On May 14th of this year, our 17 year old son Zach died after having been sick for 5 years. Shortly after he was diagnosed I quit working, so we were together 24/7, he went from being somewhat independent to needing one of us (My husband and i have 3 other kids, 21, 20 and 16) to do everything for him. One of the big things that Zach and I did was to decorate for the holidays, especially Christmas, we put the christmas trees and all of the decorations up right after Halloween (which drove the rest of them crazy), but we loved it. Even when his health got worse and it was harder for him to get around he still helped me decorate, telling me if the tree looked okay or where the reindeer figure needed to be.. what I dont know is how I am going to make it through the holidays without him. He was the anchor of our family, we went to the extreme measures at the holidays for him and now the thought of christmas music makes me cry, thinking of christmas morning makes me want to cover my head and not get out of bed.. how do i go on? i feel like telling the rest of the family to go on without us, we get together with both sides of the extended families, my side of the family would be understanding as they were all very close to Zach and know how much christmas meant to the two of us, but my husbands side, well they are mostly self-centered and will expect us to act as if we are happy, even though our hearts are broken... also i know that we have the other 3 kids... i havent said anything to any of them about how i feel, but i am sure that they know it wont be easy... does anyone have any suggestions??? Staying in bed until after the 1st of the year wont work and soon i wont be able to go into any store without being bombarded with christmas ... HELP, I dont know how to handle this at all

Ann

Hi Ann. First off let me say I am so sorry for your loss, I know this doesn't make it any easier for people to say this and it will not bring your son back but I still feel the need to say it. Secondly no matter what anyone says or does it is not going to make it easier on you. I'm sure all of your children and your friends and family know that this is going to be a hard holiday season on you and they do not expect you to be "normal". I am lucky that I have never lost a child (I don't have children yet) but I did loose my favorite cousin (who was more like a brother) 5 years ago suddenly and I know that the pain was and is somethign that to this day that I am constantly trying to "get over"; I think it really took me a good 5 years to even start to become "normal" again and I know that even though I am not greiving as much anymore I will never be the same again.
As far as getting through the holidays maybe you can find some local support groups with others that are going through the same thing as you are. Maybe there is a church group that you could get more involved with. I know that when my cousin died his mother found a really nice card that she had made with his picture on it with a wonderful poem called "my first christmas in heaven" which she sent out that helped her somewhat in the closure part of his death. I know you know that your son would want you to try to be happy but I also know that if it were that easy you would already do it etc. I will keep you in my prayers and I really do hope you can find some happiness this holiday season with the wonderful children that you have left.

God Bless,
Amanda

I can't imagine losing my son or one of my daughters so it's easier for me to say then to live what I am going to say. By you not celebrating Christmas you are having your son pass away again. IF this is something he loved then keep it alive. Let him still live through Christmas. Why isn't it ok to decorate and cry? Listen to Christmas and cry. Who said it wasn't ok? This is your son and their brother too. Grieving is normal. No one can truely understand your pain unless they have gone through this. You don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to. Christmas can be just an intimate gathering this year. I think sitting down with your other children would be a good idea and let them become a part in your yearly planning. Maybe they might surprise you and ask to decorate right after Halloween in the name of Zach. Don't you think it would make him sad to know that you and his favorite holiday is depressing? You have plenty of time to think about it. You will get through it. We are always here to help with your hurt. I am sorry for your loss and I hope you feel Zach in your home this Christmas.

Dear Ann, i am so sorry for you and your families loss. too many times we feel we have to continue through time as though nothing has touched us. Well we cant. A few suggestions would be change a few things perhaps you and your husband can sit back and ask the kids to decorate that way you can relax cry and remember and just have time as a family. I am sure the kids would appreciate the honour of that activity. change the date that you celebrate xmas with your extended family and have xmas at home all day. hey it may be good. As for life in general every first is the hardest and those who dont appreciate that you dont need to be with. But before you start tossing people aside check with them first we always assume that certain people have no tolerance of our feelings and sometimes you can be very wrong and its our own preconcieved ideas that its there.
They may well be suffering to. Work you probably need it and that isnt going to be easy. i am a firm believer that although your son has left in body he will be with you in spirit and he will accept your tears and undying love for him.. May you be able to survive these xmas holidays and may the light eventually shine through.:angel:
karen

Hi,
I'm so sorry for your lose, I have a friend who recently lost her son who was 19 years old, she has gone threw some really hard months but she is taking baby steps in the right direction. She has been going to counseling and it has really helped her. I know Christmas is going to be hard for you but it's going to be hard also on you children, They need there Mom, they need your love, your strength and you love for the Holidays. I would do something special in honor of your son who has passed away, like making a donation of money to a charity or buy some Christmas ornaments that remind you of him and hang them on the tree. Right now your lost in your sorrow and that is your only focus, you need to pick yourself up and Christmas shop for your other Children focusing on other things is good for you, that is what they told my friend who lost her son, get out of the house and think of other things and focus on your family and friends, it will make you stronger and you become a little more grounded, you'll have one foot on the ground.
Karen W.

