Brief background: I'm a single mom of a 16 year old girl, Cara. I had married her stepdad several years ago, and we divorced 2 years ago, and moved back into our old house (which was the house my dad grew up in). In the past year or so, her schoolwork has gotten worse, and finally in April of this year, it got really out of control when she ran up a $580 cell phone bill. It was a Sunday afternoon when I saw the bill (online) and approached her about - I was not yelling or anything, I just went to her and started talking about it to her.

Well, she just lost control of herself, and started taking pictures and mirrors off the walls in the hallway and throwing them and smashing them. I had to call my parents who came over immediately. It was a really bad scene.

The next day, Mom took her to the doctor (I had to work), and the doctor put her on Lexapro. Well, over the last few months, she's improved somewhat, with the occasional flareup but nothing that wasn't resolved fairly quickly.

Now, for the past few weeks, I know that she has been getting involved in a relationship between her ex-boyfriend (Corey) and his girlfriend (Krystal). Cara has been sending instant messages to her talking about how Corey cheats on her, etc. Also, they have all been text messaging on their cell phones back and forth with this garbage - saying some really *nasty* words back and forth that I don't approve of.

Anyway, this past Sunday evening, Cara comes in the living room and tells me she wants to change her cell phone number, and there's no charge to do it. She told me it was because "some people" were calling her and she didn't want to talk to them. So I told her that I was proud of her and that was a great idea.

Then on Tuesday, she called Grandma (she tried to get me at work but I was out of the office in a meeting) and talked to her a few minutes, telling her that Corey and Krystal were harassing her at school. Grandma said this seemed to calm her down,and she never asked to come home. Cara told Grandma I could call the counselor and tell her what was going on, which I did. The counselor met with Cara a few minutes and gave her some pointers on how to avoid the situation, etc.

Well, when I picked her up that afternoon (she stays with Grandma/Grandpa after school), she was in a good mood......at first. Then, she saw a guy walking a dog and she decided that she wanted "another dog". Now, we've had this discussion before, and she knows that we just cannot afford another dog, plus grandparents don't want another dog in the house, etc. So I started trying to explain this again to her, and she just blew up at me. It got worse as the evening went on.

Close to bedtime, she went and got in her bed and started throwing things at the bedroom door. I tried to talk to her calmly, but once she gets to this stage, there is NO way to talk or reason with her. Then she started blaring her music so I couldn't go to sleep.

Finally, she wore herself out and turned off the music and went to sleep. She got up and went to school Wednesday. Well, Wednesday evening, she was fine at the grandparents' house, then started giving me hell on the way home again - even punched me three times in my right arm. It still hurts today. She started cussing me, everything.

When we got home, I went on and called Grandma because I knew I just couldn't spend another nite like the previous nite, so she was going to stay at our house, while I went to their house so I could get some rest and be able to go to work and function on Thursday. Then Cara decided she wanted to go "stay with Michele (her friend) for a couple of nights". Grandma and I decided that would be fine - maybe we just needed some time apart.

Last night, Thursday, we had another counseling session. Cara didn't stay in there not even 5 minutes, saying she just didn't feel like talking. So I met and talked with them for the whole hour. It helped me a little bit. They reminded me that I need to take care of myself.

Anyway - my plan now is to take her to the doctor on Saturday morning (tomorrow) to get her thyroid levels checked and just a complete physical. Personally, I just do not believe that all of her actions are just "teenage" issues - I really believe that there is something "physically" wrong going on inside her.

The next thing I dread is getting her to the doctor. And when she realizes she'll have to give blood, or at least get a finger stuck, she is NOT going to be happy because she does NOT like doing that. But she will just HAVE to - it's not an option at this point. Plus, she needs to be getting a physical anyway.

I'm just at the point where I'm scared of her when I'm alone with her and she gets angry. It's sad to be a parent who is scared of her own child. Very scary and very sad.

I love her SO much - and when she is acting "normal", she is a blessing to be around. She is very talened, creative, funny, smart. But it's not showing in her school work, as all she can seem to focus on is the *drama* going on around her.

My parents even talked to my dad's doctor yesterday, and he said that if it got that bad again, that I should not have any reservations about calling the police. And that maybe they could get through to her. That scares me to death. I told my parents I really want to look into any physical problems she might have first - as I really believe that she can be helped.

