I don't mean to be a pest and I know you all are probably getting tired of me, but i don't know where to turn.

Is it normal after 9 months to still be really upset and spending several days a week crying all day because you feel awful or am I just being a baby and feeling sorry for myself?

I started taking the klonepin that the neuro oto prescribed about mid-August. I think it helped some for I was upset and crying everyday now it seems to be like every other day or every two days and I can't seem to pull myself out of this rut. One minute I think I can beat this and the next I feel like this is my eternity.

I have absolutely no history of depression so I know it is from this illness and not something like a chemical imbalance or something. I do feel if it would go away, I'd be fine emotionally again. I'm not that dizzy but just constantly feel sick and stuffy in my head.

Anyway, I can't seem to go on much more with this crying and feeling so sad and my question is should I ask my neuro oto for a mild antidepressant? I want your opinions because the doctors don't really know what this is like. If I take something like this is there any one out there that made them feel worse taking an antidepressant and can anyone suggest something mild that they have tried and helped?

Thanks so much. Some of you have been better friends than just about all the ones I had here at home before this started. I appreciate your advice and value it more than any doctor has given me.

Gloria

Gloria,

You are not a pest at all. That's what we are all here for, support from others going through this awful ear thing. I just wanted to let you know it has almost been two years for me with this stuff and I still cry almost everyday because I hate every waking minute of it. The only time I feel good is when I'm sleeping.

I know several people have tried anti depessants and had good luck but it didn't help me at all. I think the only way I will ever be myself again is if this would just go away. Maybe you should ask your Dr. about it because everyone is different and it might help you.

Here's a big hug for you and please feel better soon!
Jill

hi gloria

Just wanted to let you know my 24 year old son's experience.He has always been a happy go lucky type of person never worried about anything never really ill. Although his doctor is still unsure as to what the problem is he has prescribed antidepressants for him which he has taken for about 5 weeks now. He has really notice a difference and has felt much better, he isn't anxious or panicky now like he was but still has the underlying lightheadedness.
I would have been unhappy about him taking antidepressants but 4 months ago I was prescribed the same tablets to help me through a berevement. I too was crying all the time and didn't want to take anything but in the end I felt so low decided to give them a try. I have found them to be really helpful and I am still me - not quite sure what I thought they would do to me.

I would say go and see your doctor because antidepressants have helped my son a lot. I am not sure if I can post the name of the medication on here. If anyone knows if I can post on here and I will reply.

I found antidepressants to be VERY helpful. I too was extremely depressed and anxious about being dizzy and not feeling well.

I think it's worth a shot.

Lynda

Hi Gloria

..."this illness and not something like a chemical imbalance or something."...

It can cause a "chemical imbalance" and for most it does---

--From the Northwestern Univ Web site(Dr/Prof Hain--see the info archive post (sticky) above Dr/Prof Hain entries):

..."There are at least four major neurotransmitters of the vestibular system involved in the "three neuron arc" between the vestibular hair cells and oculomotor nuclei that drives the vestibulocular reflex. There are also a host of other neurotransmitters which modulate function. Glutamate is the major excitatory neurotransmitter (Serafin et al, 1992), playing a role similar to other regions of the brain. Acetylcholine (ACH) is both a peripheral and central agonist both affecting muscarinic and nicotinic receptors. ACH is a neurotransmitter for both the vestibular efferent system and central pathways. While largely excitatory to firing of vestibular afferents, the vestibular efferents also have been reported to inhibit firing in animals. Centrally, receptors found in the pons and medulla, presumably those involved with dizziness, are almost exclusively of the M2 subtype (Barton et al, 1994). Gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) and glycine are inhibitory neurotransmitters found in connections between second order vestibular neurons and onto oculomotor neurons (Spencer et al, 1992). Stimulation of the two types of GABA receptors, GABA-A and GABA-B, have similar effects on vestibular pathways (Neerven et al, 1989), but specific GABA-B agonists, such as baclofen, decrease the duration of vestibular responses in animal models (Cohen et al, 1987).

