Hey everyone xxxx

It's been so long since I've been here, and I'm kind of sad and glad both at the same time(!), sad because I'm still feeling the way I do, and glad because this wonderful place is still here. I'm feeling a little lonely with things at the moment, and I can't seem to talk to anyone at all about how I feel (confused mainly).
I've had anorexia/bulimia for almost 10 years now and I guess I was doing much better for a while, now I feel like I'm just going backwards. I've been back in therapy for almost 5 months and my eating is getting worse again. I got help because I wasn't coping at a normal weight, which helped for a month or so, now I feel like I'm back where I started but even more confused.
I don't feel like I shouldn't be wasting her time because I can't seem to get rid of this, I feel guilty for going in there and not being able to do what she wants me to. I feel much better in myself for seeing her but my behaviours just get worse. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has found this? I feel like I can't win either way.......I'm either too heavy and so so unhappy, or damaging myself and able to cope - yet feeling guilt also for what I'm doing. Just not sure what to do. Surely I should be getting over this by now??! I've had in all about 8 years in therapy, and I'm no closer really to understanding why I always end up back here.
I feel stupid for writing all this, and I probably sound stupid too! I just need to write because my head feels so full and won't let me sleep! Apologies anyway :)

Hi there!
First off, in a strange way, welcome back! I know that sounds kind of weird but I think you know what I mean. And you do not need to apologize for writing and expressig your feelings.
It makes a lot of sense to me what you are saying. God I thought I was reading something I had written in my journal when I read your post. A lot of times I feel like I am wasting my therapist's time and that I should just be able to cope and "get over it". But it's been years of therapy and a couple of years of coping through restricting and I'm not much closer to figuring out what the deal is.
I saw my therapist tonight and we actually talked about stuff that kind of connected to my ED and it made sense. But of course when I came home I went right back to my usual eating habits and continue to obsess and restrict. Not to say that one session is going to cure that but just the point.
I hear ya about not being able to win. I used to be heavy, eat really unhealthy and not care. And now I care too much, exercise a lot and freak out about anything that is remotely fattening. Now I'm ultra skinny and still unhappy. So I don't feel happy either place and finding the happy medium is really hard.
Well, aside from all that babbling I'm hoping you are getting out of it that I can totally relate to you.
Hang in there and take care
Lauren