I need to vent!!

I'm so mad at my DH. I think he is soo lazy and I'm just furious with him. We've argued about this number of times but if he spends 1hr w/ our 2mo old son, he thinks he is helping me out lots.

He works so he thinks he can't do much. He has never got up w/ him at night, b/c I breast feed. He used to feed the baby before going to work but our son now refuses to take the bottle from him and after tryign for less than 5min my DH gets mad and brings him to me (claiming that he's been at it for 20 min). When I want to read a magazine or make a call, he'll hold him for 5-10 min and as soon as he starts to fuss he hands him over to me claiming he must be hungary so I should feed him. Last night I went to bed early after putting DS to sleep (DH was doing some work on the computer). DS woke up twice within half an hour and DH was furious as he walked to son's room. How hard is it to put a soother in child's mouth, and to rock him for 1 min.

When he complains about being tired b/c he woke up twice (for 2seconds) while I went to feed DS and then naps during the day I just want to punch him, b/c him waking up for 2sec to mine being up for 15-30min, especially when often I wake up 4 times b/c DS doesn't want to sleep after feeding, is just NOT the same.

He will help me a lot only when he sees me physically ill from lack of sleep and stress, otherwize I really feel like a single mom. I just don't know what to do...

I feel so bad for you! I swear it would be great if husband's had to spend a couple days doing all that we do (including all the laundry, and dishes, etc...not just the baby stuff). Maybe then they would realize what we go through. I swear they think we have it easy being home every day. I try to explain to my husband that, yes, he is working during the day, but I am working all day, all evening AND all night, without a break. If we are sick or tired, can't call in to work. He wants to come home and veg. I ask, when do I get to veg? Usually he is pretty good, but I really don't think he quite grasps what I accomplish in a day. He would be so overwhelmed with just taking care of the baby, never mind all the other house work. Also I get so frustrated with questions like, "Should I change him?". Well, does he need to be changed? After 2 months, he still has to ask how to mix formula (we only supplement, but still!). The other morning he got up for work. DS was fussing, but he just ignored him and went in the shower. I said, you know you could have changed him first. He can be so dense sometimes. Good thing we have a place to come and vent! Hope it gets better for you...give him a swift kick in the a@@!

Your DHs are only as helpless as you let them be. Of course there are the exceptions, men who are truly cruel, mean and don't want to help, but most really do.

Bite your tongue when Dad is doing things his way. The best thing that I ever did was to LEAVE the house and don't turn on your cell phone. He'll figure it out or he can call his Mom, Grandma, Aunt, friend whatever. Don't like to think about them asking someone other than you how to take care of your (meaning your and your hubby's baby, not just Mommy's) little darling? Then, more of the issues with lack of help are those your're bringing on yourself. I honestly see this rant all the time on this board, and don't get me wrong, I used to think my own hubby didn't do enough, until I realized, I was too controlling and thought I was the only one who could be Super Parent.

Step in to his shoes. If a crying baby seems to only be soothed by it's Mom, what would you do, heck, I'd give her that kid so fast, unless of course, she wasn't actually THERE to give the screamer to, then I'd probably figure out a Dad rock, jiggle, song, activity, etc. that made the baby happy.

Hubby's most definitely appreciate you, they married you didn't they? They are in AWE of all that we Moms can take on and get done, it intimidates most of them, and they don't know how to tell you. It's an enormous adjustment for them as it is for you. They now see their love goddess is a mother that can do no wrong and the baby loves Mommy more, they have sex way less, can't be spontaneous. The love goddess is tired and bitchy all the time and she seems to always be in control. There's a million more chores to do and NOW she wants help with all those chores too. He really can't win, if he helps more with the baby, he isn't doing it "right", if he helps more with chores, he isn't helping "enough" with the baby.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be the Daddy/Hubby. NO WAY!!!!

Well, I have had some of the same issues with my hubby, so I talked to him and said how about we each have set tasks and then help each other out when we need it. A lot of times he asks if I need help and I say no. Other times when I think he should ask he doesn't and I get mad. But the truth is I think that most of the time he does want to help. I do get mad though when he doesn't do "his" jobs, or does things I ask him not to. But I do some of the things I ask him not to and that is ok with me sibce I am so busy, but even still in a partnership that is not fair. I agree with Larsons that we tend to think hubby can't do it as well as us. I have always been the type of person to do things myself since I don't trust other people to do it "my way" or as good as me. My mother had some great wisdom and said he will not learn and help and feel equal and responsible unless I step down and let him do it sometimes. I have decided recently that I will let him clean the bathroom and not feel like I should be doing it myself. I still don't feel confident enough to leave him alone with baby, or to let him bathe her. He has a long way to go to prove to me she would be safe with him. I sometimes think she would but I am not gonna risk her getting hurt.

