Hi friends, isn't it somethng, that I'm coming to you before I even speak to anyone in my family (well, all 3 of my kids are in Germany right now and I can't reach my brother.) But I do think of you as my closest friends.

I can't get any info from the Rehab about Mom, except that she is 'in bed.' Usually they wheel her in her wheelchair to the phone at the nurse's station. She normally is taken to breakfast at 8, after being awakened, bathed and taken to the bathroom and dressed.

So I was a little surprised that she was still in bed at 8:30 and not back from breakfast.

Her PT is scheduled for 9:30 to 11. I called again after 11. "She is still in bed."

I said, "why? She would normally be back from therapy already ..is something wrong?"

"We are not allowed to give you that information."

I can't reach Bill, no one answers the phone. I can't reach Anna, she never answers Franks' phone while she is baby sitting there.

I can't get Bill's cell phone, it is turned off.

Now it is 1:15 in New York. If anything were wrong Bill would have found out and called me .. he has not been home since about 9 AM.

I am trying to calm myself and say all of this has a logical explanation, not that something has gone badly wrong.

In an hour I have to leave for 2 days and nights of baby sitting, but my brother can reach me there, and I can pick up my email there.

Just say a quick prayer for me .. I appreciate it ..

Love,

Martha

prayers are with you....just keep calling...tell them you want to speak to her or an adminstrator..................NOW

Hi, hello again.

Thanks! I spoke to Bill. There are two contradicting stories about this morning, hers, and theirs.

Mom's story: she was constipated and had to 'try' which took all morning, so she missed therapy.

Theirs: she had an enema yesterday and was NOT constipated today at all, but is fine; she didn't want to go to therapy.

What Bill observed: she was still in her nightgown, her lunch tray was there but cold. Bill micro waved it and helped her eat everything with good appetite. Mom said she is glad she missed therapy because of being on the toilet, because therapy is so painful.

While he was there the occupational therapist came to get her for that, but saw she was eating. She said she'd come back later. So I assume Mom had at least that therapy today.

If she keeps refusing the other, she will not learn to walk again, that's all .. but how does a person with dementia stage 5 or even 6 understand that? Mom has always made up fictional stoires with a small grain of truth in them to explain away all her abberrations in her behavior for many years .. this is just another one of them. Meanwhile the Administation said Mom is fine, the doctor was there and the operation is healing well, BP is fine, she gets all her pillls.. so we can stop worrying for another day.

Love,

Martha

Hi Martha,

Sorry you had so long to wonder and worry. This is the situation when it's difficult to be so far away. Bill has been so good up until today, but hope you explained that he's never to turn his phone off before talking to you OR he can intercede with the powers that be and give permission for the staff to talk to you (if he has POA, otherwise permission from your mother may be enough).

If the staff will tell your mother it's time for exercise class, she might be willing to go. Staying in bed isn't okay. She must deep breathe and cough to keep her lungs healthy and move to keep her other joints lubricated. I hope she can cooperate.

Hope you time with the little boys is joyous and all the news is good news!

Hugs - Barbara :D

Hi Martha,

I am so glad that you finally got a hold of Bill. You need to have him, put you on the list to be told anything and everything about your mom (that is if you want that). I hate it when financial people tell me that they cannot talk to me! Both of my dads drs. will talk to me anytime. But my mom does not want me to talk with her drs.!

Let's think about this. It is not really like your mom is giving up. She just does not want to go to physical therapy because it is so painful! If that means she stays in a wheelchair, that may be allright with her?! I know, tho, it would bother me too, if it were my mom or dad. My dad sits a lot and uses those powered carts in SAMS, Walmart and grocery stores. He does walk places that are not too far, tho. My parents house could not accommadate a wheelchair. So, they or he would have to move if he had to be in one!

Doesnt it make you wonder about the bath? Did she have one this am? And, it sounds like she still has an appetite. That is good! My father does not understand the whys and hows and what fors, very often. I think he sometimes even pretends he does! And my mom - who is only a 2 - 3 level AD, does not always understand why things are or need to be! We are trying to fix it with her dr., that one of us (my sister or me) goes with her to the dr., in order to know what is really going on with her!!!

