Hi,

well i guess im writing this because i just feel really bad and im not sure if i have reason to or should or why or.. or what for.. one of those nights i guess. I dont have an eating disorder, well i dont have one thats been classafied by a doctor.. but im worried, im worried about myself and im tired of feeling so ****** and im embarraced by what i feel and im mad at me because im getting mysef in the **** and what for? am i really this superfical? aparently so :(

ok so.. im sorry ur probably wondering *** im on about ha well.. i was overweight for a long time, not majourly just overweight, enuff for me to not want to go out, not want to by clothes etc so i went on a diet, ha ive been on lots of diets, i finally made myself a plan and stuck to it, its been like a year that ive stuck to it, same foods day in day out, avoiding situaitions that would reck my diet.. im a normal weight now, witch is good but i still dislike me, i dislike alot, the way i look, i thought that wen i hit my goal weight, i would feel confident,i would want to go out, i would want to go shopping etc but i find myself more critical and more than ever not wanting to do those things, i started taking a prescription weightloss drug, orignally i got it from my doctor then he said no more, and for a whole month without it i feel like i was getting fatter and fatter by the day, i felt bloated and horrible and fat SO fat so i did an over the phone consultation and got the pills that the doc had prescribed, i had to lie about my weight, these pills, they cost alot and im a single mum on a bennifit, i dont have that kinda money so, i got a credit card, today i got the bill, and i have no idea how im going to pay it.. i feel like such an icredible idiot b'cos i cant afford this and.. my time, almost all of it is spent thinking about how much i weigh and how i look and.. and.. argh i dunno, i feel lost.. wen i was 14, i would throw up after i ate.. i ditched skool lunches and hid food from my parents, they found my diary and confrunted me, they asked me to promice id never do that again, i said i wouldnt, theyve never said anything since, i no it devistated them to think there daugher would do such a thing.. im not 14 now tho, im 25.. i dont do that, it took a while but i did stop doing that but recently, as in the last few months i did it.. but only a couple of times.. now i just feel.. i dunno, i dont want to get fat, ive been there, i dont want to be there again, but i dont want to be here either cos i feel just as bad - i think.. sorry, if i say anything else it prolly wont make sence :confused:

sounds like you are having a tough time - Im sorry. You know, and I read this alot here in this board - you don't have to be classified by a doctor with an eating disorder to have one, people either say they haven't been diagnosed or they will repeat all thier eating disorder (ED) diagnoses like some kind of badge. You know if you have one, you are the one inside your head everyday. We are all intelligent people and realized that people without an ED don't fixate on food, weight, being bloated or being fat. From what you have written I would know that you DO have an eating disorder. So now you have to decide - what, if anything - you want to do about - you lied to get pills you probably didn't need - what are you willing to do to get started on a better road? thinking of you....

thank you for replying maggie, i think i just needed to get sum of it out my system u no? feel a bit better tonite, thanks

Hi: :wave:
Everything you said makes perfect sense to me. I do alot of the same. All I can think about is my weight. I have been struggling with an eating disorder for almost as many years as I have been alive. I have been very thin and pretty fat too. About a year ago I stopped eating and lost alot of weight. I also ended up IP. Since getting out I have been eating better but feel such awful guilt about it and I am starting to skip meals again. Eating disorders are a terrible thing, not only what they do to our bodies but also to our minds. Hang in there ok.
Tiffany

Today i made an apointment to see the doc, thats tomorrow, so fingers crossed i dont chicken out wen i get there, have a good nite all :)

how did the visit with the doc go ?

maggie

hi maggie,

well it went ok i think, i guess it wasnt as bad as i was imagining. he said to stop taking the pills for a week but just keep eating what im eating then the following week eat a bit more and see how it goes, i guess i already new thats wot i should do but im kinda.. i feel kinda paniky just thinking about not taking them, like, these things are whats stopping me from getting fat and without them am i just gunna pile it on real quick? i guess its a small price to pay for sanity but all the same, this isnt an experiance im going to enjoy :S i will give it a shot tho, got to start sumwhere

keep us up to date on what happens, okay? although as a bulimic i can't neccesarily promise i'll give stellar dietary advice (haha) there's enough ladies here with varied enough experiences that it seems that at the very least there's always someone here who can identify with you and offer up personal experiences as advice. sounds like you are at a tricky point in your life and could use a sounding board! :D

best to you in your journey,
snitter