Hello everyone! I've been in a relationship for 6 years, we have 2 young children together. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and drug addict. We have been through hell and back! Just when I thought he hit rock bottom, went to jail, lost everything, missed out on the birth of our second child, he decides 2 years later to start drinking again. 9 months ago I left my home and family in Minnesota, moved here to Arizona to give it one more try. Everything seemed to be going great, until today when he broke the news to me that he had been drinking here and there for the past 3 weeks! He says that things are different now, he has grown up and feels he can be responsible this time. Do I try to let go of the old memories, or do what I planned to do and move out if he takes another drink? My kids and I have bounced around soooo much, I cant handle another move. Have I been fooling myself through out this whole relationship? Are my the problem? What should I do? I will never understand this disease! Why is in so important for him to drink? Why is he playing with fire all over again after everything we've been through? I need someone to talk to. I'm away from my family and friends now, they were my support system, here, I have no support. I know I'm rambeling, but there is so much going through my head. So, to end the talk we were having, he says, " you're right, what was I thinking?". Thank you for listening.

Gee, thanks for the replies.

Amber - sorry no one has replied. I remember how great it
felt to have someone reply to my posts (still does!).

Is there a Al Anon group you could join? Maybe that
could be a support system for you in Arizona..
they have been around a long time, and probably
could offer top notch advice.

If you want me to look up some info, just give me
an idea of your location - I'll post it for you!
Take care, Lizzie

I have been to Al-anon off and on in the past, but never stuck with it. Its a hard thing to commit to because I have kids, but no babysitter. I'm just trying to understand from an alcoholic/addicts point of view as to why the endless cycle. What does it take to stop? I thought he hit his rock bottom. How can he look at his kids and start the cycle all over again, knowing what he has to loose. So this morning he sits me down and apologizes for his behavior in the past. What does that mean? Is he going reconsider his decision to drink again? Maybe I just need to quit the fight. Thank you for your reply, I appriciate it!

Amber - It's alot slower around here on the weekends...thus the probable reason for delay in responses.

I agree that Alanon would be a good start for you to get some support and answers. Usually local meetings are in the newspaper or you can search for them online.

I can only speak from my own experience...it's different for everyone I guess. But for me I had to have consequences. As long as everything was fine I kept going full speed ahead. He won't quit for you or your children...the only way he will quit if for himself. You can't fix him, you can't force him. You can only take care of yourself and your children. He must want to stop.

Regardless of what problems he's had in the past..obviously it wasn't a bottom for him. He somehow thinks he can control it...many make this mistake over and over again before they figure out they can't control it and complete abstinence is the only answer to continued recovery. It doesn't sound like he has accepted or admitted that he is an alcoholic?

The why is hard to answer. Because it's a compulsion, because he's sick even if he doesn't realize it, because he's not finished, because he still thinks he can control it. We addicts and alcoholics find a million excuses to convince ourselves we can keep using. I had 11 years clean and relapsed. I am now 45 days clean again.

Again..all this is one personal opinion. We can't really telll you what you should do. We can only share our experience. :wave:

I just don't know how he could hit even harder then he did. Is it really going to take not just loosing the house and material things, but me and the girls too? It's Halloween, I just spoke to him and found out that he is having some beers with one of his employees. I'm trying so hard not to scream and yell at him, because thats what I would do in the past. I just dont have it in me to fight anymore. More then likely the kids and I will be trick or treating alone tonight. When I was talking to him, he was making such a joke of me to his friend, and I could hear his friend laughing in the back ground. That brought back so many old memories. How do I keep my calm? I'm trying so hard to keep calm. I feel the urge to call him back and yell, but it only makes me insane. Talking to people really helps. I enable him! Thank you for listening!

amberay, hello, I am sorry too hear you are going though this. my husband also is an drinker. and I deal with all kinds of things to, it is hard I know it is.They do have online alanon chats, just do a search. I am sorry for your pain, And I also know that yelling and screaming does no good. They are happy and it does not matter if we are not.when is enough a enough? I am not sure? I know I love my husband and at the same time I hate him? I wish I had an answer for you and my self, I do know that I have to start living a life with out him, doing my own thing and not waiting for him to come home, When he gets finished drinking with his friends. I am not sure what to tell you ,But as far as me I am just wore out and ready to let go of him, I have tried everything, He also has been to jail, spent alot of money, didnt stop, He some how thinks he is not a man unless he is drinking with the guys.I feel like a door mat some one he comes too when there is nothing better to do. Then when I do get mad He wonts to act mad at me like I did something wrong.We dont have children we lose one two years ago, I guess god knows best sometimes.At this point I can only tell you to live for your self and do what you have to .in order to make your life better for your self.I cant speak for your husband but My husbands first love is his beer and his friends he drinks with. I am the last thing on his mind, But you know what ......... You will find a way just like I will. God bless you ............. Felicia