The circuitry by which several other neurotransmitters affect vestibular responses is less well understood. Histamine is found diffusely in central vestibular structures and centrally acting antihistamines modulate symptoms of motion sickness (Takeda et al, 1989). Both the H1 and H2 subtypes of histamine receptors affect vestibular responses (Serafin et al, 1992). H3 histamine receptors have an unknown role but they may also be involved in vestibular responses. Norepinephrine is involved centrally in modulating the intensity of reactions to vestibular stimulation (Wood, 1979) and also affects adaptation. Dopamine affects vestibular compensation, and serotonin is involved with nausea.".....

Go for it!!

:cool:

Hi there, I have just read you rpost and my heart goes out to you, you know not so long I ago i was in your shoes and feeling that I would never just be my old self again and would also spend alot of time crying and dwelling on the weird sensations and trapped feeling that it created. I drove myself half nuts with the whole issue and felt that it would most deffinately never go away. I felt like I was on some wierd roller coaster ride up one minute - feeling positive and then bam down again - fearing that this was a life sentence. But then one day and it really was quite sudden, I thought hmmm - why should I be that unlucky tiny statistic who simply does not get better, what marks me out as that unique person? Well nothing as I figured. So I stopped crying and being so afraid and quite literally took my life back - believe me I was still dizzy, totally imbalanced etc at this time and just rejected all notion of not recovering and diligently became more and more active and it was hard (as I had been virtually bed bound for 9 months - had labs but been dizzy for 3 + years at that stage) and you know little by little that belief became a real reality and over the next few months as I did more and more I got better and better. It was not at all easy and I am not in any way dismissing your symptoms. Believe me I know that they are scary and horrible and I can so relate to what you wrote when you said that if you were not dizzy then you would not be upset/down etc and thats exactly how I felt too and it was so true. Because as I got better I no longer felt sad or fed up or trapped or like I missed the old me or anything. In fact I was way to busy and my mind was so occupied with other things that I learned at first to accept the symptoms whilst at the same time play them down. Its an odd thing buut this does really help, it stops you struggling with it all like its a battle, its not giving up but its saying hey today this is how it is but soon I will be fine. I am sure with time you too will get better. Chin Up and be kind to yourself and I am great believer that crying helps get the frustration out so don't beat yourself up about it just do it and keep on trucking. Ilia xx

You are not a pest! As was said before, that is what this board is for. When I found the board, I was so stressed and scared! I thought for sure I had a brain tumor or an anuerysm. I would cry alot thinking I was going to die. I felt so bad for my kids, thinking they would be without a mom. I was depressed and scared! The people here gave me lots of support and comfort and I felt so much better knowing that this was something that other people were going thru. Also, you really do have to get/stay active. That is part of the reason I felt like I was getting better. I have not worked out for almost 3 weeks cause of moving and now being sick with a cold. I really notice the difference in how I feel. If you are not active now, get started. Even if just by walking. My doctor told me that the people that are sitting around on the couch all day, are the ones who do not recover. It still sucks to know that it can creep back up on you whenever!! Try to cheer up. Are you better now than you were before? If so, that's good news! Hope you feel better soon! D2

Hey Gloria,
Don't ever think you're being a pest here - we all are here for the same reason! I know that I've been in the place where I felt hopeless and scared and sad. Like you, I had never experienced anything like this and also had never been depressed. Since my vestibular problem began in March, 2004, I have also been diagnosed and am being treated for depression and anxiety. Who wouldn't be - it's such a life-changing experience! But like these other wise people have said, asking for help is a step in the right direction. As well, moving is a must! I know how difficult it is - I walk with a cane/hiking stick and it still takes me almost 2 hours to walk 4 km! I used to do triathlons! It stinks, but baby step by baby step, I am determined to keep moving. I hope that we can encourage you and give you hope - you are not alone with this thing! And pay attention to Subs - his advice is all research-based - if he says "go for it" - I'd go for it! It may take awhile to find what works for you, but keep "feeling" and asking questions until you do. Actually, I think that crying is not a bad thing - the danger probably arrives when you don't "feel" and cry if you need to. Wishing you better days ahead and keep posting - the feedback I've received from this board is some of the best therapy - these people know how you feel...

