OK .. sorry it's taken me a while to get the update happening .. We've spent alot of time waiting for phone calls ...

I spoke to the Nursing home who said MIL had to come home today, there were no beds for her to stay (I KNEW they would say that didn't I?) and could we come around 11 to pick her up.

I rang ACAT after that, and after 1 hour of waiting, finally spoke to them. They said that yes, MIL has to come home, but for 2 weeks only. That they have arranged 3 months worth of respite starting the 20th October until January sometime, with looking towards permanent placement thereafter.

YES ........... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Except .......... MIL MUST NOT BE left alone, under any circumstances during these two weeks. :eek:

Err .. College starts next week .... and I GOTTA go !!!

Never mind they say, BIL can pull his weight too (Like that's gonna happen). :rolleyes:

So I said "What if she runs away on us? She's done it before" and I was told to try and make sure that DOESN'T happen. :nono:

Hmmmm :confused:

Okay .. so we've got her for 2 weeks, 24/7 between us. She's fully incontinent now as well, so we've got pad changes happening. I've already asked her to go to the toilet for me, and got a firm sharp NO, so I'm already not liking this part ... :nono:

AND:

When we took her and put her in the car, we took her to see FIL. She kissed him and patted him and then we brought her home.

While we were seeing FIL, I also broke the news that I came home to a letter yesterday .. offering me employment in Bundaberg Queensland (where we want to go) .. and that I would really like to take them up on the offer. He said "Go talk to your nice nursing home" .. I don't know what he thinks can be achieved by that .. because they will say "Lucky you .. GO!!!" LOL .. then I told him his wife was incontinent both ends and he ignored me!!!

So .. if I can't change her pads, she will have to SIT in it (cause if I can't, Alan won't be allowed to either, and there is NO WAY my son is doing it). If she runs away on me, or BIL doesn't pull his weight in caring, ACAT will take guardianship of her and place her OUTSIDE the area (until a bed turns up locally - but that could be months).

They have created a problem in their ignorance, I believe, and are firmly putting those blinkers on.

so .. we haven't REALLY achieved anything .. yet .. because ACAT need to talk to BIL and 'break the news to him' as well.

Ugh
Ugh
Ugh

Sally

Hi Sally,

Please try to hold on to your determination. Under no circumstance do you not go to college!!! That is your life line and your new career. And still stick with your leaving date!!

Is BIL in town? Why has ACAT not told him yet? You and your hubby, will have to have a face to face talk with BIL! Tell him what is up and what will happen when. Remind him that it is his turn now! Perhaps you can make him understand that MIL needs someone to come and watch after her for part of everyday! Just wishing!!!

Does you ACAT not offer any home care? It seems like some dept. in Australia should offer and send home care ASAP. Or else, they should be able to make BIL get and pay for some home care.

Scream and holler if you need to. Rant and rave too!!! Do not let anyone bully you into doing more than you can handle. Go to college, have time with family and friends, only help with MIL as little as possible. Come on Sally, you can stand up to "them"!!!!! You know you can! Get hubby to back you up every inch of the way.

I am crossing all my parts in "Good Luck" for you in the next few days!

Love, Wannabe

OK .. your not going to believe this .....

The nursing home just rang me and told me MIL can go back ......

TOMORROW !!!!!!!!!!!!

And she can stay there until JANUARY (when we are well gone ... )

So Alan has gone to FIL to tell him the 'good' news .. he's EMPOWERED (I hope) and DETERMINED because I DO have a job to go to !!!

Fingers crossed .. hold your breath ... this COULD BE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perpetual FREEDOM !!!!

**waiting with baited breath**

Sally

YAY !!!!!!!!!!

Alan went to his father and said "We've got 11 weeks to figure things out. The nursing home wants Mum back tomorrow. She needs 24/7 care and nobody can do that except professionals. My brother has refused to have her ... there is nothing else that can be done"

And FIL said:

"So Sally's taking the job eh?"

and Alan said "Yes Dad .. 11 weeks"

and FIL said:

"What's her hourly rate?"

HELLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ??????????????????????????

Anyway, Alan is under the impression that his father "grunted" consent (and we'll run with that)

I will ring the NH tomorrow morning, speak to my lovely lady "T", tell her we would be delighted to take up the opportunity for MIL .. Alan will take his mother to see his father, and then take her BACK to the nursing home.

In between all that ... I will repack her bags, and take them out there as well.

My friends .. according to time as we know it .. we are "this" close to ............

FREEDOM ......... !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What does BIL say?

We say Tough

What does FIL say?

How much can Sally earn

What do we say?

We say Tough !!

My friends .. I might be jumping the gun, the bed might be lost between now and then .. but right now, at this moment ..............

the time is RIGHT !!

And ya know what?

I feel awful.

I just wanna have a good cry (again).

I feel like I've let them down.
I feel like I've betrayed them.

It is taking everything in my power to sit back and watch my kids PACK without saying "this is crucifying someones life"

But she really doesn't know.
She is very unsettled.
She won't let me toilet her
Or change her pad (ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww .. hate to think what's in there)

Bouncing emotions .......

Hugs my friends
Sally

Sal ..mixed feelings are normal. Back to you in a little while

Sally, dear,

You have succeeded beyond what anyone would or could. You have perservered in the face of danger, assault, frustration, all sorts of adversity, and penny pinching. You have made it possible for MIL to be home all of these months. You did not make her ill and cannot cure her. Tell guilt NO!!!!!!! :nono: You did well! Guilt is a choice - have a cry about the sad, awful thing that has befallen dear Doris and refuse guilt.

Now ....
CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!! MIL WILL BE SAFE AND WELL CARED FOR!!!!

CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!! SALLY, ALAN, TAMEA, CAMERON, BRIANNA, AND SOME BUDGIES WILL BE FREE & SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a good day! Thanks be to God!

Hugs 'a plenty!!! Barbara :D

Dear Sally,

I had to leave as I was writing, to drive Daryl to his car - now repaired for almost $800 ....

I got home and checked for messages on the phone, nothing from Bill.

I just want to tell you your feelings of sorrow and even some guilt are normal and to be expected .. you cannot go off fully free of feelings. Feelings don't follow any logic. We can repeatedly tell ourselved 'I don't need to feel guilty, I did my best.' (But somewhere deep inside that old perfectionism comes out and says,' did you really? maybe you could have done better?')

I am thinking now as my Mom is probably on her death bed, 4 months after moving to Bill's house "couldn't you have kept her for another 4 months and THEN moved to Indiana? Did you have to put her through that change so late in life?"

BUt when logic kicks in it says, 'You did the right thing. She was happy those few months at Bill's house, watering the garden, talking to the imaginary monkey in the tree, and going on her once a day around the block walk.' (Bill had set up a few neighbors to keep an eye out for her and bring her back if needed, this was not possible in New York City ..)

And, she couod have fallen anywhere. Not only on Bill's stairs. The apartment was one steep flight up, she could have fallen there many many times...

SOOO, listen to Barbara! She is right, entirely right! You ought to feel proud of yourself for doing the near impossible for all this time. MIL will be safer and happier where she is going, and you can get on with your life. One good thing came of all this: you were motivated to start your nursing course and will soon emerge a NURSE, ready to use your talents and experience to help hundreds more people as you have done so well for your inlaws.

God bess you and keep your optimism, strength and joy in life, and your wonderful sense of humor, intact!

love,

Martha

Well my friends, it's 4am, and I woke up uncomfortable. I started tossing and turning around 3am .. and gave up at 4am. I went to the toilet, and noticed the lights I left on last night were still on, so I crept downstairs.

And what do I see?

