, or if it even gets off the ground. He is frustrated that Mom seems to be ''giving up." She is not giving up, it's just very very hard, very painful, and she is so old and worn out.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers.

Love,

Martha

Update:

I am too flabbergasted to talk clearly.

Bill says he and Anna are now so burnt out that they can't see having Mom back at their house if she cannot go up the stairs. The bathroom is upstairs.

He now suggests she come back to ME, only now to my new apartment here in Indiana.

I have wall to wall carpeting, put down by the landlord .. not even a washable floor in the bathroom. Remember Mom's poopy messes on the floor in Astoria?

My doorways are narrow, especially the door the the bathroom .. no wheel chair or walker is going to fit through these doors.

But those are just the excuses. The fact is I cannot bear to have Mom back to live with me in my spare room :rolleyes: (where I now have this computer and toys for the grandkids )..I cannot bear having to listen to her all day long and answer the repeated questions. Fight with her to let me wash her! Her doctor is not here, her dentist and her insurance etc etc ...

Technically I suppose it is possible to get all that changed. BUT I so greatly prefer having her in a Nursing Home! I have been rooting for this for over a year! Bill and Anna volunteered to take her in just to avoid that happening. Now after 3 months they are ready to give up? I wonder if the stairs and the walker or wheelchair are only an excuse, since he was getting pretty fed up even before she fell.

Now they want me to come to NY for a week, mind their granddaughter (my great niece) so the two of them can get away to the lake.

Fine and dandy.

Being the full time babysitter means I cannot even go to se Mom unless the nephew or niece take me after work ....

And where are the other grandparents, Ingrid's sister, cousin (who also has a baby the same age and is a stay at home mother) etc etc??

I am feeling thwacked by a large brick right now.

Going to NY to baby sit is way way less scary than full time Mom care all over again!

As for Ohio: they live on a 4 level house ... no way Mom can even get to one bathroom there without a chair lift of some sort ...and also, how do they think Mom will get to Ohio or Indiana if she can't even get out of the wheelchair onto the seat on the plane? And where in my newly found precious little nest do I fit all her STUFF???

I always planned this as a one woman home ..occasional guests, of course ..but not as a situation with a full time patient ..

The reason for all this is complicated: Mom's money would run out in about a year at a NH. Then Medicaid would kick in.


Martha

Hi Martha,

Move in with you??? Outrageous! As the old anti-drug ad read: Just say NO. Flat out. No negotiations. It's out of the question. Call and write this to Bill today. Nip it in the bud!!!!!!!!! Not up for discussion now or ever. Don't let Bill bring it up again. NO GUILT either!

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!!!!!! Oh, did I say I think it's a REALLY BAD IDEA?????

Just say NO!!!!

Sadly, it may be time for your mother to be in a nursing home. At her age, maybe a year would be enough. Maybe all of the family could chip in to cover what Medicare doesn't.

How long ago did your mother turn over the farm property to her grandson? Was it done with all the legal transfer of ownership? If enough time has passed, the government cannot consider that still her property. It would be regretable if the family farm left the hands of that part of the family, but really, that's not your concern. Your concern is your life. You are more important.

As for babysitting ... of course, you could say yes or no, but I think you should say you cannot come to babysit unless time is made with others babysitting so you can see friends, spend time with your mother, and have free time to use as you choose. You can delay your answer and say you'll confer with your daughter when she returns about your commitments to her family, and will let them know when you can come. I vote you voice your requirement for equal time. You're not the nanny. You're the great-aunt, daughter, sister, and friend of lots of New Yorkers and if you come, you'll plan to see them. Another consideration is that if other family comes to see Grandma, you could perhaps time your trip so you'll babysit either before they arrive or after they leave. Set a limit on the time you'll babysit - no more than a week or whatever.

Stand strong!!

Hugs - Barbara :)

Thanks Barbara.