Take care...
~Swirlygirl

GLoria,
Sorry you are still having a hard time. I am too......and also thought about an anti-depressent.............or something for anxiety. I know I worry myself into a frenzy when I go somewhere, cause i'm so scared i'm going to get dizzy, or pass out, or whatever..............I cry alot myself because of this. I haven't felt good in a year, and I am usually very active. I have had to quit work too, and believe me I need to work. My GP hasn't done much for me, or an ENT here where I live, but I am to see a new ENT Oct. 12th. Ive had this appointment for at least 5 months, so hopefully, i'll get some answers i've been looking for. I know allergies have alot to do with my inner ear trouble, but I just can't find anything to help 100%. Do you have allergies too?? Hope you feel better VERY SOON!

Thank all of you for your advice. I just can't seem to pull myself out of this slump probably because I've been walking around feeling awful for so long and don't really feel like doing anything fun since I feel strange and don't see right.

Subs - From what I comprehended from the research you provided it was very interesting and I believe that this illness may have off set a chemical imbalance in my head too. I know I've gotten better since the beginning of January, but I am so afraid of staying/feeling this way forever. I'd rather feel sick than feel like my mind has been taken away from me and that is what this illness has done to me. I'm a little torn as what to do because I'm afraid of the meds slowing the recovery process as well as making my immune systems more acceptible to viruses. On the other hand, I think having a poor depressed attitude hurts recovery too. Thanks for your advice.

I do stay active and walk 2 miles every day. I even have taken Subs advice on another post and try to walk with my eyes closed some on a paved path in the park so that I don't use my eyes as much. (Subs mentioned he use to walk on a dark road at night.) I do think my dizziness is going (almost gone) it is just all the other symptoms that drive me up the wall and depresses me. I also try and do things around the house to stay moving, but I just keep getting into these depressed crying slumps.

Great advice Ilia if only I can follow it. It is the extra push that I can't seem to get to make myself believe I can get better. It has been so long (I know not as long as you and some others here on the boards), but I just can't believe this happened to me and it has been very hard for me to accept. I guess if it was some other physical illness or pain I might handle it better, but a I feel as if my mind has been distorted.

Thanks so much for all your advice. I will bring it up with my neuro oto next month.

Gloria

Gloria
I haven't been on the boards for a few days and I think its already been said but just wanted to say that I really feel for you and as others have said don't worry about being a pest - you are not. I do get down still and have a good cry sometimes and if you need to let it out then you do and don't worry about it - if it makes you feel better. I feel down at the moment and its becasuse this illness has just affected my life so much. You are doing all the right things and it is so frustrating not to see recovery happening, but you are recovering - the dizzyness is not as bad as it was and the other stuff will gradually clear up too.

Hope you are feeling good today, take care and love to hear from you
Tesss

You are such a sweety Tesss. Everyone on this board is. I don't know if it is the illness that made us all so much understanding or what. I'd like to believe I was this way before this all started. I guess I do understand more what it is like to be ill or have a disability. You are so right about this illness affecting our lives so much. Mine is 100% different than before. For 9 months all I've thought about every waking minute is what happened to me, why, will I ever be the same. I don't think I will be the same even with recovery because I think this has affected me so much emotionally that I think it has changed me totally.

Anway, I am sending well wishes for your surgery you posted about on the other post. Do you get a lot of pain with it. I know of someone who had endometriosis and had a lot of pain she did feel so much better after her surgery. It must be hard to deal with that and your ear stuff. Maybe your monthly dizzy episodes will improve after the surgery. Take care and good luck with the surgery. I'm thinking of you.

Glad to hear also that your vision is improving. I think some of the squashed feeling went away but I still definitely don't see right. I'm not sure if it is blurry or fuzzy vision or what. Something causes my forehead and above the temple area to feel funny when my vision is really acting up. Crazy. I'm staying optimistic though with your improvements.