Felicia- I'm so sorry to hear about you loosing a child! I couldn't imagine that. How long have you been married? We've been together for 6 years now. I met him when I pretty young. All of the warning signs were there from the get go, but I ingnored them at the time because I was partying with him. He took the fun out of that before long. Its been a battle for me to get him sober since. I have also tried everything! I always leave but then I come right back. There is something in me that finds it hard to let him go. Now I'm in Arizona, far away from home, my daughter has moving issues now because of this, and I feel lost. I do feel that God has a plan, and what ever it is, I need to keep my mouth shut and let it happen! I'm throwing in the towel! I've never taken care of myself through out our relationship. He did come home last night to go trick or treating, but had a bad attitude the whole time. Talk to you soon.

Hi there,

You mentioned in your post that you leave him but then go right back.......
well i am here to tell you that one of these days you are going to get soooooo fed up and disgusted that you will leave again.....for good....and never look back! I was once right where you are today. I had got into the relationship young as well as married young.....I, like you partied right along with him until i got pregnant with our little boy. I grew up and learned responsibility fast, however he did not.

He continued with his excessive drinking and smoking pot with his friends. His friends and the alcohol/drugs always came first. Our child would be out of diapers but he would take the last of his money to spend it on partying.
I would threaten to leave and i too would leave but always came back. I wasted so much of my precious life on him.

I finally got fed up and angry, i had put up with it until i really didnt even like him nor could i stand to even be around him....that is when i RAN never looking back. When he realized i wasnt that naive little girl anymore and that i wasnt coming home that is when all the begging and pleading for me to come home began. It was to late! All the love i felt for him had slowly died over the years and i had no desire to return to that hell again.

I hope for your sake and the children that your hubby comes to his senses before it is to late. If he continues with his behavior you too will eventually tire of it and leave once and for all with no desire to return.

I dont regret having my child, but i do regret wasting so many of what could have been the best years of my life!

ValleyGurl

I'm with valleygurl. Unless you'd be dead broke if you left him that's what I would do. Many , many women stay with this kind of a guy out of worry for loss of income. They've lost any feelings they had for him so why ruin your life and your kids' lives for HIM and his Addiction?
Can you get some money together and start a happy life over for yourself? That's what I did eighteen years ago; and I am so happy now. It Was hard at first, yes; but after a couple of weeks I felt so relieved to be away from the madness that I just could not go back. My philosopy is : let them laugh and joke around with their "friends" all they want without my interference.
I don't want to be a wet blanket; give them Permanent Space away from you ; that's what they want anyway. Then watch and see him whining and trying to come home to mommy.
I never went back; it's really quite wonderful. Good Luck!

I'm with the other ladies here. Years ago I was involved with a man who drank, partied, cheated, lied, spent all of our money...forget the fact that at the time we had just had a baby. He came home drunk at 3am the first night I was home from the hospital with the baby. I too moved away from my home..not once but twice. Once only 3 hours away, but the last time I moved from GA all the way to the West Coast to start over with him in L.A. What a mistake that was!! I was so miserable.

I wasted alot of years trying to save the relationship. Thinking..if I only do this he'll change, or if I only look the other way one more time he'll love us enough to stop, eventually my own addiction blossomed in the middle of this relationship and I was nearly killing myself with drugs just to try and numb myself enough to continue to hold on and tolerate the problems. It never happened. I finally got the guts to walk away and shut that door...and I got my life together.

Unfortunately he never changed. I can't tell you the number of times he had moved in the last 12 years. He hasn't seen his son since the age of 2...he is now 14..almost 15. Did it hurt? Yes..like hell. But this too shall pass. I spent quite a few years on my own after that..examining what drove me to make those choices and what compelled me to live with the things he put me through. Eventually God put someone in my path that was all the things this man never was, he is "daddy" to my son and is my husband of 9 years.