I have calmed down somewhat. I called Elsie. She said why should you go to baby sit; she's not YOUR Granddaughter!

She also said getting Mom here or to Ohio is out of the question, there is no way she can take her in and she does not see why I have to.

She also said the farm is not our chief concern. It isn't about Frank it's about MOM!

I will not write or call Bill and say a big fat no just yet, since he is in a state of acute burnout. I will say it later, when we know if and when Mom is supposed to go home!

love,

Martha

Excellent reasoning, Martha!

Amazing, Moo came through! Wonders never cease!!

Now copy and print all of this and attach it to your refrigerator so you can see it when needed!!

(((((hugs))))) Barbara :)

OK I spoke to Bill.

Here's the story: he is depressed. He can't sleep. HE IS BLAMING HIMSELF FOR MOM'S FALL.

"If only I had bought a ranch house (no stairs) ... if only I had done this or that. I should have taken her to hospital X in Queens instead of where she was. etc etc."

I advised him to go out and buy a large bottle of St John's Wort, the poor man's anti depressant. I got myself through my marriage breakup and Momcare on that wonderful herb. Your troubles don't end, but you feel better and sleep better.

He says there is no way Mom can ever come home. Not to his house, not to mine or Elsie's - she will never be able to walk or stand.

Basis for his reasoning is his departed MIL who had AD and also fell and broke her hips THREE times. She never got up again unless to fall and re-break it again ..forgeting it was broken.

Mom forgets everything. The Physiotherapist tells her what to do now , during the session, and then all day long, ex turn the leg slightly from side to side. She forgets. Bill came and found her doing her old Senior Center finger exercises. "The therapist told me to do my exercises." Yes, what about the foot, leg? She did them on the good leg. And what about the other leg? "oh no, that's the one that hurts. She told me not to move that one."

She does whatever she can during the actual therapy sessions 2x a day and the rest of the day she doesn't know she is suppoosed to do it.

Bill says her dementia is not better at all - he was just emphasizing the good things - yes she did explain her dream very well.

He inquired again about property ownership: in New York you can be investigated back FIVE years to make sure you did not dispose of your assetts just to get on Medicaid. There's no chance of getting on Medicaid. Her 100 days with coverage will be up in about 3 months. Now she is still on the first 20 of them, no co pay at all. Day 21 to 100 costs $117 per day. By about December 20 she will be kicked out if the family cannot pay approximately $10,000 a month for nursing home care.

He is convinced that will happen .. and in a couple of months her assetts are gone, then the 1/4 of the farm has to be sold.

I didn't have the heart to tell him it isn't all about Frank, it's about MOM ... he knows that, but he tried so hard to prevent this .

All I could finally come up with to make him feel a little better was: Mom is nearly 97 (Oct 22) and she may not even live long enough to spend all her money. She may not even make it to Dec 20. Let's cross all those bridges when we get to them.

He also said Mom's feet and ankles are so swollen he can not get her slippers on her feet. That is new. A staff doctor is monitoring her.

Meanwhile he told me it is ridiculous for me to come to NY to mind the baby. So that too is off ...

I hope HE gets through all this OK .. his son Frank now has a heart condition caused by heavy smoking and nerves ... his job is really very stressful ... this worries Bill also. It is a horrible thing to think "it would have been better if Mom had not woken up."

But I believe God had a reason for all this.

M

Hi Martha,

I am sorry that you are going thru so much stress, which we were hoping you would not have to do anymore! I am glad that your brother talked with you again and cleared up some things. Is there any reason why the other 1/4 people cannot be made to fork over their parts of the farm too? Might the government tell them to?

Please,Please,Please - do not under any circumstances let your mother move back in with you!!!!! I do not think that you should have to do that and I do not think that it would work for anyone - especially you! You deserve your peace now. You worked long and hard before your mom moved in with Bill, now it is either someone elses turn or time for the NH. It really is time for your mom to move to a NH. And it will be ok if she has to get about in a wheel chair. My dad may have one soon, for going places that require more walking! We are checking into it now. He had some dizzy, unsteady, and weakness problems while he was in New Braunfels with my sister. No more falls yet. Most of the time there is someone there to help him.