MIL sitting on her bed, 1/2 undressed. She's taken off her soaked nappy and dumped it on the floor in the bathroom. She's still got her shirt on, but nothing else, and she's going through her bedside table, everything strewn everywhere - all over her room and bed. The Nappy I had discreetly placed on her bed nicely folded at the bottom of the bed now. She won't put it on, and she won't let me (nor am I going to force the issue)

In a few hours from now, I will ring the Nursing home and accept the bed (if it's still there .... ) Alan will take her in the car to see FIL, during which time I will repack her bags and race them out to the nursing home. After her visit with FIL, Alan will take her back to the Nursing Home.

I'm not as 'flat' as I was last night when I typed my message above. It's sad, but we now have to force the issue.

Nobody likes it. It's just one of the ugly things in life I guess. It'll make me more aware of me ageing, and what I want to put my kids through, or in better words, what I DON'T want to put my kids through.

I don't want to be found half naked at 4am with wet nappy's around the house. I want to be kept warm, safe, well fed and loved from a distance if need be. I'm sure MIL would want that too if she knew what quality of life she DOESN'T have.

On that note, it's now 4.24am .. I might sit on the lounge and watch a movie. I can't sleep whilst I know she's awake, cause I'm listening for sounds from downstairs - in case she try's an escape.

Cheers all
Hugs
Sally

Hi Sally,

How distressing for you to know that MIL is in such a state of uncleanliness and undress. Poor Doris. Poor you. Wish an easy solution could be found, but, alas, nothing is easy at this stage except for the ditsy person. Hang on until sunrise and call the NH even before the office opens. Ask the person who answers to leave a note on the office door that Doris' family wants the bed for Doris. Then go back to bed for an hour or so. :yawn:

If MIL isn't on a sleeping pill, this may be the time for it. My mother kept the night staff company by talking with them for most of the night, but she'd fall asleep in any chair the next day. The sleeping pill worked wonders in keeping Mom asleep at night.

Hoping and praying that the available bed at the NH is still available with MIL's name on it.

Sending you big squeezy hugs! Barbara :)

Sally, I do hope you find some solace in knowing that if Doris could have forseen her destiny, she would have first told you thank you for keeping her home for as long as you have. In her next breath, she would have told you that she didn't want to put you through all of this and that putting her in the NH was what she wanted you to do. She wants you to go on with your life, to raise your kids and plan for your career and future.

I'm sick again so it's a short note. Stupid sinus infection that's gone into my throat and chest. UGHHHH!!!

Love, Barb

MIL is going back to respite today after Alan has taken her to see FIL. I'll duck a suitcase of clothes and stuff at the nursing home. ACAT spoke to BIL YESTERDAY about the situation (of her going back) and he wasn't happy with the idea, but he's not prepared to help out either, so he told ACAT that it is ultimately my decision where his mother goes. I've made the decision - he can point his finger as much as he likes. ACAT also told BIL to ring me to discuss the situation, and he hasn't (surprise surprise). ACAT told him if he's not happy with the situation, he'll have to come and clean up his mothers urine and faeces (he won't) and stay with her constantly until somebody get's home. He asked Why. They said "Sally and Alan go back to school on Monday" and he didn't have much to say after that.

We win. I didn't think it was a competition however. If I never speak to BIL again it will be too soon. Enough crap is enough crap.

Whoooo Hooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What exoneration!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The best part is that MIL will be safe and well-cared for. The 2nd best part is that you are FREE!!!!!!

Blessings, friend! Barbara :D

Well Alan took her to see FIL .. her behaviour, according to Alan was off the wall .. gesturing, jabbering, on and on and on (excited at being out? Excited at the prospect of shopping? Little did she know .....) then INSISTED Alan take her to the Bank ... she took out $500 .. he then drove her to the nursing home. They took possession of the $500 (!!) and she occupied herself in something and Alan left.

Simple!

Meanwhile .. I've been out to the nursing home, unpacked her bags and helped an aid hang everything up again, been out to Parish Administration to organise more paperwork and work out finances, dashed to the bank (not that they can do much at the moment .. I need FIL's signature on lots of things .. he's got the initial POA which is different to our general POA)

confused yet? I am ...