Hugs,
Gloria

Gloria:

I just read your posts as I am not on as much. I am doing well probably like 95%. As you know from reading my old posts its been a long journey. This would be month 21 and I would say the last 2 to 3 months started to hit 85% to 95% now.... However the I truly feel the anxiety definitely slowed my recovery down. I have been on a small amount of Zoloft since August, If I am still around 95% I am going to come off the Zoloft in Jan 06 . I just want to be well consistently. If you do not want to take medication try to do things that helps with anxiety. Meditation, running, deep breathing excercises, yoga..... Any of these natural things. Most important you need a VRT program as this has helped greatly. I do not see a physical therapist any longer but still do my ecercise 1 time a day every day instead of 3 times a day
I too never thought I would recover but I have and you will too. we all will its just a matter of how long. It is slow and tests our patience. We all will have setbacks as different things like the flu with trigger a brief relapse but you will be ok....


Good Luck and hang in their.

Dupe post of the one below, apologies.

Dear Gloria and Friends,

I can truly sympathize with how you are feeling. It does get better, even on the worst of days, once you find a way to emotionally cope with the physical sensations and reactionary anxiety.

It takes a strong person to continually “survive” each day when you’re dealing with a life-impacting condition. And don’t fool yourself, these types of symptoms ARE life-impacting and life-changing. Even the simplest tasks become tedious reminders that you are now “different” than you used to be – you start to plan and think about everything in terms of how your head is feeling. That can lead not only to higher stress, but anxiety issues like fear of leaving the house or staying by yourself. I was housebound for three months – couldn’t even take a shower without having someone very close by. This conditions not only changes how you feel emotionally, but changes in how you view yourself. All of a sudden, you begin to doubt yourself in every situation. I know, I know.

You mourn the person you “used to be” and live in happier memories because your future seems bleak. Every day is the same because no matter what is going on – you are still having and focused on your symptoms.

The thing about dealing with something like this is that you HAVE to deal with it. You can’t run from your symptoms, because they are with you wherever you go. For me, I have found that learning to cope better has made a world of difference in how I react and deal with what I need to. I realize that coping takes energy – something that you are already probably feel that you have used up just getting through the day with the mere basics. But if you put a little of that energy towards learning a better way to cope, it will give you the ability to have better, more tolerable days that leave you feeling better able to relax yourself from the inside-out. Good coping skills do make a difference.

My advice (from a veteran on this board, no stranger to head symptoms) is to get yourself some counseling to put different perspective on how to look at this challenging time, develop new reactions to handling this physical and emotional roller coaster ride, and learn better ways to top your anxiety so you are feeling less overwhelmed. It’s not to negate your symptoms, or squelch your anger - but rather to develop a more constructive way for you to personally deal not only with your symptoms, but the changes, grief, and frustration that you also deal with on a daily basis.

In the mean time, as difficult as it might be with your symptoms (writing was super-difficult for me the first year), try an attempt at journaling. Journaling is a great way to get out your immediate reactions, and it’s also a very good way to mark your emotional progress on the days when you feel better or on the days when you just can’t take one more moment of this crap. I carried my journal around with me for an entire year when I was feeling completely out of control – I voiced and vented every little thought constantly until I felt less of need to do that. It’s very soothing to bare your soul when you feel so tormented and lost.

After talking to a few counselors, I made the decision to not go on an anti-anxiety medication. I knew that if I didn’t figure out a way to deal with my feelings independent of medication, that I would be masking the anxiety reaction instead of resolving it. Again, this was my choice for myself. Everyone is different, and medications can be a very good thing for many people. I was having full-blown anxiety attacks all over the place because of the strange way my head symptoms made me feel, and the worries and fears that came with that; it took hard work for me to overcome them without medication intervention. But I needed to do that for me.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Remember, you are dealing with A LOT. You have reason and right to cry and feel anxious or depressed. You say you are not dealing with depression – but you probably are. It’s a natural reaction to your current situation.

