Hello Family,

My fibro, lupus and everything else took a back seat today as I went to the hospital with my compassionman because of his ongoing fight with his health. I just wanted to let you know how he is doing.

His doctor is tremendous, he is such an all rounder and explained all of the test results, scans, MRI, blood tests, etc. that have been done. The thing is the results of the general tests are good, and there is no intense malfunction is his body to acount for all of his horrid symptoms. The doctor was really concerned that there might be brain lesions or such like things going on. All clear there. His thyroid tests were fine too. (Thanks Glojer for your suggestion about this).

He noted that my husband has got steadily worse since he saw him initially, and so he has vowed that he will not give up on him until he gets an answer. He made a suggestion that we obain a book by Professor Trudie Chalder on CFS. Maybe this is in part what is causing compassionman's terrible time over the last 2 1/2 years. We don't know, and the doctor is still trying his best to find out. He even said if the doctors on my island can't sort things out, he will send him to the mainland.

He did say that he admires the way in which my husband has given himself a goal each day to aim for, and that he has still "dragged" himself to work, even though he is totally exhausted physically and mentally. My husband said that if he didn't, he knows he would spend a lot of time in bed, and his life would pass him by.

We have a referral to yet another doctor and I will let you all know the outcome of that, with my husband's permission of course, after his consultation.

His doctor was wonderful. He included me in the consultation and allowed me to say what I knew about fibro, both as a patient and because of being involved with all of my family here, who have educated me in this horrid illness. I told him I didn't know much about CFS, but of course I would work on educating myself and my husband on this.

We have just had tea and cream cakes, a little reward for a stressful day today.

Take care my family.

goldenwings :angel:

My prayers are with you both. I feel bad enough me being sick, and there's not alot that helps, I can only imagine how I'd feel if it were Billy Don and no one knew what was wrong. I have a friend who has CFS. I will try to tell her how to get here in the healthboards, maybe someting she know can somehow help. I wish I knew someting else to say that might make either/both of you feel better. Remember we are all here for you.
April

Oh golden my heart goes out to you and compassionman. Nothing worse than having the one you love not feeling well and you can't help. So glad that the testing looks ok but wish compassionman could feel better. Seems like he is the kind of man that won't give up and will deal with what is happening in his body now and will continue to find a cause. Hugs and love to you both I will think of you often and pray that all will go well.

Love

Glojer

dearest golden and compassionman,
there is much peace in knowing you are in capable hands. the answers will come and the two of you will do this together as you do all things. tea and cream cakes, yum!
i will take my walk now and send energy to my friend compassionman and his lovely wife.
peace and love,
bluelakelady
ps. my auntie has cfs. she leads an active life that allows her to fall on her face from time to time. she is the president of the library and quilters guild in her town. she travels. cfs is alot like fibro. it comes and goes like the tides, only without the predictability. drag on my friend, remember attitude is everything.

Dearest Golden,

My heart goes out to you and I can say that I understand what you are going through. I had no idea your compassionman was sick and there was not a diagnosis yet...it is a rough road. I am not clear on whether compassionman has been diagnosed with CFS or not. In the bigger picture I guess it doesn't matter, since he doesn't feel good, that is the issue.

My hubby was sick with a lot of different ailments that would end up putting him in the hospital from time to time for years. He had so many different symptoms that the docs had no idea what to do. I cannot say it wasn't difficult to go through and it was scary. After every hospital stay, he would be diagnosed with another illness, then, after a while, different symptoms would appear again and we would go on that crazy merry-go-round again. It was very scary to not know what was wrong and then he would end up in Intensive Care fighting for his life. He was finally diagnosed with ? Connective Tissue Disease, Auto-phospho-lipid syndrome, anal ulcers, Diverticulitis and finally SLE lupus and an extreme case of Reynauds Syndrome. My poor, sweet man.

No matter what he was diagnosed with, after he felt somewhat fine he was back to work. So similar to compassionman. My hubby would not feel that he was living his life right unless he was out and about. I do admire his discipline, however, there are times that he needs to rest and he doesn't.

How similar are lives are in that we both have illnesses and our sweethearts do as well. The only thing that matters to us is that we support each other, to me this shows unconditional love. It appears to be that you and compassionman have the same. Right now I feel that we are two lucky gals and they are two lucky men.

I know the feeling of being helpless in the face of a loved one being sick and not knowing what it is. I just had to have faith that all would be well, I prayed alot.

I really do not know what to say except that my prayers are for you and your hubby everyday now and into the future. Keep telling yourself that all will work out someway..this is what gets me and swingman through (blues name for my hubby, which I love). We look back to the past when something difficult is happening and figure since we got through that we can get through whatever life wants to give us.

Take care of yourself and compassionman. Love to you both. God Bless.

Peace and love, Hangin

hangin, honey, you are a peach. i see several couples here who exeplify love. you and goldie for sure!
i was talking to a man in therapy yesterday. i said we pay for all that fun we had when we were young. he laughed and agreed. i said each time some part hurts i simply visit all the fun memories that got me that pain. he stared at me for a minute then he smiled. he was my senior by at least 30 years, and i'm no baby. he was there alone. still doing what strong men do. methinks this look is in the eyes of more than one husband here. neat man.
may all your weekends be filled with gentle moments and long fond looks with those you love.
peace,
bluelakelady

Hi Goldenwings, I hope that your husband feels better soon. He is very blessed to have you for a wife. I don't know what else to say except that you are both in my prayers.
Donna

morning sweet pea,
how you doing goldie? i woke up at 3am and hit the ole computer. got my address book done!!! the stars are amazing. thinking of you and wishing on the stars.
luv ya,
blue

Hiya Blue,

Thank you so much for thinking of me and compassionman. Truth to tell things are a bit fraught at the moment. I personally feel it is because all of the things that have and are going on for both of us. Compassionman is so very depressed and as I am too, it is a difficult thing to balance. We are both walking on eggshells somewhat, and this is not how our relationship normally works.

I have gone headlong into the plunge, and seen my GP about having treatment for my depression. I hope to be able to bring to my darling man what I learn and hopefully together we can emerge from these restrictive bonds that are holding us back from being what we can be. I would never, ever say "to go back to what we once were" because I believe that:-

"We have to go on from where we are and not from where we fondly imagine we might have been if things had been different".

I live by this and when I am called upon to speak to others on their emotional issues whether it is dealing with lupus, fibro, heart problems, MNM or any of the illnesses that I have that they too might be having problems with, this is what I try to give to them, the ability to try and go on and not look back. Or at least I would hope they will gradually think about this. I advise others to try and go forward from where they are now. I too am working towards this goal with the depression issue. I have been wondering, "if", maybe if I had got help sooner, things would be better, if I had given into how I was feeling and talked about it, all these if's but I never ever honestly thought that I was having such a problem as I am obviously having. Thing is Blue, I am going to hopefully sit, listen and learn about myself. Then I hope I can be of help to others.

Today I have sat and I have cried, I am so emotional because I feel I am hitting a brick wall at times. I will freely admit, I have felt so down about myself today, and other days. The thing is though, because I do know how hard it is at times to open up to others, I can undertand how my darling compassionman is feeling and so I will be thre to listen and to sit in his silences when they come - which I find so difficult to do - all in all I hope I can wait until the blackness of his heart and mind lift, and I will be there for him.

To know, Blue, that we are in your heart and mind is truly wondeful. Thank you my friend.

goldenwings :angel:

Hi Golden,

I hope you don't mind my jumping in here. I just want to say that I feel for you and from my post I hope you realize I understand how it is to have two people in love ill, it is very hard.

I think that we always want to be able to fix the other when they are hurting, for me that is where my anxiety and depression can set in big time.

Try not to be to hard on yourself. You are there for compassionman and right now that is what he needs. Keep in mind, you two together are invincible since your armor is love, respect and genuine caring.

Peace and love, Hangin

My Dearest Hangin,

Yes, I do know what insight you have into this. I really feel for you and I know how hard it is for you at times, and so I really, really appreciate your words to me.

Wow, that has just blown me away. My armor is love, respect and genuine caring. I have just read it out to compassionman and he says thank you for caring.

Take time for yourself my friend, and know that I thinking of you and your darling husband.

With all my love and thanks.

goldenwings :angel:

boy goldie, if i could curse here i would tell you what i think about the bodies ability to experience depression. as if life were not plate full enough!
whoever said, silence is golden, did not know the agonizing silence of depression. besides i would not want my golden to be silent, not ever, my dear.
shoulda, woulda, coulda. waste of precious energy and time, girlfriend. nothing you could have done would change the outcome of today for anyone. we simply do not have that much power in another persons mind.
breath sweetie. you and compassionman sit down and make some eye contact. then try a few words and maybe a hand hold. silence does not mend the fences of love.
lecture over, my sweet.
luv you,
blue
ps you hearing me compassionman, my dear old man?

My dear Island Friend, Our friends have said it all and there's nothing
I can add except I really care and I pray the sun will break through the
clouds tomorrow and both of you will feel better. Please don't wait about
going to the doctor for help. God has given reserchers the ability to
discover all kinds of medication to help with depression as well as diabetes,
hypertension, heart disease and all the other ills that attack our bodies.
Remember it's in the valleys of our lives we grow.....nothing much grows on
the mountain tops.....One day you will look at your husband and say, ''just
think, we weathered that storm together.'' Love and prayers from Alabama.
Bilij

Golden, my well is sort of empty these days, but I still have enough love and caring left for you and compassionman to dip your buckets in and fill them up. Always know that I am thinking of you both and know you will come out on the other side. Your love will not allow anything else.

