It's funny how you can be just crusing along in your recovery(it's been about 10 weeks for me now) and doing well, when all of a sudden you have a really bad day, and the pills seem to be calling out your name. I used Vicodins mainly because of chronic depressin, and the low energy that goes with it. When the fall days here in Michigan start to get cold and grey, my depression really kicks into gear. I know a couple of Vikes would ease the pain, but I know it would only be for a little while. I am wise enough to know the depression will be worse when the pills wear off, and I would probably start the whole vicious cycle all over again. Then I would be racked with guilt and shame, and feel like a total worthless piece of S**T. Today on a most depressive day, I chose not to use again.

Good for you xrayman! Sounds like the cravings were pretty bad today. Congrats on holding out and not giving in! Hope tomorrow is a better day!

Hi Xray

Glad to hear that your sobriety is ongoing, as you know these days come and pass. I wish you a more peace filled day tomorrow :-)

Today(Sunday) is another one of those days. It's cool and windy outside and the family and I are just veging out around the house. It's another depressive, very low energy day. I am really looking forward to work tomorrow to take my mind off everything. Depression sucks so bad, but I will not give into the cravings.

I would often find the weekends, especially Saturday, quite uncomfortable at times. In fact this morning I was feeling out of sorts because my plans for something fell though and so I was stuck for something to do. I wish I could just sit and do nothing, but I find that soo hard. I often look forward to work for the same reasons as you, to keep me ocupied. As I'm somewhat obsessive compulsive I also like structure in a day.

XRAY.......Same thing happen to me everytime this time of the year when the weather changes........ I am in FL, so this time of the year is awsome and for whatever reason it always makes me reflect on all kinds of life stuff...I am also in the medical field and when I was in school......and keep in mind this is just what the Psych teacher told us........that people who our Bi Polar.....full blown or even a little, which a lot of people who suffer from depression do SOMETIMES suffer with bi polar and it often goes un diagnosed.....there bi polar does come out this time of the year and this time of the year is when most people get diagnosed with depression, bi polar and other mental dx....this is alos a very popular time for addicts to either go one way or another........recover or go ALL out.......if you know what I mean....good to hear I am not the only one who gets like this........I often remeber feeling not right this time of the year when i WAS YOUNGER AND NOT USING....and actually this is my favorite timke of the year...go figure :D , just thought i would share that bit of trivia with you....hang in there, you have come so far and witout bad days there would not be good days.....just be gald you feel again........whatever the feeling is...........it has got to be better then feeling high all the time.............thats the news in getting clean.the good news is you get to feel again,the bad news is.............you get to feel again..hang in there...one day at a time and dont use no matter what........HAPPY HALLOWEEN

XRayman

Your right-Michigan can be dreary but the fall is really beautiful. Today was windy but look at the color of the leaves. And it wasn't raining!!!!!! My daughter actually gets really depressed in Winter. It was suggested to her that she go to a tanning booth. It really helps her depression. In Dec. she is moving to Florida. Sounds good to a Michigander.

Any of us can slide but if we keep each other strong we have a better chance of staying clean. Keep strong!

Yours,
Vickyuser :angel:

Wow - TChris - I remember feeling very weird this time
of year too, starting at age 13 or so. It is very interesting
about this being a time of year for addicts to give in or
straighten out. Also, the bi-polar thing. I've always kind of
wondered if that could be me..


When winter approaches, I feel like I am headed into a long
dark tunnel ..in spring, the lights come back on. However,
last year we moved South, and it is remarkable how much
December and January sunshine help!! I feel so lucky
that we made this move!

x-ray - Those grey winter days really bum me out. I know what
you mean! I wonder if there is anything to the special light
therapies I have read about? Maybe exercise would help?
If you are like me, it's hard to get my butt out of the chair
when I get bummed - so it compounds.

Hang in there x-ray. You are doing good, and you are
worth it!!!

When I first came down with a really bad depression I was 19, and it was in the fall, so by association, I usually go through a depression during this time of year. I went out and took some awsome photos of the trees, and I love the beautiful colors, but I still hate this time of year with a passion. It is now Monday moring and I made it through the weekend. I am about to head to the office, and I am happy to not be suffering the shame of a Monday Vicodin hangover.

