Okay,
So I am in this state of utter frustration. I know that I want to "be healthy" and that I need to gain weight, but it's the actual getting there that is so hard. I haven't had my period for a while, and it came today. I know that it's a good thing, and that means that my body has gained the amount back needed for my cycle, but at the same time..it tells me that I am failing. That I am not keeping my weight down...that I've allowed myself too many good foods.. I know I've gained weight, and my husband said he likes that I've "filled out" more..I am sure you all can relate to the feelings you have when someone says that.

I just don't know what is wrong with me...why don't I want to get better?? Why can't I be normal, and see my period as a healthy aspect?
Novblis

Novblis,
Sweetheart, I can really relate here...because it's one of my big struggles now. I'm gaining weight :( and it's the ED voice that says "bad, bad, bad".
I listened to that evil voice this past wek---I had only a cup of pudding Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday I ate a complete meal, and Friday I had cereal.
Today, I "allowed" myself to eat at a breakfast buffet with my friends, which I promptly tried to purge, knowing full well that I was hurting God and myself all over again. The good news? nothing came up:)
I don't know what creature I've morphed into--somebody that I am so sick of looking at, so tired of being. THe sadness is that I know the woman of God that He created me to be is hiding beneath all these masks, ready to burst forth. I am so scared for people to see the real me, so to speak.

What you and I and evryone who lets these ED's control us is that our circumstances do not define us--and we should not allow other people to define us as that either.
We are created in the image and likeness of God. He has set us apart. He calls us beautiful.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, honey. Thanks so much for opening up and for letting us all be there for you.

Love,
MG

Hi,

It's not you who doesn't want to get better. This disease will fight us at every step to preserve itself. Putting yourself at a distance from it, seeing it for what it is, sometimes helps. I can see what it wants to do, and I have to white-knuckle the feelings and just continue eating anyway.
It may take a while for you to feel comfortable eating out. How about just having some vegetables with your friends, go Chinese or something, and have a meal planned for yourself when you get home?
As far as holidays go, I just avoid them like the plague. I spend quiet, spirutual time with myself and my cats those days, don't get into the whole "festive" thing, and I find I am much happier that way.
Good luck, and keep on trying, but not tooo hard. One step, then hold it there until you're feeling absolutely ready to go onto the next.

Peace to you,

Seaturtle