At least now, you can have a rest and not worry so much! I bet you were going crazy, not being able to know what was going on with your mom!!

Take care. Love, Wannabe

Sorry I didn't post sooner. I just got home from work.

I'm glad you got a hold of Bill. Talk to him and ask him to put you on the list of "can tells". This way if you should not be able to talk with Bill, you can talk to a nurse and find out for yourself what's going on.

Take care and have fun with the grandkids!

Love, Barb

You know, I think she would rather be in the wheelchair and be left alone rather than struggling with the pain... she will be 97 in a couple of weeks, so how long is it going to be anyhow? is it worth weeks of pain to walk again, perhaps with a walker, and wind up in a nursing home anyhow? (Bill says his house is not OK for a walker either ..she would have to walk up and down stairs, plus be able to climb over the side of the tub to take a shower. Doesn't it sound like he is not really so keen on having her back?? Not that I blame him, I don't want her back either. But he can't have his cake and eat it too, the NH will take up all or most of her savigs ...that's OK with me. My co MIL is back and I hope they will come over tonight to see the boys and talk to me ..) She seems fine with being in this rehab, which is just like a NH .. I am continuing to plan for her to come out here and be in a nice NH with her wheelchair, and be content .. IF that's how it turns out. But Mom has surprised us all more than once, and maybe tomorrow she will be ready to do PT again.

Martha

I'm baaack .....

shaking and nervous .. but back. The week was wonderful.

Martha, I just want to bump in here and say the MINUTE I got home I rang the nursing home. I was told "She's been a delight, compliant and lovely, after her first 2 days which are always rocky.....oh and she's incontinent but here and there ...."

Which is a far cry from the story I got last Tuesday which is she's angry, and frustrated and major incontinence .. ok .. I agree .. a week makes a difference ...

BUT ......... this care worker said from 2 days AFTER her admission ... When I spoke to them 4 days after her admission, she was still a screaming banshee ...

So who do you believe??? **shrugging**

I guess because we can't PROVE who we are over a telephone, they give stock standard, calming (?) news ...

Must be a world wide phenomenon .. LOL

Hugs
Sally

Hi everyone,

Bill decided it isn't helpful to either him or Mom for him to be there during therapy sessions. He'll stop in in the late afternoons when it's all done (or not done.) There is just so much you can stand!

We are now agreed: if Mom cannot or will not do the therapy, she can relax and live in a wheelchair from now on, we'll get her into a local nursng home near me, and when her money is all gone, so be it.

It may just be too much to expect a 97 year od AD patient to cooperate ..

I am still counting my amazing blessings when I read of a young woman of 59 now having Alzheimer's .. her son is about the age of my youngest, and I am still considering myself young and fit and worried about my ancient Mom ...

Love,

Martha

Bill told me just now that Mom has given up. Again today she refused to get up. She hadn't eaten. When he fed her, she ate. (is her AD now at a stage where she can't remember how to feed herself??)

She said "I am ready to go now if God takes me." No fear shown.

The doctor said 'general malaise.' Nothng systemically wrong with her. Just no courage left.

I tried to contact my sister by sending email to the daughter in law she is visiting, her daughter and her other son .. I don't know if any of them will see their email. her husband left a cell phone number which is at home in my apartment (I am with the grandchildren.)

My daughter returns tomorrow night and I am thinking of Amtrack to NYC and the LIRR to Farmingdale, a 15 or 17 hour ride but half the price of a plane trip .

It may be the end of Mom. Maybe it would be all for the best. But maybe she will rally once again..

Love,

Martha

Oh Martha .. as much as this news was expected it's still a shock isn't it?

If Mum is ready to let go, she will. Then again, she's surprised everybody with her feisty attitude, and yes, she may yet rally.

But maybe she's just plain tuckered out ... sick of being told to do stuff that hurts, and, perhaps like the petulant child, says "My tummy hurts" to gain sympathy and get out of doing the work that's needed to get her back on her feet?