Plus, like my counselors said last night, maybe she needs another medication instead of Lexapro. Lee's wife has panic attacks, and he said it took her trying 4 different meds before she finally found one that *worked* on her. He said she's now like a totally, new and better person! So, I may ask about changing her medication.

Well......thanks for letting me vent. I just adore my Cara - she is my heart and soul - and it breaks my heart into pieces to see her hurting and not to know what to do or how to fix it for her. But, maybe this step in getting a physical and her thyroid stuff checked will be a first huge step toward getting my precious daughter back.

Carole

Hi Carole,
Sorry to hear about you and Cara. It reminded me of my best friend and her youngest daughter. Same anger problems. Yes, the daughter did have her medicine change because the first one didn't work..made her really depressed. I have had long talks with the daughter and she has confided in me more than her mother. A lot of her anger is at her mother. Mom thought she always treated both daughters. The oldest is very intellegent and loves school(now college) while the youngest was more into sports than school. Because mom was so vocally proud of the oldest the youngest felt left out. The youngest felt insecure and a nobody next to her sister. She started acting like Cara, she started hanging around with the wrong kids in school..to her they were on her level of insecurity and worthlesness. She dropped out of school and ran away. Her mother stuck by her and that was all she wanted..her mother to pay her attention instead of the sister. Thank God she went back to school and got her high school diploma. Maybe Cara just wants more of you. If she's ok with the grandparents but angry around you she could just be lacking your attention? Is her biological dad around? Does she feel abandoned from him and then the stepfather? Do you ever have a girl's night or go to the movies? anything together? How's the communication about life in general? Hope this helps and understand it can be pretty heartbreaking to see her like that. Good luck, I wish you the best.

She has not seen her biological dad since she was about 5. And we have no contact with her "stepdad" (he never adopted her, though we were married for 5 years) in the 2 years since the divorce. She does not want to see him nor talk to him on the phone, and I don't feel like I should force her to do so.

Cara and I usually talk quite a bit, it's just these occasional, sporadic outbreaks of anger that she has that is very difficult. We usually go shopping or just hang out at the mall, taking her friends with us. Or to the movies....or the park.....or to the Fair (our State fair has been in town for the past week or so, and we went twice last weekend, and she went one other time with just her friends).

I don't think it's time with me that she wants, because I feel like we do plenty of things together.....talking......and she's been learning to drive, so I let her drive us around and she really enjoys that. So, we do definitely have our good days. But when it turns bad, it IS BAD.

We go to the doctor in the morning (Saturday, 10/15/05), so I'm anxious to see what comes of that. I definitely want to try another med for the depression/anxiety part of it. She needs something to calm her down a bit....is there a "magic pill" out there somewhere that will just solve all of her problems???? LOL Oh, how I wish. Thanks for the info and encouragement. Will post tomorrow on what happened at the doctor.

Thanks!
Carole

:angel: I truly sympathize with your situation. I am a single mother of 4. I also just left counseling after 10 years. I worked with juveniles for 6 of those. It is good that you are checking all the physical possibilities, but if nothing shows up there persue the mental side. Children don't develop these behaviors over night. You do need to take care of your self. If you allow her to control you and your emotions you will not be able to help her. Stay strong and patient. She needs to know that these behaviors are not acceptable at any time. There are counselors that specialize in teaching coping mechanisms, pro social behaviors and anger managment, as I did. All the medicine that she could be given will only help but so much if she doesn't posess the above mentioned skills. Take care and good luck.

Hi Carole,
How'd you make out at the dr's. Did they change Cara's midication? Hope all is well.

Hi

Not To Be Mean But By Reading Your Post She Needs You And Not The Grandmother She Needs You Spend More Time With Her If She Says She Don't Want To Talk Keep After Her Tell Her That You Want To Talk And That You Can't Read Her Mind ,she Is Calling Out For You,it Sounds Like Your Work Is Your Life ,but Ya Know You Are Your Daughters Life ,don't Let Her Pull Away From You ,tell Her What You Feel That When She Is Down It Is Killing You Inside .your Work Is Work But Your Baby Is Your Baby She Should Come Frist In Your Life,don't Bring Home Your Work Don't Talk About Work When You Get Home Let It Be All About Her And You.i Know It Is Hard When You Are At Work To Talk To Her ,but Don't Tell Her I Can't Do Anything Iam At Work ,tell Her Ok I'll Be Right There Go To Her That What She Wants,she Don't Want A Dog She Wants You.

Cj