Medication may be a good thing for you to trial. If not, please grab some therapy to help you deal better with what you have to. It’s so worth it.

xo

Wowwwweeee!
Great to hear from you, as always, with really sensible information and advice. I think we tend to brush over a bit the incredible drain these symptoms are and how hard they are to deal with. Hope you are well and your job is going well. I saw your previous post - hope the symptoms have subsided a bit and you are able to get back to where you were previously.
Take care and all the best
Tesss

Tess,

I am not on here as frequently, but I catch snippets of posts here and there. You're having surgery? I am out of the HB loop on so much. I do hope all is well your way.

Things at my job are going very well. This month makes my 6-month anniversary. Woo-hoo!

I am still having a very tough time with symptoms. I was on the Headache Diet, and that really seemed to help alot, but am just getting back on it (again and again). Not sure if the diet is 100% attributed to how I am feeling however. But lately I am UP and DOWN with this stuff. I seem to fair better on the worst days, when I am at work, because I know I have to perform. But last month I needed 1 day and a half off JUST because of my head.

Oh well.

But life is good otherwise. And You? Catch me up.

BIG HUG.

Hi Wowwwweeee
I am having minor surgery for endometriosis - they are going to laser it off and see if that gets rid of it for a while. Its keyhole and I will be off work max 2 weeks. So nothing too dramatic! I don't feel too bad but hopefully it will help with some of the pain that I get due to the endo.

In terms of the dizzyness, I am much better, energy is pretty much back to normal, and dizzyness is not too severe at all most of the time. In June I got new glasses and that caused a massive decompensation that lasted for absolutely ages - until about a month ago. I got really bad eye symptoms, squashed eyes, cross eyed feeling, very visual spinning, bad eye strain symptoms but I seem to be over that. I still have trouble driving, but am trying to go consistently and its slowly increasing. Not driving to work and I can't see me driving to work for a little while. I have an appt with a vrt lady tomorrow so I am very pleased about that.

I can't believe you have been at your job 6 months. Its gone very quickly. Sorry to hear about your symptoms, hope the headache diet isn't too difficult to do. I really hope it does help - I think you deserve a break from your symptoms now. When you were previously active on the boards I think you were contemplating trying some different medication for the MAV, I guess you decided not to try it?

Best wishes and good to hear from you, BIG HUG BACK.
Tesss

Wowwwweeeee,

You really put it into perspective of how my feelings are. I constantly think of the past and try to live in it. I hate my head. What seemed to be important before really isn't at all.

Hi Howie as always thanks for the advice and I am so glad it seems like you are beating this thing. Can you explain why you feel your at only 95% instead of 100%? Also, I know you were on both zoloft and klonepin together. Why did the doctor put you on both? I am taking a very small dose of klonepin and think it has helped some put emotionally I am drained.

I have been seeing a therapist since the first week in April and I do relaxation and breathing exercises on a regular basis but they don't seem to make much of a difference or at least I couldn't imagine being any worse than I am some days. Oh, I also do the vrt regularly. My dizziness has gotten better to almost gone, but my vision is terrible and the other head/ear symptom bug me to death. I guess that is why I was asking everyone what they thought about taking meds at this point if I am still breaking down so often. I guess it is a catch 22. The meds might help the anixety but slow recovery but on the other hand maybe it is the depression slowing me down.

Thanks for the information.
Gloria

Hi Gloria & all,

Gloria, I've been reading your posts over and over because I feel so helpless - thinking that there was something else that we're missing that can help you feel better. Wowwwweeee had some wonderful suggestions in her posts - especially about therapy - and I see that you are already doing that. And it sounds like you and Tesss had some similar symptoms, so she's living proof that you can feel better! My therapist told me that acceptance and adjustment, in time, is a big part of the picture in recovery, along with "baby steps" with that little extra nudge of energy if you can muster it... The brain fog is the pits because you feel like you're in someone else's body (or mind!), but I understand that it too improves with time...It's a long journey, but you have so many caring people here who have been through it and they (or I guess I can say "we") will do everything we can to see you through it. Hoping that you feel better soon...