Glojer

Hiya Dearest Bilij,

Thanks for your words. At the moment it is quite hard. No communication. I feel I am showing my hurt too much and so I am finding it so difficult to cope with it all. His way, as I said before, is to be quiet and non-responsive, this I find very difficult and so it goes round and round.

I am hurt because I feel that I am making so much effort and getting nothing back. He said he feels that whatever he says is wrong, so he keep quiet. How can I help him when he feels like this if he won't communicate with me? What am I to do, I feel as though I am not able to take much more of the mental pain at the moment.

So sorry for being on such a downer, this is not me as you know, but I need to come here and talk to someone at least who will listen.

Thanks for being my friend bilij.

goldenwings :angel:

My Dearest Glojer,

I know how much you are going through at the moment, and I am sorry if I am bringing you down in spirit. I just find this all so difficult, as I am not in control.

I will take from your well for both compassionman and myself. Thank you my dearest friend.

I hope your darling husband is doing a bit better, and you too.

goldenwings :angel:

My Dearest Golden,

It sounds like you are going through much in dealing with your own feelings let alone how to deal with compassionman not opening up. Don't ever be sory for how you feel.

IMO, my swingman doesn't open up much when he is going through a particulary bad time. I don't know if it is the male ego or the fact that they do not understand their feelings themselves. Men are not supposed to be frightened and especially not in control. My swingman finds it very difficult to have to admit that he is sick and not able to be superman. He wants to do it all. All we want to do is help them get through this hard time.

We tend to lash out at those we love which is part of the human condition. I know it hurts when you are giving a 110% and getting nothing back. I emphathize and go through it myself. Many times in my life I have tip-toed just like you since I didn't know what else to do. I hate that helpless feeling. I know that pain of being unable to make him feel better. I always tried to tell myself that he doesn't mean to shut me out, he is having a hard time dealing himself. I think the main lesson I have learned it to accept the fact that what was happening is out of my control. Not always easy.

Meanwhile, you are feeling down and out of control which is normal. I have to keep telling myself that "this to shall pass." I went and talked with someone and got some medication that helped. The talking was the best part. Get any kind of help for yourself that you can. This is a difficult thing you are going through and even the strongest of relationships are tested in the sense that not always are the communication channels open. Underneath all this is your compassionman as you know him.

Please let me know if I am overstepping any bounderies. It is important to me that I do no harm or make you upset.

I will pray for you not to have your heart and mind hurt so much.

OK, you are probably sick of me blowing my horn. I care about you girl. I hate to see you suffer. I know that all we can do is give you support you and let you know that we are here and care.

Take care. Bless you and compassionman.

Peace and love, Hangin

Hiya Hangin,

No way are you overstepping any boundaries. I appreciate everything you are saying, because I feel exactly the way you describe it. You are doing me no harm whatsoever, in fact you are doing me so much good by just being there for me, nor are you making me upset.

I think I feel it more because I am my own when he is working. I have no contact with anyone physically so it is hard because I do sit and dwell on what is going on.

I am just so glad that I have somewhere to come and to be able to get things off my chest without feling disloyal to compassionman by speaking about him. I would be so, so lost without you and the rest of my wonderful friends here. Thank you so much.

goldenwings :angel:

Hi Goldenwings,

When you write things such as being alone when he is working, pretty much on your own and do not have a lot of contact with others, that is me in a nut shell. The same as you.

All my love to you girl, hang in there, good to know that words can help and at times heal.

Peace and love, Hangin

Hiya Hangin,

Yes, I do crave human contact. I don't see or hear from a soul from Sunday morning until Thursday Noon, when he is with me. I look out of the window and see people passing by and that is about it.

Wow, I am on the pity pot aren't I? Sorry about that. Thanks for being so understanding.

goldenwings :angel:

Golden you could never bring me down, you always have words of love and caring for me and everyone who comes to you on the boards.

It is a help to me to come here and help someone else and forget about the craziness of my life lately.

I do know human contact is so very important, for those of us who have very little alone time we forget how important it can be. I had five afternoons last week with no one in the house but me and the dog and I so enjoyed it. But that was only a few hours in the afternoon and the phone refused to stop ringing. Many well wishers finding out how my hubby was doing.

I know that you and compassionman will work through this, but in the meantime we will be here for you and I will send love and energy for you both.

Glojer

goldenwings,
Oh, how I feel for you and your husband,(compassionman) my prayers go out to you both as you take on learning about CFS or CFIDS, too.

Do see if tests can be taken for his hormone levels and the immune system, if they haven't been done yet. CFIDS includes adrenal dysfunction which causes a compromised immune system that plays havoc with our entire body.

Also, is there mold or toxin issues at home or work that he or you may know of?

These have been some very interesting findings in my own journey, but, positive as well, since I have been on valid treated for them.

Just thoughts, that may make the journey easier.

I miss having cream cakes, my Nana made them often with tea, too...sounds so good, uvm

I have both FMS and CFIDS, as I have learned walking my own journey.

dearest golden,
do you know what i love about sitting on the pity pot? all the stuff you leave behind when you stand up and flush. you take your time. remember you are just learning how to let your own feelings out. time. it all takes time.
my ex husband and IT both suffer with depression. i walked on egg shells for 29 years. sometimes there is nothing you can do or say. knowing that is very important. sometimes all you can do is make room and get out of the line of fire.
often i think of you as my little sister. i see us as children running thru a field of flowers, laughing and playing. wanna go pick flowers and play in the rain with me? we can chase the falling leaves and catch rain drops in our mouths.
love,
blue

Blue the pity pot analogy is perfect! I love it and yes it takes time but you feel so much better afterwards.

Ukiah, That was great info, gave me something to think about. The mold problems etc.

Golden you and compassionman are in my thoughts everday and I know it takes time but you will work through this. Love to you both.

Glojer

Hiya Blue,

Compassionman actually spoke to me today before going to work, just general "how are you doing" and "see you later", but at least the quiet was broken. I didn't make any reference to the silences, although I wanted to. His hurt is so deep, this I know, and I will have to wait until the time comes when he can let go of some of it and be a little bit more free. Gosh, it is hard though isn't it when all you want to do it make things better?

I took the step to get my own counselling so I could be of help to compassionman and myself. Guess what, there isn't a service at the moment where I live. There is a recruitment drive going on and it could be a month before they - hopefully - manage to employ someone. This is the first step we have to take before being referred on to a therapist I suppose. This is the health service we have in the UK at the moment. I am going to look into going privately and then I can sort something out quicker I hope. I will do what I can though to be of help to compassionman and myself. Nobody said it would be easy though.

Yes please Blue, I want to run in the fields, and pick flowers and feel the rain on my tongue. I would be honoured to call you sister.

Thank you for being here for me.

goldenwings :angel:


My Dear Glojer,

So much for you to be doing for your darling husband and yet you still come here to me and help. I am truly blessed.

I got the "pity pot" expression from my friend who lives in the US. I think it explains very well how we feel at times.

Please take care of yourself. You are a very important person to me.

goldenwings :angel:

Dear Golden, I can feel your hurt across the sea. In fact, you are a
much better person than I would be with the silence. My husband and
I are both very verbal; even after 55 years we often say too much.
Golden, do you have a pastor or priest who you could talk with. Most of
them are schooled in councelling and could be of emotional as well as
Spiritual help. I suppose everyone gets tired of me always referring to
the Bible, but all my life I have found such comfort in the Scriptures.
The 23rd Psalm is so comforting. I think David wrote that when he was
at his lowest point. I hope I'm not imposing my personal befiefs or that
I'm being offensive to anyone. The physical pain we share coping with
fibromyalgia fades in compairsion with mental and emotional pains we face
on life's journey. You have some dear friends here, but you need someone to
to share a cup of tea or an afternoon talking ''girl stuff''. I wish I could be
that person. I love you Goldenwings.
Bilij

hiya goldie,
hooray! another silent "moment" survived. as you know we all must find our way in our way. i am glad you are looking into private help. perhaps in time compassionman will choose to go with you and you can both find your way to peace and healthy communication even in the darkest moments.
my ex husband once went 7 months without speaking a single word to me. i hated it. what i learned later was that there is nothing i did wrong. nothing i did not do enough of. it was his demon and he had to throw it off or nurture it, his choice.
there are only two things in this reality you have absolute control over. your mind and your mouth. so it is important to mind your mouth at all times. those words you wanted to say this morning will not fix anything. let the words join the universe. if he is open to hearing the words, they will come within him.
like you, i hate the silent treatment. however, i will say after living with a screamer for 16 years the silent treatment is easier! no words are better than ugly or thoughtless words.
do you and compassionman talk on the phone during the week?
now, let's go outside and play with raindrops, yum! we will pretend it is spring and the breeze is warm. the air full of warm flowery smells. hey, i can teach you to do a cartwheel!
luv,
blue

hey baby sister,
how are you doing today my goldenwinged friend? i woke up thinking about you and cannot get you out of my mind. my heart is with you.
love,
big sister blue

Golden what an offer, blue will teach you a cartwheel. Can't hardly pass that one up. Just thinking about you and wondering how things are going. I know it is hard when you both have health issues, I'm learning some of that myself right now. My hubby was always the 'well one' in that he didn't have the day to day pain and fatigue. Now all of a sudden he is in the middle of all this chemo and feeling sick and I am the one taking over and can't even think about my pain or discomfort cause it just doesn't compare at the moment.

