so, as some of you know, i'm in recovery and doing pretty well with it. (i am/was anorexic but was having BAD binge eating for the past year.) i've done pretty good getting the binging out of the picture, i've been steadily increasingly my calories to a very healthy level, i've been exercising a ton less and although i'm still totally dependent on counting calories and all that, i feel like everything is moving along pretty good towards recovery. i know i've got a long way to go, but i feel very dedicated to getting better, which is great.

now for the problem part . . .

since i've been able to stop binging, i've lost a good deal of weight (sorry if this is triggering for anyone, but it's part of the story, so i've gotta say it) and am now at an unhealthily low anorexic-style weight. so we've been working really hard on getting my body to gain weight, but it seems to be fighting it every step of the way. basically, i need to gain 8 pounds before my therapist stops freaking out and we can relax a little on the weight issue. but my stinkin' body is just refusing to pack on some pounds! we keep increasing my calories and decreasing my exercise and i either maintain the weight i'm at or LOSE more!! what?!?! it's really frustrating and i don't really get it . . . i'm eating a lot! (and really a lot, not 200 cals more than before so i think it's a lot. trust me, it's a lot.)

anyway, the problem is, this past saturday we increased my calorie level to 2800-2900 (it varies daily, but is always in that range). i was totally cool with it because i'm so sick of seeing no progress. so what's the bad part you ask? I'm STUFFED. since saturday i have just been VERY VERY full and i don't like it. it feels like i'm just stuffing myself with food constantly and i seriously haven't really been hungry (except for breakfast) in the past four days. i just eat based on what time it is. last night i didn't eat dinner till 8:30 and i didn't even want it then cuz i wasn't hungry at all (and that is NOT like me . . . i'm always hungry!) but i knew i still needed 800 calories of dinner and 400 of dessert so i ate it. but i was so so full.

to add on, i feel like i'm dying of thirst these past couple days (despite drinking tons of water) and i'm sort of constipated. my body is like, "what are you doing?!? i'm not hungry, so stop stuffing me with food!!"

i don't know (and sorry this is so long by the way!). this just feels horribly unnatural and it's making me physically uncomfortable all day long. it just seems unnecessary. my body CLEARLY doesn't want this and i feel i'm entitled to say that. no offense meant to anyone at all, but it's not like i'm at some super anorexic level freaking out because i'm "eating too much" when in reality it's like 1000 calories or something. it really is 2800 friggin' calories and i just don't have room for them!

i'm eating a lot of things like trail mix and chocolate milk to add calories so i don't have to majorly take in more food (cuz clearly, i don't have any more room!), but it's still filling me up so much!

sorry again about the length of this post, but i really needed to get this out. i know i just wrote a lot to get through but any words of wisdom you all have would be GREATLY appreciated.

love and kisses from a girl with a VERY full belly!

If you are truly "stuffed" I would say you are eating too much (Which is terrible to say to an anorexic!!) BUT it is not healthy to stuff yourself full of food because you want to gain X number of lbs in X number of day. It is not healthy for your body to eat a lot of calories if you have been restricting, you need to work yourself back up. 2800 a day is a lot of food to have to eat. Maybe stop worrying about the calories and just eat when you are hungry and stop when you are full, I think you will naturally gain weight.

the thing is, i haven't been restricting. for the past month or a little over, my caloric intake was around 2400-2500 and my weight either stayed low or dropped a pound between therapy appointments. so unfortunately, i don't think i'm allowed to just eat when i'm hungry and stop when i'm full. 2400-2500 was a lot of calories, but i could do it and not feel stuffed all day and yet i still lost or maintained my "unhealthily" low weight. why is my body so friggin' weird?!

i just really don't know. i'm well aware that i'm eating more than my body needs because i'm full all the time and i'm feeling other weird side effects that i used to get (on a much more major scale) when i would binge -- very thirsty/dehydrated, dry and itchy "down there," bloated/gassy yet constipated. ugh! i just feel like my body wants to stay at this weight and try as i might to get it up, my body is resisting every step of the way.