So then I had to go and buy a swimming costume for Tamea ($48 later ....) then bought bread, then come home. We're having lunch, then I'll drop the girls off at the pool, go and have a CALMING cup of tea with my friend T. Then I'll come back home, get Alan, and we'll go to ANOTHER nursing home that MIL can transfer to when her respite runs out (January, or before).

THEN we can have a rest.

Thanks for everybody walking me through this .. your all my dearest friends, the battle is not yet over however, there is still the errant family to deal with of course. Some things WON'T change.

Hugs
Sally

Oh, Sally!!!!!!!!

Rejoicing with you! Enjoy your cuppa tea with T.! I know "cuppa" means tea, but couldn't resist the lame joke of "tea with T"! Sorry! :rolleyes:

As I've said before, I'm so glad that Doris is safe. It's also apparent that she's happy there. Perfect!

Let them who gripe take it from here. You've done the best you could and found the best care for dear Doris when others thought only of their selfish and possibly money-grubbing motives.

Your selfless, loving care shows the heart of gold you have. You'll be a blessing to your future patients and their families.

Hugs and celebration!! Barbara :bouncing: :bouncing:

Hi Sally,

What a change (or lots of changes) has taken place since this time last nite (for me)!!! It sounds like it is all for the better. May everything go exactly as planned for you and your family! I am so happy for you!! :> :> :>

You should not feel like you are abandoning your MIL. Look at all you have done for your FIL and MIL over the past years! You have worked yourself to death!!! Someone should give you a gold medal. I wonder if there is anyway to send one over the internet???

I do hope your get to have your tea with your friend and that your family will be more happy now. Take a deep, deep breath and enjoy the days ahead. I know something will probably pop up that needs your attention, concerning MIL, but you can handle it, over the phone!!!

I am very proud of you. I am also proud of your husband, for standing up to his father and his Brother!!! I think it does sound like MIL likes the place where she is having - or yall are having - a respite. Longer one now!!! :> Oh Yeah, I am also proud of ACAT for finally following thru and getting you and MIL some help!

Do not worry or feel guilty. Your MIL will be in a safer place. With people, well experienced to help her. Clean, busy and fed!

YEA! FOR SALLY!!!!! YEA! FOR MIL!!!!! YEA! FOR SALLY!!!

Take care and keep us updated. And relax!!! Enjoy your "normal" time, now. And do not pay any attention to BIL! He is not to be trusted or relied upon! I hope, that soon, none of yall will have to do anymore, except to go and see your MIL and FIL b4 you guys leave! :>

Good Luck. Love, Wannabe

Latest events:

Nothing dramatic !! Woo hoo!!

We went out to the Respite Care's *main* care residence, to put MIL's name down for a permanent bed.

What they are hoping is that a permanent bed will come up for MIL in the same facility she is in now and she can stay right where she is with no more upheaval.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Sad fact is, they are all on borrowed time, and the chances of a bed turning up for her in the next 3 months is pretty good.

There was a new resident there today, who was saying "I need to go home. I have to go home now" and "Where's my car? I have to go" and "Where's Jim?"

The staff were wonderful with "You'll go home soon" and "Getting fixed" and "He's coming later" .. all those replies were fibs, but they kept the darling happy. I'm just so pleased MIL DOESN'T have words at times !!!!

I'm coming down off my agitated high , can't quite shift this headache, but I'll calm down in a few days ...

Hugs and thanks everybody !!

Sally

Dear Sally,

Now you have freedom. Now you have peace. MIL is also at peace, ina place where people know what to say without having to learn it the hard way!

I remember how I fought tooth and nail. I said to Bill, I could say "yes,yes, that's right'' when Mom says something impossible ..but that would be 'patronizing' her, I can't do that! All I have to do is explain what is really going on and she will see the light." This took months, a year..!!!! I saw that in the middle of my 'explanations' she suddenly came up with another story, one she thought I would like better.