I know the love you and compassionman share is real and it will sustain you through this. Put faith in yourself and in him and what you feel for each other and just keep the lines of communication open. Yes it is hard to hold back on some things you want to say but like blue says let them pass and they will take care of themselves.

Glojer

Hiya Blue,

I have had trouble accessing the board, but things are ok now. Yes, what fun a cartwheel would be. The mind boggles !! At the moment my head feels as though it is 10 times the size of my body, there is so much going on in there. I have spoken to my husband a couple of times today on the telephone, and again this morning we had a very brief conversation before he again rushed off to work.

I imagine I am at the bottom of a lake. The good thing is the water is clear and as I look up, I can see way, way up high the sun shining and glistening on the water. That is where I want to reach and I know I will in the end.

Thanks for your uplifting messages Blue. Take care.

goldenwings :angel:

Hiya bilij,

Sorry to be late with my reply to your post. I haven't been able to get into the board. All is ok now though.

You know, I think because compassionman and I are so very different this is the reason why we normally get on so well. He is quiet anyway, and I am - well - rather the opposite in that I am very outgoing. I always end up in conversation with someone when we are out shopping or even in a cafe or restaurant. He usually sits and listens and nods in the appropriate places. Now our lives are different, and I must learn about this.

This silence though is one that is loud in its pain. I know the anguish my husband has gone through with different things that have happened in his life, and so I do understand him. He has suffered such emotional pain in his personal life before we met. I would say all of this hurt that is coming now is because of the horrid time that started approximately 3 years ago with the loss of his dear Mother through a sudden onset of ill health that didn't last very long and ended because of heart problems. Her passing was so totally unexpected. Not so long after this was when I had my "out of the blue" first heart attack. He was pulled back to his Mother being in the same position, and was left so very, very scared and upset. Can you imagine sitting in a hospital waiting room to hear whether your loved one is going to come through it? I can't imagine what it must have been like.

Then came my second heart attack and the triple bypass. All this going on and I was having massive flares with lupus as you can imagine. He went through all of this on his own, and it was and still is very hard for us both because we have nobody to turn to when we need support.

So much for him to worry about. It was an horrendous time for him. Can you imagine the impact this had on his life? I know I can't. So this is the man I adore. The strong man, the caring man, the sweet man but above all the man who now is in need of all the help he can get. My day has come and I willingly take on this role.

This is why I feel my dear bilij, that the time has come for him to be true to himself and of course me and open up firstly to me and then to someone who can help about what is in his heart and mind. I am trying to help him come to the decision to seek counselling too. One step at a time. We do not go to church so we don't have a pastor or anyone like that. We don't have immediate family, only a couple of aunts and a cousin on the mainland, many many miles away.

Not even friends, not because we are anti-social in any way, it is just the way of things, only people we know and say hello to. So when we have any type of problem, we are here for each other. This is why it is so hard to be on the outside looking in at the moment for me. This is not the way we are normally.

I know that hopefully time will heal but it is difficult waiting for that time to pass. I will work at this and I will take this time to do whatever I can for my husband and learn from this experience myself.

Thank you for being there for me bilij, your words always lift me up. I would dearly love for you to be able to come to my island for a cup of tea and a slice of cake. I could arrange a wonderful party for all of my family here, wouldn't that be grand?

I would be truly lost without all of my tremendous family here. I bless the day I found you all.

Take care.

goldenwings :angel:

dear golden,
i am a mermaid and i am diving down to you. we will swim to the sun together. i will touch you with my magic tail and you will turn into a mermaid too. the sun is there beckoning you to come to her warmth and light. it is good that your water is clear as you gaze up. means your eyes and mind are open.
how do the phone conversations feel?
luv,
blue

Hello My Dear Friend Blue,

I thought this too, about the water being clear. It is a good sign. Yes, to be a mermaid with you would be so good. Maybe we could use our tails to flick the limpet like creatures that would come and stay and irritiate the heck out of us away.

We could find new meaning to things, and answers to questions beneath this water, and emerge with all of the peace, calm and understanding that will help us through all of this. I am gazing into the dappled sunlight that reflects on this water Blue, and knowing with you by my side the only place I can go is up to greet it. What a thing to aim for. Yes.

The telephone calls are ok. I say "How are you doing" "What is your workload like tonight" "Be careful on the way home, the weather is diabolical, with heavy rain and winds". That type of thing. Normal things really. The face to face contact is rather strained, but not in an angry way, in a self-conscious sort of way. Like meeting someone for the first time. Conscious of what I am saying and watching that I don't say the wrong thing. That, I feel, is more to do with me than compassionman though. I am not used to having to think about what I say, so this is a bit of a strain on me.

Thank you for taking me to another world, where I can dream.

Oh my, I have just received a message from a lovely lady who lives in Norway who I have contact with only infrequently. She has lupus and I give her the best support I can emotionally. She has just said she wishes she was like me - courageous and calm. Wow, Blue I must be dong something right for others. I must get my head round doing it for myself.

Take care my friend.

goldenwings :angel:

ah goldie, no truer words are spoken. what you do for others you can do for yourself too.
in time you will find choosing your words will come naturally. like you i am yucky barf uncomfortable with eggshell conversations. i have found i can say the words i want to if i deliver them in a comforting tone. honesty without need.
let's swim over to those shrimp and see if they want to play. here comes an octopus to give us a big wrap around hug. oh! did you see that lovely gold and blue dolphin? a friend to guide us on our journey beneath.
luv,
blue

My Dearest Blue,

I can touch halfway to that shimmering dappled sunshine on the top of the water. I got hugs twice today and warm words. I just said "I understand". No more needed to be said. Then a quick few words to say that he had felt awful last week, so very down. "I know". I managed to hold back the tears though until my compassionman had left the room.

Early days, but a good sign.

Take care my friend.

goldenwings :angel:

well done little sister, well done! sometimes a hug and a simple i understand are the world to another. invite him to come swim with us. there is a lovely purple dolphin just waiting to frolic with our beloved compassionman. gift him with three hugs from his bluelakelady. one for love, one for understanding, and one for tomorrow.
today is a lovely autumn day. sunshine and a warm breeze. my world is filled with colors dropping gently to earth. puddles form under trees. like pools of paint, bright autumn colors dapple the mountains and shoreline. shall we have tea under that bright crimson tree?
peace, love and three hugs for you,
bluelakelady
ps love chases pain away.

My Dear Blue,

More good thing have happened this afternoon. Compassionman did say he felt a bit brighter. He went out to do some little bits of shopping for dinner. We have a workman in at the moment so things are a bit of a mess, so quick easy meals are on the menu.

When he came back, I was sat in the lounge at the front of the house and when he came home he went straight into the back part of the house to use the pc, or so I guessed. Certainly not to go into the kitchen hee hee !! Well, I heard the most beautiful music and voices coming from the back room. Wow, Compassionman had also visited the CD stand at the local supermarket and bought me the latest disc of my favourite singers - Il Divo.

Well I was totally taken aback by this. Not for the fact that he had bought it for me, but because he has been so down lately and things have been difficult. Of course, I did actually weep a little at this, and I said that I found it so hard not knowing what to do when he is so very down. He said "my darling girl, that is just the way I too feel when you are in the dark place that you visit sometimes". We hugged and I know things will get better bit by bit.

Oh, Blue the air in my home is different, not nearly as much heaviness and I am learning that leaving him be for a while is the best way to go. You know Blue, I never thought of my own bouts of depression having the same effect on him, I thought I hid them well because I normally say I am doing ok. Guess I don't get away with it hey? Compassionman thanks you for his 3 hugs and returns them with so much love. His dolphin will do him the world of good too.

Thank you for being so understanding and making me aware of the way of things.

goldenwings :angel:

Hi Golden,

I was happy to read that there was sunshine in your home. Time does help and as you can see the understanding between 2 people is not so simple. I never see myself the way that my sweetheart sees me, and visa-versa..

Good to hear you smile.

Peace and love, Hangin

Golden so glad to hear compassionman is feeling better. I know you now feel better cause when our other half is not themselves we are lost also. Time will take care of things, and soft touches and gentle hugs without words speak volumes.

All my love to you and compassionman and sweet gentle hugs.

Glojer

dearest golden girlfriend,
how was your weekend? i thought of you both often as i worked my fanny off helping brother create my work space for my new computer. it is lovely and i am not. i am pooped out and it showes, giggle. must be those shopping bags under my eyes. they always sag when they are empty, tee hee!
my new work space is painted a soft red with lavendar trim. brother is a cabinet maker and created a new desk top and a shelf for my telly. it is not done as there are more shelves to figure out. i want cubby's for all the paper that i have to hang on to.
we planted our first tree. a eucalyptis (sp?) i love the smell. one day it will be 70 feet tall. we decided to plant a forest on our property. less work and a lovely place to walk each day.
so, what did you do this weekend? how are you feeling?
love to you and compassionman, buckets of love!
peace,
bluelakelady

Planting trees and building desks, I am so proud of you blue. That is all hard work but I'm sure you will have so much satisfaction when you sit at your beautiful lavender and red desk to give us all your great advice and experiences.

Gloden how are you and compassionman? I hope all is well and the gentle touches and soft hugs were plenty this weekend. Love to you both.

Glojer

Hiya Blue,

The fibro devils from hell has decided to visit me, they are sitting here on my shoulders and digging their prongs of fire into my neck and head. They sure are practising their kicking today in my back. They won't get me though before I reply to you.