You do make a good point Larsons. Now that I think about it, my hubby probably asks before he does everything because he is afraid he will get in trouble for doing it wrong. I am very controlling with our DS, it has to be done my way or it bothers me. Hubby is just more lax (probably for the better) in what needs to get done.
Tonight he came home with a dozen roses for me!! Did I ever feel bad for thinking he doesn't appreciate what I do.
Oh oh, my DS just (literally right now) puked all over himself and DH. But instead of running in, I will let him deal with it himself, he can handle it!

When my kids were babies I had no idea how to take care of them. I was a kid myself so I didn't get up with them or change any poopy diapers. It probably contributed to my ex wife becoming my ex to some extent. We split up and then I had an 18 month old and a 3 year old to watch all by myself. I learned quick. Now that my sister has babies I spend a great deal of my time with them. Her husband doesn't like watching the babies either. He claims to be tired after work and all that like your husband. Funny thing is, he's a screen printer. He works in an office making sure the screens are straight so they can print T shirts. He doesn't even get dirty. I on the other hand own a landscaping business and I work HARD. I come home so tired my feet hurt all the way to my knees. I still have energy to give sis a break for an hour or two. I don't get it. When I was 19 I would panic when I was given my kid and left alone. I had no idea what to do. Here was a baby screaming at me, I had no inkling how to calm it. Bottle? Nope. Diaper? Nope. Then what?! I just couldn't take it. Now that I have some experience and have grown up I know just what to do. Maybe, just maybe your this is your first kid and he has no idea what to do and is scared? I know I was. A two month old baby is a frightening thing to a man who has no experience with them. Give him time. Tell him how you feel and be patient. Like a previous poster said, leave him alone with the kid for a short time to where he can't give it to anyone. After the panic and frustration, he should figure it out. Most guys want to be good dads, there's just no class or anything that can prepare you for it. We're used to girls playing with dolls and boys playing with cars. When the time comes for real life we just aren't as ready. Teach, be patient, and then let him trying without help. It's all you can do.

Well, DH came home tonight obviously feeling bad about his behaviour last night, b/c he was all over the baby, if DS made a sound, he was up soo fast you'd think his behind was on fire.

I think what most of you said is true, I have to stop getting upset b/c he doesn't offer to help or wants to quit too soon, and just make him do it. Starting next week I will go to the gym for an hour and just leave DS w/ him and yes leave the phone at home. I think I've been too controlling over DS's care wanting it done my way or no way. If DH gets mad b/c he has to interrupt his work to look after DS in the evening let him, as long as son is safe, DH shouldn't have it soo easy and have me bail him out when it gets tough.
I think my problem has been that I've been too sensitive, getting mad if DH didn't offer help when I need it, now I will just demand it, b/c after all I'm human and can only do so much. thanks for the support, I'll keep you updated.

peaking for the husbands- I am amazed at how my wife can handle our son all day long. She is off from work right now but I do as much as I can to ease her stress. Luckily I am a morning person and enjoy waking up at 4-5 am. However, she realizes that by 9pm I am useless. I do manage to do all of the house cleaning, most of the cooking, much of the laundry and still watch the baby before and after I work to allow her to sleep in and go to the gym.

We find it better to have set times when we are "on duty" It allows you to plan your day. Find a schedule that works for everybody and make him step up and deal with a fussy baby when it's his turn. I love the time I spend with my son - I do love it more when he is happy though. Good luck

I think that some men are just that way, so I'm not arguing that. But, I think that women also expect them to be as perceptive as we are and they're not. If I need help, I tell DH specifically what I need him to do. We bottle-feed formula, so DH is just as capable as I am of getting up in the middle of the night, etc. We trade nights of getting up. DH knows when it's his turn to get up with DD and if he doesn't hear her, I nudge him and tell him she's crying. If he does things differently than I would, as long as he's not jeopardizing her safety, I bite my tongue and let him do it his way so he feels confident that he CAN help me out with DD. Sometimes they want to help but just don't know how or what we need them to actually do. They need us to tell them specifically what we want them to do like a to-do list. "I need you to help more" is too vague for them. If they're only "helping" for an hour, and hour and one minute is technically more but still not enough. Every couple needs to work out a system that works for them and mom needs a break too for her own sanity.