In my humble opinion, at 97 .. she can do what she wants .. she's earnt the right ... and yeah .. if I were you, I would jump on a train, seeing a new face might be exactly what she needs - and being able to say Goodbye would be good for you. If it isn't goodbye, then that can be changed to I love you.

Why doesn't she have a phone in her room btw?? Don't they have a cordless to take to her if that is the case? All our hospital wards and nursing home stations have a 'walk-a-bout' phone ... maybe she just needs to hear another voice not telling her what to do but telling her she's loved .....

Hang in there my friend .. our prayers are with you and yours.
Sally

I agree. It's up to God and her. I will go ..as soon as Jenny is back. There's a daily train leaving Elkhart at 9:35 PM. There are also flights, and in this kind of circumstance, who cares about the extra expense?

Love,

Martha

Do you have to book the train or can you just 'turn up' ???

And yeah .. hang the expense .. fair is fair.

It's the same as us moving (13 hours drive north) of here -- I'm allowing enough cash to sit in an account as an air fair to Sydney .. because my Mum will be 17 hours away from us in Queensland, an unachievable day's drive safely ... whereas it's only a 2 hour flight to Sydney and a 1 hour train trip back to her place.

Everything is achievable ....:-)

Hang in there
Hugs
Sally

Hi Martha,

I agree that a trip to NYC is in order. Knowing how amazing your mother is, another rally may still be left inside her, but knowing her age, maybe not. You'll feel better being there to see for yourself, to hug your Mom some more, and to sit and talk.

You'll feel all of us beside you on that train, so get a compartment, please!! You'll need room for Sally, Barb, Deb, Wannabe (out of TX at last!), me, and all the others who are on this most supportive of boards. Be safe!!!

Hope you get better news from Bill tonight or tomorrow.

Blessings and hugs - Barbara

You can just show up at the train station. You have to book a flight and the more time between booking and flying, the cheaper it will be. A week is the minimum to get a decent price, but you do save about 13 hours time.

At this point I don't care how I get there, I just want to go. I hope Bill and Anna will put me up for a few nights. I am good at sleeping virtually anywhere, a couch, a mat on the floor. But there is Mom's room, of course!

Whether it's to see her and comfort her once more, or just to be there when ceremonies and events are planned, I have to go. No more 'wait until we see.' We have seen enough.

Girls, and Men (! although few and far between !) I will always be a part of this Board even after Mom is gone ..maybe I can soak up info for MYSELF when my time comes ...some 30 years from now going by Mom ..

But long before then we will have a new vitamin - take one a day and keep your mind intact - I hope!

Love,

Martha

When are you going to NY? As soon as Jenny gets back? I hope she's having a wonderful time in Germany.

I can't believe the doctor said your mom has lost the courage. From all the stories you told us about the things your mom has done and continued to do well into her 90's, I'd say she's a shining example of courage. At 97, she's probably just too tired. Hip injuries are very painful and difficult to recover from in younger people. I never saw my husband cry until after he had his first hip replacement surgery. He has a very high tolerance for pain and it was excruciating for him.

Go to your mom. Tell her you love her and pamper her with lotion, do her hair or whatever makes her feel good. You'll feel better for having done that.

Hugs,

Barb

I'm definitely going. Jenny returns tomorrow evening, driving back from O'Hare in Chicago after the 2 flights.

Yes, she enjoyed seeing her brothers, niece, old friends, extended family and her dad. She is also carrying one full suitcase of things belonging to me which I left there in 2000. I told her not to bother, but she said she wanted to salvage hand knit sweaters I had made for my kids, to use them later for her kids (still too big, I really got into knitting when my youngest was about 10) and a winter coat, and a couple of dresses.

Her flight leaves Dusseldorf at 7 AM there, which is 12 Midnight our time here... and she wil arrive here at her house at about 6 PM tomorrow... a long long day.

Then I can feel free to investigate both flights and trains. I do feel a need to see Mom again whether or not she will recover.

Bill reached my BIL's cell phone and left a message about 2 PM and has not yet received an answer. I emailed their whole family and none have responded.