Emotionally though, not three bad at the moment thank you. Little strained on a couple of occasions, the type of quiet, inside himself strain that my darling man goes through. I am working on it, as indeed compassionman is. You know Blue, whenever I tell him that you or one of our other family members has asked about him, he glows and it really makes his day.

Compassionman cooked dinner on Friday night, no prompting just did it. I had asked him earlier on in the day what he wanted to eat, he made a suggestion of healthy-ish foods and I agreed and next thing smellls of cooking coming from the kitchen. We normally go out a lot but I thought it would be a change to sit together at home and eat. It was good, food wise and also just being the two of us.

I am still waiting for my consultation for my depression, but I am trying to fill my time with positive things and thoughts. Bought another painting on Saturday. I have told our local artist that I would be so rich in a few years time, when she becomes so very famous hee hee !!

I have been really busy today working on the pc on different aspects of my support work, I think this is why the fibro devils have come to visit. I'll confuse them soon though, I will slink off here and make myself a lovely cup of tea and do some gentle shoulders and back exercises.

Oh, compassionman has just rung me, very excited and told me that there had been a sighting - rare for here - of a dolphin in the harbour near where he works. Blue, was that you sending me a sign of your closeness? Is my family reaching out to me from other parts of the world? I think so, I feel so.

Take care.

goldenwings :angel:

dearest golden,
i only make wishes. it is mother nature who grants wishes and makes them real. she is telling our compassionman he is not alone when he goes deep within. he is never alone. he thinks he is. he thinks when he is in that barren wasteland of depression that he is the sole survivor in a black hole. i think you may also identify with these emotions. we are never alone, no matter where our minds travel. within us is a universe filled with earth energy. that creative force is always at our side. you have only to go outside and be in the sun to know. between sun and earth is your shadow. proof you are never alone.
i am going to go outside and thank our planet for sending a lovely messenger to you both. the first rains left my little slice of earth blushing green. great puddles of color on the ground. flurries of leaves on the gentle breeze. soft sun and a few high clouds drifting by.
sunshine melts the pain. i am sending you sun rays to warm your pain away.
love,
bluelakelady

A dolphin, oh golden tell compassionman how lucky he is to have seen such a beautiful sight. At least I hope he saw it. Quiet time is sometimes very good as long as it doesn't take people too far apart.

Have you ever noticed that several people can be in a room together and all of them talking and it can be the loneliest place ever. No one is listening and no one cares.

But two people who love each other deeply can sit quietly and not speak for hours or say anything meaningful for days and they can be the happiest most fulfilled couple ever. Funny how that works.

You and compassionman will always share something special you will never be lonely.

It is wonderful how you share with others on the internet and help people, it speaks volumns about who you are. We feel so grateful to have you helping us.

Hope those exercises help your fibro, I know about the neck and shoulder pain. I have to do my own little fibro dance for my shoulders and neck once in awhile.

Glojer

hiya goldie,
today is your turn. woke up thinking about you. how are you feeling? is our compassionman lovin his ride on his dolphin?
yesterday i was taking a rest on my bed and this little flash of light kept crossing my closed eyelids. since i have no crystals hanging in this area i opened my eyes to try and figure out where the light was coming from. it was coming from a tiny wind chime i have with a purple dolphin to catch the wind. thought of my dear friend compassionman instantly and felt healing energy and love leaving me, going into the light of the dolphin and shooting out the other side to him.
then my thoughts turned to you and glojer and hangin and all your dear men. suddenly the dolphin spun, no breeze mind you, and threw circles of light. i knew the energy was racing toward all of you and i fell to sleep.
love,
blue

Fabulous Blue, we are so fortunate to have you share your gift with us. Thank you! You have such strength and are so generous to share it with us.

Goldenwings how are you and compassionman feeling, good I hope.

Glojer

it is my pleasure and honor to be able to share this gift with you all. it is i who must thank you. for allowing me into your life and heart.
love,
blue

Hiya everyone,

Things not too bad at the moment emotionally for my darling man and so I can think of my impending treatment for my depression. Physically I am not so good, fibro aches and lupus caused infections and inflammation, but I wanted to let you know not to worry.

I think this is very fitting for all of you, as I thank you all for being there for me and also my compassionman. "Gratitude is the heart's memory". It's so true.

Take care my family.

goldenwings :angel:

Always thinking of you both and sending all the healing I can to you both. Let's hope the 'boo...boos' go away soon.

I loved that saying golden thanks.

Glojer

Goldenwings,

Just wanted to let you know that I am think about you and compassionman daily.....you two are weathering a tough storm and getting through it.

Take care of yourself. It seems that after we are up against something tough our bodies relax a little and then anything waiting in the wings pokes its ugly head in. Hopefully your aches and pains will not be around long. You deserve a gentle reprieve.

Bless you both. You will be stronger because of this. As you probably know.

Blue, I love your giving and insite into what is happening around you. You do not have a selfish bone in your body. We are blessed to have you. You care so much for others, one of the greatest things a person can do is love those around us unconditionally. You help so many of us know that there is beauty in the face of adversity. Your energy is boundless. Thank you.

Peace and love, Hangin

dear hangin,
your words humble me. thank you. today was the perfect day for driving too many miles. autumn colors around ever bend. sweeping mountains of orange and red, yellow and lime. acres of pears turning red. vineyards all gone purple and crimson.
i logged 130miles on my aching rear end. poor tushie. but the views, oh the views. who cares if there is a doctors appt at the end of the journey. it's the journey that is breathtaking.
my headshrinker is taking a year off. today was my almost last visit, one more next month. i offered to stay in contact via email just as friends. i doubt i will resume therapy with anyone. we agree i have learned all they have to teach me. a good friendship has been forged over the past 7 years. it will be nice to see the evolution of friendship without therapy.
golden old girl, you will be so ready when you start. i know i was. sure a little trepadation, normal. mostly it was the anticipation of having my head screwed on straight that lured me in, eyes wide open. there were times when the journey was revealing in ways i found difficult. looking in the mirror can be hard especially when the mirror faces back in time. i once was a woman i found no joy in being.
we all know what a silly giggle butt i am now! it's amazing what i found under all those years of clutter. me. the me i always knew i could be, and the new tools to make her breath. looking in the mirror now is cool. a lovely wrinkled lady smiles back. she sorta looks like me, only older, giggle, giggle, giggle!!
luv and peace,
bluelakelady

morning sweet pea,
how are you doing today my goldenwinged girlfriend? your weekend has begun. compassionman is home with his dolphin eyes. look into his eyes for me. what do you see?
warm hugs and soft looks, gentle words of conversations old and new, a sunset to share, a breeze to smell autumn leaves on, these are my gifts to you both this weekend.
love and peace,
bluelakelady

How beautiful your drive was blue and how nice you shared it with us. Goldenwings and compassionman are truely blessed to have each other and to have a caring bluelakelady helping them with your words of encouragement from your life experiences.

Our leaves are turning all brown and most have fallen to the ground. We have had the first hard freeze and the wind has told us of his power. I will think of your beautiful autumn colors and the ones we have just lost as I relax today and take some long slow deep breaths, oh what a beautiful sight.

Glojer

hiya goldie,
how was your weekend? and you glojer? i worked my fanny off. today i get to pay for all that hard work as i smile and survey all that was done. i now have a closet that does not resemble a disaster zone, yipee! thanks to brother i now have shelves for my winter sweaters and such. i also have a little shelf (that i painted with flowers) attached to the wall in my computer cubby for my lamp. typing in the dark was fun, but hey, all silly things come to an end, right?
it takes a special ability to end up with as many bruises and booboos as i have, giggle. we planted another tree. a liquid amber.
peace,
bluelakelady

Blue I am so proud of you and all the things you are doing to fix and make your new home your own. A few bruises and boo...boos are worth it. I am happy for you and brother that you have this warm and loving place to spend so many peaceful and fun hours.

Speaking of aches and pains (sort of) I went to exercise class this morning, first time in many weeks. Tomorrows aches and pains will be worth it though if I can keep it up. My schedule has been a little full lately.....you know!

Golden how are you and compassionman doing. I have two english speaking ladies in my exercise class, when I hear them chatting I always think of you.

Glojer

giggle, i watch bbc news just so i can hear "goldens" voice. i love the music of voices saying the same thing so differently.
good for you glojer. after all the daily stress you needed a good workout. tomorrow will be filled with yummie pain. i swim tomorrow. you know who my imaginary friends are in the pool, right?
a bunch of mermaids and some dolphins.
sweet dreams,
bluelakelady

Boy....oh....boy I needed those dolphins and mermaids today. My muscles are so sore, they always are when I have been away from exercise for several weeks. I know I should start again with the lowest weights but I just feel like that would be such a waste of time. Anyway it is a good hurt.....my aunt use to say that all the time.

Tomorrow will be pie baking I hope I can lift my arms by then.....tee....heee!

Glojer

gentle greetings golden,
how are you feeling today. you are my wake up girl. i seem to wake up thinking about you often. today, there you were. you are a nice person to wake up with.
today i am going to make a pretend world. this world is an ocean of air filled with colored leaves swirling. dolphins and whales leap from the colors. black and white, silver and grey. the sun shines thru the leaves sending glowing rays of red, orange, yellow, brown, green. ah, and the bluest sky above.
shall we have another play day away from pain and our reality?
love you more,
bluelakelady

My Dear Blue,

Sorry I haven't been around lately. For a full week now I have had really bad breathing problems, and - excuse my saying this - but extreme vomiting, but not of food. It all started when I was out last weekend and couldn't get my breath properly because of asthma and the cold hitting. I do have gastro problems but this came on so quickly that I am convinced the cold weathr started it off. This along with fibro and lupus having a good time in my body, has made me a little delicate to say the least. Never mind, I will soldier on hee hee !!

