Well it has come to the dreaded solution. Bill was at the rehab again today. Mom was in such pain during the therapy that she threw up all over herself. She gave up. Bill said there is not much of Mom left.

Last week under the morphine she was strong willed and determined to 'get through this.' Now after 3 attempts she gave up. She would rather spend her life in a wheelchair than have to go through this pain. I can't stop crying writing this.

Bill gave me the assignment of investigateng nursing homes here in IN where they should be cheaper, Elsie is supposed to look around in Ohio. I enlisted the help of Jenny's MIL who used to be a Public Health Nurse here in Elkhart County.

She knows which places are good, and also has names and phone numbers.

We will get Mom a place, move her here, and I will visit her whenever I can and try to cheer her up ... it is not going to be long now .., I have a feeling that once a person gives up, the end is near.

Jenny missed her connecting flight in London and got to Germany hours late ...she fell asleep at heathrow and missed the call. It was 4 AM our time. She called from her dad's house just as I was out grocery shopping, but left a message.

Love to all,

Martha

Hi Martha,

I am sorry about your mom. I do not understand why they do not give pain meds when someone is doing physical therapy. I think that I would give up too!

I know that you are very worried about your mom. But try to remember that she has had a long life and is now in pain and not enjoying her life. I hope that yall find the perfect NH and if not in your state, then you can go and visit her in Ohio? - if your sister does look. Try not to worry. I know, better said than done!!!

Come and talk as often as you need to vent and cry!!!!!!!!!! Love, Wannabe

Thanks Wannbe..they did give her a pill before therapy. It is called Percodan and may be the reason for her nausea. But it doesn't kill this kind of pain. I wish they would let her rest for a week and then start again. That would possibly help her.

I am determined to find a nice place near me. if she goes to Ohio that's not too far either, I'll visit her there.

We''ll do whatever we have to do. Bill is right that a less costly NH wolud make her money last longer.

It sounds like you and your family have been a real roller coaster of ups and downs. It's heartbreaking that she would be in so much pain without any relief. While understanding that pain is associated with rehab, it does seem that there should be better ways to handle her physical therapy with meds if she wants to become mobile again. For cryin out loud, are they afraid that she'd get addicted to the pain meds that could help her at this point??? GRRRRR.

Based on my family experiences, there does come a time when people seem to sense that the struggle is coming to an end. If your Mom needs lots of pain meds, lovely music, perfumed lotion, flowers, a fluffy blanket, happy stories & beautiful surroundings for awhile instead of pushing & pulling & more pain, it seems that this isn't too much to ask at the end of such a long life!!! From your postings it's clear that she has been a wonderfuly lady & a great Mom. Your family is lucky to have had her as its heart.

Oh Martha, I am so sorry. Maybe if they gave her at least a couple of days rest, she be willing to try again. Or maybe if she comes to Indiana or Ohio and gets to see you and Elsie more, that will raise her spirits.

I agree totally with Beginning. Your family is blessed to have your mom in the center. My mom was 67 when she died. But age doesn't matter. Your mom is your mom. It still hurts to see her give up.

Who knows what lies in store for her? One never knows with dementia. A few day's rest and she may forget that she was in pain or threw up. If they change her pain meds to something less harsh on the stomach, she may be willing to try.

We'll keep praying and giving you lots of cyber hugs.

Love, Barb

Bill and Anna think that as soon as Mom realizes that she will not walk again, she will lose motivation to live, and will die. He also says it is in God's hands now and we have to let her go.

Meanwhile E and her husband left on a trip to visit family near Wlliamsburg. For the first time they left phone numbers where they can be reached. They are worried too.

I was ready for Mom not to wake up from surgery - then came the high point of believing she had not only lived, but was going to get better - now comes the realization that she probably won't walk - but not sure if she will just waste away because of that. Barbara I am glad your Mm was a good example of someone who lived for 18 months quite happily in a wheelchair....

And all in all I am greatly blessed that Mom lived, so far, for nearly 97 years and was normal and healthy for most of it.

Look at all the AD people who get it in their 50's already.

Love,

Martha

Update: spent all morning calling NHs here in my area. Many don't take long term patients but only respite patients. Some don't accept dementia patients.

But the good news is, Mom's expenses here for a room with 1 roommate range from $4600 to $6000 ... considerably less than in New York ..so I think if she makes it to december and her coverage is all run out, she will come here. Before deciding, I'll visit all the homes personally, unexpectedly.

Love,
Martha

Hi Martha,

So, you must have found a few that will accept AD patients full time?! Yes, be sure to visit the NH without telling them you are coming! Why does she have to wait until December, is it because that is how long Medicare will allow her to stay where she is? Then what happens, as far as money? Will your state take her with Medicaid?