Why is NH care so expensive up there? It is only $3,000 - $5,000. here in Texas - or at least the Houston area. Just let the farm go. Her safety and well being is the most important thing. Tell Bill and everyone else, that is so. I am sure that most of - if not all - my parents hard earned money will go to the government for their care. They just will not part with it now, for any reason. Plus my father may not make it 5 years!

You stand your ground and just do what you can and not what everyone wants you to. And I mean, by "can", physically and mentally!!!

Take care of yourself first. Love, Wannabe

Martha, I'm so proud of how you handled that! Good that you didn't tell Bill what you were thinking that moment before you found out the whole story. And wow, what a turn of events that Elsie would agree with you! I nearly fell off my chair when I read that!

I believe God has a reason for everything. It's no coincidence. We don't always understand or agree with the way things happen. But there's always something positive that comes out of every bad thing.

If you decide to go to NY, make time to do what you want to do.

We're here for ya! Vent, cry, rant and rave all you need.

Love, Barb

Thanks, Friends.

I do feel much better now.

Mom was stubborn all her life and always flatly refused to allow any of her assetts to be put in anyone else's name, although Bill has been working on her for 15 years to do so. A house that the person actually lives in doesn't seem to count, but Mom lived in apartments all her life.

NH cost really does depend a lot on what state you are in, and when and if the time comes, I will certainly look into moving her to a NH here in Indiana. If it is half the price, her money lasts twice as long.

I just don't know if there are restrictions on a person who moved here just for that reason ..but how could there be, almost all elderly people eventually seem to move to the area where grown kids live ..(I did!)

If her assetts could last 2 years instead of 1, that already saves the day as no one expects her to make it to 99...

If she never gets back on her feet that will also shorten her life, because her circulation in her legs was already bad. Swimming helped, walking helped. Now ...???

Thanks for all your ideas and help. Elsie emailed us tonight (Bill and I each got a CC) about a neighbor of hers who fell at age 89. He was unable to get up for weeks and weeks, but now 1 year later is going for walks every day without a cane!

Mom does have a chance to recover, we just have to be patient.

I appreciate your caring so much.

Love,

Martha

Martha .....

What stresses *Understatement* you've been under. Here I am, on the cousins computer, jaw dropped shock, Alan walks in and I started ranting and raving about Bill just like I do with his brother .. LOL

Then I read on ... *phew* ...

Poor Bill .. we did think he was biting off more than he could chew, and at least he can say HE TRIED, instead of HE FAILED ... you and he have done WAYYY more than Elsie, but even she's come out with some surprises.

Hang in there my friend .. hang in there.

Big squeezy hugs
Sally

Hi Martha,

I didn't read back, but did you say your mother can stay in the rehab. hospital until she's stronger, even though not taking PT for a few days? If so, ask Bill to inquire about her getting PT in a seated position or just passive range of motion on her healthy extremities. It's important she not lose muscle mass and function due to inactivity.

Do I remember your saying long ago that she led exercises at the senior center from a seated position? If those memories are still there, maybe the PT staff can encourage her to show them what she did.

Hope the news today was better.

Hugs - Barbara :wave:

Hi Barbara, Hi Friends!

Mom can stay there until Dec 20, as long as she participates in some kind of rehab.

Today she was more cooperatrive with the "occupational" therapy which is really learning household tasks : washing herself, using the bathroom, etc. The PT is the one that hurts her so much.

Today Mom came back from an unsuccessful ( the therapist said) PT session totally exhausted and asked for a bed nap.

I think the PT might be expecting too much from her.

Yet, she is up (in the wheelchair) all day unless she specifically asks for a nap like today, eats at the table with other resicdents, uses the bathroom etc. No lying around in bed at all.