Like the time she I put her in a taxi for church, and went there later (by 2 buses) to pick her up. As the people came out I realized she had not been there. Oh no, where is she?? This was months before we realized she had dementia.

Much hectic runnng around (I had no car) and finally went home really upset ..soon afterwards she arrived. Where were you, I waited outside the church and you didn't come out??

I decided to go for a walk.

WHAT? The taxi took you right to the church and you didn't go in?

Oh, I asked him to let me off at "Top Tomato" (a fruit stand) and after that I walked around.

(But she was not carrying any groceries.)

Finally I called the taxi company and they told me where she had been dropped off, she gave them a wrong address! Getting out and not seeing the church there, she wandered around for a couple of hours until she saw a bus coming, which happened to be one of the 2 she had to take to get home, so she took it, waited for the 2nd one, (she had done this many many times, but could also have forgotten how) and came home ....

Later in the day she talked to my sister on the phone and told her "I tried to go to church but that stupid taxi driver didn't know the way, so we got lost."

And it finally dawned on me that I can't believe a word she says, ever. It was devastating. Nor could I ever allow her to go anywhere alone again ...

Sally ..freedom is yours. You climbed to the top of the mountain. Of course you are exhausted. Of course yu have a tension headache. But you did it.

Love,

Martha

Hi Sally!

Oh happy day!! After all of the false starts, the good reasons, the frustrations, the hurt shoulder, the hurt feelings, the overcrowding, the bad reasons, the true colors people showed that weren't pretty, and everything else, ...... unexpected, sudden FREEDOM!! Joy!!!!!!!

And just in time for Tamea's birthday!!! :jester: Happy Birthday, Tamea!

How sweet it is! :D

Celebrating with you!!

Hugs, girlfriend! Barbara :wave:

Yes the celebration is happening on the other side of the world! :)

YOO HOO!!!!!!

Happiness galore!!!

Congratulations on a job well done!

Love, Barb

Hi Sally,

I am really, really excited for you. I would love to see posts like this more often. Not that I want poor confused AD people to all end up in NHs, but when it is past time!!! That is another thing! No one could have done all that you have done and put up with! You deserve a big, big break!! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! :> :> :> Now you have time to smell the air, look at the flowers and enjoy your tea! Among many other things.

And, I do hope that we keep getting posts, like the one above - from you!!! I love those kind. Hope you got rid of your headache and got a good nites sleep! Enjoy the birthday party and the peace and quiet downstairs.

Take care and rest. Love, Wannabe

FIL hasn't spoken to me since we forcibly broke the news ....

until this afternoon. He rang me and asked if I could pick him up and drop him 'downtown' .. I said "What's up?" and he said "I need to get some finances in order"

YES !!!!!!!!!!!!

He was polite ... cool .. but polite, and I was just my usual jovial companionable self, and he buckled. He smiled. He's ok.

He doesn't like the situation, oh heck, none of us do .. but I think he's accepting the changes. Disliking of course, we expect that, but accepting.

Now if his stupid son could just see the light, all would be well. I really don't like having the family so divided, but if that is what has to happen, then so be it.

I'll go and get him when he calls me - - > but otherwise, I've had a lovely day with my kids. I've got 3 Real Estates willing to give us a hand finding a Rental property ..

AND ......

I just got mail from another two facilities in the area telling me I'll have work when I get there.

I'm happy :-)

Cheers
Sally

AH, friend,

Your future is open!!!! Glad you and the kids had a lovely time together without keeping an ear or a thought tuned for chaos and calamity downstairs.

Your friendly nature has served you and your family well. Glad FIL came around and would be friendly in return. Hope he made intelligent and loving financial decisions, but mostly good that he still has good enough health and his oars in the water enough to handle his business. As for BIL, what will be, will be.

