Hey all, writing from Europe..

I don't know what's going on with me. I was so promising at everything and I had all the conditions that a human being could ask for.
My family is great, they love and support me at everything.
God has given me good looks and ability to be a very good athlete.
I have money, I have friends...I have everything.

Nothing has ever been real tough for me because God has given me a lot.

But I'm stupid. I'm just the dumbest person on the earth.
I'm throwing it all away.

You know, I feel like every decision I ever made was a wrong decision.

It hurts me a lot because deep down I think I'm a good guy.

I'd never do any harm to anyone but what I'm doing to myself is just terrible.

Hear me out..

For some reason...and I don't know what reason is it...I'm acting like a bum.

I didn't go to school for 7 days now. I don't know why. I just didn't.

I feel so stupid because I haven't seen any of my friends for a week, I haven't gone out for a week and I'm just like hiding.
This isn't a first time I missed school for many days but this time is different. Last time (two weeks ago) I said I was sick. But I miss so much, I can't be sick all the time. It's obvious..
I can't even look my friends into their eyes anyore because I'm ashamed of myself. I don't know what to tell them.
Teachers probably make of me because they know what I'm doing.

I just feel terrible and I don't know why I don't go to school. I'm just stupid like that.
What once was a promising voleyball career is now nothing. I haven't gone to practice for 2 weeks.

As you can see, I'm destroying myself.

I know its stupid but I even thought about a suicide but then I realized that that would be a selfish thing to do because my family loves me.
My mom is the best mom in the world and my little brother who's only 2 years old loves me with such unseen passion.
And I love them..

I know, many of you won't really think of this as a real problem.
Maybe it isn't. I'm ashamed of myself because people in the world have some real problems.
Their loved ones are dying, some are poor and they're just fighting to survive...but me?

I'm just a weak, mentally unstable idiot.

Good people...help me please...

What should I do?

Try to find the way to work things out in school...
Take the crap from people because I deserved it...

Or perhaps ask mom to move me some place else where I could get a fresh start...I could move to my aunt perhaps..

I'm planning on telling my mom what's been going on. I"ll tell her today..

I want things to work at school but I think I already messed up so badly that it"ll be hard.
Some teachers must be shocked on how I miss so much.
Looking them into their eyes is not pretty...but maybe I deserve it.
Maybe I deserve the punishment.

Although my friends are great, I didn't see them like 10 days.
They might also change their attitude towards me.

If this sounds silly...I'm sorry...but it's a real problem.

How am I gonna look into people's eyes?

Into voleyball people's eyes? Into teachers eyes? Friends eyes?

I just feel so depressed.
It wasn't a problem until I made it a problem.

I just don't know what to do.

Help me.

Tell everyone what is going on and get some help! Everyone feels down from time to time. If it is depression, it is not going to get better unless we make it better. You should not belittle yourself for your emotions. They are a part of you just as they are a part of what makes us all the unique individuals we are. Everyone understands. Hardly anyone knows what is going on when we take a dive off the deep end. All we can hope for is clarity in our search. Sometimes to think clearly we have to feel more deeply.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon. :)

Depression knows no social, sex or age bounderies. If you had thoughts of suicide you are depressed. You have money so you probably have medical. Go see a theropist. Do it right away. telling friends and teachers can wait. But you need to take care of you first. An antidepressant can ballance an inballance that could be causing your behavior. Its not a sign of weekness and the feelings of shame are part of depreesion. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Be kind to your self. Ask your loving mom to take you to get help. Lean on those who love you.

reading your post makes me want to cry, so forgive me for not replying in detail. You do need to talk to people, don't be afraid to look people in the eyes - you'll probably see someone who cares looking back. My thoughts are with you.
xxx

Wow you sound so much like me. Im 16 and I too have everything good going for me. While I have managed to go to school I have gotten so behind in my work. (im like 5 tests behind in one class even though I get the info better than most of the class) I too have considered suicide, even made plans to do it, wrote out the letter etc but decided it was too selfish. I don't have any good advice but I wanted to let you know your not alone.

like someone else said, you sound identicle to me about 5 years ago. Don't underestimate people. Teachers are some of the most caring poeple in the world. you don't have to explain everything to them but just go to them and appoligize for missing their class due to personal issues and ask if they can help you get back upto speed. Do talk to your mom about it. Maybe you can look into a tutor or even maybe just her driving you (seems silly but sometimes having someone give you that push is helpful). Same goes with your vball coach. Maybe you won't be playing first line for a while but talk it over with him and maybe even take a year off to relieve some stress. Don't ever believe you've made a bad desicion because you never know what great thing it may lead to, or what disastrous situation it may have saved you from. Believe in yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help =0) Good Luck!

I am new here but it seems to me that yes your problem is real, and it also seems that you have made the first step in what needs to be a series of steps to fixing your problem. It takes alot of courage to admit when you know you have messed up. I also know its hard to sit alone and face your faults let alone put them out there for the world to see. Try not to think of the problem as a whole as it may seem overwelming and harder to fix. work on small things everyday, set small goals, talk to your friends and I bet they will understand. If you cant talk to them then write them. If they don't understand and support you while your having a tuff time then they aren't your friends to begin with. I am glad that you realize that suicide is not the answer. I think more people than you realize have contemplated it, I know there have been hard times in my life when I have but I couldn't do that to the people that I love nor could I do that to myself. It takes alot of guts to stand up and try to help yourself and get help and not take the easy way out. And yes I do think that Suicide is the Easy way out. anyway I just wanted to let you know that I think it took guts to admit that you need help and that you've screwed up some things in your life. In fact I don't think you've actually screwed up yet. I think you are realizing that your screwing up and want to get off that road. its never to late unless they are lowering your casket into the ground. then its to late.
Good luck and I wish you all the best.