~Swirlygirl

Gloria:

Most Pyschiatrist give you both ant-anxity (Klonopin) with an antidepressant (Zoloft). The reason is in the begining the Zoloft can increase you anxiety and give you some side affects. All normal. The Klonopin helps you ride the wave out. I tried all different ways to counter my anxiety and depression. Nothing worked except the medication so I am a little pro medication. If you can do this with out it try it as there are some side affects and withdrawl. If nothing else is working and you are totally frustrated it wont hurt. You will get better it just takes time and faith. The only thing you will realize as you will always have the injury and decompensation will occur. I am 100% at times but the reason I explain 95%. Different things like stress, colds, allergies, fatigue, sleep, stress all trigger these symptoms. If I did not have an injury to my vestibular system these things would not trigger symptoms. I am pretty much back to my normal life but at times I will get some blurred vision in bad lighting and some dizziness. Thats why I say 95%...However for the 1st 15 to 17 months I felt progress at a snails pace... It takes time.... I do believe this made me a better person. I know do not stress about little things and have much more sympathy towards others. I am also a lot more caring to others feelings....not as selfish

Good Luck,

Howie

Thanks Howie. Your information helped explain some things to me. I hope I can feel 100% soon even if it is only for a little while. I never feel well and that really stinks. Today is my husbands birthday and all I want is just to make it through dinner. I'm not afraid of the dizziness it is the vision. I just wish I could walk right into that restaurant and see like I use to.

Anyway thanks for the meds explanation. That makes more sense to me.

Take care,
Gloria

Hi Gloria
I have some news that I hope will make you feel a bit better. I went to see a balance therapist yesterday - very last minute cancellation so I was very pleased. Anyway, at the start she asked me to go through what symptoms I have - so I explained all the driving, eye symptoms - squashy eyes, cross eyed, pressure, cloudy head, all the off balance and dizzyness that I have had. Also brightness seems to be hard to tolerate, and shopping. She did prompt for some of this stuff and wasn't at all surprised with the eye stuff and the pressure crosseyed feeling. She said it is all to do with the balance, and that all these symptoms she also sees in other patients, although not all patients have all the symptoms. So she did confirm that all the symptoms are to do with the problems with balance, and are normal symptoms for a problem with balance, regardless of the initial cause.

So I have started a vrt routine with her and she is confident that it will help. I wanted to let you know as we have such similar symptoms that it seems likely that balance would be behind yours too. I know that we are confident that balance is the cause for you but I hope this just provides further support. I wanted to ask, when you try to stand on one leg with your eyes shut can you stand for long or do you fall all over the place? I used to do yoga and my balance was good but now it is awful.

I hope you and your husband have a good night, and I hope he has a lovely birthday.
Take care
Tesss

Hi Tesss,

That is interesting that she has heard of that cross-eyed feeling. I thought I was going nuts with that. It has gotten a little better, but I still don't see right and it bothers me to no end. Did she say it will pass?

I have no balance problems. I never really did with this and I can stand on one foot with my eyes closed for a long time. My dizziness was always a strange off feeling. I can't seem to figure any of this out and I have tried not to this week for the first time in 9 months. I've decided to take one day at a time and I am trying to listen to what willsmomm posted about giving into this illness and stop fighting it. I am trying to believe I will get well (next week may be another story). I felt not too bad all week but today I have a bad headache and my neck hurts. I bought roller blades yesterday and took a spin on them at the park while my son was in preschool so maybe that offset something. My ankles were so sore while I was doing it, but I am not going to give it up. I am going to do it everyday until I feel better. I am also going to fight this headache today and not let it bother me.

Let me know how your new balance therapy goes. Any tricks you learned for the eyes? Thanks for thinking of me and sharing the news. Does make me feel better that there are more people than just us two with these eye issues except I feel guilty for saying that because I wouldn't wish that on anyone else.

I had a great evening with my husband and it wasn't too bad at dinner. I guess after months of this, we all learn to think the worst before it happens. Vision was just a little off, but really no dizziness. It seems that that dizzy feeling I get is just about gone. I just have all the head and ear symptoms now. I'm praying really hard that they will disapate too. Treefarmer said that those symptoms were the last to go for her so I hope I am making improvement but don't want to get my hopes up to be shattered so I am trying to take one day at a time.