Won't your school class be amazed at the changes that happened just over the holiday?! Who would have thought it possible?

Between now and January, shrea, shrea!

Have a lovely weekend! Let the celebrations continue!!

Hugs!! Barbara :D

My class already know .. well, the important people anyway .. but yes, there has been much headway in a short time ...

Poor Martha put up with months, mines flown in just weeks. How things change.

I still don't *quite* believe it .... I'm waiting for the 'other' shoe to fall, so to speak. FIL is OK with me now .. it's just the stupid BIL that's being stubborn .. but then he has the blonde bimbette egging him on this track, so I am not even going to TRY and explain things to him .. I would be wasting my breath.

It is sufficient to say that BIL DIDN'T tell FIL what was happening even though he new EXACTLY what was going on. He left THAT to us as well. Makes him look good.

Not anymore.

What goes around, comes around ... the truth WILL come out.

Hugs & cheers
Now if I could just shake this COLD for the 3rd time in 1.5 months things could quite possibly be called ideal .. LOL

Sally

Awwww.. hot tea and stay cozy. I love Theraflu - a lemony liquid or pill that makes you feel so much better. I'm having a sinus headache myself and think I'll have a cup now.

Say a prayer for my older son Z and his girlfriend. They've hit a rough patch and she's about to foolishly buy a house that's in bad condition (nightmare of an inspection report) because it's cheap and she needs a place for her dog. She refuses to ask questions of people who could give good information, won't listen to advice, and is being incredibly stubborn in the process. Makes me wonder if she's the right one for him to spend his life with. I wouldn't want to live with someone so bullheaded and deliberately determined to stay uninformed - under the guise of making an adult decision. Z is so frustrated that he is having 2nd thoughts, too. All of this may blow up or end today or in the next week. Mercy!

Sorry for the digression - it's heavy on my mind.

Off to have a cup of Theraflu (I add sugar!)....

Hugs (sniffle) - Barbara :)

Mercy! Has everyone joined me in sickness??? I was up at 12:30am coughing my head off. Couldn't go back to sleep. Turned the tv on and watched Dr. Phil. After Dr. Phil, I went back to sleep only to wake up around 3:30am with a killer sinus headache (more like a migraine). I haven't had a headache like that in a few years. I took the only thing I had, Excedrin Migraine. Went back to sleep around 4:30 only for the alarm clock to go off at 4:45. I'm dead tired!

Got news from Alabama yesterday. Dad fell down the stairs in my sister's backyard. He's ok-just bruised up. He's been getting dizzy a lot too. It's about time for him to come home so I can get him to the doctor. I think she's bringing him back in a week or two. I enjoy my freedom but I do miss him.

I'm planning a trip to east central Wisconsin after dad returns. I'm taking him to see his brother. He's been wanting to go there for a while. His brother has alzheimers too but isn't as advanced as dad. And then sometime before Christmas, I'll take dad to see his sister. I think she may be the next one diagnosed with alzheimers. She's got some of the symptoms. She's in Wisconsin too but on the northwestern side of the state, near Minnesota.

Sally girl, things are falling into place for you now. All your hard work is paying off. Don't think about the other shoe. There's too many good things happening for one bad thing to spoil it.

Love, Barb

Hi there Sally,

I am happy for you - that you are happy!!! :> That is very exciting and should make you feel really good, that you have so many job offers! And real estate people wanting to help yall find a new place!

You FIL is a good person. It is very nice and good for all of you guys, that he is finally coming around! Now if BIL would just change his stripes?! But he probably cannot or will not! Just blow him off, til he becomes - or not - a reasonable and good and true person!!!

Now you get to live a "happy" life, even tho you are sick!

Take care. Love, Wannabe

Sally, I am so glad to hear that you will be getting your life back to normal again. You have truly honored your Mother In Law above and beyond.
Good to hear that your Father In Law has come around, too, and is being supportive.
Take care, and enjoy each new day on your own time now! :o)
Take care,
Linda In CA