I have been reading through all of the posts and I have been swimming and leaping out of the water with you and the girls and the dolphins. I was two thirds of the way to breaking the top of the water to reach for the sun last week, I have slipped back a bit but those dolphins and whales and the rays of superb colours are pulling me upwards once again. I need to reach out there as Compassionman and I are at a bit of a standstill regarding moving forward with our emotional issues. We were ready and prepared, now red tape is binding us in a place we don't want to be.

I have missed the words, and feelings of support of my wonderful family here. The words of wisdom and encouragement have been in my mind, but have been dulled somewhat by circumstances beyond my control.

I need to play now. Blue, Glojer, Billij, Hangin and the rest of my supportive family come play with me. I've missed you all so much.

Take care.

goldenwings :angel:

here i am, here i am! you got it going at one end and i have it at the other. what a pair we make!! poor loo! giggle.
since red tape is slowing you both down how about i gift you with a first lesson for each of you to do?
write down all the things you appreciate about each other, in private. then trade papers and read, alone. then come together and share your feelings about what you each have read. take turns talking, use a kitchen timer and each take 10 minutes, uninterrupted, to speak. the other practices listening instead of forming responses.
for now let's play and play and play. i want to play make believe. today i am making believe we are all in the same place together and we all feel great. all our parts work, especially our smiles and laughs.
shall we race to the oceans edge and swim way, way out till we cannot see land? here come the baby whales. on their way south for the winter months with mom and dad at their side. how trusting the parents are to let us rub up against the babies. see the curiosity in their eyes? what are they mom? they don't look like fish. they don't smell like fish (lucky us!), what are they mom?
we must turn into mermaids and head for warm waters with our whale family. are you with me?! somewhere south of here is a front porch with our dear friend who does not swim. we must find her, she has our drinks ready.
many hugs and much love, deep breaths and chosen words, healing and peace,
bluelakelady

Thinking of you both today golden, and sending healing thoughts to you both. I will be waiting on the porch with some wonderful things to sip for you all.

Glojer

Good friends are like antiques; they grow more precious with time.
i don't know about you, goldie and glojer, but i qualify as an antique! giggles!
this quote was at the end of an email my mom sent me. as soon as i saw it i knew i had to share it with you both.
love,
blue

Antique, I like that word! Sounds a little better than just plain old. And I agree friends do grow more precious with time. Today was my best friends birthday, we have been friends since high school (a lot of years) and it was nice to sit in her kitchen and watch her laugh at the silly card and be thrilled over the butterfinger candy bar and cheetos I took her.

I imagine that with you and golden, sitting on our porch after you guys have a swim and just enjoying the fact that we can share with each other and that we can just BE!

love ya

Glojer

Hello my family,

I am so sorry that I keep on going AWOL. Things are going much bettr with compassionman at the moment. He seems to have perked up some, and he is not as down - at least it seems to me - emotionally.

I'm going to be quite blunt now because there is no other way for me to word this but I have a bowel infection at the moment, so I am a bit unwell. The sickness I was having was a warning signal for me, guess I missed it with everything else going on, I didn't connect the two. My breathing has improved greatly though, so grateful for small mercies hey !!

I have a few words that I would like to give to you all, because as I have read the posts enquiring after the welfare of my darling man and myself, and the posts for darling Glojer and her braveman I am struck by the total selfless love and support that is given here:-

GIVING IN ITS PUREST FORM EXPECTS NOTHING IN RETURN

I accept all of the love you all give to me and my compassionman, and I know even if I can't be here for a while every so often, you all know that I love you.

Take care.

goldenwings :angel:

ouch! i am so sorry for you and your poor bum. go back to bed now and rest. drink your fluids like a good girl. every 2 hours take a dose of blue with tea or water and soon you will be well, giggle.
love,
blue

hi girlfriend,
within these words there is a thread of pure golden healing. from me to you. you weave it into what you need today. know that i love you and understand if you cannot write for a bit. when you can, i and the rest of you loving family will be here.
today i am taking you with glojer and the rest of the fam for a swim. more whales are migrating and have offered to give rides to us all. imagination. where would we be without the ability to run away within our own minds? a sanctuary within the pain where pain cannot reach.
love you old girl,
bluelakelady

My Dearest Friend Blue,

Where would I be without you love? I have been having nosebleeds for two days, really heavy. I have discovered this and the bowel problems are all part of my vasculitis. I never connected any of this to this problem, but at least now I can take the appropriate action - upping the steroids again, but needs must. I just feel very tired, and don't have the push at the moment.

I need the lapping waves over me at the moment and the ride on the whale. To be borne along would be heaven. To be calm is what I crave. Although my head has broken the surface of the water just lately Blue, and I got to see the sunshine for real.

I imagine what you look like and I can see you waiting for me to come through once again. I love you and I thank you for being here for me.

goldenwings :angel:

hi girlfriend,
i am watching the sunrise thru peach colored fog and thinking of you. i am sorry you are having such a rough time.
to see the sunshine, even for a moment, counts. your proof that it is there and that you can reach it. swim girlfriend, swim!
now i understand why i had such alot of pain in the nose region of my face yesterday. poor girlfriend. if it ain't one thing it's another. i am relieved you know what it is and what to do.
come sail away with me. a lovely silver whale has come to compliment your golden countenance. she will take you to warm waters where gentle breezes wash over your body chasing the pain away. the salt of the ocean offers herself in healing to you.
i love you too old girl, ever so much,
blue

Dear Blue and Golden, I am so touched by the friendship the two of
you have forged on this board. I can only imagine what it would be like
if you were neighbors. I am mystified by the power of words and how they
touch the very soul of our being. You both share words of wisdom to all of
us, but your friendship is unique. Swim on my friends, ride the waves in your
colored attire, star gaze on a clear blue night, catch the ocean breeze at sunrise
as the blue and gold mingle in the eastern sky, be as light as a feather and
free from pain and the cares that so easily beset us all.
May God bless you both.
Bilij

dearest bilij,
your words brought tears to my eyes. thank you for being the insightful woman that you are. thank you for being my friend. you come play with us too. we can never have too many friends, yes?
golden and i are neighbors. neighbors in the best neighborhood. the neighborhood of the heart. in this neighborhood there are homes for all of us.
peace on earth, and love, gentle caring love,
bluelakelady

Good afternoon all, well I guess it is still legitmately morning. I have been up and about for so long it seems like it should be afternoon. Bilij your words were pure magic, you and blue have a wonderful way of describing things.

Golden, oh my I will keep praying that all will be well with you soon. I had the bad nosebleeds when I was around 17 or 18 yrs. old, use to have 4 or 5 a day. I now think they had something to do with lupus and or the antiphospholipid thing I have going on. But you would know all too well about that. Steroids are wonderful hope they do the trick for you.

I will sail through the skys and sprinkle healing golden dust over your cottage so that you and compassionman will begin to feel better. Wrap yourself in the warmth of friendship and love that we all have for you and let the healing begin.

We will hear from you when you are feeling better and will miss you until then.

Much love

Glojer

goldie old girl we are having the best storm right now. winds and pouring rain that smells so good. i get to go out in it later. i love driving in scary weather. gives me a rush, giggle.
for you today i am a small bird flying across the lands and ocean to light on your window ledge. i bring healing, love, laughter and joy with my smiling beak and shining feathers. come fly away with me.
love,
blue

Hi golden, did you see me this morning. I was on blues whale and I went flying out of the water and through the skys to your lovely island and cottage and sprinkled healing golden dust over you. Such a wonderful fantasy to be able to go places in your mind to help others and get away.

Hope you are doing better, love to you and compassionman

Glojer

morning goldie,
our compassionman is home for the weekend. i feel better knowing he is there when you are really sick. i do not expect a reply, so you just rest up and get better. today we are taking you to the imaginary ocean of my health club. daughter and i are going flying on our dolphins. come away with us. i want you to meet my daughter. she was just diagnosed with fms and cmp. so i am taking her to the land of warm healing water where her deepest core of cold will be warmed.
i hope you are feeling well enough to pop your lovely face out the front door for a bit of fresh air. weather permitting.
much love,
bluelakelady

Hi Golden,

So sorry to hear that you are not feeling well.

I just wanted to say "HI" and wish you and compassionman a wonderful weekend. IT is good that you have each other.

No need to respond as others have said. Bless you and compassionman, enjoy your weekend.

Peace and love, Hangin

I also want to say hello to all those who are new to the board. You do add so much. We can only learn more from each other. New ideas are invaluable.

Dearest Blue,

That black cloud has descended on me again. Oh, I long for time when it will go away and not come back. I try not to let it fill me up, but sometimes the fight is lost. I am so sorry that my posts lately have been so few, and when I do post I am full of self.

I am so totally amazed about the collared dove. My familiar wild bird that I always say follows me around. Whenever I go anywhere new maybe on vacation or when I moved house the last time, the first bird to greet me on my first sight of the garden was a dove.

I know it was there to greet you for a reason, and I am sure that the love and care you bestowed on that bird felt it's way into my heart. I so need all I can get at the moment.

