Hello all,
Okay, last year, I was 5'5 and 136 pounds. Then around christmas I went on an extreme workout/diet plan and got down to about 112 pounds in less than 4 months. I was OBSESSED with my workout and excercise routine, completely blocking out my friends and family, it was such a selfish thing to do. The more I lost the more cranky I became and I remember in April, when I was on spring break, My dad expressed concern that I was too thin, because my ribs would blatantly be showing through my swimsuit. Well, I literally bit his head off then and for the next month I was just so mean to him, because I was so cranky and tired. Well that was the month of April, and in early May, he died suddenly. He was only 47, and I was 17 ( I'm 18 now). Well after he died I swore I would not be so hard on myself and my workout routine, I even wanted to prove to everyone that I was fine and I gradually went back up to a healthy 128 pounds. Well I am 122 pounds now and I am starting to feel terribly sad and depressed about my dad. This is almost wanting to motivate me to get back into my extreme working out and very very strict and healthy eating, because I feel safe and in control when I am that way. I don't know what to do. I usually eat 2000 plus calories a day, but I lately find myself measuring and recording everything I am eating, like I did before when I was in the midst of everything. I find myself keeping journals and figuring out ways to eat less and less. Please help, I am scared...
-Mags

Hi,

Good for you for seeing the danger coming. Can you see a counselor for grief/guilt issues re your dad?
You remind me of myself; every time I've had a great loss (death of a parent, breakup of my family, loss of a long-term relationship/marriage) I've had a really hard time with my weight. I see it operating a couple of ways: I manage to avoid very painful feelings by focusing on my weight, or my lack of weight, or whatever, I turn inwards to protect myself from reality. In that way, ana is good anethesia, though as we know, it doesn't really work, just substitutes one misery for another.
And in a way, it's comforting for us to go back to the "safety" zone where we are all alone and insulated/isolated from the world.
I'm glad you're scared, that is healthy. I guess what's helped me is to feel the real pain., And that, I always can't do, either, without retreating into weight loss.

Thanks for your post. You made me think about my own patterns here.

Blessing,

Seaturtle