My sister may react by saying we are as usual exaggerating all the bad stuff and Mom is actually just fine. Or she may get on the phone and lambast the rehab clinic. Either indifference or rage, that's my prediction.

I'll pack as soon as I go home tomorrow. When my son in law comes home tonight at midnight, I'll be sleeping, and I'll stay here in the morning until the older grandson has gone on the school bus, and play with the little one (no pre-k tomorrow) until his dad wakes up. Then I'll go home, pack, call airlines and trains etc.

I want to be back here by 6PM when Jenny expects to arrive; they are decorating the house and getting a welcome home cake and having a little party, although she will be too exhausted to really enjoy it.

My younger son is also over there and not returnng to Miami until Friday. The eldest son lives in Germany and seems finally to have found a job - at last- although not 100% certain. They are all sorry about Grandma but all agree that she has suffered enough, if she decides to stop fighting , it is her right.

On other occasions when I felt this 'down' Mom always rallied ... but this time maybe not. So, we have to live with it. I will then have no parents left and be "the old generation" (gasp!) How did that happen? I feel young, and, thank God, healthy .. ready to see how my retirement shapes up and if nothing too exciting happens, maybe even go back to teaching for the fun of it ...

Old? no way! I am only 66!

THAT is why I feel so blessed, compared to the people we hear about who get AD at an early age ... life is so unfair sometimes.

Love,

Martha

Hi Martha,

I am so sorry to hear that your mom has basically given up. Maybe if they just quit trying to give her therapy, she will eat and be happy in a wheel chair?! Do you think that she does not want to get out of bed - as an excuse not to go to therapy? So, if she was not feeling threatened by therapy, maybe she would get out of bed and stroll around in her wheelchair?! Just a thought.

You do need to go and see and talk to your mom. Hugs, and kisses and I love yous!!! I wish that I had gone to see my grandma before she died in a nursing home. I think that I thought that she was not dying yet?! My parents were not and are not always up on whether someone is dying or not, or what illness they have.

It sounds like you have a busy day today. Good Luck to you on your trip. Let us know when you are leaving and try to peek in when you are there.

Take care of you. Love, Wannabe

Hi Friends,

Jenny is on her way home, arriving in Chicago around noon and then driving 4 hrs home.

At that point I will be free top leave for NY wihtout messing up their baby sitting plans too much (Friday, when they both work, the other Grandma will have to take over.)

I have all the phone numbers of airlines lined up, plus Amtrack's number and web site, and am trying to get myself on some flight .. train is cheaper and you can just go to the station and buy and get on, any night at 9:30. OR, I could take a train to the middle of Chicago and get myself to Midway or O'Hare; I think flights from Chicago to NYC are a lot cheaper than anything out of South Bend.

My BIL finallly did call Bill backand said Elsie and her daughter had 'a long talk with Mom yesterday, and she was fine.' Now what in the heck is that: Mom was not out of bed all day, did not get dressed or eat without Bill's help, was NOT able to be taken to the phone when I called ...so how in the world did they call, reach her, and decide she is 'fine?

I don't get it.

Bill thinks perhaps she just happened to be in the wheelchair on the way to/from the restroom so they did take her to the nurse's station where the phone is.

But how can she make a 'fine' impression when she basically told Bill earlier that same day that she was ready to die, and didn't want to struggle any longer?

Bill says I can stay in Mom's room at his house, and reminded me that I left a bag of clothes there for a visit (only I have no clue if they are warm clothes or summer clothes or just whatever didn't fit in my travel bag the day I left...so I'll pack a small suitcase anyhow.)

I am convinced it's now time to leave here and get myself over there, fast. When my Dad passed away in 1977 I didn't make it. he was gone before I got to NY from Germany.

But I will wait until Bill has been to the Rehab and is back before I actually book anything.

If Mom is still lethargic and bedridden and unable to get up, I'm on my way.

Love,

Martha

Update: I just got a phonecall from Bill and Mom from the rehab lunch room. Mom was sitting up, eating, dressed, had been to rehab this morning. She doesn't know she took 2 days off ..she told me she does her exercises every day and is getting better. She has a 'positive spin' story on hand for people who call . That's how Elsie always gets these great impressions.