Take care.

goldenwings :angel:

dearest golden,
for now the cloud is an aspect of your reality. in time you will learn to dance around that cloud and blow great breaths of sunshine thru it creating your path to the blue skies and freedom from emotional pain.
i know right now it seems so huge you do not know if the sun is even still there. it is my friend. i promise.
oh, if i had the power to heal minds the wonders i would perform. alas i do not. that healing is a personal journey we must embark upon with loving support yet ultimatly alone. for it is only we who know the darkest recesses of our mind and what is in there.
as for your posts being full of self, well sister, it's your turn! we all take our turn being fragil and needing our friends. you have only to remember all the times you have uplifted others here to know that we all must take our turn being strong and being fragil.
depression is like being in the center of a black hole. within the reality is so dark and dense as to eat the bits of light that do get in. your past has shown you that in time you will surface. rely on that knowledge to get you thru this episode.
so, the dove is your bird. makes perfect sense. i saw in her eyes a look of not knowing me yet choosing to trust me. trust is so vital to our sanity and balance. i have no doubt i will see her again. now i know what her name is, goldenwings. she is unique and lovely; light, yet powerful enough to fly. that's you girlfriend!
i woke up early this am in a mountain of pain. i woke up knowing i had to turn on my computer. i knew you had posted. i felt something was needed, so here i am at 5 am with a dark, quiet, frozen world for company, visiting with you my dear old girl.
does this current darkness belong solely to you or is compassionman involved? is he in a position to be supportive? if so, please consider speaking gently, yet frankly about what is inside you. if it is his darkness you are a part of take a long slow breath and remember support is all you can offer. answers must be sought alone and/or with a trained guide of the mind.
one of the best books i read was "the art of happiness" by the current dahli lama. another is "being peace" by thick nat han. both those books opened a door for me. when i realized happiness was a choice not a goal i found it. when i understood, really understood, that i and i alone dictate my joy i found my ability to feel, see, touch, smell and love with pure intent.
depression is not a choice. it is an overload of chemicles and hormones working disfunctionally. too much of this, not enough of that. are you able to take antidepressants? i do not remember, do you take anything?
today i will look for you in the wings of a lovely dove. like you she is so pretty. like you she is learning to trust. i am honored and humbled.
i send you and ocean of love, a breeze of clarity, the smell of lavendar roses, and brilliant blue skies to soar in.
love,
bluelakelady

Good morning,

How are you today Golden. I hope you are finding some peace in that big heart of yours.

Blue, the books by the Dalai Lama are the best books I have read. THey are written so the lay man can understand them. A book that changed my life by him is The Wisdom of Forgiveness...He is a wise and holy man. THere are certain people that speak to you and the Dalai Lama speaks to me. I had the honor of meeting him since my brothers have been Tibetan Buddhists for 30 years. THe Dalai Lama doesn't just speak about Buddhism, he speaks about life.

Golden, I went through bouts of depression and the last one was a dousy. Time was a big healer for me and I was also able to take medication for a while. As my sweet father would say "Dig Deep". He was so wise and I miss him.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. Remember, we all love you.

Peace and Love, Hangin

hi hangin,
thanks for spelling it right for me. i knew i was spelling it wrong, but gave up in order to say what i wanted to. i have read the wisdom of forgivness.
his holiness was in my area last week. i could feel the shift in the energy from across the lake. then someone told me he was here, and i understood the shift. it felt so good. pure and simple waves of energy.
and are you a woman gifted with gentle brothers? i bet you are.
time to crash out now.
sweet dreams and peace,
bluelakelady

Greetings my golden friend. I could not say anything better than blue and hangin have. I can only say that it is alright for you to think of you. That is how healing begins to think of ourselves and realize we need to do something. You have helped me and so many others that to support you now is such a priviledge, it is an honor for me.

You and compassionman are always in my thoughts and prayers. Take time to heal all of you, don't worry about responding. We will always be here to lift you up whenever you need it.

Love

Glojer

morning golden girlfriend,
thinking of you so here i am, giggle. i keep thinking of a sentence from a song. "on the wings of a snow white dove . . ." can't remember the next line. something about sending pure love. i have the oddest feeling i will be singing that snatch of song all day and be with you. i like hanging out with you.
today is my last day seeing my head shrinker. graduation day! i bought a very soft velvet (purple) jacket to wear with a dark purple turtleneck and denims. 9 years of remodeling my house within. it has been worth every hour, every time i have stepped away to think thru a situation before responding, every stumbling use of my new tools, brining me to today, graduation day. now i have the tools i require to finish my living with vivacious delight and one strong will with very finite boundaries.
brother had a rough day yesterday. he wanted to drink. he has almost 2 years sober. needless to say he was not especially fun to be around. he chose on 2 occasions to say something hurtful. i asked him the first time what he meant by the sound he made. got his attention. we talked about the reason for his unrest. thought we were doing okay till last night he sent another zinger so i went to my room. best thing to do is leave when dryness wants a drink. he made it thru the day! he came to my room to say he was sorry. i accepted his words, then started crying and told him i wanted my brother to come back and for the bad man in his body to go away. the bad man makes me afraid and i told brother that. we hugged. another sucessful day completed without alcohol.
time for me to think about presenting my shrink with a body that smells decent. i do love a hot shower.
i'm thinkin of you sweet pea, thinking good thoughts, thinking sunshine and soft breezes, sending you doves filled with love in their eyes.
peace and love,
blue

My Dear Blue,

I am sat here and feeling full of woe is me again. Then I read your post, and I feel that the golden threads that bind us are getting stronger. No matter how down I feel, I read your words and know there is so much hurt and pain in the world of our family here.

I think my problem is that I have never given myself a lot of "me" time and it feels odd, that I have to apologise when doing so. I know I should stop doing this. Because I am still covered by this blanker of despair, it is affecting my ability to look forward, and I am glad that compassionman is away now at work, because we have had a very rough time over the weekend. Both of us in dark and heartbreaking places and this is not the way we want to be. Neither of us have had any offer of help yet, so this is very difficult.

I am so peased that after your sad and hurtful time yesterday, you came through by explaining the way you feel to you brother. He has a strong spirit too, to be able to apologise for his acts - ok after they have happened we are tempted to ask "why anyway" - but for him to be able to see your hurt is truly a warming thought.

I decided to go out into the garden yesterday evening and what was there brought tears to my eyes, not the normal ones I have been crying, but tears of joy and imagination knowing that you are here for me., There was a collared dove - she was the palest of pale greys with very sparkly eyes, I can see this because I use my field glasses to see up close - on the first tier of garden, eating bits of everything that was available. She looked at me and then flew off into a large tree on the upper level. She didn't sit for long as another one flew onto the same branch and she flew away. Wow !!

"9 years of remodelling my house within". Blue, the wisdom and knowledge you have has I know been helped so much by having this time with those who can be of assistance on your journey of life. I too hope that my time will come when I can say "Blue told me this would happen to me".

Anyway, this is the most I have said for a while and I feel that I am going to disolve in tears again. What am I like hey ?? Thanks for your support, love and understanding. Give my love to your brother and know you are both in my heart.

Take care.

goldenwings :angel:

Golden thought of you and compassionman as I started my day today. Hoping you both will find a peace within you that passes all understanding. Think of yourself and look inside of yourself and your feelings and don't try to hide them, let them out.

Remember there are always people thinking of you and praying for only the best for you both.

Love

Glojer

My Island Friend, I wish I were wiser and knew you in the real
world. Golden, you need more people in your daily life there on
your island. You need friends you trust completely , ones who
listen and share . We're your friends here on the board, but friends
with the ''human touch'' is priceless. They are in the real world.
We all have a dark side regardless of how happy and well adjusted we
might seem to others. When we are prone to depression, that dark side
looms over us just waiting to pounce on our every thought. The
powers of darkness magnify every hurt, dissapointment, failure and
unfulfilled dream we have. This evil power trys to destroy everything
that is good and joyous in our lives. There is an old Indian proverb that
says, ''within our breast are two bears, one of light the other of darkness,
they war within our being.'' Sometimes we need help to overcome the
darkness. Medication, counseling and friends to let the light return and
joy overtake the sadness. I don't believe you can help your husband until
you help Goldenwings. Don't wait, get help now. Do whatever it takes to
see a doctor who understands clinical depression.
I pray you will take these words in the spirit they were written...out of love
and concern.
Bilij

Der Bilij and Glojer,

Thank you so much for your words of comfort. Sorry Glojer I missed your birthday, but I felt the laughter and warmth. I am pleased tht braveman was able to be with you and stick it out for a while. I have just read your story of your Mum and the Christmas tree. Family is something we all need, I have my compassionman and I have all of you here.

Bilij, I would dearly love to have friends in the flesh that I could call on when I need them. Unfortunately, I have nobody like that. I know people to say hello to and to pass the time of day with, but the one thing I would like is to have sombody to just be with at times and to have a chat and a cup of tea with every so often. It must be wonderful to have this. This is why I spend so much time on my own, and without all of my family here I would truly be lost.

It's not because I am anti-social or anything like that. Because of the way my husband's work schedule is, and the travelling involved and so on, we only have two and a bit days together. On the evening we don't have time to go out socialising and even though we would love to, it's something we can't fit into everything else that has to be done. As I can't drive and I need help to get about, we go out shopping on these days and do all of the things that have to be done. As you know there is always something that comes up tht needs to be sored out.

I never had children unfortunately so I don't have family either. I never got to go on the school run and meet other Mum's and strike up friendships that way. Having said that though my husband is my best friend and although I don't live my life through him, I know if I need him to be there he will be.