One more thing, When the Holidays do arrive and if you fell you just cannot get yourself to go and visit the relatives at there home, don't. If your husband and children want to to, that's okay, let them go without you. Your relatives will be very sympathetic towards your situation and will under stand why your not there. Like I said, just focus on you immediate family. I really think it would be good for your to go and find some Christmas presents for your children, even if you only get one present each time your out, remember, they are suffering too. Now My friend who recently lost her son, she enjoyed buying Christmas presents for her family, she said it made her fell good inside and she forgot what that felt like. My friend did go threw some really hard months after her son's death. She was having panic attacks allot and she was unable to sleep. Once she went to counseling, she did so much better, but she dose fell sad at the holidays, she expresses sadness and joy.
Karen :angel:

Consider yourself hugged by many & be nice to yourself. Do what you can &
forget what others think. Take a day at a time. The 1st holiday was
Thanksgiving for me to get through. I sent out an early Christmas letter that
took many days to move my hand. I explained that my heart had to reach
out & I'd be more at peace not doing the traditional gatherings. I hope that
you understand. I signed up for many organizations to dish up holiday meals
at the salvation army to keep busy. I felt a great sense of contributing. I did
not open cards recieved till months later. I donated time & $ in there name
to an animal organization. Helping less fortunate was my way to get out of
bed. I planted a tree in their name at a park. I had a special rose planted at
a local memorial garden. I asked people to understand now but keep memories
alive later when my heart could deal with life again. What ever feels right for
you & your immediate family is what's best. I spoke to a candle everyday for
a year. The warm light just made me feel like I didn't have to think alot.
Honor him in a small way that will make you smile even for a moment. You
need time.

Ann, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I don't know what it would feel like to lose a child, but I can imagine it would be the worst thing a person can go through. I do know that you have to grieve at your own pace. Everyone has their own way of grieving. I lost my husband September 2004, and I didn't even think of celebrating the holidays. I don't feel up to it even this year either.
My advice to you is, do whatever you and your family feel like doing. It is your grief, others can never really understand it. As far as your inlaws, how dare they expect you to act like you're happy? You're not. I hope you will do whatever YOU and your family feel like doing, even if it's staying home and not joining the families.
It WILL get better with time. God bless you through these trying times.

Linda

HI sorry to hear of your loss i lost my baby 20 years ago she only had 3/4 before she became an angel,she was my first baby i also find it hard at xmas i have another 3 children now and i have always made sure they have the best xmas and they also dont forget joanne my daughter as every xmas eve we traveled 40 miles to her grave untill the last 3 years we have been away as i lost my dad to a stroke,He had a stroke 10 years before that made him house bound and use to spend xmas with us i couldnt stand to be at home after we lost him so traveled away but always made sure i went to church on xmas eve to pray for my daughter.We went to austria at one time there was a little church we made a snowman it was for joanne right outside the church the whole family had fun making it.So i do hope you can get through this sending all my love from one angels mother to another

my husband and i lost our first child when she was 1&1/2 years old. we were very yound(21 & 23) and she was our only child. I have to say that that first year we were pretty much non participants. we didn't do christmas, or any other holiday whether anyone liked it or not. I needed and deserved that time at least to get my grieving done and my bearings back. Fortunately we were blessed with three more children and looking back it took us about 5 years to really feel like ourselves again but I allowed myself a year to grieve and i'm glad I did.
Most people cannot understand what it is like to lose a child but most can empathize. Those who can't are rare but deserve to be ignored for awhile.

Think of this for a moment..... would your son want you to go on, would he want you to decorate? Think of him as he is still with you because he is. Talk to him as you decorate, talk to him as you prepare for the holidays. Light candles for him, include him in your activities. He is out of his pain, he doesn't want you in pain. Someday we will all be together, he is with you now.
I wish you Peace in your heart, enjoy time with your other kids..... They need you like he needed you then. And let me add you need them as well...