I hope your mom does get better. It would be ok if she is in a wheelchair. And I wish you luck on your NH search!!

Love, Wannabe

Yes, I only spoke to NHs that ,according to a list I found in a local newsaper, take AD patients.

Mom still has some coverage for the present rehab home, full coverage until Oct 13 and then a co pay of $117 a day until Dec 20.

ONLY if she is still unable to go back to Bill's house by then, would we transfer her to a NH near me, because they cost half of the NY price. I am going to visit the 5 on my list but not until my daughter is back and can go with me.

It is not a great rush, because we are doing this only 'just in case.'

She would have to pay the full price until she has spend her money down to the allowable limit.

Interestingly, you can own the house you lived in and still get medicaid. But Mom had money, not a house. That money has to be spent on her care, nothing else. You can't give it away to kids or grandkids, it's too late for that. She should have done that years ago - but as often as Bill suggested it, Mom reacted with anger. "Can't you wait until I am dead?" We always dropped it raher than annoy her ..and then after AD set in she was even less rational ... and now she will need Medicaid but is not poor enough. Her life savings (not even enough to buy a shabby house out here, or a coop apartment in NY) wil go to the nursing home. (She should have bought a house years ago .. I ought to buy a house now, thinking of my future .. if I owned a home, with my small SS income I could get on Medicaid!!! But I don't want the hassle of repairing everything, mowing lawns etc which is why I chose an apartment ...)

So that's where we stand right now.

Still, it's good to know there's a place here that only costs $4,612 a month, that's rock bottom.

Love,

Martha

...She would have to pay the full price until she has spend her money down to the allowable limit.

Interestingly, you can own the house you lived in and still get medicaid. But Mom had money, not a house. That money has to be spent on her care, nothing else. You can't give it away to kids or grandkids, it's too late for that. She should have done that years ago - but as often as Bill suggested it, Mom reacted with anger. "Can't you wait until I am dead?" We always dropped it raher than annoy her ..and then after AD set in she was even less rational ... and now she will need Medicaid but is not poor enough. Her life savings (not even enough to buy a shabby house out here, or a coop apartment in NY) wil go to the nursing home. (She should have bought a house years ago .. I ought to buy a house now, thinking of my future .. if I owned a home, with my small SS income I could get on Medicaid!!! But I don't want the hassle of repairing everything, mowing lawns etc which is why I chose an apartment ...)

So that's where we stand right now.

Still, it's good to know there's a place here that only costs $4,612 a month, that's rock bottom.


Martha, in planning for your future as you mention, is a condominium type place possible for you? Then you wouldn't have to take care of the property like a separate home since I believe the condo mgmt. does most of that, but you would still have the ownership which I assume (maybe I'm wrong) so you could still own it and get Medicaid. I know a lot of women especially like the condo or townhouse type option, I'm not sure of the difference, for the very reason that they can own with no or low maintenance.

Just a thought. Always wishing you and your family the best! :wave:

You are right Seekalot, and I will look into this possibility. The payments may even be lower than my present rent.

I have to rush off now; my son in law's car broke down and I have to go help him pick up the kids, get to his parent's house (they are on a camping trip) and borrow their 2nd car. His can't be fixed until Monday. I'm always happy when they need me .. it's probably that caregiver mentality; I'm happiest when I can help someone in need!

Love,

Martha

Hi there Martha,

I know, it does feel good to be needed! :> I especially love to help my daughters. Gives me a break from helping my parents. None of the elders protested very much about us telling them we were going to take them away at hurricane time! But, my mother and my FIL each wanted to drive their car themselves. Well, we did not take FILs car (big old gas guzzler!). And DH drove my mothers car and I drove ours. And come to find out - today - FIL had a wreck in a parking lot. Too bad it was not on a street and then he could have gotten a ticket. He is not supposed to be driving anyway (90 yrs.) because his heart dr. said not to. He passes out or faints too much!

My mom and dad are the same way that your mom is about giving money away ahead of time. They just will not do it! They do not understand the spend down thing and I think they imagine that they might keep living in their home. I do not know if my dad would last 5 years b4 entering a NH! I and my sister, might try to hint a few times - about giving more at Christmas. They usually give $, higher if you are older and lower if you are younger. We will just have to see, when the time comes in a few months.

I hope your mom is doing ok and not in as much pain.

Take care. Love, Wannabe

I guess it has something to do with growing up in poverty and real hunger. They 'save for a rainly day.' There isn't much you can do to change it, it is frozen in their minds ... also, the idea is, we worked hard for our money, why should we give it away? The only argument is to give it at least to your children, not strangers.

You did a great job evacuating your whole family from Rita and keeping them all safe and happy!

Love,

Martha