Hi! I haven't been on this board in a few years. :wave:
I found this site very helpful when I got out of my abusive marriage.. it has been 3 years hurray for me!

So I have reconnected with an old friend he is a great guy. We are taking it very slow. He had an awful marriage ( now over) and I the same. We have talked a lot. He did just inform me that his father abused his mother.

Ok that sent my head spinning into research... is it possible for a child to grow up in an abusive household and a) not be an abuser or b) not be an abusee? His father left when he was 7 he did witness events between his mother and father.. he was not very discriptive and I think I was a bit frozen.

I have immediately put the brakes on. My X grew up in an abusive household and low and behold so did I... he was the abuser and I was the abusee.. Umm yeah not good we both felt the abuse was normal.

any suggestions besides run away??
Oh right he has not been to therapy. I can see signs of the trauma from his childhood but they are more on the lines of low self esteem...

Hi Missm68,

It is very possible for someone who has grown up in an abusive household to not be an abuser or an abusee. But, every time that we hear that someone has witnessed their father abuse their mother, or vice versa...or has been physically abused...etc...we always think "oh my god! they are going to do that to me!" or "I am not ever going to be in a relationship that isn't abusive".
Those thoughts are not always true.
I understand why you put the brakes on with Mr.X...but you should probably talk to him about this as well (not sure if you have already). Does he know that you were in an abusive relationship? If he does, then that is good. But if he doesn't know, then I suggest that you talk to him about it. You don't have to tell him everything...just some of the details, so that he understands where you are coming from.
I also suggest that you speak to a counselor who's specialty is helping women who have been in abusive relationships overcome the fear of going out with someone else and to recognize the signs of an abuser.
I work in a shelter for abused women and children, and I have seen bad cases where the children act out just like their fathers did, and then I see others who are nothing like their fathers. It all depends on the individual, and how they are able to cope with stresses, and things that have happened in the past.
The best thing to do is communicate. Anything that you feel uncomfortable with, talk about it. If you keep running away, you may never stop running. And also, it is not always someone who has been abused or has seen abuse as a child that can become an abuser...some who have grown up in great households can do that as well.

Hope that you figure out what you are going to do soon...because thinking about it for too long can make someone go batty!! :)

Take care,
:bouncing:

Thanks so much for your response. It is very helpful!

Yes I did tell him that my husband was abusive. He was the one who asked if it was physical abuse. All he said was I hope you called the police. We didn't talk much more about it, basically cause I didn't want to.

I think you are right. Talking about it would be a good thing. I was amazed at myself for not being able to share the events of my marriage... he shared a lot about his. I did however notice he was factual and I was emotional.

Anyway THANKS! again... it is so nice to always be able to come here again :D