Take care ladies, and have a warm and snuggled night tonight.

goldenwings :angel:

Hi Golden,

Like you I never had children and the family that I have live 7 hours away by car. It is my husband and I. I have no friends I could call to come over and just visit. I am a very social being but the older I get the harder it is to make friends that I can truly relate to. I understand what you are going through in this sense.

WHen I am depressed all of this is manifested in a much larger way and it can be overwhelming. The only thing that has helped me when I was in a major funk was therapy, medication and my spirituality. The spirituality above all made me feel less alone. It may not seem that this is true now but I believe that the answer to suffering will always be an experience of grace and love.

I hope I have not brought you down more. I just wanted to let you know that there are others that are like you and you are not alone in the way your life is. I know it makes me feel better when there are others out there living in the same situation as I am and at times feeling the same way.

Try and get help as soon as you can. I know the system in the UK can lead one to wait for a long time, perhaps some books on inspiration can help. I am not a pro, just reaching for something that might help you through this difficult time. Start by doing what is necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

I am also a big cryer and have always felt that it was ok since my mind and body and heart were in unison. I know that some of us feel weak when we cry, I have always loved the saying "Tears are like blood in the wounds of the soul". Heavy I know, and powerful words.

Take care my dear, treat yourself like the precious being that you are. Have patience with yourself.

Peace and love, Hangin

Oh Hangin,

Thank you so much. Those words especially:-

do what is necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

I will look at them and absorb them and in time act upon them I hope.

It is always so very hard to explain to others isn't it when you try and say how your life is. About not having friends or family I mean. I always feel that others might think it is my "fault" that I have no friends, but that isn't the case. Circumstances have dictated this, not me.

All of my immediate family has passed on. My Mum, Dad and 3 brothers. All suddenly and without warning. So I am where my family ends. I do have a cousin who I speak to on the telephone, she has never quite made it to visit. I ask her a couple of times a year, but there is always something going on that prevents her doing so. I have been to see her lots of times, but this is not possible any longer because of my physical condition.

Funnily enough, she telephoned me today and I did speak of how I felt - through the tears actually. I could tell she actually was quite surprised at this, and she did say she would telephone me again tomorrow.

I am not a church goer, but I too believe in all things spiritual. I have been told I have a guardian angel which comforts me, and that I am still here on this earth when 3 times in the last 2 1/2 years when I was on the brink of dying I didn't go because I am here for a reason. This I also feel is true. I have also been told I have a special affinity with children, and there are many more children that need my help. All very hard to understand at times, but I do feel that there is something true in all of this for me. I am here for reason and I want to fulfil this in the way I am supposed to, whatever it might be. My guardian angel is a little girl.

Thank you so mch for speaking to me about your situation. It's good to know that I am understood.

Take care my friend.

goldenwings :angel:

once again i stand in awe of the beauty i find here. such gentle words of love. comforting, understanding, kind.
i am honored to call you friend and sister. compassion gives the world song.
bless the little dove. i hoped she was with you when i did not see her this morning.
i will snuggle up with my two lovely blankets you made me and sleep the sweet sleep only love (and drugs) can bring, giggles!
goldie, you will know the day and you will fulfill your purpose. i know this to be true. all in it's time. take care of your self so that you will be ready when it comes. you know how odd i am about knowing stuff. this i know.
love you,
blue

Golden,

In my heart you do not have to be a church goer to be spiritual...some people who go to church need more spirituality in their lives.

I am glad that my words were of some comfort. I really do understand that life doesn't always make sense when it comes to having other people in it. I also feel that some people think that I am a loner by choice, far from it.

Look at it this way Golden, because of your situation you will be much more aware of others wjo might be lonely or who are alone due to circumstances beyond their control. You have insight and understanding.

Children always know the heart and soul of a gentle spirit. THey also know if that person is being real and cares about them. It comes as no surprise to me that you have a special bond with children. We all have gifts that we are not aware of until the right time, IMO.

I am so glad that you are here for me to talk with, it goes both ways here. I am also very glad that you stayed with us after your illness so I could get to know you. You have already touched my life. Think of the countless others that you are not aware of.

Take care my friend.

Peace and love, Hangin

Dear Hangin and Golden, you two are so precious and have such depth.
Being from the older generation, I am prone to give opinions before I think
them through. It dosen't take all these other people to make us happy
and fulfilled. You both have found your own path and that's what counts.
I guess I'm a fixer by nature and want things done in a hurry. (that is what
my co-workers always said about me.) I guess that wasn't so bad in my
profession, but daily life isn't like that for any of us, is it?
You folks don't give up on me, I'm still learning. Love from a cold, windy Alabama.
Bilij

My Dear Biij,

I always listen and heed your words because they come from a heart that is full of love and of giving. I live my life the way it has to be, but given the choice I would fill it with friends. Having said that, it is already filled with friends, like you and the rest of the ladies here isn't it?

I too like things done now and sooner if possible. I am impatient, but I suppose it is because I am used to having to do things myself in the main. If the job is too much for me to tackle, then I have to ask for help, and it's so frustrating for me to ask someone else to take over and equally as frustrating if they don't get a gallop on when doing it. I am a terrible woman really hee hee !!

I do thank you for your words and your care, and I do feel your spirit shining through and your feeling for others. My Mum would have been around your age had she still been with us. You remind me of her, in your kindness and tolerance and love of others no matter what.

Take care.

From a person who has cheered up today just being with you all, and living on a cold, windy, damp and yet still beautiful island somewhere in the UK.

goldenwings :angel:

yawn, morning ladies,
how nice to wake up with my cuppa coffee and you all. i am sending a song of love and healing on the breeze.
love,
blue

Good afternoon,

How are you doing Golden? I have been outside listening for Blue's healing song and feeling it on the gentle breeze and in the sunshine. It is so soothing.

Peace and Love, Hangin

Good evening golden how are you doing this evening, hope you are still hearing blues song. So much caring and wonderful things have been said I am just in awe of the depth of the feelings of people who have come together here.

I wish I had some magical words that could lift you up into the sunlight, but my well is a little dry right now. I feel totally inadequate at the moment, so I will just wish you love and caring and healing. I will send you energy and know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, please we need you.

Love

Glojer

By the way blue did you ever figure out the words to your dove song? I am sure you have, but I will post them anyway just in case they didn't come to you as you sang all day. On the wings of a snow white dove He sends His pure sweet love Like a sign from above On the wings of a dove.

I started singing the words you posted and suddenly the other words popped into my head. It was amazing there was room in there for anything to pop in, too much swirling around in there right now.

Glojer

Glojer,

love the song, these are lyrics I can hear and feel. Thank you.

Peace and love, Hangin

Good morning everyone!

Yes Hangin I love those lyrics too, I am so glad blue reminded me of them.

Golden hope you and compassionman are doing ok. We have snow this morning and of course it has been very cold here. Talked to a friend that moved back home to Minnesota (they have lots of snow and incredible cold weather) when I started to tell her about how cold it was here she said "don't even try to tell me that, we have already dipped below zero." I had to agree I couldn't wade in on that conversation.

I am going to think of you and blue and hangin and those warm beautiful waters today. I will think of resting on the shore and listening to bilij fill my cup of desire for all things that seemed as if they were from a simpler time.

Thinking of you today Golden and sending you lots of love and energy.

Glojer

morning ladies,
today i send sunshine from my sky to yours. may you find a warm spot to curl up and snuggle in with the ones you love.
i have a funny for you. i went to my old pharmacy to say hi yesterday. one of the women there asked me if i had met anyone special yet. hello!! i laughed and said, do i look like a gluttenous woman? we cracked up. gads, it has only been a few months since i moved out the last error in judgement! i told her i was taking a sabatical from men. she asked for how long. i said, till the sun forgets to rise, giggle.
be well my friends. laugh when you feel like crying, smile when it is the last thing you want to do. know that on a lake in northern california there is a woman who loves you.
golden can you see the sky? shall i wrap my arms about you and we can swim up together. hey i bought the syrup!
love,
blue

here comes the sun, do do do do
here comes the sun and i say, it's alright, do dodo do dodo do!
love you,
blue

Hiya Blue,

I sang that in my mind and the do do bits made me laugh. There hasn't been much laughter from me for a while has there? I will remedy that as soon as I can.

I have just had a visit from an agency representative to find out whether or not I can get any physical help with housework and shopping. She doubts it because I don't qualify for state aid as my husband goes out to work.

I am sure though if some of the pressure was taken from compassionman of having to finish work and then start working at home, by shopping and helping me with household chores - which he doesn't mind in the least doing - then we would have much more quality time together. The stresses and strains would be eased I feel. It doesn't help our case though that he earns a salary even though I am disabled and on my own so much. If compassionman didn't work and we lived the way we do now, we would be able to get help. Moan over.

How are you my friend? How is your brother doing today? Are you spending Christmas together just the two of you or is your family able to visit? Aren't I the nosey one?

Take care.

goldenwings :angel:

Hi golden glad to hear a laugh from you. I'm glad you can carry a tune, I can't but I sure do like blues song.

I hope that representative is wrong and you can get some help, that would be wonderful. I think you are right it would help compassionman and it would give the two of you so much more quality time together. I have noticed more tolerance between braveman and myself since both of us are retired. We don't feel the pressure of time constraints to get certain things done.

We had sunshine today but it is so cold. I ask a question on the lupus board, but maybe you could give me an opinion here. Do you notice your joint pains are worse in the summer months with the sun or the winter with the cold?

