I know I have posted in this forum once before, but I feel the need to vent once again...my grandma is sinking deeper and deeper into her dementia; She was taken to a neurologist about eight weeks ago and we were told that, within six months, she won't remember anything. She has her good days and she has her bad days...on good days, she likes to talk a lot about random things, but she makes sense when she talks, and she'll eat most or all of her meals and she'll walk with a little more enthusiasm using her walker. On bad days, she'll talk about how she needs to go to the bank, go shopping, etc., she won't try to move her feet to walk and she'll simply stand in the same spot for up to a half hour. When I used to help out watching over her, I couldn't budge her an inch, and talking to her and telling her to move her legs does nothing. She will even ask me how to walk. I usually need to let her do it herself, even if it takes her a while. It seems as if she has someone doting on her ever second, she won't try to do anything, but when she thinks she has no available help, she'll move. I watch her to be sure she doesn't fall.

But she is a handful...of her five children, her second youngest cared for her for nearly 3 years. When they returned to my grandma's house from my aunt's home across the country, my aunt left...I don't blame her. My grandma's other 4 children and 3 grandchildren (including me) helped out. But one of them, my older cousin, left for college. Also, after an argument a month ago, my mom declared that my other aunt threw her out of the house and my mom and I have not returned. Now, 3 siblings of my mom are taking turns while they work to care for my grandma. My one aunt has called once since that argument to say that she didn't throw my mom and I out, and she didn't...it's a very long story I won't detail. My mom likes to put words in people's mouths. But my family was in severe need of assistance with my grandma so they could get out and live at least once in a while, so they have the neighbor coming over to help. I pray my mom doesn't find out, because the neighbor is my ex-boyfriend's mother, who my mom despises.

Sorry for the rant; I'll get to my point. My grandma is failing fast; she gets up in the middle of the night saying 'good morning', she spits out her pills and hides them in her shirt and says she takes them. She will climb up the stairs by herself, not realizing how dangerous that can be. I don't even want to know what would happen if she went upstairs when the person watching over her was asleep. The last time I stayed the night there, I woke up the next morning to find my grandma asleep on the kitchen floor with a chair from the dining room (heavy chairs!) lying on its side on teh floor beside her; she had gotten up to go in the kitchen, couldn't find her walker, used the chair and fell. because she speaks so low, I didn't hear her talking, and she ended up laying there for a few hours until I woke up. I woke up a bit late because I was up late with my cousins. They sleep pretty soundly and heard nothing; I usually would wake up early to help my grandma to the bathroom, but that particular night, I slept like a log and heard nothing.

My family and I are well aware that my grandma needs to be in a nursing home...she needs 24-hour care. But my aunt who took care of my grandma for 3 years threatened to disown the entire family if we pit my grandma in a nursing home. Also, I don't think people who manage the money matters for my grandma want to sacrifice her check. I believe they're putting this burden upon themselves, and it's unnecessary. My mom doesn't speak to her siblings because of that one argument when everyone was just not having a good day. I can't visit my grandma or my aunts who are involved because my mom believes that, since they "threw" her out, they also threw me out.

I don't like being separated like this...I think of holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas when families are supposed to be together, and mine won't be because of these problems that everyone is dealing with. I know my grandma belongs in a nursing home because they can provide her better care - people in my family have very limited patience with my grandma at times, especially my mom...I know my grandma doesn't know that she pushes our buttons at times with her words and actions - her condition is not her fault. But I don't want us to be divided...

What do you all think? Does my grandma need nursing care?

......................

Dark Stranger

Oh GOSH..it sounds like the typical family ... just like mine.

Good luck! Of course she needs to be in a nursing home. My Mom was also kept 'at home,' first with me and then with my brother and SIL where she fell and broke her hip while wandering around at night ..now she is laid up in a rehab center after an operation and doing very badly. IF she had been placed in a NH a year ago (which I wanted, but no one else) who knows? Perhaps no fall, no fracture? her money would all be gone and she would be on medicaid. So what? Why didn't any of the others agree with me? but it's a bit late for all this... I pray your solution will be easier ..

Love,

Martha

Hi Dark Stranger,

I agree, that your grandma needs to be in a NH. Tell them that this is for her safety and their sanity!

Your extended family needs to get their ____ together!! You should try and help the family get back together. They need each other at this time. Your grandma needs all of her family at the end of her life. No argueing and no yelling or separations!!!

Try to talk with the most reasonable of the bunch and try to get them to help you work it out. Do not give up and go to see your Grandma by yourself, if you can.

Hope it gets easier for you. Come back and rant some more. It helps!!!

Take care of you too. Love, Wannabe

Kudos to you for being so concerned about your beloved grandmother. Yes, I do have to agree that grandma needs to be in a nursing home. My grandmother was put into one a couple of months ago. Until that time, her landlady used to keep an eye on her, but when she became too much of a handful, my father had to do what was best for her and he put her into a nursing home. It was a hard decision, but I assured him it was for the best ... and for her own and everyone else's safety.

Don't let others guilt you into NOT putting gradnma into an environment where she will have round-the-clock care. You have a good head on your shoulders and sense enough to know what is right for grandma.

Best of luck!

Hi, your Grandma needs to be in long term care. You need to tell your family to stop squabbling and do whats best for her, not them. They will have feeling of guilt, etc if she goes into care, but at least she will be in professional hands, and have 24 hour care, without anyone having to worry what she will do whist they are asleep, and this would be in her best interest for safety, taking medication etc. I work in a residential home for people with dementia, and come across these situations every day. Your Grandma can go out for days out, Christmas, etc.
Unfortunately, these situations do cause family friction, and I'm sure Grandma would be angry if she thought everyone was falling out while she endures this illness, even though she is obviously oblivious to it - but it really is for her well being that she moves to a home so she can be cared for by trained staff. Keep me updated x :)