XRay
Good for you. Go to work, keep busy and have a great day. Were here so post. And have a Happy Halloween!

Yours,
Vickyuser :angel:

Hi Xrayman;

I know exactally how you feel.

Or you see something on tv that makes you want to use, or a friend
mentions pain pills and you want to use, etc. I know, I have been through it
all before too.

But if it is depression making you want to use,could you get on an
antidepressant? Or have you tried that already?

Hang in there. You are smart to know that just one pill , and you will be
right back in the same position you were in before.

good luck to you

Are you still getting plenty of exercise aswell Xray? I was most impressed by your long distance running several weeks back. That type of activity must be good for getting the natural endorphins pumping into the blood. I saw my pain specialist last week and he advised me to get some heart pounding exercise, said it's a great natural pain killer! Plus the feel good factor.....

But sometimes we can't win on this one as I've know people to swap drug addition for excerise addition; still I know which I'd rather have ;-)

Bluejulie, the whole reason I became a Vike addict is because I've tried anti-depressants, and all they did was made me feel like crap. They never did a thing for the depression. I have also been through many therapists and wasted my money. When I found Vikes I first fooled myself into thinking these were the perfect anti-depressant. They did exactly what I thought an anti-depressant was supposed to do. Then after a few years I finally learned I was fooling myself.


Blasterboy. I am an exercise addict. I have been for over 15 years. I work out five days a week religiously. It really helps a lot. Thanks eveyone for all your words of encouragement.

There's a bit in the AA big book that states that "the Depressive Alcoholic is probably the most misunderstood and that a whole chapter alone could be deadicated to such!" Maybe that's why you don't feel at home in AA meetings; too many people taking a language that you can only half understand?? I'm not a depressive type, but I know a few who our and I can't put myself in there perspective.. I bet you stuggle with the bit in the "Just for today card" that states "Most people are as happy as they choice to be." If someone was springing that one at a meeting I might be impressed and feel inspired, but the depressive might think that we're a bunch of "nutters" lol.

You are as happy as you chose to be is a line we depressives have trouble, but that is not why I am not a fan of AA. As I said before AA becomes another addiction that some aquire, which I did not. I took what I needed and moved onward. I tired of hearing the same guys say the same stuff over and over and over again, and I just wasn't a fan of the 12 steps. The first one was good, but some of the rest I just couldn't get into. As I type this I am in the middle of a workout, which is my addiction. I did aquire a very heavy caffiene addiction from my time at AA.

Yes it often suprises me to here someone sharing all wisely and then knocking back the coffee and chain smoking the ciggies, too many people do that in AA, I've been fortunate to find sobriety from those habits also. But I would say that AA is only something that can appeal to someone who's had an internal surrender of self and ego; you stick me as a successful and willful man so I can understand why it might all sound the same to you and not inspiring. It says in the big book that AA doesn't have the monopoly on recovery, as you well know (been that you haven't drunk in a long time,) but for now I find in it a place where I have an hour to ground myself in sobriety and to be able to help others; it's especially a good place for helping others and if I have to listen to "Johny" dribble ever now and then I hope I still have the patience to bide it and be there for someone else. When I do have the chance to directly help someone else it the best medicine availabe for me, guarenteed to leave a smile :-)

Oh well AA or no AA, I know I have alchohol licked. It's going to be much harder to give up the Vike habit for good I will admit. The whole reson is because I know if I drink again, I will destroy the life I have. Alcohol is a totally non-functional drug for me, period, where as with the Vikes I could slip and still go to work and do all the things in my life I do. The fact that Vicodin was such a fully funtional drug to me, will make it so hard to keep clean on a permanant basis. You mentioned ego. My ego is keeping me from using Vicodins at this time. I don't want to fail. I want to always be able to come back to this board and say I made it trough another day.

I hope today goes well for you, have a good one :-)

Looks like you are also a very early riser. I don't work until 11am, but I rise at 5:30 to workout. It is so nice to have that done before I have to drive my oldest to school. You too have a great day.................