However, it IS good news that Mom allowed them to dress her today and went to the rehab and tried, a little.

She did tell me both legs feel like lead, she can't sleep, and now her back hurts too.

I was as encouraging as I could be: do what you can, try your best, but after you have done your best there is nothing else you can do. I don't want her to make superhuman efforts just for us! I THINK she knew who I am, but when I told her Jenny is on her way home from H's birthday party in Germany, she though WE were all going to a party and told me to say hello to everyone at the party and to have a good time..

Now I have my suitcase packed, train and airline schedules written down, I could fly into La Guardia as early as Saturday for a halfway decent price if I book it today, but maybe I ought to wait??? Or maybe not?

I will speak to Bill again later when Mom is not sitting right next to him ..

What a series of ups and downs ...

Love,

Martha

Hi Martha,

Well, once again, your mother is a wonder! Maybe she'd be discouraged if she was aware of her days in bed? Is it ever a mercy to have Alzheimer's??? :dizzy: Who knows?

I remember last year when you heard the positive stories your mother would tell Moo on the phone and be so flabbergasted that Moo believed them. I had to chuckle that you'll call Bill to have the real facts instead of believing your mother's version. Moo never did that!

I'm glad you'll be on your way to NYC soon. If nothing else, you can give Bill a few days of respite and see your mother, too. That will be good for everyone. Now get in touch with your son and granddaughter and get them there, too!

Glad Jenny will be home soon. Let us know she's arrived safely, please.

In all of these ups and downs, take care of you!

Hugs and blessings - Barbara :wave:

My trip is booked. Because I have a little time, I got the cheap airline prices. I'll leave on Oct 12 and return on Oct 19. Jenny is on the road between Chicago and here, after getting lost in Chicago and losing an hour by going in the wrong direction (Chicago is complicated!)

Now I hope Mom hangs on for this week I have decided to wait, or even better, starts to make some real progress ....

Love,

Martha

AMEN, sister! Glad your trip is booked.

I know how confusing Chicago used to be as I lived there for 7 years as a teen. Sorry Jenny got turned around. She will be tired when she gets home.

Fingers crossed and prayers continue ....

Hugs - Barbara :)

She's home now ... all is well.

WHEW!!! Glad to hear Jenny is safely home!

Cheers! Barbara :)

With presents????

Gotta love presents ...... Duty Free .. yes!!!

Hugs
Sal

I know how confusing Chicago is. I was born and raised there. I live only 20 miles from there now. Tell her next time, get on 294 south and don't get off for ANYTHING. Some of the exits don't have a way to get back on. That's probably how she got lost. And if that's the case, she probably went through some rough neighborhoods. I'm glad she made it home ok.

I'm off to the couch now as I'm sick again. Darn sinus infection that's moved down into my throat and chest. YUK!!!!

Have a safe trip if you decide to go soon. Pop in if you can and let us know how things are going, ok?

Love, Barb

Hi Martha,

You are one smart cookie! Talking to Bill to hear his side of how your mom is really doing - and what! Sometimes, I forget and believe my dad. Like: a week or two ago, he told me that "Schlitterbahn is closing" (in New Braunfels, TX). I believed him and asked my sister. She said no it is not!!! :> We think he got that water park mixed up with the amusement park and water park in Houston - called "Astroworld" - which is closing after October! Especially when he seems better, then I tend to believe him.

I am so so glad that you have plane reservations to go and see your mom! I do hope that you are able to have a good visit with her and them, when you get to go.

Take care of you and try not too worry!!! Love, Wannabe

Update:

Bill said they are switching Mom to pureed food since she can't hold her fork (I think her AD is now stage 6 and she can't remember how to get the food to her mouth.) Bill feeds her the lunch, Ingrid, his daughter in law, has been going to feed her the supper. Bill says she is going downhill rapidly.

I have my reservation: to NY on October 12, back on Oct 19.

My son and granddaughter decided not to come to NY. Perhaps they will come out here just after Christmas. That would be great!