Some of you ladies seem to have it down. I'm not going to bash my husband, okay maybe for a minute, because I am in the exact same position as Kiedy. I will first admit that I am a bit of a control freak, but I do need help, and I ask for it, but he acts like it's a favor to me. I seem to have to inadvertantly remind him that it is his son too. I am now a stay at home mom, and DH works all day. I am nursing, so I don't expect him to help with feedings, but when he comes home, is it too much to ask to watch DS so I can go to the bathroom? He will hold him, and then when I come back, he looks like he's being tortured, and asks me " can you take him?" I know that he loves him to death, but it's making me into a monster, dealing with the way he acts. I work on Saturdays only, so on friday nights, I ask him to get up at night with DS. Well, the last Friday night, he gets up out of bed, and says- "I'm going to sleep on the couch, I've gotta get some sleep. I was like are you frickin' kidding me?
I know what all of you are saying here, but I honestly think that some of us have our hands full with helpless husbands. I also have to add in- DH's father never did one thing for any of them, so I think that he thinks it's okayfor him to come home and sit on the couch all night watching tv. I have had sooooooo many fights and discussions about this-- I am just so tired!

[QUOTE=dizzygirl] ...but I do need help, and I ask for it, but he acts like it's a favor to me. I seem to have to inadvertantly remind him that it is his son too.

In our first argument he had the odasity to tell me that doing any work w/ the baby he is doing for me and not the baby, b/c the baby doesn't know any better. He can't wait until our son is older so he can go hiking w/ him or play hockey etc. That won't happen for another 3-4 yrs. It's nice to hear that some dad's are more caring and fatherly.

This post reminds me of many discussions I have had with my husband. He acted like going to school was more draining than staying home with the baby. I just had to remind him that his lecture notes are not screaming at him and needing to be soothed when he is in class. He can sit there and listen and jot down notes while I am doing everything for the baby. He was pretty good about helping out at first and now this year he has gotten VERY lazy. Almost like he decided he got tired of helping. He basically goes to school comes home and takes a nap or does whatever he wants to do and then stays up late studying ect.. Forget about him doing a single chore. On the weekends I get mad because he thinks that since he has been staying up late and getting little sleep during the week that he can just sleep in until 11:00 am on the weekends. I have told him to stop acting like this family is all about him and what is convenient for him. I hope it gets better.

I think it is very sad what some of the mom's in here are going through. I consider myself lucky to have such a great boyfriend. It helps that he already had 2 kids and an ex wife that is as useless as some of the dad's mentioned in here. My boyfriend and I have a schedule at night to ensure the maximum amount of sleep for both of us. It works out well considering we both work outside the home. I do work part time right now so I could get more of a transition after being off work for 2 months. Soon I will be going back to school at night and working fulltime. I do not worry at all about my DD getting cared for because I know he will be there. I believe it has been said before, but for some of these cases, it sounds like the dad's just don't know what to do. I wish you all the best.

We had a huge argument yesterday about it agian. He was shocked to hear that I thought that he wasn't helping, b/c according to him he was very involved, all this b/c in the last 2.5mo, he TWICE watched DS for couple of hours when I went out. What about the other 70 days?? I just can't believe it, do we live in the same house?? He was very hurt, and almost cried when I called him a terrible father. He just doesn't see my point of view. He says that if I find it too hard we can hire someone to help. He just doens't get it, I don't want to hire anyone, I want HIM to help.
But these arguments do help, b/c he does better afterwards, but it's such an ordeal.
I just know one thing, I'll think very long and hard b/f we have another child, if we ever do (when he mentions anything about it now, I just give him a deadly look).

Has anyone else found any tricks that work?? Please share.

Hey Kiedy! Sorry things are so difficult. Perhaps you could try jotting down a diary of your day (and night!) so that he understands how non-stop it is looking after a baby? I'm sure he'll see that you have no time for yourself and will hopefully compare that to the fact that he does have time to relax. Then he might understand that you need his help.

Also perhaps you could sit down together and write out a list of the really important jobs that have to get done (I don't know...cleaning the bathroom, laundry perhaps?) and what things aren't so important. Then work out a schedule so that you split these things between you. If you do it together then he is agreeing what is important rather than you having to nag him because it's important to you.

The diary is a good idea Spanish, I actually started something similar, a list. I wrote down a list of all the things that need to be done...it's 2 pages long and posted it on the fridge. Every day I put a check next to a task done. This way showing my DH all the things I do around the house. It actually makes me feel good, b/c sometimes I feel like nothing got done unless I look at the page and remember that in fact it's not true. Also having strategically placed it on the fridge, my DH will be reminded of all that I do around the house everytime he opens it. He's been much better last couple of days, I just hope it lasts.

Oh, I'm also thinking of a list for things to do for my DH, which I will also post on the fridge. Thanks Spanish.