Love

Glojer

warmest greetings my golden sister,
so glad i could bring a laugh to your lips and ears. the body never forgets.
how am i doing? well, i tied a couple of fancy knots in my rope and made a swing. the new p.t. is kicking my fanny. many pools of stagnant energy gone putrid and grown over with green slime. about as much fun as swabbing out the loo!
my new helper does what i call magic massage along with conventional. he channels energy into me without touching me. it tingles and feels warm yet like a cool breeze blowing thru me and out my toes. i think i relaxed more this time than i have since my friend carol used to do energy work on me. that has been a few years.
the house. hmmmm, what about hiring a girl from the local high school and her getting work credit along with a small wage? find one old enough to drive. i once hired help i could afford thru the school. not sure how things work there. i just had the idea and called the school. they worked out the logistics and i had a clean house and a driver for my appt.s. i had a toddler then and needed surgery that would require almost a year in a wheelchair followed by 5 months on crutches. while i do not remember this angels name i have never forgotten what having her meant to me.
now, the holidays. well i am a bit of a nature girl so i celebrate winter and the solstice. i have not felt well enough to do my baking for the grandchildren. i will, then they will come over one family at a time before the 25th for our time. they all spend their holiday with blood relatives. i enjoy their time and am deeply grateful they have family to share those special moments with.
brother and i have not really talked about what we will do. maybe take the lazy way out and go to the american indian casino again. altho . . . we were talking last night about doing some cornish game hens or a stuffed chicken soon. the nice thing about being an adopted mom is the freedom i have at this time of year to do anything i want and everyone is cool with it.
friends are never nosy. they ask because they care. you are my friend and i know with every aspect of my being that you care. there is a tie that binds us that time, distance and this machine cannot alter. it is between the words and runs like a river thru the lines of white created by the typing of each letter, each word, each sentence. gentle magic.
love,
blue

sending you hugs and smooches, laughter and bubbles, songs and dancing, and a special cartwheel to bring you up to the sun. come play with me. we can go swinging, swimming, tumbling, play hop scotch, and dance in the rays of a warm tropical sun.
you can teach me a game you played as a child? we can twirl till we are dizzy and fall to the ground laughing.
love,
blue

Hello There Blue,

Well, what can I say? I used to be a competitive swimmer. Athletics too, were my thing. Dratted wheelchair won't do the same for me, don't want to rust the wheels hee hee !!. In my mind though Blue, I swim, I run, I skip, and I do all of the things I love. Thanks to you. Most of all I can laugh with all of our family doing these things together. Listen for the splash Blue, I am coming out to play very soon and I have planned what I am going to do. One of my favourite childhood games was go hide and seek. I have never stopped jumping out at people and giving them the shock of their lives hee hee !!

We can splash Glojer and Bilij, if they can't come in the water with us we will take the water to them. How's about we make sandcastles? That would be good. All of the family willbe together, and we will then sit at the feet of our darling Bilij when it gets dusk, and listen to her wonderful tales of her younger life. Maybe, just maybe, we could have hot chocolate with marshmallows too.

A litle bit of an explanation for my family. Someone hurt me with written words not so long ago. Supposed to be an emotional supporter of patients with lupus, but has as much subtlety as a 10 ton truck in the way she interacts and speaks to others. Tried to be in my head and doesn't know me from Adam. Said perhaps I helped others so I could be "liked". What utter tosh. I am angry about it now, but when she said it I was so hurt and worried that this is how I came across to others, that I decided I would not work for a while in the emotional support field. This on top of how I have been feeling about myself and of the problems with compassionman's health and well being, really upset me. Nobody here I hasten to add. I have thought about it and decided that she will not dampen my spirit and feelings for others nor will she make me upset any longer. She will not take me away from doing what I do best. Being me.

Anyway, I am off to get my sunglasses so I can see the lovely, bright sunshine when I crash through that water Blue. You have changed my life my friend. You are showing me that I can be again the person I know I am inside, and who is a little lost at the moment, but on her way back.

Take care.

goldenwings :angel:

dearest golden,
never let anyone decide who you are. no one but you knows what is inside. only you know the purpose you serve in helping others. the world would be a smaller, dimmer place if you stop being the loving woman that you are.
i doubt that i will ever understand why people say words without thinking first. let's blow a fresh breeze into that person. sounds like this person could use some fresh air. it is a good time to have compassion for this person who simply does not understand.
we are going to paint your wheelchair with special "blue" paint that protects it from rust. we will add solar oars that row themselves for you.
yes we will play go hide and seek. tag! you're it! how funny that we both still get a kick out of jumping out and saying boo! i do it too and have never lost the joy of the experience. tho perhaps the people i do it to may feel differently about it. get's the old heart rate going!
in the evening we will listen to bilij, yes, and a campfire to roast marshmallows and drink yummie hot chocolate with baby marshmallows that melt and squish in our mouths.
each morning the sun comes thru my slider and shines on me as i sit here. i will grab my sunglasses also, and we are off for a fun day with our family! blessed imagination.
smile my lovey. your soul is pure, this i know. your intent is pure, this i also know.
be careful going around the corner into the kitchen. boo!!!
giggle!!
love,
blue

hey old girl how you doing today? i am surrounded by fog and thinking of you . . .
how i love the quiet of the fog. like snow it muffles all sound. as a child i would walk in the tule fog of southern california. it always makes me feel safe. as tho i am the only person on the planet. i still love the feeling of fog wrapping around me. i just have to wear more clothes now, giggle!
love,
blue

Golden so glad you have decided not to let someone else control who you must be. It is that wonderful quality you have of helping others, that makes you so special. And special you are, goldenwings is the perfect name for you.

I can use a break from stress and reality, so I will join you in these games. I always loved hide and seek and playing tag. And yes I do the 'boo' thing to, mostly to my daughter cause she is the perfect candidate for it.

Now that you are back in the advice business, I have some questions for you. I will post them to you in a few days. I was just kidding, I know you are always ready to help in any way and I would have ask my questions when I had time anyway. For right now let's play in the water and drink hot chocolate with marshmallows and warm ourselves by the fire and listen to bilij take us back to her wonderful childhood. Tag your it, try to catch me, you can't find me!

Give yourself and compassionman big hugs from me.

Glojer

hi lovey,
why are you on my mind? i feel thickness.
love,
blue
the whales are migrating to the coast of baha. shall we join them?

Blue I would love to join you and golden and the whales...sounds great!

Golden I posted my question to you on the lupus board under my 'question about joint pain' thread.

Catch you guys later.

Glojer

dear golden,
early in the morning i go outside. i have not seen the doves since they went to you. i find myself missing them until i remember where they are, and i smile.
i am still having that strange feeling and now it is difficult to breath. are you going thru costo or just holding your breath alot?
love you to the moon and stars,
blue

My Dearest Blue,

The doves are with me - and so are you - every day. My heart surgery, though still causing me problems, made me another acquaintence today. A lady came to see me - wait for it - and told me that I might be getting a bit of help with domestic work in my home, 2 hours per week - yaaaay !! 30 years late but never mind - and she told me her grandfather who is 84 bless him, had a quadruple bypass a few months ago and he is having lots of problems with one thing and another.

I gave her some tips and advice from my own experience and told her to tell grandfather that I will answer any questions he may have. I am going to find out some information for her from a medical website too. We go through things in our lives I feel to be of help to others when the time comes. She is very concerned but felt better she said because she had not met anyone who had gone through this. I will help her all I can.

Yes my dear friend, I am having problems breathing properly again. My ribs are inflamed and because I can't take NSAID's, I have to wait it out. I am going to ask for steroid injections into the full rib cage again. It is so very, very cold here and that doesn't help. I am not too bad apart from that and compasionman is on a slight up at the moment, so that is good.

Do you use coriander in your Thai foods? I only ask because I am allergic or something to it and if I even get a whiff of it, I am violently ill. I love throw everything in the pot type of meals.

I do so appreciate your thinking of both of us.

Take care

goldenwings :angel:

hi girlfriend,
HOORAY! i will keep my fingers crossed you get the help. so glad compassionman is having some up time. i would say, make the most of those moments, but i think you know that.
isn't it wonderful to be able to put your own experience to good use? gifting another with a bit of peace of mind is priceless and gives such value to your fragil moments.
i use corriander in mexican food. not sure if it is in the thai spice i got this time. i do use cilantro which becomes corriander when you let it go to seed.
i am off to physical therapy today. i asked to step up the pace. i feel my body wanting that gentle burn of muscles used. i simply must learn to stand up straight and stay that way!
give the doves my love. you keep them, and me, as long as you like.
i had to chuckle, we are so related! what corriander does to you gardenias do to me. one whiff and somebody better find me a loo, right quick!
hey, my son called me last night. he told me the double decker busses in london are being retired. how sad.
my son has decided to claim me again. he needed some years away to figure things out. i respected his right and after 9 years my prodigal son has returned. he actually asked for my address to send me a christmas card. my son sent me one card several years back for my birthday, never for christmas. so i told him i was glad he let me know as i might have had heart failure at the post box when it came. i was laughing so hard. when he realized i thought the whole thing quite hilarious he laughed too. then he said it was sad that he had forgotten me all these years. i told him no worries, i understand. patience and love pay off. the downside of children is how deeply they can hurt you and never realize it. oh, the times i have called my mother to say i am so sorry for ripping the umbilical cord out of her. each time one of my kids has pulled something i did a