It isn't even 2 weeks since she broke the bone. Maybe next week's therapy sessions will go better. She wil continue getting therapy as long as she is there.

I spoke a few NHs in Indiana. Mom can come here after certain paperwork has been done by her current NH or Rehab. She counts as an Indiana resident after that, and would be put on a waiting list for Medicaid (which is STATE operated, not federal) while she 'spends her assetts down.'

At a monthly cost of half of New York States prices, her ability to pay for her own care will last twice as long, and then if need be, medicare will follow. Bill seems happier today. He was relieved after hearing the prices here.

All the NHs in this county rate on an Internet rating site 'average', 3 stars out of 5. None are excellent or good, none are poor or below average. Most have 20% to 5%empty beds. No waiting list. I know from Bill's MIL that there were waiting lists in FL.

Bill also mentioned today that when Mom is sitting and talking, she still says things like 'I will get through this' and 'I will do whatever they tell me.' But she forgets what they told her, and when actually in PT, she freezes, and does nothing. The PT is impatient ..a bad quality ..I hope she gets a different one next week! A little understanding would go a long way, not just 'you have to do this, why aren't you trying?"

Yes Mom remembers herself as exercise leader, and still does hand, shoulder and neck exercises, but nothing with the legs .. too painful, and she believes the doctor said 'do not move the sore leg.' Bill says the feet are looking better, pink now rather than dark blue, and less swollen. The staff doctor checks her heart and the healing of her hip operation daily, and adjusts her meds. This is a caring place ... I think the PT has never had a 97 yr old before. My son writes that 99% of people her age have already died, so what's so bad about a wheelchair?

OH by the way, David had a very successful job interview roday and is almost certain he got the job! It is in Bonn, a train ride from where he lives in Cologne. He will start either October 15 or November 1. That is great news, finally, after 6 months of unemployment!

Anyway we are all less upset than yesterday.You get used to an idea. I was never convinced that Mom would not need a NH. I've thought she should be in one for over a year! So it's no big shock to me.

E is off on a trip and we haven't heard from her.

She doesn't know of yesterdays hassles or today's search for solutions. She would be 100% against a NH - short of taking Mom to her house.

Love,

Martha

I'm glad to hear you're more calm today. And I'm glad you've found some NH's that cost less than in NY.

And the way a PT treats a patient can make all the difference in the world. Maybe Bill can request another PT? There must be someone there who's dealt with geriatric patients.

I'm really very tired tonight so this is short. I'll be going to bed as soon as hubby finishes cleaning the furnace. It got into the 40's here last night and we forgot to close the bathroom and kitchen windows <<<<<<SHIVERRRRRRRS!!!!!!!!!!>>>>>

Needless to say it was a RUDE awakening for us all! :eek:

Love, Barb

Hi Barb - we have the same weather, and tonight it may even freeze!!!

Hi Barbara,

I am happy for you and your brother, that things are going a little more smoothly. I do bet that your sister would not take your mom into her home permanently - from what you have said in the past!

You brother needs to ask for a different Physical Therapist! The one that tries to help you mom now, does not seem to be in much of a "helping mood"!!!

Good luck in your NH search. Check them out really good and ask lots of questions!

Take care of you. Love, Wannabe

We all know as caregivers that we need to have patience with our charges. Sometimes young people (even in the medical profession) forget that. They're in a hurry to get to their next patient. I think it's difficult to find someone with the loving care, understanding and patience needed to deal with an AD patient with other physical impairments-especiall when it involves pain. But they are out there. Mom needs someone with those qualities to help her go on.

Being proactive is the best thing you can do and you are doing that. Looking into nursing homes in your area just in case is great. You're doing all that you can do on your end. Be proud of yourself, my dear friend!

Love, Barb

I love this support group - because that's what I get from you dear friends, support. You hold me up!

Love,

Martha