Hugs,
Gloria

Gloria:

great attitude and this will help you more than you think. I really feel that the anxiety although we can not controlthis and its hard not to be anxious hurts our recovery. When you get down read your post ..... Whenever I feel a bad day or so I look at my journals to see my progress... You may want to journal so you can see the progress you are making. Otherwise it is tough to see.... Rate your symptoms 1-10 every day

Howie

Thanks Howie.

I did journal March through August but found I was too negative about everything and when going back to read my pages I found myself crying more and thinking about all the time in my life I lost and the things I couldn't do anymore and felt it was hurting me. Maybe if I recover and I look back on the journal it will then help me to realize how lucky I am at that point in time.

I found it hard to rate my symptoms from 1 - 10 because I felt crappy everyday. I tried a system of high, medium and low intensity, but that confused me too. I could probably rate my mood a little easier than my symptoms.

I did make a list of the symptoms at the beginning of all this and I do cross off a symptoms that I find to be gone every couple months and the ones that have gotten better and that seems to help, but I'm still struggle with the belief that I will return to 100% and I am going to try not to let it get me down. I do think that the more I cry the worst it makes my vision because I think my eyes become more tired and sore and disrupts my vision more.

Anyway, I made it through this week with a positive attitude (headache and a little ear pain is bringing me down a little today, but I am going to fight it).

Thanks for the support Howie. It really seems the ones who have recovered really fought the depression and I believe that is what I need to do to get a little of my life back. Over the past couple months I noticed a great improvement in you mental attitude and maybe that contributes to you feeling almost 100%.

This is honestly my last post for today. I am going to take my son to the park and try and enjoy the last bit of sunshine for we have a cold front moving in tonight. The high for today is 78 and tomorrow is 60 and then it is going into the 50's. Yuck. Sorry NY always gets PA weather a day later so it will probably head your way unless your lucky and it goes south.

Gloria

Thanks Swirlygirl. I'm actually having a better week and despite really bad head symptoms this morning, I managed to break through it and feel much better this evening. I guess sometimes I just need reassurance and this is the place I get it the most. Everyone is so wonderful on this board and I appreciate all the advice and compassion. My therapist says the same thing, but it is hard just trying to get the brain to understand that.

Thanks for your kind words.
Gloria

Hi Gloria,
I'm really glad to hear that you are starting to feel stronger - I can feel it in your posts - you are so right about support making a big difference.

Tonight I am feeling the need to vent a little myself. I'm having a bit of a difficult time with work right now - I've just returned to teaching speech and language after having the summer off - and I'm finding that I am getting so stressed about things that would never have bothered me before. I think my confidence in my ability to process as I would like to (and as I think I did before this vestibular thing) has taken a huge nosedive, so I'm constantly second-guessing myself and blaming myself automatically when things go wrong. I have difficulty walking as well right now, and I have to use a cane, which has been questioned by a few people in a negative way - and instead of just saying "I'm using it because I need it right now" in a straightforward manner, I feel that I somehow have to justify it, which makes me feel very angry afterwards. Anyhow, basically, I seem to have all the answers hours later to questions, problems, etc. that I encounter during the day - and it just bugs me to no end that it takes me so long to figure things out or that I am defensive (for what I'm not sure?!!) about my medical situation right now.
So sorry to go on to you, but your kind words gave me the little extra push I was obviously needing to let off some steam! I too try to be positive, but there are times when it sure helps to just say what's on your mind, positive or otherwise, and not feel judged. And I am at least confident that this is the right place for that... thanks for listening...take care of yourself ...
~Swirlygirl