Bill dissuaded him from coming, he says he can't use any company (I'm not company) and Mom won't know who they are anyway. Christmas is a much happier occasion to get together.

Jenny brought back videos from the trip and I got to see my granddaughter and many other people .. many of my Ex's relatives don't keep in touch with me, but Jenny said all the sister in laws and cousins told her to say a big hello to me and they wish me luck. His girfriend was there of course, all in black as if it were not a happy occasion (his 70th b'day) .. I would have dressed in RED!

Presents: Jenny filled up one whole suitcase with my clothes, pictures, costume jewelry, etc ..I am going through it now, also paperwork, stuff I had forgotten that I saved ...

I think she brought too much! But it was very nice of her and above all I can use the two long winter coats here when the winter sets in ..

Yes, she also brought some wonderful German chocolate!

love,

Martha

Martha,

You raised a lovely daughter! How thoughtful of her to bring you videos, useful things, precious things, and to think of you in the many other things she brought. Those coats will be great! Anything still there you'd like to have? Ask Klaus to lug those things!

Sorry your mother isn't bouncing back as we'd hoped she would. Hope, hope, hope she hangs on until you get there. My Dad was able to hang on for my arrival, though he died a few hours later, we did have precious time together.

Hope you're enjoying your walk down memory lane and the autumn weather. We actually have rain!!

Hugs - Barbara

Hi Barb,

Hope you feel better. Where did you live in Chicago? Seems I told someone here that I lived in Elmhurst from '62 to '69 (including the BIG SNOW of '67!). Was it you I told? As you might imagine, it's scary when I wonder if I've asked or said something before. I also wonder if my brain will come back when this house remodel is over, the boxes are unpacked, and all is settled. What is settled??? But I digress!

Take care of you! Hugs - Barbara :)

Yes, Barbara, it was me you told. ;)

I live in Romeoville (was Romeo many many years ago). It's just north of Joliet (you guessed it-Juliet). But when Juliet changed it's name to Joliet in honor of the explorer Lous Joliet, Romeo retaliated by becoming Romeoville. End of history lesson. ;)

I was born and lived my first few years on the north side, near Lake Michigan and Lincoln Park Zoo. I grew up on the west side, near Chicago Ave and Central Ave if you know where that is. It's close to Oak Park. Very rough neighborhood. Not good at all.

I know Elmhurst well. I used to deliver papers out there about 20 years ago. I delivered papers on the weekends and worked in an ice cream plant weekday. You know Dove Bars, Snickers ice cream bars and such? Yep. That was me. I made 'em! LOL!!!

I have to start dinner now. Actually, I'm making breakfast for dinner. Pancakes and sausage.

I'm STARVING so I'd better get to cooking!

Love, Barb

Latest development: Mom is now losing her powers of speech. She can't say more than 3 words at a time. It seems to get worse every day. Maybe I should have booked my flights sooner. But it really doesn't matter much at this point. The "real Mom" not "The Imposter" (see poem at top of page) left quite some time ago ..

Love,

Martha

Hi Martha,

Glad that you got a suitcase full of memories and the nice warm coats. It will start getting cold up there where yall live! We had a cold front and it is now 80s for high and 60s for low!!! :> With 5 million mosquitos!!! Still using the airconditioning.

Is there no way that you can change your flight? Your mom might still remember you and might like it if you were there?! I am sorry that she is going down hill so fast. I guess it happens that was a lot. My FIL is fixing to be 91 in January, and he is doing ok. Was mowing the grass today! At least, we hope, when he dies he will die in his yard, of heart failure. We do not know how he has lasted this long, with his broken down ole heart!!!!! He is a doll tho. A pleasure to be around. My husband and I go and see him and his 2nd wife tomorrow. We go 1 - 2 times a week.

Take care of you. Your mom is being taken care of as well as anyone can.

Love, Wannabe

Dear Wannabe, and all the other caregivers here -

I could change it for the usual fee. But these dates work out with my baby sitting duties and wih Jenny driving me to the airport. I hate to pay so much for parking ..and I prefer a ride than driving around unfamiliar areas.