It's hard to do and nobody can tell you what is right...only you can decide. Good luck. I am sorry you are going through it..I remember how painful it was.

I meet my husband at a night club, Oh boy did we have some good old times, back then things were great, then I stoped the party life and my drinking, he could not, or would not. then as time went on If we did drink togather we would always have bad fights. Of course it was my fault because I was drinking he would say, NO the only thing it was is that when I am drinking I talk back, When I am not drinking I take his mouth.and say nothing........ I do still enjoy a night out But now I have to leave that life because he loves to fight to much.I think there are so many women that live just like us. AND it is true when you get enough you will just walk away. I can not say that I am leaving him But I am going to start taking care of me, and find a little of my self that I have forgotten. I have too do this for me I know this, SO many times I sit at home till 8 or 9 o clock at night with supper ready waiting on him, WHY do I do that . IF he does not care why should I.? I am so dum ? over and over I do the same thing, It is insane, when he does not even care. I beg,, cry,, yell,, scream..... Nothing works. SO now it is time for me to work on myself and stop trying to work on him... Then I know for sure That will work.Well you have a great night I will talk to you later................. Felicia

Felicia- What you say reminds me of me. I do everything to try and give us a normal life, but it's never good enough. The weirdest thing happend today, he came home from work a cazy maniac! I could smell alcohol on him, and he had that same old mean, cold, angery look in his eye, that I've seen so many times in the past. We were in the garage, and he was yelling about the world! When he's been drinking he gets so angery at the world. Then he turns on me and says that i don't understand him and i just need to accept that he's choosing to drink again. It's like he's completely forgotten everything! He says to me that he is "the man, and the boss" and that I "need to respect him, or move on". He left, then somehow found his way back to an AA meeting. His brother, out of the blue called him and asked him to take him to a meeting. This is someone who has never been interrested in meetings. So now they are there together. That is so weird how that turned out. I thought forsure that tonight would be a night of hell. Has anyone here ever had that sick gut feeling when you knew that your man would come home drunk? I use to get that feeling then go to my room and pretend I was a sleep because I always knew that there was going to be hell to pay when he would get home from the bar. At least I can have some peace of mind for tonight anyway. Thank you guys for talking to me! Even though you're strangers, it really does help.

Well guys, I woke up at 3 a.m. and he was not home. That makes me wonder if he and his brother even found their way to a meeting, or decided to get messed up together. I'm going to guess the 2nd one. Why else wouldn't he come home? Here we go again!

Hi Amber - Just getting caught up on your posts. Did he ever get home?

I had a similar relationship. And my ex always got really mean when he drank. I, like you, would lay motionless in the bed when he got home and just hope he would pass out and leave me alone. Even worse were the nights he came home in a good mood and wanted to be all over me, drunk and disgusting.

The only option for me was to leave that reltionship. We had been together for 4 years (if you don't count numerous short break ups). I was miserable with him, and then I was even more miseralbe after I left! For a couple of months that is... And then one morning I woke up and realized that it felt so good to wake up not worrying about what HE was going to do that day. I'm sure you know what I mean! I wish there was a way I could think of to get help you get him to understand and to stop drinking... Unfortunately people have to want to stop on their own...

Hope you are doing okay!
Tina

amberay, Hello, sorry I have been away for a day , just got back on here. I am having proublems with my sons. I just wont you to know your not alone,Did he ever make it home from that aa meeting with his brother. HA HA. that lasted half the night. I know you are hurt and I am sorry for your pain, I am in the same boat as you are, and I know how hurt you are, To love a person and have that person treat you so disrespectful, like a pair of old shoes that they have tossed in the closet.My husband will be leaving in 5 weeks going to Mexico, to see his family , he will be gone for a while maybe 4 to 6 months, And I will have to find away to pay all the bills here , that gives me a month to get a job that pays enough, HA HA, like it is so easy to find them jobs. But I know I will be okay. and You will to just try to think about yourself and the children. do things for yourself and stop trying to control his behaver, Because you are just betting your head against a bick wall. Let go and ask god to handle this. Please keep writing here, Yes we are all strangers but you will find out that this is a place to help you grow, not everyone here has a drunk for a husband but some have drug addicts, others are trying to better them selfs. But you will find friends here, that will come to you and talk. We all need to talk in order not to lose our minds. Felicia