Hi Swirlygirl
Just thought I jump in here because what you have just said really brought back a flood of memories of when I first went back to work. My confidence seemed to have been hit hardest, I am sure my low self esteem was readable in my manner and energy because people seemed to be questioning my abilities. I was also justifying everything to everyone. When I look back at that time now, I realize how much this inner ear thing took a toll on me, and sometimes I think it was more psychological than physiological. Doing some CBT really helped me get my head on straight and I learned that I only have to justify my abilities or anything for that matter to anyone. As I began to feel less brainfog, and continued to work on "myself" I began to hold myself up a little higher and stopped trying so hard for everyone else.
Just remember that you are the same person you were before this thing hit you, you are just a little more vestibularily challenged right now! You don't need to explain it to anyone, stand tall (even with the cane!) and be strong. Celebrate every improvement and most of all, take care of you. I know exactly how you are feeling right now, those were pretty dark days, but there is light at the end of this tunnel, keep moving towards it!
FC

Hi Swirlygirl,

I must have somehow missed your last post; I'm glad firechick responded. I know exactly what you mean about loosing your self confidence. I never had an issue with this until lately. I don't feel well and it is very hard to think through all this. My vision doesn't seem right so I just don't seem right.

I had to go into my son's preschool for a fire safety training with the kids today and felt horrible trying to keep up with the conversations with the other mom's. One mom asked if my son can come over there house to play with her son. I wanted to die because all I keep thinking about is am I going to be too dizzy in front of this mom I really don't know.

I guess all we can do is believe in the words of others like Firechick and Treefarmer and willsmomm who all say we will get better. It is so hard to believe when we have suffered so long, but what choice do we have but to believe.

I hope you are feeling better today. I've had a few ruff days with my vision and the tinnitus. I really fear the tinnitus will never go and it just bothers me so much.

Take care,
Gloria

Gloria:

Have you ever gone to a Neuro-Opthamologist to check out your eyes? Also I think you are are improving and will continue to improve if you can get a handle on your anxiety. That is the hardest part and defintely slows revovery. I did not fell great yeaterday like down to 80%. I do not know the reason. I did not panic and just said to myself this is part of the condition. their will be ups and downs and I have recovered a lot since 21 months ago. I went to the gym after work while in the past I would go home and obsess or cry. By last night I felt better and today back up to like 90%. It is ok to be scaird and have fear. It is a normal emotion as is anger. When you obsess about the fear , this can be debilitating. Look at some of your old post even your most recent one fear is a large part of your daily life. I think once youi control this you will be on the way to where you want to be. You might not be 100% all the time but even non vestibular patients are 100% every day.

Good luck,

Howie

Hi Howie,

I go to the neuro oto on the 25th and he is suppose to give me a referral to see the opthamologist. My insurance requires a referral for opthamalogist because you have to have a medical condition or it falls under regular vision and my policy doesn't cover optomotrists. Anyway, I am anxiously awaiting my appointment. My vision seems to be really goofed up even though the dizziness seems to be almost gone.

You are definitely right about me and the anixety. I am so fearful my vision will never return to normal and I hate this tinnitus so much and am afraid because it has been so long and really think the tinnitus is going to stay with me. I've stopped going in circles trying to figure out what happened to me because I don't think I will ever know, but I beat myself up every day about this illness. It isn't even about what I've missed out on in the last 11 months, but rather if I will ever know the life I once had. I honestly think I'd give my whole life up for just one day back of what it was like before this.

I'm so sorry you had a set-back yesterday, but it sounds like you pretty much bounced out of it. Hopefully it will happen less and less for you. Do you really think it is possible to return to normal 100% and forget all about this nightmare that we have lived so long?

Thanks for the kind words. I'll let you know what the opthamologist says once I see him.

Take care,
Gloria

Thanks Firechick and Gloria for the words of encouragement - I'm still working through it all, especially my need to justify things to others. I know that I have slipped a little with the vertigo - I am having attacks more often and for longer periods - but at least I am able to separate the anxiety/panic aspects of it all from the vestibular symptoms. I think that going back to work has been a bit more of a drain than I expected, but I know that it will get better, so I'm just taking things one day at a time - and yes Firechick - I'll keep moving towards the light... thanks again ... hope you're doing okay too ...
~Swirlygirl