I just feel like I need to vent somewhere to people who understand. I have gained ten pounds already during the recovery process. Every time I step on the scale, I am heavier and heavier. It's not just water weight.. some of my clothes don't fit any more either. I feel like total crap. Just really, really awful and disgusting. I'm so scared because I am afraid that my setpoint weight will be too high for me to take. And I'm so frustrated because I know that there is nothing I can do about it. If I restrict, I'll just end up sick and having my treatment team suggesting that I need to be in the hospital and then I'll just have to gain all the weight back again. But I just don't feel like I can bear this.

Hey you
I'm so sorry that this is going on! I can totally see where you're coming from. It's a situation that I know I've been in. Having to gain weight back but not being ok with it. In fact, I can kind of relate recently because just this weekend my dietician said that I need to gain weight and we talked about set point weight and how mine is most likely higher than what I'm allowing. So now I'm freaking out. She's also saying that she can't necessarily predict what will happen and of course that makes sense but that whole unpredictability/lack of control is scary.
I can understand your feelings and how it feels like a lose/lose battle. I know that when I got out of the hospital and was having to get used to the way things fit differently and how I felt that it was hard at first. But it does get easier and we do adapt. Just try and tell yourself that your treatment team has your best at heart and they do know what they are doing. It of course seems completely opposite but that's just ED talking.
Hang in there!
Lauren

thanks Lauren. boy is it hard! I am feeling a little bit better today because a little bit of the weight I had gained was water retension from my period (which I'm definitely not used to considering that my period got so light for a couple of months at the beginning of my recovery). I am trying very hard to challenge my negative body image thoughts, but I still don't believe my positive self-talk. One of the therapists in my program said that by fixing my underlying issues, my body image distortions would be repaired. I'm not really buying into that. I just feel like.. if I'm covered in fat, how can I possibly feel good about it? I don't know. But I am eating what I should be. I'm not getting the variety of foods in like I should be (we are not really supposed to be eating the same foods every day, but I am right now), but I am getting in my three meals and a snack every day. Damn, this whole thing sucks, doesn't it? Thanks for replying. I hope you're hanging in there too.