Today Mom was weak but did some of the therapy. (Bill does not go there until after therapy, it was just too frustrating to see Mom so unhappy and frustrated and uncomprehending, so he takes the nurse's word for it.) Yes, she was taken to therapy today.

Mom is unable to explain anything now ..even to make up a story .. she says 3 words and is exhausted.

You will not believe this. My sister said 'We have to be POSITIVE now! We have to show Mom that we EXPECT her to get well! Then she will.'

I dont't see it that way at all. Would I want to stay imprisoned in a body with legs like lead, as Mom described them - both legs - to me on the phone? With a mind that ins confused and irrational? With no joy in eating? Doing painful exercises for no reason I could fathom?

Would I want my kids to urge me to try harder so they can have me around for a little longer? or would I feel relieved if they said," you know, it's OK to go, when you feel ready.??"

I suggested moving her to a hospice, but the care is good where she is now, and moving her is difficult.

I think she will just sleep one of these days and not wake up ..

And it will be OK.

Yet I am sad. A little weepy. Shorter tempered with the grandkids today when they both ran out barefoot on the cold cold grass - it was only 55 out and windy - around 15 C ... but made up for that with a video and a good snack ...

Love to all of you. Barb, glad dad didn't break any bones!

Love,

Martha

My grandma was 93 when she had an anurism in her abdomin (sorry-spelling is WAY off). The doctor said he could do surgery. My uncle wanted her to have it. My aunt said it was grandma's choice. She had a very sound mind. She knew what she wanted and what she didn't. She chose not to have the surgery. She could barely walk anymore her legs were so weak from an ailment she never went to the doctor for. Her hands shook so bad all the time that it was very difficult for her to hold anything. She was 93 and in bad physical condition. I think she knew she would never fully recover from any type of surgery. There wasn't much time to make any decisions. Grandma decided not to have the surgery. I think she made the right choice. She was tired of the pain. She was tired of not being her old self. She was tired of feeling that she was a burden. She wasn't a burden but that's how she felt.

I think there comes a time when we have to say, as in my grandma's case "She's had a great life. She made a difference in many lives. She was loving and gave all she had to anyone who needed it. Now it's our turn to give to her. We give to her our permission to go live a new life without pain and suffering. Above all our pain in her leaving us, she deserves that."

Martha, you are a loving and compassionate person. It's shows in what you wrote in your last post here and in your previous posts. Your mom needs that more now than ever whether in person or on the phone. Keep calling her even though she can't speak. Even if just to say "I love you, mom".

I've been at the deathbed of a couple of relatives, one who had alzheimers. It's amazing the clarity he had in his last moments. As sad as it was, I'll charish those few moments for the rest of my life.

Love, Barb

Dear Martha,

To paraphrase what Barb wrote, what you wrote, and in the words of Ecclesiastes 3, to everything there is a season.

When my Aunt Connie was struggling to breathe after her heart attack, injuries, and a week in the ICU, we did tell her it was okay to go. I've seldom cried so hard, but it was the right thing to do. She only breathed twice after that. She was 89. As we've written so many times and in so many ways, we do what we do because we love them and care. This is just the last way we can help.

I do so hope you can talk to your mother face to face again. Whatever happens, you've done well and you'll be there soon. Take heart, friend.

Hugs - Barbara

Today's report on Mom, from Bill:

Mom has a urinary infection, and is on anti-biotics. Still very weak; unable to raise a little plastic cup of water to her lips. We talked awhile, but even that was taxing on her. So I left after an hour or so.

I'm glad I'm going there in 4 days...

M

Hi Martha,

A UTI can really sap an elderly person's strength. It's good your mother is on antibiotics, perhaps even helping her to improve as the UTI is treated. Hope so.

I'm glad your trip is soon, too. Rest up between now and then. Wonder if you'll be asked if you'd like to bring anything back with you? If so, things can easily be mailed. It's something to consider ahead of time.

Sending hugs! Barbara :)

I don't even think Bill ever unpacked Mom's stuff from the cartons it was in when I left.