what am i supposed to do? if i eat less, i don't gain and i stay at an "unhealthy" weight. so hopefully this caloric intake will make me gain weight, but how am i supposed to cope with feeling SO awful all the time? plus, what happens when i do gain and reach that weight? if i drop out this trail mix (that's what got me from the 24-2500 to the 28-2900), then i'll probably just lose the weight? so do i have to go on being overly full all the time just to maintain a certain number on the scale? somebody help, this f***ing sucks.

Something MUST be going on, because if you were eating the amount of calories you body needs, and can HANDLE, you would not be have be having these symptoms. I still think you may just be taking in too much food. Are you at a really unhealthy weight?? Perhaps your body will just take time to settle at the weight it is supposed to be at. If you eat normally, you body will settle at the weight it is supposed to be at.
Have you tried just eating high caloric foods (milk shakes, whole milk,ect) instead of eating SO MUCH food?? If you are gassy and having digestive problems, then it's probably too much food for your system to handle. When I eat a big meal (which is next to never!) I get gassy.
How about adding some fiber? (cirtracel, metamucil, not those dangerous little pills) and drinking more water??

BTW,when I was very very thin (I had a lot of health problems and was on lots of meds that took away my appetite), after I started eating more and normally I didn't gain weight for about 6 months. My body just stayed the same weight, like it had settled there. But now, years later, I have gained about 20 lbs and my body seems to have settled here, even though I eat less now than I did then! So your body WILL change and gain when it is ready. Unless you are so thin that your health is at risk, don't stress so much about gaining weight in certain about of time.

natasha, thanks so much for talking to me. this is driving me up the wall and it's awesome to at least be able to talk about it to someone.

i hate posting numbers, but for arguments sake, here it is: I'm 6 feet tall and 123 pounds. i don't mean to trigger anyone, but i don't know if this weight puts my health at risk or not. my therapist seems to think it does and that's why she is SO insistent on me getting up to 130 pounds before we relax on the weight issue. so what do you think? i feel the way you do: I'm CLEARLY taking in enough calories with 2400-2500 so if this is what my body wants to weigh right now, then this is what it will weigh. But i don't know if that's just my ED telling me that. It seems pretty friggin' logical though. what do you think?

thanks for your suggestion on the high-cal foods and fiber and stuff. i'm doing a lot of that. (ie. trail mix and chocolate milk) i'm still trying to eat a decent amount of fruits and veggies in my day, but a lot more potato chips and other high cal foods are getting stuck into my diet, just so i don't have to physically eat so much. (i feel like i'm putting cheese on EVERYTHING and i don't even like it! lol!!) i'm definitely doing the lots of small meals, so i don't have to jam it all in in one big pig out, but still (now that we've added the 400 cal trail mix) I'm pretty full all day. i'm hungry for breakfast and lunch, but for all my snacks, dinner and dessert after that, i feel like i'm eating with a stomach that's still at least 1/2 full. (for God's sake, I wake up in the MORNING with a sticking out/full of food stomach!) and i'm drinking A TON of water (so why am i not going #2?!?)

i don't know, but thanks so much for chatting with me. i hate that i posted the numbers, but what do you think? how "unhealthily" low am i in terms of weight and do you think it's something to freak out about? thanks, sweetie!

Hey again

To me, it doesn't sound like you are at a "dangerous" weight. Yes, you are very tall (a foot taller than me!) and 123 would be thin for someone your height, but you don't sound at a dangerous low weight. AND you are eating. I don't know about the constipation...are you really, really "backed up" (lol)?
You might have to really increase your fiber. I have IBS and sometimes I have to take 6 citracels with 3 full glasses a day just to go. Once in a while I even had to use an (gasp!) enema. All that could be causing your gassy feeling and bloating. Have you talked to your doctor??