long story short my father has alzheimer's.. it all started after a stroke he had about 2 yrs ago and it just keeps getting worse.. this summer has been the worst of it all... he keeps passing out when he is out in public and cracking his head open on the floor. he has been in the ER 4 times in the past 5 months because of this... He is very forgetful and refuses to take his meds.. he seems to think this will just pass on its own and he will not listen to me, my mother, or the DR. he is also gets very anxious and kind of paranoid over little things that never would have bothered him before... he wont stop driving (even though i think he should) and my mother is no help either because she wont lay down the law with him and force him to give up the keys to keep him safe and not to mention other drivers he may kill if he passes out while driving.. i am at the end of my rope with this.. i have no clue what to do to help.. i cant very well watch him 24/7 because i have my own life/family/problems to deal with.. maybe i am being selfish.. i dont know but i just dont know what to do...

Awwww. how sad for you, your Mom and your Dad. I know - been there, done that. My Dad had a stroke that only got worse with time. My FIL has mini-strokes and dementia. We made him give up driving when he got lost. We told him he would be sued if he had a wreck and killed someone. We just got his car and sold it. He didn't like it, but he came around finally. You've GOT to make him quit driving somehow. I know this is not easy but if he continues, he will kill someone. God bless you and you have my sympathy. Keep us posted. Cindy

Hi Punkdizzle,

I am sorry that your father keeps falling and hurting himself. Does the ER tell him or you what made him pass out? How old is he? And what level of alzheimers do you think he is - using the list on one of the "stickies" at the top of this board?!

When you describe your fathers attitude and stubbornness, it reminds me of a combination of my mom and dad. Try to get his dr. to write a letter to the Dept. of Motor Vehicles saying that your dad should not drive. Or take away his car keys, sometime when you can do it sneakily! My dad (has AD and Parkinsons) does not drive anymore and my FIL is not supposed to (he does not have AD, just Old - 90 yrs.). My FIL just had a wreck yesterday, but we have not heard it he will get his license taken away or not. Most of the time he just lucks out. It would be good if you could make it where he could not drive anymore!!

Is your mom capable of watching out and taking care of him? If not, it sounds like you need someone to come in for a few hours several times a week. That would help all three of yall!!! My mom will not do it yet! Like 8 am - 1 pm, that would let him have breakfast and lunch at home and someone to give him his am pills and possibly any mid-day ones, too! Hope that you find some way to help these "set in their ways" parents. Take care. Wannage

Dear Punkdizzle,

Do you have a diagnosis for his fainting spells? If they are being caused by mini strokes there are ways to prevent a HUGE deadly stroke which might carry him off. One is some kind of a shunt operation in the neck. Other methods are medicines, such as prescription blood thinners.

In every case a person who passes out now and then cannot be driving! Even if he seems OK now and then, would anyone want him to hit a bunch of kids getting off a school bus? Or a young mother driving with a baby in the car? He may not be mentally able to consider the consequences, as his reasoning powers deteriorate, but YOU and your Mom and siblings can prevent this tragedy before it happens just by getting access to cars/keys away from him.

"The car is broken and must be at the mechanic's until fixed" (dragged out for months) "the keys are lost, I'll get you new ones tomorrow" (dragged out for months.) etc...

There are ways, you have to become a good actress. Never say right out "YOU are too old, too incompetent, too sick or unreasonable to drive " since that brings out the defenses (especially in men) and it becomes a battle of wills.

Good luck .. get a proper diagnosis above all ..

Love,

Martha

thanks everyone.

from the list at the top of the forum level 4 sounds like him..
he has had a few scans done on his head ( sorry i dont know which ones because half the time i am left in the dark with little to no info from him or my mother and i have to pry it out of them.) and a test where they check brain waves. ( still waiting to hear the results from that one) they cant diagnosis a reason why he keeps fainting. my mother is very able to take care of him but i think she is in denial of just how serious the situation has become. unfortunately i dont have any siblings to help me with this and the rest of the family has passed away. the only option i really have left for family help is my wife. id love to swipe his keys and pull the power to the computer off his car so it wont start but i am sure there would be hell to pay for that and i would have to do it to every car they own because he would drive my mothers car if he couldnt drive his and then if there was a emergency they wouldnt have a way to get to the ER. it would be nice if i could have my mother just hide the keys so she knew where they were but he didnt. but again as she has told me "I wouldnt feel right doing something like that" this whole situation is so frustrating. kinda caught between a rock and a hard place.

Hi Punkdizzle,

The part where you say "My mother has told me - I wouldnt feel right doing that -, sounds a lot like my mom. Except my dad knows he should not drive and does not any more! This has just happened in the last 3 - 6 mo. My mom still wants to keep his car and he still has his car keys, tho. I think it makes him feel like he is still important - you know, good for his self esteem. Of course, as he progresses, he might loose more reasoning and try to drive again, then we would just move the car! I still think that you should, #1 take his keys (just sneak them out when he is not looking), #2 then remove his car (with some excuse like Martha said - she is a pro!), #3 if he starts driving your moms car and wrecks it, that should tell your mother something! He can always go to the ER by ambulance!!!

Do you live by your parents? I just sort of inserted myself into going to the dr. with my father and to all of his procedures too! It is the only way I could learn what was wrong and what to do for him. Plus I could interpret to my parents what the dr. really meant! It has helped all of us, when I go. Of course, if you have a job, that makes it much harder! I suggest, that if you cannot go to the dr., write him/her (all of his drs.) a letter (try to be 1 pg.) explaining who you are and your concerns. That helped me tremenously!! Now my fathers dr. call me & him. Sometimes, just me!

Sorry so long, sometimes I just get on a roll! :> Take care and keeping talking and we will try to keep sharing. I know it makes it especially hard, because you are the only one. But at least you have no siblings to argue with!

Wannabe

Oh, I feel for you.

The dreaded "car" was the absolute worst ordeal I went through with my MOM. And........that was months ago. She still tells me what a horrible person my brother is for taking her car away and threatens to buy another and write him out of her will.

Fortunately, those who would take her car shopping know the circumstances and change the subject. But it takes them a long time to forget about the "car!"

You know, you sound a lot like I did in the beginning. They are the parents.......the boss......what they say goes!

Well, when you deal with dementia, that changes. They can no longer be the boss or do things their way.

I can't tell you how hard it is to become the parent when we naturally have a certain amount of fear of our parents. But you have to do it. You become the parent, and they're the child.

I no longer ask my Mom if she wants to take her pills or a bath or go to the doctore. But have to tell her. In a kind, loving way. But you do finally have to take a stand and tell them what to do, no matter how difficult.

I was always a whimpy child and my Mom's word was law. So I've had a terrible time with "telling her what to do." Just have to do it though, because mentally.........they actually do become children.

Take care and best of luck with helping your parents. It's difficult.