Things like that have time.

Wonder how Elsie will respond to this latest news. She and her husband were planning to go to NY around Oct 22. I feel they should make it sooner. On the other hand I don't particularly want to see her (how sad: I used to fly across the ocean just to see her) ..and hear how Mom never had dementia and how I was always too negative and too worried and stole Mom's independence by forcing her to have an Aide . I really can't deal with any of that right now. Maybe it won't happen that way at all.

I'll be minding the boys again this afternoon when Jenny plays in the adult soccer league. It is hard to believe she will be 35 on Monday!

Love,

Martha

Hi Martha,

I too think you are one of the most compassionate people ever! You have the right attitude towards your mother. I think that when someone is older and in pain and not having a good quality of life, that they should be told, it is ok to go when they feel like it. I also hope that your sister does not come and upset you with untrue sayings and totally off the wall thoughts!!! Your brother, will be so relieved to have you there. Just a few more days. At least you are keeping mostly busy right now!!!

And as Barb said, keep calling her. You brother can put the phone to her ear, if she is too weak to hold it and she can at least hear you talking. That will make her happy for a moment!

And also, following Barbs comment, do not let anyone do anything heroic to her (anything that would cause any pain at all!). That is just putting your loved one thru more pain and fatigue and stress!!! My FIL wanted my MIL to have a stomach feeding tube put in and she did so - for him. She was sorry she did so, later. She had terminal cancer when that was procedure was done to her. Anyway, stick by your guns and let her be in peace and to feel the best she can.

Sorry, if I get to long and involved. I just feel for you and your family. Try to keep busy til you go and try not to feel too bad. Just tell her that you love her and hold her hand!

Take care of you too! Love, Wannabe

With great big giant HUGS!!!

You are a dear, sweet caring friend, Wannabe!

Mom has a health directive asking never to be kept alive on machinery if she has no chance of returning to a normal life. That rules out a feeding tube, I think.
We all got one of those 4 years ago when a sister in law of Elsie's died of complications of breast cancer. She had left no insturctions behind, so was on breathing apparatus and feeding tubes for 8 weeks before finally dying. It was horrible for all concerned. She was only 51. After the usual operation, chemo and radiation, she had a good year or two and then got a cancerous tumor in her head. She became a grandma for the first time after death ...

We all went and got those Health Directives after that!

Love,

Martha

Martha, don't worry about how Elsie might act. She's obviously someone who can't handle anything to be out of the ordinary. She may be staying away from NY because she can't bear seeing your mom that way. I thought about that when she came to NY last time and didn't have time for you and your mom. In avoiding you and your mom and Bill, Elsie could continue thinking all was well. But if she admits accepting the fact that your mom is very ill to you or anyone else, it makes it real for her. Like I said before, deep down she knows but she's too afraid to admit that mom hasn't been well for several years now. She's afraid to see your mom the way she is now. And she's afraid of the feelings that come with that. Guilt being one.

I feel sad for her really. She's missed so much time with your mom because of her fears.

You've done well taking the high road in that situation. Continue on that road, no matter how Elsie acts. You and Bill are the ones who were there for your mom through thick and thin. Not Elsie. And she knows that.

Love, Barb

Amen!

I wonder if, as has been said here in the past, Moo isn't afraid she's getting AD or her chances of getting it will increase if Mom really has it. For whatever reason, she's in the greatest extreme of denial I've ever come across.

Martha, ask Bill if a copy of your mother's Advanced Directive is on her chart right now and a written order from her doctor to that effect. The rehab staff must resusitate her if there's not a written order "DNR" (do not resusitate) on her chart and a copy of the Advanced Directive helps, but isn't enough on its own. This is important enough to call Bill now and if needed, he call the doctor. I made sure a copy of Connie's Advanced Directive was on her chart in the hospital and did the same for my little mother. With this paperwork in place to protect your mother, she may still rally and make it to her 100th birthday!

Hugs, girlfriend! Hang in there.

Barbara :)

yes, it's there right on her chart ... Bill made sure of that.

I'm with the kids again - I think child minding keeps me sane ...

M